Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 13 "Labor of Love"

Or better title "Beaten, Bruised, and Badass"

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We find Hook beaten up and sharing his jail time in hell with an anonymous cellmate who seems nondescript and not important at all, but as we all know, anonymous cell mates in this series always end up saving the day or revealing themselves to be a long lost heir to the throne or super wizard or something. So I'm guessing we'll see this chick again.

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Through the magic of magic, Hook knows that Emma and the others have come to rescue him. And he gives a big spiel to the anonymous cellmate how much he LURVS Emma.

I can't buy into this romance, guys. Just a few days ago, as the Dark One, he took pleasure in insulting her, her family, and threatening everyone she loved. But now...?

So his plan is to send his nameless cellmate above ground to find Emma and tell her he loves her and whatever...plus, there's a monster set loose to kill them too.

Anyway, Mary Margaret and David take a stroll through the graveyard, like you do when you're in hell with nothing else to do, and she finds a tombstone engraved with HERCULES.

Back in the Enchanted Forest we see a teen Snow White be challenged by Evil Regina to take on a gang of bandits who are robbing the peasant folk of their kingdom. Snow White hustles from the castle and into the forest only to fall down a big hole.

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Meanwhile, the nameless cellmate finds Emma and the others and warns them of the monster that has been set loose to kill them. Seconds later, the foul hellhound chases them all to Mary Margaret's apartment. They somehow chase it away, but the fact that Mary Margaret's apartment is waiting for her in hell makes them all wonder what her unfinished business is?

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We flashback and discover teen Snow White was rescued by a young, muscly goof, Hercules. He tells her he has twelve brave acts to accomplish before he can get his wings or something. The last task is the hardest, to defeat the three headed hound. (Just like the one who tried to eat Emma and her family!) They bond, he teaches her to use a bow and arrow, she scares off the bandits and she makes him brave enough to go take on his last task. But before he goes, she gives him a kiss for good luck.

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Realizing that her teen crush is in limbo in hell, Mary Margaret tracts down Hercules at the docks. He's still young and hot and she's like, "I'm a grandma, plus the mayor, well...I used to be. I also made out with my husband's dead twin brother..."

He tells her he died trying to accomplish the final task of killing the three headed dog.

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onceuponatimeabc.com

In other news, Hook is pulled out of his cell by Hades. And they make useless threats toward each other, because duh, they're both dead.

Henry goes to Regina's office and bumps into Cruella. She has a proposition for ole' Henry. If he uses the author's quill to rewrite her back to life, then Emma will not be considered a murderer anymore.

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Why is the quill in hell? It's a living entity, obviously and when Henry broke it in two it came straight to hell.

Don't ask, just accept...

Henry thinks this is a good enough reason to keep his deal with Cruella a secret.

Mary Margaret, Emma and Regina go into the mines and run into Hades. This scene is basically Hades proving that he has cable TV and has been watching everything that's been happening in Storybrooke. Bummed out that they have no answers, Mary Margaret sulks back to her Underworld apartment. Regina makes it real by reminding her that she was totally badass as Snow White.

To which Mary Margaret is suddenly channeling her inner Snowiness. She finds Hercules, tells him he has to defeat the monster who killed him, it's the only way he can ascend to heaven. They run into the nameless cellmate and together the three of them (quite easily) poke the three headed dog in the eyes with pencils or something and suddenly everyone is a hero.

And Mary Margaret has a revelation.

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Sadly, this means that the cutie patootie Hercules has to leave. I was kind of hoping he'd stick around for a few episodes. Also, the nameless cellmate is Magara (duh).

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While everyone is celebrating Hook and Hades continue to have their meaningless debate, until...Hades reveals the twist. For every soul that our heroes free from the Underworld, one of them will have to take that soul's place. And Hook has to choose who by carving their names on the gravestones!

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Please, please, please, don't let there be a stupid loop hole to this brilliant plot twist.

Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 17 "Best Laid Plans"

Or better title "Kidnapping, Storybrooke Style"

What kind of drugs have the writers been taking?

Snow White and Charming are narcissistic baby-snatchers? And The Author is finally revealed to be... (prepare for disappointment).

Omen for The Charmings

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A pregnant Snow and Charming sprint through the forest landscape wearing way too much fur for such activity. They stumble upon a unicorn with a double-fisted horn. At once, both parents have visions of their child to be.

Mental Note: Unicorn horns are magical ultrasounds

Charming sees an adorable toddler version of Emma, but Snow is greeted by a teen full of angst and hormons and stuff. Immediately Snow thinks her unborn baby is evil.

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Ex-squeeze me?  Snow's step-mother is the Evil Queen. Shouldn't a mass murdering tyrant be the measuring stick. Just because teen Emma is moody and bad tempered that makes her evil?

Race To Find The Author

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Back in Storybrooke, things get stupid. Regina and Emma are puzzling over a picture of a door in the storybook. August goes unconscious or whatever and Henry suggests they take him to the Blue Fairy.

Um...remember last time the Blue Fairy helped August? She turned him back unto an eight year old boy. I don't think this woman knows any other spell.

Meanwhile, Hook catches up to the Charmings and passes along the warning Ursula told him about Mr. Gold's super sneaky evil plan to turn Emma's evil as well.

Mwahahahaha.

Emma merely shrugged because she was only in jail for like a year or something and now she's totally reformed. Then she and Hook hug while David and Mary Margaret whisper awkwardly in the corner. "OMG! She said the 'e' word! Our secret will be out!"

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Bored with this lot, Regina spends some more time with a much cooler crowd, Cruella and Malificent. They have a phone shot of the illustration of the magical door that apparently The Author is hiding behind.

How do we know this? Mr. Gold takes less than two seconds to deduct. "This page is magicked and he is trapped inside.”

What's the next step? A curse of course. One that's disguised as purple fog because no one in Storybrooke will be expecting that. It's a sleeping curse and soon everyone is knocked out.

While Storybrooke snoozes, the only people unaffected are those who have natural immunity...I guess. So Mary Margaret, David, Henry, and presumably Aurora (wherever she is) are running around town. Henry tells them he took the page with the mysterious door that the Author is trapped behind to the mysterious manor.

Because his plans always work, David decides he and Mary Margaret should use this opportunity to destroy the page to keep their dark secret from getting out.

While Cruella and Maleficent are searching for the page, Mr. Gold pays a visit to his shop to stare at an unconscious Belle.

Creep-factor!!!

Malificent gives him a judging stare, but Mr. Gold is a whiny pants and for some reason the women with all the power still do whatever he says, even though Urusula proved last episode that she can create her own happy ending without The Author.

Babies Gone Bad

Back in Fairy Tale Land, we learn that Maleficent had laid an egg while in her dragon form.

Um...wtf?

Also, Charming has taken to carrying a flask of booze with him. Remember his dad's issue? Anyway, while on the road, he and Snow encounter a peddler who gives them directions to the Sorcerer's Apprentice. I guess Snow is super concerned about having an evil teenager.

Newsflash, it's called puberty.

Snow and Charming listen as the Sorcerer's Apprentice explain that their unborn baby could grow up to be good or evil. But instead of taking parenting classes to assure they raise the baby to treat others with respect and basically be a decent human being, Snow and Charming take him up on his offer to suck all the evil out of Snow’s womb and put it in another living vessel.

Hmm...where can they find another living vessel?

Snow rationalizes that since Maleficent is evil, her 'dragon egg baby thing' will also be evil, so what's wrong with giving it a bit more evil? Charming goes along with this and they're soon breaking into Malificent's castle and snatch her baby dragon egg.

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Maleficent begs Snow not to take her child. Snow simply says, "Oh, no worries, I'll be right back." Instead, she gives the egg to the Sorcerer who not only poured all of the evil into the egg, he also prepares to send it into another dimension.

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Before you can say, baby-snatchers, a little fist breaks through the dragon egg. And I have terrible flashbacks to the episode where Grumpy hatched fully clothed.

Where is Nova, anyway?

And since Cruella and Ursulla were staying with Malificent to look after her, they rush to save the baby but are sent into the portal as well.

The Author Appears!

Back at the mysterious manor, Henry waits in front of the magical door, which is now emitting a magical light. Regina, Cruella and Maleficent bust in and demand the page from Henry.

But then Mary Margaret and David arrive to burn the page. In a flash of reason Mary Margaret slows things down and wonders if maybe they're making too many bad choices based on fear and maybe if they just told the truth from the beginning...

Anyway, Emma's all, "Whoa, you guys are baby snatchers!" But she's actually more upset with the fact they lied to her than the actual weird kidnapping scheme.

Sick of the Charmings getting all the air time, Malificent breaks up their family feud, demanding to know what happened to her child. We learn that her daughter, Lily, met Emma when they were teens. She was Emma's best friend for a day when they shoplifted together then ate ice cream and played video games for the rest of the afternoon.

But that girl wasn't evil. She had gumption! I can't wait for her to make an entrance.

Oh, and The Author? When the door was finally opened, the peddler stepped out. Before he can be cornered and forced to give anyone a happy ending, he takes out all the Charmings with this curtain rod and disappears into the night.

Too bad everyone's still asleep. 

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 19 “A Curious Thing”

Or better title “Mulan's Revenge!”

 

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Snow White and Charming decide to announce to the kingdom that they're pregnant. The Evil Queen says they're loopy. Belle arrives and breaks the news that Neal is dead and Rumpelstiltskin is alive, but they're sharing the same body...or something like that.

Plus, the wicked witch has the dagger to control the Dark One.

Prince Phillip and Aura finally get a few lines. They drop the bombshell that the wicked witch is after Snow White's baby. They didn't say anything at first because she promised to destroy them if they spilled the beans.

And since they just spilled the beans...the wicked witch arrives and turns Aura and Phillip in to flying monkeys.

How does Mulan feel about this?

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Eight months later Snow White and Charming sit around the council table still trying to come up with ideas for defeating the wicked witch. The Evil Queen wonders if Rumpelstiltskin can help them.

It took eight months for them to figure this out?

Charming suggests they break into his castle, but Regina says that's impossible because his magic is so strong. Robin Hood brags he broke in last season to steal a bow and arrow.

Robina (Regina and Robin Hood) make out in the hallway of the bed and breakfast. She promises him that once she gets her heart back it will be AH-SOME. He says, “Use my heart for the both of us.”

To do what?

Regina arrives flushed to a meeting with Mary Margaret, Emma and David. They discuss why Zalena brought them all back to Storybrooke. They ask things like:

To cast the spell you have to give up the thing you love the most.

We must already know how to defeat her, that's why they have no memories.
         
Since Emma broke the curse by believing in magic and kissing Henry, but she's done both of  those things already.  

Henry must be the one to save them all. He has to believe in magic and kiss someone...okay maybe just believe. We need the storybook!!!

Zalena has Hook duck tapped in the truck of a car. She demands he kiss Emma. If he doesn't get busy and take away her magic by the time Mary Margaret has her baby, she'll kill Henry.

This would never happen to Hook if he had a unicorn. Just sayin...

Robin Hood easily breaks into Rumpelstiltskin's castle. He and the Evil Queen squabble like all good would-be lovers do at the beginning of their love story.

They find Rumpelstiltskin inside a cage spinning gold and babbling. Remember, he has Neal inside his head as well.

Snow White asks him how to stop the wicked witch but he only answers with a rhyme.

Belle uses her Australian accent and the power of love to reach through his layers of glitter gold makeup. He tells her the answer is light. “Find the good witch of the south.”

Of course. And I bet she'll be riding a unicorn.

Mary Margaret tells the others that the 'Once Upon A Time' book appeared in her closet when Henry needed it the most. Maybe it's still there?

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While Emma is running all over Storybrooke, Henry is fed up with all the lying. He's so upset his voice cracks. He takes her keys and hustles up to their room which above Granny's pub/diner/laundromat...oh my gosh, it's ALSO a bed and breakfast.

Henry takes her car keys, but before he can leave Storybrooke, Hook arrives with a better idea.

Emma, David and Mary Margaret search the apartment. Ta da! She finds the book! Regina grabs it, determined to figure out whose heart Zalena crushed to cast the curse.

Snow White and the gang hustle to the dark forest to find the white witch. They find a door that leads to nowhere.

Hmm? It's probably nothing.

Snow White and Charming enter easily and end up in a snow covered forest...Narnia?

Uh-oh. I remember the white witch being mean in this story.

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The white witch says her name is Belinda. She tells them Snow White's baby is pure of heart and also has the gift of magic.

She ALSO tells them she was childhood friends with Zalena.

Pay attention, folks. Rules get thrown out faster than last week's leftovers.

Zalena was born with powerful magic. She has a pendant that keeps all her magic focused. If she loses the pendant, well...you can guess the rest.

Also, only someone who is pure of heart and a purveyor of white magic (magic made from love) can defeat Zalena.

Did you get that? Good because there will be a test at the end of the post.

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Charming and Snow White realize that Emma is the only one who can defeat Zalena. But, oh no! She's in Storybrooke. They must enact the dark curse that will bring them back to her world.

Charming offers his heart so Snow White can cast the spell. The Evil Queen is like, “You guys are cray, cray.”

Emma realizes Henry is missing. Hook has taken him to the dock and is arranging for Bill Smead to take him to new York. Before you can say, “Ahoy,” a gang of flying monkeys arrive. Hook fends off the attack while Henry runs away screaming.

Henry, of course, falls. Emma and her posse arrive and throw balls of fire, vaporizing the monkeys. Emma shows Henry the 'Once Upon A Time' book and asks him to believe.

I think the flying monkeys helped.

Everyone holds their breath.

Henry takes the book and experiences three seasons of episodes in two seconds. He remembers and everyone cries. “Hurry”, Regina says. “Break the curse!”

Zalena arrives and magics Henry into a choke hold. She sneers and says that Hook is to blame for Henry's death.

Regina rushes to Henry's rescue, but Zalena easily sends her flying back, smashing into the ground.

Henry starts to turn blue. Emma uses her super power — no not the 'I can tell when someone is lying' super power — just regular magic this time.

Zalena's hands are burned! She backs off and threatens that the next time no one will survive...or something like that.

Henry falls on his knees beside Regina's crumpled form. She's not moving.

Snow White, Charming and the Evil Queen stand around a bubbling cauldron. Snow White says she can't crush his heart. He says, “No worries, we share the same heart. Every time you look at our little baby, you'll see my love for you.”

This is followed by more tearful love pledges. He tells the Evil Queen he's ready.

“This is going to hurt,” she says. Then she thrusts her hand into his chest. Snow White takes it and crushes it over the cauldron.

Charming falls to the ground, dead.

The wicked witch arrives and adds a forgetting clause to the spell. She tells Snow White and the Evil Queen, “You'll never defeat me if you can't remember who I am.”

Regina wakens and sees Henry is all right. She kisses him and says she'll always love him.

Ta-da! The curse is broken.

Mary Margaret and David let Emma know they are the ones who cast the curse so they could return and have her defeat Zalena with her pure magic powers and stuff.

“Whoa,” she says. “If you had to sacrifice the thing you love the most, why are you both still alive?”

The answer? Unicorn!

Back at the cauldron, Snow White tells the Evil Queen that she has to split her heart in half and then put the second part in Charming's chest. “I love him enough to fill both of our hearts!”

Aw. *rolls eyes*

The Evil Queen performs the Enchanted Forest's first heart division and transplant.

Charming wakes up. There's more kissing and love pledging.

Thunder cracks and the curse takes them back to Storybrooke.

Henry and Regina reminisce. He tells her all about New York. And he's pleased she's not evil anymore. Robin Hood shows up and Henry is stoked he has all these cool relatives.

Emma demands to know what Hook was up to. He says, “Zalena put a cast my lips.”

I should really do a top ten list of most ridiculous lines from this series...

Mary Margaret and David tell him that the message with the memory potion wasn't sent by them. Hook gets all defensive. “Then who did?" he asks. "Who else knew where Emma was living?”

Um...duh. Zalena.

Rumpelstiltskin watches as the wicked witch mixes a memory potion so that she'll remember when they go to Storybrooke. She gives it to Rumpelstiltskin. He's ready to guzzle the bottle to forget Neal is dead. Then Neal breaks out of Rumpelstiltskin's body. He scrawls a message, ties it to the bottle and sends it off with a pigeon to the Jolly Roger.

Loose plot hole tidied up.

A flying unicorn would have been more impressive than a pigeon.

Henry puts a rose on Neal's grave. He cries and asks Emma if it was hard to come back to Storybrooke. She tells him she knew he'd want her to because heroes never give up...or something like that. He smiles and says Operation Cobra is back on.

And just when you think things are wrapping up, Mary Margaret goes into labour.

Quiz time!

Who was Zalena's childhood friend?

Where is all of Zalena's magic kept?

What kind of magic can defeat Zalena?

How does one become true of heart?

Why are there no unicorns in this show?

WHEN IS THE SHERIFF COMING BACK????


Need more Storybrooke? You'll find my recaps for ALL of the Once Upon A Time episodes (even from the very first season) on my Pinterest page here.

Once Upon A Time Season 3, Episode 18 “Bleeding Through”

Or better title, "Sins of the Mother"

 Zalena arrives at Regina's for a little sisterly chit chat.

Regina's wearing a blue dress! She never wears colour!

Zalena enjoys Regina's fancy house and they beat the, 'I'm jealous because you got all the good stuff and I got nothing' motive. Then she tells Regina she'll never know their mother's secret. Regina rolls her eyes. Then Zalena says, "Guess what The Dark One is getting in the forest right now?"

Regina's face loses its colour. "My heart!"

Working under Zalena's orders, Mr. Gold stands in the middle of Robin Hood's camp.

Aw, he's literally protecting her heart. Robin Hood + Regina = Robina



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Robin Hood threatens Mr. Gold with the arrow that always hits its mark. But gosh darn it, Robin Hood's son wanders into the camp.

Mr. Gold regretfully changes the direction of the arrow so that it's an inch from Robin Hood's son.

Robin Hood has no choice but to give Regina's heart to Mr. Gold. 

Regina arrives and confides to Robin Hood (and us) that since she's still alive, Zalena must have something totally horrible planned for her heart.

Hasn't she been saying that all along? Why would this be a surprise?

Anyway, Regina goes to Mr. Gold's shop and begins to ransack the place, desperate for something to help her uncover Cora's secret. Belle is disgusted when Regina asks for help. She says, “Why would I help you? You physically and mentally tortured me for years.”

Regina has no time to explain that she's not the villain this season, instead she says, "Hey, I'm trying to help unchain your boyfriend from Zalena. Don't you want your Rumple back?"

There are so many weird jokes going through my mind right now...

Belle says she doesn't know if she can trust her since Zalena has her heart. No problemo, Regina shrugs, it's charmed so Zalena can't control her.

Phew, that was a close plot hole.

Regina's eyes sparkle when she sees the candle Mary Margaret used to kill Cora. "Now I'll learn my mother's secret!" she says.
 

In a grimy pub we see a young Cora working to earn extra money. She's caught the eye of a young handsome man. He confesses his love for her and she's flattered. Then he lets it slip he's a Prince in disguise, searching for a woman of true heart—she captured his heart without even knowing he was royalty!

He ties a bit of straw around her finger and promises to come back in two weeks and turn that straw into gold and marry her for reals.

Gee, I hope nothing bad happens.

Then he adds shyly that two weeks without seeing her will be torture. She mentions that since they're practically married...and he has a room upstairs already paid for...you know...
 

Mary Margaret, David, Hook, and Emma go to Regina's house to do a séance in order for Regina to find out her mother's secret past.

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Zalena places Regina's heart in a trunk with Charming's sword of courage. There's another box beside the sword which I'm guessing is waiting for Mr. Gold's brain.

She greats Mr. Gold in his cage and tells him to get dressed up for a special dinner. They sneer at each other and she lets him know she has plans for Snow White's baby.

Ew.

Regina has changed from her blue dress into a white blouse.

I guess the colour change was too much for the whole day.

Everyone sits around the table. She lights both ends of the death candle. They all hold hands...well and a hook. She tells them to concentrate on Cora.

Lights flicker! There's a crack of thunder and a blue vortex opens in the ceiling. Regina demands her mother give her a sign.

Um, there's a tornado in the ceiling.

Hook hits the table while crossing his legs and everything goes back to normal. Regina is totally miffed the moment is lost. "Whatever secrets she has buried in her past, she wants to keep there."

Way to go, Hook. You ruined everything. Why can't you sit still?

Young Cora waits in the rain on the roadside with her straw ring, but the Prince does not show up. She travels through the wet forest until she reaches the palace. She finds him taking shelter in a gazebo.

He doesn't look happy to see her. She explains that she's been waiting for him for two months. She notices his boots are muddied. He's not a prince! He's the palace gardener!

He says, "Whatever, you had a good time."

Then she tells him she's pregnant and demands money to help support the baby.

He laughs at her. She calls for the guards, saying she's being attacked. He pushes her down, then runs away. Cora stays crumpled on the ground. A kind man comes along. He helps her up, and introduces himself as Prince Leopold.

FYI, Prince Leopold was Snow White's father.

Everyone leaves Regina's house post séance except for Snow White. Weird things start to happen in the house but they don't notice because they're busy sorting out their mother/daughter issues.

Prince Leopold and Cora chat and charm each other. He confesses he doesn't feel sure enough to be king. He says that once he becomes king he has to produce an heir immediately. He's betrothed to someone he's never met, someone called Princess Ava. He's clearly smitten with Cora and wishes he could marry her instead.

Mary Margaret apologizes again for killing Cora. Regina admits that it's complicated.

Yep.

Regina wonders why her mother gave up Zalena and why she never mentioned she had a sister. The house answers with a creepy sound from the upstairs. She and Mary Margaret discover the ghost of Cora. And she's super mad.
 

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Emma practices magic at Granny's pub/diner/laundromat but Hook isn't in the mood to applaud her efforts. She asks what's bothering him but he stays quiet since this episode has nothing to do with his kissing curse.

Belle bursts in, hugging a large volume. She slaps down the spell book on the table and announces she knows what Zalena is up to.

Zalena has a candle light diner with Mr. Gold. She tells him Neal is still alive and she can bring them together.

How? Where?

More like, when. Zalena explains she's unraveled the trick to time travel. Mr. Gold is amazed. She's going back to time to take what's rightfully hers and promises Mr. Gold can find his son. He gets all dreamy eyed and says he'll have a second chance to never give him up.

Cora's ghost pushes Regina out of the way, trying to avenge her killer. Regina pulls a Ghostbuster trick to keep her at bay.

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Young Cora sits in the royal gazebo admiring her engagement ring. The palace gardener shows up and demands cash and jewels for his silence about the baby. She promises to meet him in the great hall with the payment, but the conversation is overheard by Princes Ava.

Hold on. If Prince Leopold is marrying someone else why is Princess Ava even there?

Regina demands answers from her mother. Cora's ghost enters Mary Margaret and she sees what happened.

Young Cora goes to the great hall, but she finds Prince Leopold waiting for her. He tells her he's heard a rumour that she's pregnant. But he's okay with that. As long as she tells him the truth he knows he can trust her...he says he'll marry her anyway.

Well, that sounds easy. Tell him the truth about how the gardener tricked you. The gardener will get sacked and you'll live happily ever after.

Instead, Cora lies and tells him she's not pregnant.

Princess Ava comes out from the shadows. She tells Prince Leopold to check her pockets for the jewelry and gold she promised to the gardener.

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Busted!

The palace guards take her away. Princess Ava tells Prince Leopold he deserves to have a child with someone who is pure as snow.

I loath that line.

Regina uses magic to blast Cora's ghost out of Mary Margaret. Everyone is worried about the baby. Belle arrives with Emma and Hook. She tells them Zalena is collecting items to help her go back in time.

But why, they wonder.

Mary Margaret comes out of her daze and lets them know her mother, Princess Ava is the one who let out the secret of Cora's pregnancy.

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Cora was forced to give up Zalena because as an unwed mother she can never be more that a Miller's daughter.

She leaves her in a basket in the woods.

*Cue the green tornado*

It's now clear to everyone that Zalena will go back in time and kill Snow White's mother BEFORE she lets out the big secret.

Mr. Gold and Zalena drink wine and toast each other on their super awesome plan to go back in time. Mr. Gold starts to make out with Zalena.

Ew. Please stop, ABC. Just, stop.

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He reaches for her dagger, but she moves too quickly. He vows to kill her. She orders him back to his cage and promises he'll never see his son again. And then she cries because she likes him?!?!

Regina and Mary Margaret clean up the mess ghost Cora made. They talk about how complicated their histories are. "Let's stop being haunted by our past."

Regina's still upset about not having a heart and having the whole town think she's still bad.

Mary Margaret glows because she loves any excuse to talk about the power of love. She tells her, "You don't need your heart, you feel everything with your soul. You still have worth."

So, what can you do with soul?

Regina goes to Robin Hood's camp in the middle of the forest. He's all alone by the fire. He promises to get her heart back. She answers him with a kiss. Then he kisses her back. Then she kisses him back. And then they lose count and just keep making out.

Whoo-hoo! Robina!

Need more Storybrooke? You'll find my recaps for ALL of the Once Upon A Time episodes (even from the very first season) on my Pinterest page here.


 

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 13 "Witch Hunt"

 

Or better title, “Family Feud"

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The Wicked Witch of the West (I'm going to get carpal tunnel, lets just call her 3W) goes through the Evil Queen's (EQ) jewelry and dresses enjoying her new found digs.

EQ and Snow White come up with a plan to break the protective spell and then ambush the castle. A flying monkeys tries to scare them, but EQ does some hocus pocus and turns it into a cute stuffed bunny. She gives it to Robin Hood's son, thereby earning a look of admiration and surprise from him.

Ah, the romantic subplot is taking shape.

Back in Storybrooke, which is also present time, David and Mary Margaret tell Emma right after she and Henry left town limits, Regina cast the curse and then everything went black. But instead of the enchanted forest they woke up in their beds back in Storybrooke. Everything was the same—except that Mary Margaret is very pregnant.

Hook saunters around the living room. He says they all went back to the enchanted forest at first and they all decided to go to the Queen's castle. Instead, he took off and lived happily by himself on the Jolly Roger. Then one day a bird arrived with a message to return to New York to save Emma. The vial of memory potion was wrapped inside the note. It was signed by Snow White.

This seems pretty normal to everyone and all heads nod in union.

Grumpy and another dwarf break up the family reunion to announce that another member of Storybrooke has gone missing. David tells Emma that for the last few days people have started to go missing. Among the missing is Neal.

Hook tries hard not to fist pump the air. Emma decides the only way to solve this mess is to retrieve everyone's memories to find out who cast the new curse.
 

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Charming and the rest of the gang are troubled by the existence of murderous winged monkeys. Belle tells everyone they exist in a land called OZ. Snow White doesn't believe her because that's just too crazy. I mean come on...flying monkeys?

EQ lets the fairy tale folk know that OZ is very real and if a flying monkey is in the enchanted forest, then 3W is the one who has taken up residence in her castle. She refuses help and plans to take down the protective spell on her own thereby allowing Charming and Snow will storm the castle...or something like that.

Henry is enjoying being the new kid in Storybrooke and everyone pretends not to know him. Mary Margaret comes up with the story that she and Emma were cell mates.
 

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Funny moment. I enjoyed that.

Regina sees Henry and she drops her coffee cup. Emma takes her aside quickly and explains that Henry has no memory of Storybrooke. They're both back because of a new curse and missing year's worth of plot...yada yada yada.

While Regina whines about not being able to give Henry welcome back hugs. Emma is determined to find out who cast the spell and she's going to use her super power to scan every person in Storybrooke.

Seriously? Her lie detecting super power?

Robin Hood and his merry men hunt in the woods of Storybrooke. While chasing a wild turkey, Little John comes precariously close to the town limits. Instead, he gets plucked off the trail by a flying monkey.

No! Oh wait. I have no connection to this character and therefore do not care what happens to him.

Emma deducts the flying monkeys are kidnapping people if they try to attempt to leave Storybrooke.

In a town hall meeting, Regina tries to convince everyone that she had nothing to do with the new curse, but no one is buying it. Sick of being good and not getting any credit, she decides to return to her evil ways.

One particular woman, who looks a lot like 3W without make up, smiles to herself.

Robin Hood finds EQ and thanks her for saving them from the flying monkey. There is some flirting then she tells him to back off because she has to sneak into her mother's castle for some potion ingredients to help her break 3W's protection spell. He said he can help because he breaks into stuff for a living.

Emma arrives at Regina's office. The blow up in town hall was a ruse and they're hoping to flush out the real culprit.

EQ and Robin Hood navigate a booby trap course to sneak into the dungeon of Cora's castle via the family crypt. She's concerned to find the door already open, which is impossible because it was a blood spell. He tells her about his late wife and EQ mentions she's lost a son... in a way.

Mary Margaret tries to get Henry off his Nintendo DS and invites him to take him to the library. He agrees and runs for his coat.

Why not? Because an ex-con friend of my mom's is my friend too.

Seeing that Mary Margaret is hugely preggers, the woman from the town hall starts talking about babies. She recognizes her as Snow White and explains she missed the first curse so this is her first trip to Storybrooke.

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The woman is 3W. She says her name is Zalena. Back in fairy tale land she was a midwife. Mary Margaret is so excited she hires her on the spot. Zalena gives her a creepy smile and says she'd be honoured to help with Snow White's baby.

Does anyone else think the baby is going to be a flying monkey?

David and the others find Little John unconscious in the woods.

EQ takes Robin Hood into Cora's bedroom. She rummages through drawers and starts to mix a sleeping potion. Robin Hood tries to convince her she has something to live for and that the pain of missing her son will ease with time.

She tells him the curse can only be broken by true love's kiss, and Henry is her true love. As soon as the protection shield is down, she'll let Snow White and Charming storm the castle and then she'll take her sleeping potion.

That sounds air tight to me. Well, until his shirt sleeve rips or something exposing his tattoo.

Regina's attempts at mimicking Hook's memory potion fail miserably. Emma comes up with another idea to trick the town's people. Only the guilty person would be worried that Regina was making a memory potion. They can set a trap and get that phony just like Scooby-doo.

Grumpy is the town blabber mouth. He goes to the hottest place in town, Granny's pub/diner/laundromat, to spill the fake beans. After his speech, Zalena sneaks away.

David and Robin Hood take Little John to the hospital. Dr. Whale (Frankenstein) starts to assess him but is quickly thrown back when Little John sprouts wings.

No. Not butterfly wings. Weird bat wings. He turns into a flying monkey and well...he flies away.

Emma and Regina wait in her yellow bug for the mysterious enemy to fall into their trap. Regina asks Emma what Henry's life is like in New York. Emma says he has lots of friends and is very happy, but Emma decided to return with Hook because the old Henry would have told her that heroes always come back.

True dat.

When they see someone in the window, they race to the office. Regina assures Emma that she put a blood lock spell on the door (ew) thereby trapping the culprit inside. They find the darkened office in shambles. A figure hides in the corner, but before Emma can get a good look, a plume of green smoke fills the air and they disappear.

Regina is shaking in her heels. Who could be powerful enough to break one of her spells?

EQ works her magic on the castle, confident in her black, bedazzled bustier as she takes down the protective spell. When it disappears, Grumpy gives the word and the fairy tale army surge toward the castle.

EQ grabs her sleeping potion and says a little prayer that one day Henry will wake her up. From the shadows 3W sweeps into view. She steals the sleeping potion from Regina and begins to monologue, like all villains do.

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EQ says she could care less about a witch from OZ.

3W says her name is Zalena and she doesn't want the castle. EQ asks how she managed to break the blood lock spell on her mother's crypt.

She taunts EQ about Cora then leans in and calls her sister. She explains that since Cora knew a green baby would never snag a prince for a husband, she abandoned her.

Growing up in OZ without a mother was no picnic apparantly. EQ says Cora was a terrible mother so she probably was better off. Then 3W drops the bombshell that she knew Rumpelstiltskin. She hates him as well because he abandoned her too.

Zalena has some issues and her main plan of revenge is to make her sister suffer.

Perhaps this involves being spray painted green?

But EQ isn't afraid, she's thrilled to have an enemy again.

Needing a little pick me up since their trap bombed, Emma takes Regina to meet Henry. They shake hands and smile. She hides her breaking heart well.

David and Hook arrive with news that the missing people are probably being turned into flying monkeys. They talk about green smoke and it's obvious 3W is the one who has cast the new spell. Emma asks, “Why is she in Storybrooke?”

Zalena takes a food tray out to her secret backyard prison. Rumpelstiltskin is being held in a cage. He refuses the food and tells her she shouldn't have brought him back. She only smiles and says, “Eat up, we've got work to do.”

And this is where I stomp my foot. Of all the fairy tale characters who have died she brought back Rumpelstiltskin?!!! Hey, if you're going to bring back someone from the dead, you make sure it's the hot Sheriff.

I will never give up hoping!

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Need more Storybrooke? You'll find my recaps for ALL of the Once Upon A Time episodes (even from the very first season) on my Pinterest page here.

 

 

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 2, "The Lost Girl"

Or better title, "Fakers, Fighters, and Frickin' Darkness"

Mr. Gold stands in front of a campfire in a jungle clearing. He pulls out The Dark One's dagger and uses it to summon a mysterious shadow beast/demon thing. At his request, the creature takes the dagger and hides it where even he won't be able to find it.

Emma and the gang continue to make a path through the jungle with Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE) as their guide. They have to be careful in the perpetual darkness because there is a plant with thorns that has a deadly magic that can kill—even the Dark One.

Hmm...that was interesting.

The reach the top of the cliff, but CSE is unable to see Peter Pan's hideout. Well, that would make sense since it's so FRICKIN' dark. They have to go around the aptly name Dark Jungle. They make camp, hoping to rest up before the next big fight.  

In the Enchanted Forest (not to be confused with the Fantastical Field or Cursed Chasm) the magic mirror reveals to the Evil Queen that Prince Charming has just woken Snow White with true love's kiss.

Battle on!

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Snow White starts recruiting villagers for her army. The Evil Queen arrives with a deadly ultimatum; she wants Snow White to give up her claim to the throne or else a random peasant girl will die.

*Enter random peasant girl*

The Evil Queen promises to kill one of the peasants each day until Snow White steps down.

This so lame. Haven't we been through all this before? Zzzz

Emma wakes in the jungle to crying voices. She grabs her sword and decides to investigate. She finds Peter Pan, who gloatingly tells her he's looking forward to battling her for Henry. He then hands her a magical parchment that will lead her to Henry—(and the big battle I'm guessing). But the map is blank. Emma will only be able to find Henry when she finally accepts her true identity...the savior.

Emma takes her wand and says, “I solemnly swear to be up to no good.” Sorry, just kidding.

*Ten points for Harry Potter reference*

Instead, Emma and the others bicker about what to do next. Regina wants to use her magic on the map, but Emma won't let her. Mary Margaret uselessly encourages her with, "Don't give up."

Snow White and Prince Charming have a meeting with the dwarfs. She considers taking the Evil Queen's offer so the fighting can stop and they can all live peacefully. Charming says that's crazy ridiculous, the Kingdom is hers for God's sake! Charming goes to Rumpelstiltskin because obviously only magic can fix this whole mess.

Mr. Gold is playing with his corn husk doll, which is kind of sill considering he's the Dark One and everything. A cloaked figure jumps out and grabs the doll. He chases them down and unmasks the thief...it's Belle.

How did she get there?

She leans in for a kiss, then Mr. Gold realizes Belle is only a vision.

Anyway, back to glittery Rumpelstiltskin and Prince Charming. "Magic can't make someone believe," he giggles. "Belief must come from within." But Charming won't take no for an answer.

He's learned that you just keep asking for the same thing and it will be given to you. It's called 'toddler tactic'. 

A-ha! There is a magical weapon that will help Snow White defeat the Evil Queen, by showing her who she really is.

Emma tries talking to the map. She says stuff like, "I'm Henry's Mother. My name is Emma Swan." Nothing is working. Then she tries, "I was sent through a portal to break a curse...I'm the savior." Regina gets impatient and snatches the map away. She performs the locator spell. They watch as the floating paper goes into the Dark Jungle.

Watch out for the deadly thorns!

Belle's fake hologram or whatever she is, takes Mr. Gold on a stroll through the jungle. He confesses he's a coward just like his father, and is useless to save Henry. Belle asks about the corn husk doll. It was the last thing his father gave to him. Belle tells him he has to let go of the past.

Funny, I don't remember seeing that at the shop.

In a truly metaphoric moment, he throws the doll away.

Prince Charming and Snow White journey to the top of a hill for the weapon, Excalibur. Prince Charming tries, but it won't budge. Only the kingdom's true ruler can wield...well you know the rest. Snow White effortlessly pulls the sword from the stone.

The map leads Emma and the gang to an even darker part of the jungle. Peter Pan and his Mad Max orphans surround them. A fight ensues with swords, magic fireballs and arrows. David gets a scratch. Emma tackles a kid, but she suddenly stops herself from beating him up.

Why? Maybe because he's a kid?

Anyway, Peter Pan calls off his hounds and they quickly disappear into the jungle.

The Evil Queen arrives at the village prepared to start killing random peasants, but Snow White is ready with Excalibur and runs at her like Last of the Mohicans. “This is my kingdom and I will fight for it.” She yells.

Go girl! 

Mary Margaret asks Emma why she stopped fighting one of the Lost Boys. Emma confesses she saw herself in his expression; desperate, unloved, someone who cried every night wondering why her parents gave her up. In other words, a lost girl in the foster system.

She's the LOST GIRL. Where is Pinocchio? He still needs to be beaten up for leaving her in that orphanage.

She doesn't feel like a hero or a savior, the island makes her feel like...an orphan. Ta-da! The map reveals itself.

Snow White travels to see Rumpelstiltskin and offers to pay whatever Prince Charming promised for Excalibur. He does his little giggle and dance show and makes the sword disintegrate.

It was a fake! Prince Charming faked her out so she would have the confidence needed to fulfill. What a faker!

Just like when Harry pretended to give Ron Felix Felicis before the Quidditch match!

*Ten points for Harry Potter reference*

Snow White is super mad, but Prince Charming defends his actions, saying he only needed to remind her of how awesome she is.

I love it when the writers hit us over the head with the theme. Yeah, thanks we get it, they had to believe in their true selves. 

CSE reads Emma's orphan map and they decide to make a sneaky plan of attack worthy of Scooby Doo.

Meanwhile Mr. Gold treks through the jungle alone. Out of the night sky, the corn husk doll falls in front of him. He sets it on fire, determined to leave his past behind. Then another doll appears, but this one he keeps.

Huh?

Peter Pan pays Emma a visit and boldly states she hasn't given forgiven her parents for abandoning her. And by the time she finally finds Henry, he'll feel the same way about her. Then he promises to make her an orphan again.

Yikes.

David waits until Mary Margaret is asleep. He lifts up his shirt to reveal his sword wound has gone from a thin scratch to a creepy gross magical infection.

Hey, too bad David's true identity isn't a healer.