Once Upon A Time, Episode 4, Season 2, “The Crocodile”

Or better title, “The Obnoxiously Obvious Red Cap”

This is how the country song starts...
photo credit, fanpop.com

Mr. Gold gives Belle a diamond necklace for their night on the town.

Hmm, I usually get a babysitter.

Grumpy barges into the shop asking for his axe back, throwing out accusations that the store is full of things stolen from people. Mr. Gold sneers, then attacks Grumpy as a glittery Rumpelstiltskin.

Oh, wait...never mind. Belle's dreaming. And since she's in skimpy lingerie, a walk outside in the dark is completely understandable.

She spies on Mr. Gold, experimenting with spun gold, like in a magic way. This makes complete sense because no magic exists in Storybrooke.

A fresh faced Rumpelstiltskin comes home to find his young son, Bellfire all alone. His wife, Mila is at the local tavern being sociable with a group of fellas on leave from the pirate ship. Cruelly, she calls him out in front of the crowd, proclaiming how he didn't go to the ogre wars, forcing her to a life of shame.

Oh, that again.

She's sick of being known as the village coward's wife, and begs him to move away to a new place where they can start over. But he refuses and asks her to stay for Bellfire's sake.

Belle confronts Mr. Gold about his late night basement activities and wants to know the real reason he brought magic to Storybrooke. He evades her question, but she sees through his lies, and tells him he needs courage, not magic.

Rumpelstiltskin is terrified to discover Mila has been kidnapped by the pirates. He manages to hobble onto their ship, but the Captain—make that Mr. Sexy Eyes Captain—declares Mila is now the ship's concubine, and Rumpelstiltskin will have to sword fight for her. Shaking in his raggedy cloak, Rumpelstiltskin chickens out, knows he'd be a kabob before he could say, 'Peter Pan'.

Sheriff who?
photo credit,

David steps in as the new Sheriff. This seems useless, but I'll go with it because Captain Sexy Eyes has filled my heart with sunshine and rainbows. Seriously, this guy has so much swag he makes Jefferson look like wallpaper.

Mr. Gold gets worried when he can't find Belle. He pays a visit to the town florist—aka, Belle's fairytale dad, but he's clueless to here whereabouts as well.

A scruffy stranger, in an obnoxiously obvious red knit cap, visits a glittery Rumpelstiltskin in a shady pub. The stranger knows Rumpelstiltskin is looking for a porthole between magical worlds and tells him he's in possession of a magic bean that can create such a vortex.

In return, the stranger asks for eternal youth, but Rumpelstiltskin tells him only the gold speckled Dark One can have eternal life (well, him and Dick Clark). However, he offers to turn back the clock and make him younger, into a boy again.

*cough* Peter Pan *cough*

Rumpelstiltskin can't believe his luck when Captain Sexy Eyes walks into the tavern.

Hi, Cappy! You totally rock in all that jewelry.

Belle manages to stay hidden in the town's only eating establishment. Red strikes up a conversation with her, but neither talk about the weird fact they're both from an enchanted forest.

Red hooks her up with a place to stay, and a job at the library. Charged to be an independent woman, Belle checks out the boarded up windows of the library.

Psst, there's also a dead dragon in the basement.

The stranger and his sidekick (his red cap) show up and easily kidnap her in broad daylight on main street.

Rumpelstiltskin waits outside the tavern for Captain Sexy Eyes. The pirates back down when they realize he's the Dark One. Rumpelstiltskin asks about Mila, and the captain tells him she's dead. With revenge on his mind, Rumpelstiltskin requests a rematch of their sword fight.

Mr. Gold asks David to help him look for Belle. David should jump at this, since he's always looking for magic, and Mr. Gold happens to be the only person in town (other than the Mayor) who dabbles in hocus pocus.

Captain Sexy Eyes arrives for the sword fight, and we're treated to some bad choreography.

Hey, no one claimed this was The Princess Bride.

Rumpelstiltskin gives a moving victim impact statement about how it ripped his heart out to have his wife stolen. Captain Sexy Eyes is ready to fight to the death, but a voice screams from the shadows begging Rumpelstiltskin to stop. Mila stands defiant, dressed in enough black leather for the next Matrix movie.

The stranger takes Belle to her father. They hug, and then there's this awkward conversation about how she fell in love with the Dark One while she was his prisoner.

Um...time for a history lesson. Back in fairytale land, Belle's dad put her up in a tower when Rumpelstiltskin set her free. Then he had 'Doctors' perform 'tests' to rid her of the evil. Gross. Click here for the details.

Belle is adamant that she'll decide who she wants to kidnap her, thank you very much. Dad gives the stranger the 'secret signal' and Belle is once again kidnapped.

Holy crap! If Emma was in this episode, Belle would already be target practising at the firing range,.

David interviews several people about Belle, but since Mr. Gold has terrorized half of the town, no one is super keen on helping him find his girlfriend. Things get really desperate when Mr. Gold asks David for dating advice.

Rumpelstiltskin discovers Mila ran away with the pirates on purpose and has been the Captain's lover for all these years. She convinces Rumpelstiltskin to spare Captain Sexy Eyes, when she shows him an obnoxiously obvious red cap. The stranger is a prisoner on the pirate ship!!! She offers the magic bean in exchange for their lives.

In order to help find Belle, Red offers David her services as a search and rescue dog (since there's that wolf thing). But the trail only goes so far...right to dad's florist shop.

Red channels her inner Boy George.
photo credit, braodwayworld.com

David, Red and Mr. Gold put the pressure on Belle's dad, and he caves after two questions. He lets it spill that Belle is being sent across the town line.

Drum roll...she'll forget her fairytale identity, and go back to the...um, what the heck was she? Just a girl in a cell?

David sees mine dust on her dad's hands, and they hurry speedy quick to the tunnels, which apparently not only go down into the earth, but also spread out past the town limits.

Dear ABC,

It's so comforting to know you can invent details when you need them.

Mila takes Rumpelstiltskin aboard the pirate ship, and he spares no jibes at her abandoning her own son for this lot of dirty scoundrels. The stranger (sans red cap) is brought up on deck, and forced to hand over the magic bean to Captain Sexy Eyes.

Rumpelstiltskin sarcastically congratulates Mila on finding true love. She asks that he take the magic bean and let them go their separate ways. But part of the fun of being the Dark One is making your cheating ex pay for lying about being dead, and totally backing out on all her parental responsibilities.

*Light bulb* Will Rumpelstiltskin turn Mila into the crocodile?

She's unapologetic and spits out that she was miserable because she never loved him. Rumpelstiltskin pierces her chest and rips out her heart. She collapses into Captain Sexy Eye's arms and dies.

Oh well...

Miserable with grief, Captain Sexy Eyes tells Rumpelstiltskin he may have all the power as the Dark One, but he's still a coward. SNAP!

Rumpelstiltskin spares the Captain's life, but slices off the hand clutching the magic bean. He lets him live so that he will suffer the loss of a loved one...just like he did. Feeling no effects of losing a limp, Captain Sexy Eyes fights back with a bits of the ships rig that happen to be lying around.

Hey! Use the silver hook.

Rumpelstiltskin makes a spectacular escape in a puff of red smoke, leaving Captain Sexy Eyes holding the hook.

Permission to come aboard, Captain?
photo credit, hypable.com

The stranger handcuffs Belle inside a mine cart that will take her under the city limits. All she has is a flashlight that will help her find the key on the bottom of the cart. She screams like I did on Space Mountain. Belle tries to get the key, but she manages to drop it.

Silly girl! Doesn't she know Emma is the only chick in this series that can save herself!

Just when all hope is lost, a mysterious force pulls Belle backward.

Wow, it's like someone is using magic...but that's coo-coo because we all know that no magic exists in Storybrooke (unless there's no other option for the writers).

Belle is in no mood for happy reunions. She tells Mr. Gold he's too cowardly to be honest with her, and her dad is just, well...too creepy with all the locking up business and constant kidnapping.

Belle and Red bond over pancakes and bacon at the pub/diner/laundromat. Belle plans on being the new waitress. Red hands her a box with her name on it...it's a key!

Belle happily runs over and opens the library. Mr. Gold is waiting, prepared with quotes about libraries and books and stuff. He admits he's a coward, and has been collecting power as a way to compensate.

When little Bellfire was sucked away to another world, Rumpelstiltskin dedicated himself to finding him. He discovered there was a curse that would take him to that VERY place, and he used the Evil Queen's jealousy to make it happen.

*cough* Guy in useless prologue in first episode *cough*

Mr. Gold confesses magic is a crutch for him, and he can never leave Storybrooke, even if it means never finding his son.

Maybe he should have a pigeon send postcard.

Belle realizes that if Mr. Gold leaves Storybrooke, he'll forget about Bellfire and will never find him. He confesses that he's been trying to break the curse by experimenting with magic in the basement...plus making gold, because it's trading so hot right now.



He leaves her broken hearted, but this is moot because he hasn't even walked three feet before Belle asks him out for a hamburger.

Rumpelstiltskin sits at a table with the Captain's severed hand. He slowly unfolds the fingers, but guess what? The magic bean isn't there!

The pirates are all sad because Mila is now fish food. Captain Sexy Eyes gives the stranger a choice; he can jump over board or swab the deck. He's charted a new course for a land where none of them grow old and he can plot his revenge against Rumpelstiltskin.

The stranger gets his red cap back, and he's none other than...Peter Pan. No, I'm wrong, he's Bill Smead.

Huh, I'm so rusty tonight.



NOT Dopey, or Peter Pan.

photo credit, fanpop.com

Captain Sexy Eyes throws the bean into the ocean and they sail into the whirlpool vortex of fun.

Mr. Gold enters his basement where he's keeping Bill Smead tied up. Since he left his red cap at the mines, Mr. Gold knew exactly who was behind Belle's kidnapping—this also let Dopey off the hook because his cap is purple.

Mr. Gold grills him about Captain Sexy Eyes, but like most plot holes in this story, for some reason, he's never made an appearance in Storybrooke.

On a beach, Captain Sexy Eyes...er Hook, talks with Cora. She shows him her beaker full of magical pink ash from the wardrobe fire. They discuss their plan to travel to Storybrooke so she can visit Regina and he can skin a crocodile.

Oh! Now I get it, Rumpelstiltskin was the crocodile.

Predictions for the next episode.

Emma and Mary Margaret realize they're able to get themselves out of dangerous situations without a guy showing up.

Belle gets a paper cut cataloguing overdue items and goes into a coma from blood poisoning.

Dopey and Bill Smead trade hats to confuse everyone, and end up getting head lice.

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CURSED

Wattpad is an on line site where writers of all abilities and genres can post their stuff for FREE. If you haven't check it out yet, you should. They're holding their annual contest and the competition is reaching a frenzy! Every read counts!

Here's a peek at my entry for Best Short Story, CURSED.


A vengeful dragon, a cursed Prince, and a lovesick scullery maid that will risk everything...

Chapter One

Tess crouches on the riverbank, the icy water numbs her fingers, but she continues to scrub, certain she can still smell the hag's blood on her skin.

A crow calls out a warning from the grey sky above. Tess slips her rucksack over her shoulders, then runs up the tree covered slope, grabbing her clothes, hanging from a nearby branch. She scrambles to the summit and finds a rocky mound to hide behind. Goosebumps pepper her bare skin as she steps into her tunic, it's edges frayed and rough.

Wings flap close to her head. “My lady, make haste—oh! Beg pardon!”

Tess pulls her arms through the scratchy fabric and says, “Not worth fretting about, Sebastian.” She fastens the buckle of her cloak, then pulls the hood over her wet and tangled hair. “I'm only a kitchen girl, after all.”

The crow hops down from the rock, and tilts it's head, staring at her with it's black beady eyes. “A kitchen girl who just defeated the Witch of Wenlock,” he says.

She smiles at the admiration in his voice, then says, “Because you told me the soft spot behind her ear was the only place my dagger would penetrate.” She sighs heavily, a few months ago she only handled cast iron frying pans.

He turns a leaf over with his beak, a bug is caught and swallowed in one swift manoeuvre. He flies up and lands on her shoulder, nuzzling her neck, “It is my duty to protect the soul who has saved my life.”

“Chucking a rolling pin at feral cat is hardly heroics. If there's any debt in this relationship, it's on my side.” Tess strokes the soft feathers under his chin, “You're leading me to my true love.”

“So you tell me every day.” He stiffens, then scans the horizon. “Perhaps a chat about love later since we're about to be killed by barbarian dwarfs.”

Want more? Click here and read the rest for FREE.

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Once Upon A Time, Episode 3, Season 2, "Lady Of The Lake"

Or better title, “How To Abandon Your Kid...In Style”

This is how the horror movie starts...
photo credit, popcitylife.com

Snow White and Prince Charming lean over a crude map, discussing the latest tactics in their war against the Evil Queen. Red arrives and tells them of an approaching beast called the 'Leviathan'— the Dementor knock off from several episodes ago.

The rebels spread out to find the Leviathan. Prince Charming and Snow White split up and plan to meet in two days time at his Mother's cottage.

Psst...this will be Snow White's first time meeting her future mother-in-law—loosely based on the movie Cabin In The Woods.

In two seconds Snow White manages to get kidnapped by Sir Lancelot.

Emma and Cora have a heart to heart in the dungeon, discussing how much they miss their families. Soon, Mary Margaret wakes and recognizes Cora as Regina's evil Mom.

Henry tells David (aka Grandpa) about operation Cobra, hoping they can use magic from Jefferson's hat to enter fairy tale land and save Emma and Mary Margaret. David looks all sad and confides that Jefferson is useless due to the fact that he's loony and his hat is no longer magic.

Henry is convinced the magic only needs to be restored but David reminds him that magic comes with a price. For his own safety he should go to school and leave all the hard stuff to Grandpa to fix. Henry agrees but skips school anyway.

Mary Margaret gives Emma the heads up that in fairy tale land being a Sheriff with a gun isn't such a big deal. They're taken to be questioned by one of the camp leaders.

It's Lancelot and he knows Snow White! He rushes over and greets Mary Margaret warmly; the short hair hasn't fooled him (like it has everyone else). This is super lucky because if you're cool with Lancelot, then the whole camp thinks you're totally rad.

Lancelot and Mulan secretly make fun of stupid Princesses
photo credit, fanpop.com

However, Sleeping Beauty watches with disgust. She views Mary Margaret as the reason her lover's soul is now permanently trapped inside the Leviathan's medallion...or something like that, click here. Mulan chastises her and says it's dangerous to confuse vengeance with justice—especially if you have a lisp and can't spell correctly.

Lancelot tells Mary Margaret that their island is the only safe place in fairy tale land since the ogres have taken over the enchanted forest.

Does anyone else notice the silver key around Mary Margaret's neck? Sorry, moving on...

Mary Margaret pleads with Lancelot and explains they need to reach another porthole. Lancelot orders Mulan to be their protector, causing Emma to role her eyes and say, “OMG, Mom! I own a frickin' gun!”

Lancelot takes Snow White to Prince Charming's old castle for a little drinky poo and chit chat with The King (aka Charming Senior). Except he's not actually his dad because he bought the twins from Rumpelstiltskin, who in turn got them from a woman who lived in the woods...never mind click here for all the details.

The King has a huge royal chip on his shoulder, and has somehow deduced that since his first son died,

Prince Charming must be made to suffer a loss as well.

Dear ABC,

This logic makes my head hurt.

Snow White looks at her cup fearing she's been poisoned. But Charming Senior is more sinister than that and he drops the bomb that she's been cursed, and therefore unable to give Prince Charming any heirs.

Henry finds Jefferson sitting alone on a bench clutching a missing person's poster from his daughter, Grace.

*waves* Hi, Jefferson! Love the scarf.

He's wrought with guilt at leaving her with the neighbors, while he helped the Evil Queen journey to the land of hearts where she retrieved her father's heart and tricked him into staying trapped...oh never mind, click here for the details.

Looking good, Jefferson...looking good.
photo credit, fanpop.com

All hope is lost because there's no magic to fix the hat. Jefferson mumbles at Henry to ask his mother about her vault. Then he runs away—like he always does.

The Mayor is packing up her office...and she's wearing a blue shirt! Color? Could this be the start of a nicer Mayor?

Let's hope not.

Henry calls and invites her to lunch. The Mayor is super excited and rushes out to meet him at Granny's pub/diner/laundromat. But as soon as she's out the door, he sneaks in and steals her ring of skeleton keys.

Emma feels useless compared to Mary Margaret's re-emerging battle skills, and Mulan's impressive knowledge about ogres and general enchanted forest trivia.

Lancelot confesses to Snow White that he had no idea the King was going to curse her. Trying to atone for his mistake, he warns her that Prince Charming's mother, Ruth, is about to ambused by the King's Guards.

Quite frankly I can't keep all the evil Kings and Queens straight.

Prince Charming makes it to the cabin first and enjoys his mother's company for ten seconds before the King's Guards arrive in long capes. He still manages to fight off a dozen of these guys with Jackie Chan like choreography. Soon the ground is littered with bodies.

If this were The Hunger Games I would totally bet on him.

But Ruth isn't so lucky, she stumbles from behind a bush, clutching an arrow to her chest.

Dear ABC,

None of the King's Guards carried a bow and arrow.

Sleeping Beauty tries to attack Mary Margaret but she flips her over, and has her pinned faster than Hulk Hogan. Emma fires her pistol in the air to stop the fight. Mary Margaret scolds her silly daughter; apparently ogres have great hearing. An ogre bursts through the tress hungry for some pretty lady kabob. In a scene straight out of Jurassic Park, Emma is forced to freeze while the blind Ogre roars so loud, her golden tresses are blown straight back.

Mary Margaret puts an end to the mucus shower by shooting an arrow into it's eye. She gives Emma a 'next time listen to your mother' kind of look.

Speaking of mothers...where's Cora?

Prince Charming decides the best way to help Ruth is to venture back to the lake where he can get healing waters...click here for all of those details.

Snow White journeys beside Ruth, trying to keep her comfortable. Ruth starts to talk about grandchildren and pulls out a pendant that can supposedly predict the sex of Snow White's child, even before she's pregnant.

This is pretty typical chit chat for a first meeting with your future inlaw.

The pendant is motionless and Snow White cries that she can never have children. But Ruth doesn't even bat an eye! 'Hey, dummy,' she says to Snow White, 'we're on our way to the healing waters, right?'

What can go wrong? Oops, the lake has dried up. I guess when Prince Charming killed the siren that lived there, the water dried up.

Holy crap, I can almost hear Mr. Gold remind us that 'magic always comes with a price'.

Henry enters the vault hidden under the tomb, and uses the skeleton key to open a dusty old chest. Two cobras spring out—these guys look like the ones who bit Snow White's dad.

David suddenly slams the top shut, saving Henry. He convinces him he'll let him help save Emma and Mary Margaret, but they need to do it together. And since David has accomplished nothing so far, he can use all the help he can get.

Lancelot manages to find a snail shell full of water. Ruth tries to convince Snow White to take it, but she refuses.

And honestly, I can't blame her, it would come up every Thanksgiving.

Emma, Mary Margaret, Sleeping Beauty and Mulan enter Hogwarts castle and find Emma's nursery that where she never got to spend any time. Mary Margaret gets all melancholy at missing out on Emma's childhood, but Emma blocks her out, only caring about returning to Henry. They examine the wardrobe that Gepetto made and wonder if it has enought magic to get them back to Storybrooke.

Ruth takes a drink but she doesn't recover. She knows she's dying and wishes she could only live long enough to see Snow White marry her son. Everyone agrees a wedding should take place speedy quick.

Not only does Lancelot have time to erect an arbor and an inpressive wild flower bouquet in the middle of a barren desert, but he also has wine for the marriage cup which both Snow White and Prince Charming drink from.

Lancelot suddenly arrives in the nursery, surprising Mary Margaret. He looks at the wardrobe with fascination. Mary Margaret realizes he knows too much, including Henry's name. She pulls a sword and he melts into Cora.

A battle ensures and Emma sets the wardrobe on fire, preventing Cora from getting to Storybrooke and thereby canceling out any chance this episode had of becoming EPIC.

Snow White and Prince Charming bury Ruth. He tells her his mother wanted to pass on her pendant. Snow White starts to protest but then the necklace starts to move! Prince Charming is so happy, he's inspired to get all the rebels together and take back the kingdom from the Evil Queen..."in style".

Snow White confronts Lancelot with her suspitions. He confides that Ruth insist he put the magic water into the marriage cup.

In the middle of the ransacked nursery, Mulan proposses thet form an all girl posse and go after Cora...in style.

Emma sees how much Mary Margaret gave up to save her—just like she gave up her chance to be with Henry by burning the wardrobe. Emma cries real tears.

Humf! She didn't cry when Schmexy died.

Cora waits until the posse leaves, then she rematerializes from thin air, and takes a beaker of ash from the wardrobe.

*Insert evil laugh*

Jefferson waits by the school bus and calls out to his daughter. Instead of throwing apples and being angry with him, Grace runs into his arms.

Hi Jefferson! You can totally pull off eyeliner!

photo credit, ksitetv.com

Henry watches the reunion from Emma's yellow bug feeling a little jealous. But David shows up with wooden swords and tells him it's time for his Princely fighting lessons to start.

But Henry isn't the only one hiding in cars and spying on families, from across the street, the baby buying, Princess kidnapping, cursed potion giver—Charming Senior watches...in style.

Predictions for next week...

1. Sleeping Beauty finally gets a real name.

2. David gets a splinter from the wooden sword and spends the whole episode looking for tweezers.

3. The Mayor gets cray and adds a teal blazer to her wardrobe.

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Scary Books For Stormy Nights

I usually enjoy a good bump in the night...er, I mean scare. This time of year as the evenings get cooler and Halloween decorations appear around the neighborhood, a suspenseful thriller is the perfect companion for my bedtime cup of tea...okay whiskey.

For nights when the wind whistles under the eaves and the shadows of the bare trees look like witch fingers reaching for the window, may I suggest a few reads that will get you in the mood...er, for reading a scary book.

(Don't miss the trailer I made at the very bottom!)

The Spiral Staircase by Ethel Lina White

Hitchcock brought it to television and Dorothy McGuire starred in the movie. If that doesn't impress you, nothing will.

This is a classic slow building suspense novel complete with an isolated mansion and a stormy night. At it's heart is a poor servant girl trapped in a house with old family secrets while a killer prowls outside looking for an unlocked door.

photo credit, mysterytarget.com

The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson

Stephen King admits it's one of his favorite horror stories. Enough said.

Here's a tip, read the book first THEN watch the movie—the original black and white, forget about the Catherine Zeta Jones version.

photo credit, connorcoyne.com

Pet Semetary by Stephen King

How can I pick just one Stephen King title? It's tough but this book explores the power of grief and how it can make people act in a way that others would consider insane.

I read this over twenty years ago, but the last line has stayed with me all this time, and still gives me goosebumps.

"Darling," it said. 

photo credit, en.wikipedia.com

Ghost Story by Peter Straub

There's nothing better than a group of old guys in tuxedos reminiscing about one summer fifty years ago when they were all in love with the same woman.

You think you know what's going to happen, but you're wrong. You think you know who is to blame, but you're wrong. You think you'll be able to sleep after reading this, but you're wrong.

Holy graveyard spookfest! Keep the lights on.

photo credit, womansday.com

Stranger With My Face by Lois Duncan

This is the cover that caught my teenage eye in the Chester Book Mobile (ahem...many years ago) and introduced me to the awesome Lois Duncan.

It's light on the gore by contemporary standards, however this suspense filled, paranormal teen drama has all the voice and angst of today's younger generation with clever dialogue and pitch perfect emotions.

A horror story that's full of clever twists with a heroine you'll be cheering for until the heart stopping finale.

photo credit, jezabel.com

The Woman In White by Wilkie Collins

One of the best openings you'll read. A working class man falls in love with a gentleman's daughter, only to find she has a mysterious connection to a local family tragedy. A must for any mystery lover!

photo credit, broadviewpress.com



Check out the quick video I made for YouTube!

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What are some of your favorite spooky reads?

Once Upon A Time, Episode 2, Season 2 “We Are Both”

Or better title, “That Was Easy”

Peer pressure.
photo credit, wetpaint.com

Grumpy and the dwarfs decide to test the town limits by using the scientific method—they draw straws and Sneezy is the poor schmuck. After an impatient Grumpy pushes him over the line, he starts to quiver and emit bolts of lightening.

I'm guessing this isn't good since the music gets spooky.

Storybrooke is in chaos; the Dementor black demon from last episode has destroyed most of the town, and lost fairy tale characters are looking for loved ones...like Gheppetto!

In his small boarding room, a wooden August Wayne Booth suddenly opens his eyes.

This creeps me out like that Twilight Zone episode, Talky Tina, when the doll speaks on it's own.

*Chills*

David pays a visit to the Mayor demanding to know why she no longer has magic to help him get to fairytale land to find Emma and Mary Margaret. Shockingly, she has no real answer for him...or us.

Dear ABC,

Okay, whatever. I will forgive all of the plot inconsistencies as long as you bring the Sheriff back.

In fairytale land, Regina races through the forest on horseback, but Cora, her evil mother, (aka Barbara Hershey, aka Queen of Hearts), casts a binding spell, making sure she stays, and goes through with her upcoming marriage to the King, Show White's father.

The Blue Fairy without her cross.
photo credit, ctv.ca

David needs magic to find Emma and Mary Margaret, and since the Mayor has no answers, he goes to the Blue Fairy—barely recognizable in her Nun attire.

I'm guessing the fairy costume will be the more popular pick this Halloween.

Dear ABC,

What about Nova who was all sweet over Grumpy? 

The Blue Fairy announces that without fairy dust there's nothing she can do to help David. Grumpy arrives with Sneezy who is adamant that he's the town pharmacist. Henry and David exchange worried looks. Apparently, once you cross the town border, your cursed identity becomes your permanent identity.

Regina spends some time with little Snow White, but her anger toward the child is so strong, she fears she's becoming as evil as her mother. When she confides to her father, Henry, he tells her Cora wasn't always a power hungry, evil spell caster. One day she met a man who gave her a book of spells...and she wasn't the same after that.

Ten points if you can guess his name. I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with Bumblestitskin.

The Mayor knows she needs magic to get Henry back. She visits Mr. Gold's shop demanding her mother's old magic book. He laughs and points to the door, but she hints she knows he has something big planned for Storybrooke. And it's this vague notion that's enough to force him to give her the book.

Really? That was easy.

Regina steals her mother's magic book and summons Rumpelstiltskin. He not surprised to see her and confides he's known her family for a long time.

David is feeling the pressure of being the town's leader—plus there's the small problem of his wife and daughter being sucked into a different dimension. Henry suggests he find Jefferson since he can work the hat that is the portal to fairytale land.

Geez, that Henry has all the answers. It's like the writers are telling him exactly what to say.

Instead of actually walking around town LOOKING for Jefferson, David visits Mr. Gold's shop so he can conjure a spell that will lead him to Jefferson.

*cough* lazy *cough*

In exchange for the potion, David promises to stay out of Mr. Gold's schemes.

Why would you promise him that?! What if his scheme is to keep Emma and Mary Margaret in fairytale land forever?

Mr. Gold gives David a tiny flask, and a cool smile, but when he learns memories are wiped clean once you cross the town limits, he's so happy, he smashes all the glass cabinets. NOT.

Rumpelstiltskin explains to Regina that she comes from a long line of powerful magic, but she's hesitant to believe him. In order to convince her, he congers an early wedding present—a mirror that is a portal to another world.

The Mayor opens the magic book; it has a heart on the front (obvious clue). She leans forward and breathes in it's magic.

That was easy. 

David uses the potion on Jefferson's hat and it leads him to an overturned car where he's been conveniently trapped while everyone else has been dealing with the whole magic-has-come-to-town-and-I'm-actually-a-fairytale-character thing.

The Mayor takes her newly minted magic self and busts up a meeting at the town hall. She starts throwing fireballs around, until Henry puts a stop to the crazy pyrotechnic show, saying he'll go back with her. While everyone watches, they leave together.

That was easy.

Jefferson tells David his magic hat is no longer magic and therefore useless. David gets all tough and threatens him with a knuckle sandwich, but Jefferson says they're both doomed to remember one life and forced to live another; then he laughs and runs away like the manic he is.



The Jeffster.
photo credit, tumblr.com



Sheriff Swag
photo credit, tumblr.com

Dear ABC,

Please give Jefferson more air time. Also, I would appreciate it if the Sheriff could now play Rumpelstiltskin.

Henry confronts the Mayor about her overbearing tendency to keep him prisoner. She tries to bribe him with magic, promising to teach him everything she knows...like making huge cupcakes appear out of thin air.

Sign me up!

Regina stands in her wedding gown, looking miserable as Cora lectures her on how to be the best dictator for the kingdom. Regina is disgusted with the unfathomable depths to her mother's evil and pushes her through the mirror, sending her to a different land.

Where? I'm guessing it's where the Queen of Hearts lives with Jefferson's severed head working on hats in her dungeon.

David prevents a parade of disgruntled characters lined up at the town limits, to stay in Storybrooke and to embrace both their identities. They nod and pledge to create a town where everyone is free to be two people...or something like that.

Regina gives Rumpelstiltskin back the book of magic. He entices her with all the amazing things she can do with spells. She agrees to let him tutor her as long as he promises she won't become like Cora.

That was easy.

David arrives at the Mayor's house with his sword ready to rescue Henry; don't forget he's embracing his real identity of a shepherd who is pretending to be a Prince. She breaks down and realizes she can't force him to love her, she tells Henry to go with David.

That was easy.

Dear ABC,

If the Mayor has her magic back and is trying to redeem herself, why doesn't she help David find a way back to fairytale land? I mean Henry would like that, right?

Meanwhile, all kinds of other stuff is happening:

The dwarfs buy some pick axes and decide to mine for fairy dust to help Sneezy get his memory back.

Mr. Gold stands at the town limit, while spooky music plays in the background.

The Mayor doesn't burn the heart covered magic book, but instead locks it up in case she decides to be evil again.

Ghepetto goes to August's boarding room, but the bed is empty.

A camp of renegade fairy tale characters!
photo credit, wetpaint.com

 

Mary Margaret and Emma are Mulan's prisoners. When they arrive at camp, the girls try to escape. As punishment, Mulan sends them to 'the pit'. Emma weeps over Mary Margaret's unconscious body. Out of the shadows another prisoner walks forward, a woman and it's....Cora.

 

Predictions for the next episode:

A new hot guy will be introduced only to be killed off or made to disappear for the next five episodes.

The Mayor will wear something black and cast a few spells.

Belle will get a job at Granny's diner/pub/laundromat, then she'll remember she's supposed to be changing Mr. Gold into a kind man, and rushes off to the pawn shop.

What do you think Cora will do once Mary Margaret wakes up and sees her Granny-in-law?

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Interview With Jane LeBak

The Wrong Enemy is the story of a guardian angel who killed the child he vowed to protect, an action that should have landed the angel in Hell and instead gets him…a second chance?

And it’s not a ‘second chance’ guarding a popcorn stand at the circus, either. Tabris is assigned as co-guardian over a ten-year-old girl, alongside an angel who absolutely doesn’t want Tabris anywhere near that child for fear it will happen again. The only one who does seem to want Tabris around is a demon who’s making a full-court press for him to leave the God who set him up to fail, and Tabris isn’t sure the demon’s wrong.


I met Jane over a year ago when we became agent siblings. Taking the road to publication with her has made all the difference in my mental health. She's hilarious, a real smarty pants, and a good ear. She's also a regular contributor on Querytracker. Check out her website here.

Jane, without her Yankees cap.

What inspired you to write THE WRONG ENEMY?

Way-back-when, I went to bed thinking about my Seven Archangels stories, how all the angels have wings of one color, and I said to myself, "What would an angel look like with two colors?"

And then....I saw him. In my mind's eye, there he was, with green and brown wings... but looking absolutely devastated, and so help me I sat up in bed thinking, "What happened to you?!"

In the next instant, I knew it: he'd killed the child he'd been guarding. He'd killed the child, and been tried, and been found guilty, and now he'd been put on probation and incomprehensibly made to guard a second child -- and he was just so heartbroken.

I finally curled back up under the blankets, but I couldn't get him out of my head. Not that night, and not the next day. I didn't want to start writing a novel right then (it was the beginning of the semester, and I'd just finished writing the manuscript that would eventually become Seven Archangels: Annihilation) but every time
I walked around campus, or when I washed the dishes, or when I was waiting for class to start, I'd find myself working out the story of this sad, sad angel. Eventually I cracked (during finals week) and ended up writing thirty pages a day while taking exams. I finished the novel about four weeks later. That was the first version. I needed to know what would happen to him.

Is there a message in your novel that you want readers to grasp?

I didn't start with one in mind, no. You could find messages about trust and self-forgiveness if you wanted, but my intention as a writer was to get that angel into a safe place.

What was the hardest scene to write (no spoilers!)?

The final scene, oddly. I was about three pages from the end and couldn't finish it up. Eventually I realized the problem wasn't actually there, but about sixty pages earlier, so I went back and fixed that scene, and then the book ended itself.

Which character do you relate to the most? Why?

Tabris and Rachmiel are the two main characters, and I find I relate to both of them and the duality they inadvertently create. They've each got a strong sense of duty, but they express it differently. Rachmiel is all emotion and Tabris is all bridled emotion, and somewhere in that dynamic tension I think you can find me.

Outside of family, what was the greatest support while you wrote this novel?

Knowing so many people believed in me: my friends from college, my professors, my family, and James (who eventually became my husband, and who looked over the version of the first chapter and told me to keep going.)

Do you have any advice for other writers?

Learn to think others' thoughts. Learn to put them on and take them off again. This is the writer's version of stereoscopic vision: you can't write realistically until you can step behind someone else's eyes and see their world exactly as they do, then step out again to see your own vision. The best writers would be able to see both, with all their subtle differences, at the same time.


FAST FIVE

What did you have for supper last night?

Taco night! Woohoo!

 Is there an actor who you think looks like your MC?

Not so much, no, but I don't watch many movies.

Vanilla or chocolate?

Vanilla.

 As a little kid, what did you want to be be when you grew up?

At age three, I wanted to be a paleontologist.

Last book you read.

Live And Let Fly by Karina Fabian

Thanks, Jane!

Now here's a sneak peek at THE WRONG ENEMY. Feast your eyeballs on beginning of the first chapter.


Raguel waited at the back of the Judgment Hall to hear the verdict passed on the boy's soul: Heaven. He nodded as he registered the word, but without rejoicing as he should have. Based on the expressions of the other witnesses, neither was anyone else. Half the angels in the room watched the boy as he leaped in delight and hugged the angel at his side, but the larger number studied the angel who stood at the back of the hall, Tabris.           

Tabris had not reacted to the echoing verdict. Staring only at the chains binding his wrists and securing him to the floor, he stood like a horse at a hitching post. Only once did Raguel see him look up, struggling for a glimpse the boy before the other angels crowded into his line of sight, but then they'd taken the boy away, and Tabris said not a word.  

Two Archangel guards flanked Tabris, one wearing a thousand-mile stare and the other struggling against grief. Everything about their posture read duty to Raguel, broadcast without words in their alert stance, the readiness of their weapons, and their raised chins. Between them, Tabris seemed smaller, slumped, his two-toned wings drooping until they touched the floor. With a shudder, Raguel realized at least one of the guards had probably been his friend.           

They had no idea how to act. And rightly so. Angels didn't usually take one of their own into custody.


THE WRONG ENEMY is available on October 5th! But you can preorder it here http://tinyurl.com/jlebakt. For every preordered copy, a dollar goes to Heifer International.

You can also add THE WRONG ENEMY to your Goodreads list here.

Once Upon A Time, Episode 1, Season 2, "Broken"

Or better title, “Awkward!”

Things aren't looking good for re-election.
photo credit, ctv.ca

A line up of horses along Central Park suddenly get spooked by a dark haired stranger in a suit.

Hmm...a Sleepy Hollow connection perhaps?

We follow the 'mystery guy' as he takes the subway to his small apartment. How small is it? It's so small when he puts the key in the door, he breaks the window.

Ba-dump-bump!

A pigeon lands on the window sill and leaves him a post card beside his rotary telephone. Rotary phone! What is this, the 1970's?

But that's not important. What is important is that the postcard is from Storybrooke. Only one word is scrawled across the back in bold letters

AWKWARD.

Ha! Ha! Sorry, the word is BROKEN.

And this is a perfect example of why prologues are unnecessary. I'll explain at the end.

Two horsemen gallop across a barren plain and enter a thorn covered palace to find Sleeping Beauty.

The first horseman, a lovely chap who reminds me of Schmexy, gives her true love's kiss—completely expected, yes? She awakens and calls him Phillip, then the real kissing begins.

The second horseman, still unidentifiable under a mask and helmet, feels AWKWARD watching them make out, and sneaks off to explore the castle.

In Storybrooke the purple haze has lifted. David and Mary Margaret, now enjoying life together as the royal couple, reunite with Red and Granny and the dwarfs. I recognize Grumpy and Sneezy, but there's a guy someone put a big floppy purple knit cap on. Let's assume that dude is Dopey.

I'm starting to feel a little dopey and it's only the first five minutes of the show.

Emma shows up and things get AWKWARD as they realize they're a family. Henry runs up and calls David, Grandpa!

Remember Henry? He was on his death bed, in his pyjamas two minutes ago.

*rubs temples*

For what it's worth, if I were David, I'd go find August Wayne Booth and beat the crap out of his useless wooden butt for leaving baby Emma at the orphanage.

And since we all need reminding, the Blue Fairy shows up as the Head Nun, to warn everyone that even though magic should never be in Storybrooke, things are complicated now.

Wouldn't it be really weird to see something that's usually the size of a bug, one day show up as big as you? Think about that the next time you see a spider.

Dear ABC,

Changing the rules halfway through the story is not only unfair to the viewer it's also AWKWARD.

Emma tells her expanding family that since the spell isn't broken, meaning they haven't been transported back to fairy tale land, that the Evil Queen had nothing to do with the purple fog, and that honor probably rests with Mr. Gold.

Mr. Gold and Belle are spending some quality time in the woods by the well catching up on all the news that's been happening in the last twenty-eight years. When he learns the Evil Queen is the one responsible for her imprisonment, he's outraged.

Belle gives him an ultimatum to never kill the Queen and asks him to turn his back on magic.

He promises, but we all know where this is going.

The nameless people who make up crowd scenes, form a posse and parade toward Regina's house. Dr. Hopper, appeals to their conscience and counsels Emma and the gang to stop the angry mob.

Why? Because Rumpelstiltskin needs an adversary, of course.

At Sleeping Beauty's castle, the masked horseman discovers a hidden chamber, but mistakenly releases a wispy black demon that looks like the love child between a Jawa from Star Wars and a Dementor from Azkaban.

Jawa
photo credit, flickerfilm.net

Dementor
photo credit, harrypotterwikia.net

But the horseman is very skilled with the sword and manages cut away it's dangling amulet, sending it screaming off into the sky.

Mr. Gold takes Belle to his shop. While he pretends to be getting new clothes for her, he secretly puts on gloves, unlocks a cupboard, and retrieves a golden box. He unlocks it, and takes out *GASP* the very same amulet that the Dementor-knock-off had been wearing.

The angry mob arrives at the Mayor's house with Dr. Whale in the lead.

Remember him? He's the guy without a fairy tale identity...yet.

Regina steps out and tries to unleash some magic on the blood thirsty crowd, but nothing happens. She is powerless.

Let me repeat that, she has no magic.

Emma and her parents bust up the party and take her to the jail house. Once safely behind bars Regina tells them fairy tale land no longer exists...suckas!

They storm out, leaving the room completely empty for Mr. Gold to rush in and confront her about kidnapping Belle.

Geez, didn't they see each other in the hallway?

With lightening speed, he grabs Regina's hand in his gloved one, and presses the amulet into her palm. She recognizes it and gets super scared.

Sleeping Beauty and Phillip see the black demon fly away, he picks up the amulet. The second horseman takes off the helmet and mask and reveals herself to be Mulan—a Disney Princess, thank you very much...even though she doesn't get as much swag as Tinkerbell, who by all definitions isn't even a Princess.

photo credit, fanpop.com

Sleeping Beauty listens to how the beautiful Mulan and Phillip have become awesome pals in their adventures together, and is so grateful Phillip had a friend—actually no, she's totally jealous, and I confess I'm rooting for Mulan.

Mulan fills in the plot nicely and tells us the creature she just battled kills it's prey by sucking their souls. *cough* dementor *cough*

Sleeping Beauty is scared so Phillip gives her a big long kiss. But uh-oh, we see the amulet has left him with a black mark. Soon, the Dementor, black demon, will come for him.

That or he'll be cursed to sail on the Black Pearl and meet his death at the hands of a sea creature.

Mr. Gold takes his Rumpelstiltskin engraved dagger, and stabs the amulet, calling for the 'dark one.'

I can't keep up with all the villains on this episode.  

photo credit, filmedge.net

Regina, a split second later, sees a mark seared into her palm. Cue Jack Sparrow.

Mary Margaret and Grampa David talk to Emma about their decision to abandon her as a baby. Mary Margaret tries to tell her that they did it to save her and give her a better life.

Emma says she doesn't feel like she belongs because she's spent her whole life alone, and that she would have wanted to be cursed if it meant growing up with them. Mary Margaret can't think of anything to say.

AWKWARD.

Mulan advices Phillip and Sleeping Beauty to set up camp in the spookiest part of the forest. Phillip wastes little time, telling Sleeping Beauty how much he's missed her and gives her another big smooch. And then predictably, he leaves for firewood while secretly crying.

Emma and her awkward parents arrive at Dr. Gold's shop asking for answers.

Because he usually gives it straight up. NOT.

Mr. Gold, doesn't even flinch. He coolly lists all the good stuff that has happened: ie, Emma met her parents, and Henry is alive.

Suddenly it's dark and car alarms start going off. Grampa David and Mary Margaret rush to the window as bits of Storybrooke blow around.

I'm thinking it's the StayPuff Marshmallow man from Ghost Busters.

Mr. Gold tells them not to worry, he's summoned the one thing that can rid them of the Evil Queen. They hardly find this reassuring, and they freak out and leave.

Okay, let's recap. Mr. Gold has magic, but the Evil Queen doesn't. Good, let's move on.

Belle comes out from behind the curtain calling his bluff on his promise not to hurt the Evil Queen. “You're still a man who makes wrong choices,” she cries. She takes off, ignoring his pleas for forgiveness.

Mulan and Sleeping Beauty start to argue when they realize Phillip isn't coming back. Mulan grabs her sword determined to help him fight off the Dementor-wanna-be. Sleeping Beauty runs after, saying she's just as useful in a fight, but two seconds later, she gets lost.

Inside the jail, the power flickers and the black demon disguised as a Dementor arrives to kill Regina.

Damn! If only she had some chocolate.

Expecto Patronum!

Emma and her parents show up and scare it off with a can of hair spray and a lighter.

Mary Margaret is so smart! I'm guessing delinquent dwarf showed her that trick.

Regina says it's no use trying to save her, the beast will be back.

Grampa David is like, 'huh, well...too bad. You're evil anyway.'

But Emma raises the stakes and reminds her dad, and us, that she made a promise to Henry to protect Regina.

It seems to me that Emma makes waaaaay too many promises to the wrong people.

Regina is hopeful and tells them there's a way to get rid of the demon, but they all have to go to her house.

Wow, I hope it doesn't involve magic because she doesn't have any...remember?

Her plan is to use Jefferson's Mad Hatter Hat to create the worm hole back to fairy tale land, which no longer exists, apparently.

Mulan is deep in the forest trying to pick up Philip's tracks. She's surprised when Sleeping Beauty shows up ridding a horse, getting up in Mulan's face with her new attitude, 'I'm-strong-and-pretty-too! Yo!' She then accuses Mulan of being in love with her fella.

Hey, I do too, he reminds me of Schmexy.

Back at the Mayor's house, Regina spins the hat on the floor as the others think it's a good idea to set the house on fire.

Mulan and Sleeping Beauty find Phillip and watch in horror as he gets attacked by the black demon. His soul and the Dementor look-a-like get sucked into the amulet.

Dear ABC,

Why do you keep killing off the cute guys?

PS Where is Jefferson? 

Amazingly, Regina is able to make the hat work!

Hooray for plot inconsistencies!

The purple vortex turns the the foyer into a wind tunnel making Emma look like she's in a shampoo commercial. The ripped-garbage-bag-wearing-monster shows up, and starts to get sucked into the vortex. But wouldn't you know it, Regina gets in the way at the last second. Emma, who never backs down from a promise, pushes her out of the way, and follows the demon into the void.

Mary Margaret gives a monologue about why she can't let Emma be alone again, and jumps in after.

Grampa David waits a second too long, and he ends up doing a belly flop on the linoleum.

Sleeping Beauty lays Phillip's body on her mattress. Mulan gives her the amulet that contains his soul.

It also contains the black demon, but we'll worry about that later, I guess.

Grampa David clutches the hat and demands answers from Regina. But she's had enough. She waves her hands—as if by magic, he's thrown against the wall as vines sprout from thin air and begin to strangle him.

Magic in Storybrooke is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

Henry arrives with Red, making Regina forget about killing his grandfather, and she puts on her happy face.

AWKWARD.

When he finds out she really, really, really, is evil, he gives her an awful ultimatum.

Bring back Emma and Mary Margaret, and until then, he's living with his Grampa David.

Burn!

Mr. Gold is spinning wool in a scene that's more ridiculous than awkward, when Belle comes walking back in. They recap that the monster has left the town and all seems peaceful again. She sees the chipped tea cup and gets all weepy. He tells her it's the only thing he truly cherishes.

Hold on, doesn't he have a son?

Then Mr. Gold tells her to leave because he's no good for her.

But Belle won't listen, she says that's the exact reason why she has to stay.

Okay, that totally flies in the face of the first reason she left, but hey, that's the way this show rolls. Besides, she's just a love sick girl newly escaped from the asylum.

Grampa David tells Henry not to be so glum because he will find them...he will always find them.

Maybe he should get Dr. Hopper's dalmatian and search the gold mine like they did in Episode 4. You know, the place that opens into fairy tale land?

Oh...never mind.

Mulan tells Sleeping Beauty that while she was asleep, the Evil Queen took everyone away to a different land, but for some reason their little corner of the kingdom remained. However, she warns her they must leave quickly. It's dangerous for them to still be so close to where the demon emerged.

Mulan moves away some of the wreckage and tells Sleeping Beauty that the thing that lies underneath is what caused all the destruction to their land. The camera pans down to show Emma and Mary Margaret lying unconscious.

Right...because they totally look like Dementors.

And this is the end where I'd like to talk about prologues. The opening sequence, while fun to watch, probably took a week to shoot and added absolutely nothing to the story. I'm sure once they introduce the mystery guy with the small apartment and the rotary phone again, we won't remember him.

Predictions for next episode.

Emma, Mary Margaret, Mulan and Sleeping Beauty will slowly assume the characteristics of the chicks from Sex and the City.

Someone will give Sleeping Beauty a nickname, probably me because I hate writing it out EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Grampa David will do a lot of walking around and scowling while accomplishing nothing.

Dr. Wells will continue to be ambiguous while thanking the producers for keeping him around while the research 'ambiguous fairy tale characters' on Google.

The mystery guy will turn out to be Bellfire. Who is Bellfire you ask? Click here to find out.