The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 9 "Overnight, Overcome, and Overboard."

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Saint Lucia is the tropical setting for the three overnight dates.

 

Let me take a moment to gag.

Juan Pablo says, “This week is pretty important because in a week I will be proposing to someone.”

Someone?

He also says he's looking forward to getting to know the girls better without the cameras.

Uh-huh.

Claire is up first. She wastes no time telling us she's ready to be happy and to be in love.

And I'm ready for this show to be over.

Claire and Juan Pablo spend some quality cuddle time on a yacht. She says she's falling in love and tonight will be the perfect time to tell him. But at the same time it's scary because having all that happiness in front of her, blah, blah, blah...

She'd be saying the same thing about any other guy picked for the show. 

They have dinner which consists of drinks, candles, and pillows. Claire does a lot of lip puckering and hair flipping.

 

Juan Pablo offers the key to his fantasy suite. She mentions how he got upset about their 'midnight swimming' in Vietnam and how he wants to be a role model for his daughter. So how is this different than that moment?

“Well,” he begins, “This is different because there will be no cameras.”

She buys it hook line and sinker. Then she adds this little gem, “From the day he blindfolded me in the car and told me to trust him, I've been falling in love with Juan Pablo.”

And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is why freaks and weirdos try out for the show.

They go to the fantasy suite where there are more candles and more pillows and more drinks. He tells her she's cute and steals a few kisses. Then he runs his fingers through her hair and asks, “What are you thinking?”

Which we all know is his way of asking the girls if they love him. Because making out with multiple chicks all over the world isn't enough. 

The soft piano music begins and it takes Claire a nauseatingly long time to choke out the words, “I love you.” 

They go in the hot tub and now the background music is soft Latin guitar. 

Hey, I thought they promised no cameras in the fantasy suite. No more footage!!! 

The next morning Juan says, “My sleepover with Claire was great, but today I have my overnight date with Andi. I like her so much.”

Andi is excited because she got her firearms through customs without too much hassle. 

They visit a market place, play steal drums, and have a picnic with a bunch of kids who have no idea who these ridiculous white people are.

Andi says, “I really want a man who I can travel with and enter villages and know we'll always be okay.”

What does that mean?

Juan takes Andi to another waterfall.

 

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Again? Didn't we do this a few episodes ago?

She asks him what her family said during the hometown date. He says, “Your mom was the easiest.”

...all night long. *snort*

Whatever, she thinks he's awesome. They make out under the waterfall...again. I hit fast forward...again.

They have dinner on a couch and Juan takes this time to ask her if she's fallen in love with him yet. He lets her know he's not into forcing things.

Exactly, Juan, because this show is nothing but natural circumstances.

Andi says she wants to over-think it instead of under-think it because there's a child involved.

Nothing she says makes sense. Is it just me? 

I miss Sharleen and Renee. I'm happy they're not on this show anymore, but I miss the conversations of normal people. 

Here's another quote from Andi, “You know Carmella, and I don't know Carmella, but you know parts of me and you know...sometimes I wonder what you think.”

He pulls out the key to the fantasy suite. “That's why it's good for us to have an overnight so we can talk about those things.”

Smoooooth.  

Of course she agrees. 

In the fantasy suite they sit on the same couch and drink the same wine he and Claire shared the night before. I think Claire's lipstick is still on one of the glasses.  

Juan wakes up super happy from his sleepover with Andi. “We frickin' laughed and talked for hours. She could be the one.”

Andi tells the camera that she thought the night was a disaster. She couldn't wait to get out of the fantasy suite in the morning. 

“Every time I started to talk about my feelings or my past he started to talk about himself,” she tells us. “He doesn't care about me. I don't like the side I saw. Then he told me about his overnight with Claire. Why did he even tell me? He has no filter. It's wrong. I can't be with a guy who loves himself more than me. It sucks that it took this long to figure it out.”

She cries because she's wasted her time being jetted around the world to exotic locations making out with this stranger.

I don't want to be the one who told you so, but remember when you didn't want to pose nude, but he convinced you it was a good idea?

 

Sorry.

Who knew? The show is ALWAYS successful at finding true love.

Juan changes into another tank top and lets us know he's excited to see Nikki. He also told us he enjoyed seeing Claire in her bikini all day. 

Nikki arrives in an outfit that can only be described as a Pocahontas bikini top and Austen Power pants. She likes Juan because their relationship is based on honesty. 

He says Nikki is so sexy.

They ride horses and frolic by the ocean. She hopes to tell him she loves him tonight. 

The evening portion of the date consists of them hanging out on the couch with him running his fingers through her hair saying, “What are you thinking?” But she stays quiet because she is so overcome with emotion.

Then he hands her the key to the fantasy suite.

This is so ridiculous.

Nikki takes the key and starts kissing him.

They go to the couch and start to make out again. She pauses and he says, “What are you thinking?”

I'm thinking I'm an idiot for watching this show.

Nikki finally says she loves him. Juan replies with, “You like me. I like you.” And then they make out while romantic synthesizer music plays in the background. 

Juan tells us, “I love kissing Nikki and I can't wait to let her see the real me.”

Whhhaaa?

The next morning Juan puts on a shirt with sleeves and buttons and meets up with the host to provide some footage for this pathetic episode. Juan says, “I feel good. I feel good about these women that I have.”

Juan has no idea what he's going to do at the rose ceremony so he looks at the videos the girls have made for him. 

Nikki's best quote from her video. “Our date last night was awesome.”

Claire's best quote. “You met my family and that was so important because that's my life. That's me.”

Andi arrives to speak with him in person. She lets him know she's not into him and will be leaving on the next plane.

 

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Juan says, “It's okay.”

This was the wrong response. Andi says, “It's not okay. It bothers me to hear you say that.”

“I can't force you to feel something. You're here because I like you since the second week.”

“But it shouldn't be okay. The fact you say it's okay makes me think you never had strong feelings for me.”

“Andi, English is my second language. What do you want me to do? Will I die? No. Am I sad? Yes.”

But Andi wants to make Juan cry or bleed or something...and she keeps nattering him. Personally, I think she went a little overboard on the whole 'okay' thing.

Weird that a lawyer would encourage an argument.

If she doesn't want to be with him anymore, why is she still sitting in her lace shorts arguing with him? But apparently Andi doesn't have a flight booked because there's loads of time to squabble.

Juan tells her, “To me it was a perfect date. If you wanted to talk about serious things, you could have told me then. I want you to be honest.”

 

Juan gives her a few crooked smiles and brushes the hair off her face. 

Andi is so mad because she didn't win the argument, and he's not that upset to see her go. 

He tells the camera, “She's a lawyer. I'm not going to argue with a lawyer.”

Juan walks away and gazes at the mountains. Andi monologues in the limo and starts to cry. “Am I ever going to find love?”

 

Meanwhile, Claire and Nikki are forced to stand beside each other for the rose ceremony. The host arrives and tells the girls that Andi is no longer a contestant. Juan Pablo comes out and tells them Andi chose to go home because her feelings weren't strong enough.

Nikki and Claire are stunned but excited since they got a free pass to the Showcase Showdown or whatever the final found is called.

Next week is the reunion show where the women tell all. I'm dreading it already.

 

Juant more episode recaps?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4 "K-pop, Karaoke, and Kissing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 5 "Making Out, Freaking Out, and Backing Out"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 6 "Geysers, Good-byes, and Gagging"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 7 "Reality Bites, Miami Nights, and Cat Fights"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 8 "Bull Riding, Bullseyes, and Bullying Big Sisters"