The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 3, “Who's Your Daddy?”



Chris, bobble head or wolf?

Chris is invited to go on the solo date with Emily. He sees the ropes and buckles and gets nervous, but wait it's not 50 Shades of Grey, it's just rock climbing. Chris has great eyes, but they also freak me out a bit. Does anyone else think they look like wolf eyes?

Never mind. Sorry, my mind wanders while these two compete for lamest compliments. He says she looks good in a harness—maybe he has read 50 Shades? Then she comes back with the very witty, “You're so cute.” Like a million times.

After the climb they go to a concert and get to dance on stage. How original. Anyone else noticing a theme?

For the next day, Emily takes a group of guys to the park—but not everyone, right Mr. Hot Shot? Oh, and isn't he just pissy about that!

What begins as touch football turns into Where The Wild Things Are, as kids are unleashed on the unsuspecting guys. After all, you're not just competing for special naked hugs with Emily, you need to be Ricki's new daddy as well.

This makes me wonder what Emily will plan to do with a man in her Pink Palace of Perfection. What about his framed picture of dogs playing poker? And where will they put his baseball trophies from High School? And don't forget about that orange road cone he's converted into a lamp. Something to think about y'all.

Back at the park that sneaky Emily has enlisted her southern sisters to help weed out the losers of this pack. Again, I would have suggested the spinach-in-the-teeth-thing, but these debutantes have another plan. One actually said, “We're here for the right reasons.” Which would be to get themselves on television and talk with guys who normally wouldn't care what they think.

One friend told Emily she thought Sean (the blond insurance guy) was a genetic gift to the world. Whaa??? If he had the cure for cancer encoded into his DNA, then yes, I'd agree with her.

Ryan with the bad hair, is still riding the wave of butterflies since he was Emily's first solo date. He tells her he'd still love her if she was fat.

Hey fellas,

Here's another tip from your Aunt Bethany. Never, ever, ever, say your lady's name and the word fat in the same sentence. Even if NOT is in there, all she'll hear is her name plus 'fat'. Got it? Good. Don't be stupid like Ryan with the bad hair.

Sean and single dad Doug (SDD) are clearly the winners this date, scoring points with both the friends and Emily.

After the guys survive the park date, they lounge in a room full of pillows like a bunch of genies trapped in a bottle. Emily changes into her evening group date make-up and outfit—even Barbie would have closet envy.

Emily takes Sean have some alone time. He brags about his wonderful parents and how they're still in love. Whoa! Red flag! No one wants to talk about their parents going on dates because that means kissing that leads to sex. And parents having sex is totally gross.

Single dad Doug, or SDD (which is different than STD) explains about his life growing up in foster homes. His own dad was also a single father, but one night he died in his sleep. SDD and his sister became orphans and were separated a few times to live with different families. Holy Oliver Twist!

Emily becomes weepy and says his kindness is a testament to his nature, and that despite his childhood, he's a sweet guy who holds no anger or grudges against the unfairness of life. Okay, she didn't quite say it like that, more along the lines of, “Wow, your story makes me realize how blessed I am.”

ABC decides to make this moment completely cheesy by adding sad music.

Tony has an epiphany when he thinks about playing with all the kids today who aren't his son.

*Cue more sad music* Except ABC uses a different melody than SDD's story because that would be in bad taste.

Mr. Hot Shot, not exactly...
photo credit, shopping.com

At the mansion, Arie gets an invite to go on a single date with Emily. Mr. Hot Shot is smiling on the couch while he's burning under the collar. When will it be my turn? For the love of God, I came in on my own helicopter!

Tony tells Emily he's missing his son. She completely sympathizes because of her own daughter. Emily pats him on the shoulder and tells him he's cute. Translation, “You're going soon, so chin up little buddy.”

Emily talks about another awesome day having all the guys ogle her and fight for her attention. Tony, continues to grapple with his decision to stay away from his son. And I can see why he's so torn. On one hand there's his son, asking when he's coming home. On the other hand, he's there for an important reason—to win the chance to have special naked hugs with Emily.

Tony talks with his son on the phone. Every parent knows, kids are terrible over the phone. They either answer every question with, “Uh-huh,” or they talk on and on and on...After the call, Tony continues to cry and monologue in the alley. The producers have now used up all their sad music.

Emily comes outside, and rubs his back some more. She knows what it's like to leave your preschooler in the care of others to compete for a strangers affection. She drops enough hints that Tony is NOT going to get the last rose, and asks him to stop crying and stealing all of her air time. With a wave of her manicured hand, the cab-of-shame pulls up for Tony.

I really feel for Tony. He wants to find love, so I hope there's another contest he can enter.

Emily drops the bombshell to the other guys about releasing Tony, and they frown and nod sympathetically while secretly doing a mental fist pump.

Did anyone else notice that egg guy hasn't made any moves on Emily AND he hasn't done any interviews with a musical background? *cough* mole *cough*

Sean gets the date rose and is safe for the nomination ceremony. Sorry, wrong show, I mean the rose ceremony.

The next day, Emily picks up Aire in her denim shorts and high boots, kinda like Wonder Woman. He's excited to be whisked away on a plane and then taken in a limousine to a secret location....Dollywood. Yup. That one.

It looks like they have the whole place to themselves. Wow! Feel the energetic vibes of the empty park! They play a few games and go on rides. All. By. Themselves. Like, with no one else around, it's a little creepy actually. I'm expecting the Scooby-Doo gang to run around the corner hoping to set a trap for the ghost who haunts the carousel.



Jinkies!
photo credit, tvtropes.com



And because she's Emily, she not only has the park to herself but the real Dolly Parton shows up and sings a song. It must have been a new experience for Emily to dance without a crowd but at least the cameras were there.

Emily loves how Dolly Parton gets to wear great clothes and makeup everyday, and perform for everyone. Hmm...that sounds familiar. Dolly really is sweet though, and they have some good old fashion girl talk as Dolly gives Emily advice on post operative plastic surgery care.

During supper, Aire tells Emily about his ex-girlfriend and her children. He gives her specifics about why they broke up—nice to know he's reading my blog. Emily lurvs specifics. This is the longest Emily has stayed quiet, only because Aire actually has something to say. When he's done, he turns the tables on Emily and asks her about Brad. SNAP! Okay, I love Aire.

They talk about his busy racing schedule and she's cool with that because she has her Pink Palace to keep 'boy smell' free. I'm sure Aire will have a nice room in the garage.

Emily gives the longest rose presentation speech, but she's only teasing him. I knew this because she never once patted his back. Of course she gives him the rose. They go on the haunted carousel and Arie gets to first base...again, and again.

Ricki helps her mom pick out perfume for that night's rose ceremony where Emily will send a guy home who will NOT be Ricki's new daddy. Why do I have the feeling Ricki will be describing this to a psychiatrist one day?

Take me on a date, damn it!
photo credit, n4h.com

Mr. Hot Shot is the first to get some alone time with Emily. Why is he wearing Mr. Magoo's glasses? He starts to talk about how he always envisioned being a father of his own children. Emily jumps in about Ricki, but he smiles and asks her to let him finish. Her face contorts as she tries to smile while biting the inside of her cheek. She no likey being told she rude.

Emily and Mother Goose decide to set the egg free. It splats on the stone pathway and I wonder how long he's been carrying that thing around. Smelly. I pity the crew guy who has to clean up that mess.

Anyone notice how Mother Goose hugged her and it was totally natural, but in a cousin kind of way? AND they share the same accent. Hmm. *cough* mole *cough*

Emily talks with some guy whose name I don't even remember. He can't give any specific answers and trips over his comments. Emily says he should envision her daughter as a bonus. Eww. I didn't make that up, she actually said 'bonus'.

This just turned in to The Price Is Right. Guess who isn't getting a chance at spinning the big wheel for the Showcase Showdown. But, seriously, it was only a matter of time, he was kind of sloppy looking.

Emily deals with the horrible task of throwing out a sloppy bachelor by getting a gin and tonic and making out with Arie for awhile.

Ryan with the bad hair, is shocked. Okay, what part of the show doesn't he understand?

Emily then meets with Sean in another room and he blows his trumpet about being an awesome dad for Ricki because he had an awesome dad.

Sadly, this doesn't work for heart surgeons. That still requires school and skill. For his correct answer Sean is rewarded with some slurpy sexy time in front of the fire.

There are ten roses to be handed out and I'm predicting that after she's given away nine, the Host will

come out and announce there's only one left.

Emily calls out the guy's names in a throaty whisper and has to ask each of them if they're accept the rose. I think it would be hilarious if one of them refused and then did a kind of dance routine you see on the Heineken commercials.

The rose ceremony that probably only takes twenty seconds long is edited to last ten years. Kill me now.

Shocking! Mother Goose got a rose. *Honk* Mole *Honk*

Another shock, the Host peeks his head around the curtain to announce there's only one rose left. Boombox guy is going home. I guess he should have kept up the conflict with Mr. Hot Shot. Conflict sells, man.

Ryan is upset that Emily is having smoochy good times with Aire and not him. He vows to step up his game. Little does he realize Sean is also way ahead.

Is Arie playing Emily? Will Nate ever say anything? Who will be the first to punch Mr. Hot Shot?

The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 2 "It's Time To Put On Make-Up! It's Time to Dress Up Right!"

Emily takes Ricki to the park and meets her peeps to talk about her first date with all those guys. The other mom's assure her they'll take care of Ricki's soccer practice because if it means being on TV for ten seconds...they'll do it.

Ryan, not exactly as shown.
photo credit, ickypeople.com

The Host tells the 'hopeful soulmates' this week not everyone gets to go on a date. The first date card is handed out to Ryan. He has weird hair that sticks up in the back...on purpose.

The other guys “woo” and “yeah, right on.”

Hey fellas, stop celebrating. He's going NOT the rest of you.

I was beginning to worry this episode would be boring then the show cuts to a pool scene. These 'hopeful soulmates' spend a lot of time at the gym. Emily interrupts the Abercrombie & Fitch commercial and whisks Ryan away in her SUV.

Ryan is excited to be going off with his future wife on their first date. No seriously, he said that. Emily takes him to her mansion and tells him to take in the groceries and to put on an apron because they're about to make cookies. They're are making snacks for Ricki's soccer practice and Ryan goes along with it because he's willing to do anything.

Anything? Are you kidding me! Chocolate chip cookie dough is one of the best things on the planet. Here's what he should have also done—looked in her fridge to make sure she had enough milk and then take out the garbage.

Back at the pool, the guys talk about how awesome Emily looks in everyday clothes and her everyday make-up.

Since Emily is a very protective mom, she keeps Ryan in the car as she delivers the snacks to the soccer kids. Ryan mentions how he enjoyed seeing her real life and how they bonded. Of course what he's thinking is, 'when does the making out happen?'

For the evening portion of their date, Emily changes into her night-time dress and make-up and takes Ryan to her favorite restaurant, complete with red carpet and flashbulb happy paparatzi—consisting of people who happened to be walking by.

Over wine, Emily asks Ryan about his romantic past. *leans close*

He talks about his dream girl—you know, someone hot and rich. She wants to know how he plans on keeping the magic after the show. He stammers a bit and the acoustic guitar in the background fills in the awkward silence.

Psst...Ryan! Here's a hint, mention something about rolling out red carpet each time you go out.

Ryan says he wants to put his best foot forward and show off his true self. Sounds like a round of naked dancing to me. Emily says she had a perfect date and gives him a rose. Ryan is safe.

They leave the restaurant and walk through the PTA paparazzi again. Once outside, they are treated to a live concert of her favorite band. 'Cause when you're Emily you get stuff like that.

They have a romantic dance...in front of everyone...up on a stage...in the middle of the crowd. Yes, I would say this is a perfect way for Ryan to see her normal day to day life.

The next day Emily takes thirteen of the guys to meet the Muppets. They line up and wait their turn to greet her with the usual hug and I've lost another fifteen minutes of my life. Soon they learn they'll all be performing on stage.

My vote is for the frog.
photo credit, wetpaint.com

Boombox guy should be jazzed about that.

Tony does a kickass impersonation of Kermit as Miss Piggy flirts with the guys, and for a moment I actually felt like I was being entertained.

Charlie is having some reservations about performing. He addresses this insecurity with Emily. And since she's now in her 'understanding' make-up and outfit, she uses her southern charm and gives his confidence a boost without making him feel like he's taking the easy road. Nicely done, Bachelorette.

This show seems so long, even the Muppets can't salvage the nonexistent momentum.

The guys are ready to perform on stage in front of a sold out crowd of five hundred people. Emily said she's so nervous because it was only yesterday she danced in front of a crowd.

The show begins and I quickly realize it's all about Emily. Did the people who bought the tickets for the show know this? But hold on, she brings Ricki on stage to sing with Kermit because after all this is her mom's date with thirteen guys.

Emily announces the show raised over twenty thousand dollars for the local Hospital. Huh? Five hundred seats...*runs for calculator*.

After the show Emily changes into another dress, and I have to say I'm starting to get sick of how much the guys keep saying how hot Emily looks. But Emily is smart too. She gets the guys alone and gives each of them compliments. Why is she single?!?!

Jeff has some 'alone time' with Emily and he blushes all the way up to his Rick Astley hair.

Next, Boombox and Emily dance. And even though he's lost the green shirt, I totally hate his tie. Mr. Hot Shot breaks up the private moment asking if he can cut in.

Again, Emily says a few things that are lovely and charming but are now starting to sound a bit familiar. Before Mr. Hot Shot replies, another guy interrupts.

This is tedious. When the guys are away from Emily all the do is cat fight! Or should I say, tomcat fight. Finally the date is over and Emily hands Jeff the date rose. No one claps him on the back to congratulate him. Now Ryan and Jeff are both safe for the next rose ceremony.

Emily takes Joe on a private jet, 'cause that's how single mom's like her roll. We're treated to another cute outfit and of course the red carpet. Seriously, I would love to have just five minutes in her closet.

Emily tells Joe they're going to one of her favorite places as a child. I'm guessing the zoo, or maybe a park, or the candy store...no it's a resort. A humongous, historic resort. She says it has stables and an awesome spa.

I think Somewhere In Time was filmed here. I love that movie. *daydream about movie while show continues*

The single dad and Mr. Hot Shot have a confrontation at the pool which seems almost contrived. Geez, I'm sure the producers have nothing to do with that.

Back to Joe and Emily and another wardrobe change. I think another way to raise money for the hospital is to auction off Emily's dresses. They go down an elegant hallway to dinner and I'm surprised Emily was able to walk without a red carpet.

Over wine, Emily asks Joe some specific questions, but Joe is unable to give her any specific answers. There's lots of cliches and then before things get too quiet the soft acoustic guitar starts to play. They perform a tradition of writing little wishes and leaving them in the antique love-clock.

I'm guessing Joe's note said, 'I wish my answers were more specific'. Emily puts in her note and then gets quiet and teary eyed. The acoustic guitar is replaced with sad violins and we know it's only a matter of time before the tears start.

She says she wanted things to go well tonight but cries because she realizes she should have taken the hot guy on this date instead. Survey says...no rose for you. Buzzer strike.

Dear fellas, 

What have we learnt? Sometimes it's better to NOT be taken on the solo date.

Emily talks about how emotionally draining it was to say goodbye to Joe. Thankfully having her mom dress her in another gown for another cocktail party was the best thing to pick up her spirits.

Arie, the racer, finally gets some time with Emily on the swing by the pool. I like Arie.

And since Emily is alone with one of the guys, the cat fight, sorry, tomcat fighting begins. And even though Ryan already has a rose, he gives her a love note and asks her to read it out loud.

Tony, the guy who does a killer Kermit impersonation, can't stand it and walks into the room. But he stops by the curtains and just watches. Oh, the awkwardness is crushing.

I think Tony should have sat down on Emily's other side and continued to read Ryan's letter with his Kermit voice. Now that would have been epic!!!

Also, let me take this moment to take about the size of the wine glasses. It's the size of a goldfish bowl. That would use up like half the bottle!

Tony finally gets her alone and talks about his son. I can't help but feel Emily has already narrowed the field to four guys—and Tony isn't one of them. Just sayin'

There's another interview on the swing. Cue the acoustic guitar. Emily asks some specific questions and gets a lot of cliches.

Dear fellas,

Give specific answers.

The guys tear each other apart and it seems like they've targeted Mr. Hot Shot. Two guys will go home tonight which means the rose ceremony will take two hours. This show has been so long I've had to do my roots again.

The Host tells everyone before the rose ceremony that the stakes are very serious. I agree, steaks are very serious, and delicious if prepared properly.

Emily gives the first rose to Mr. Hot Shot and you can almost hear everyones teeth grind.

And she keeps Mother Goose!?! *Honk*

Holy. Crap. The Host comes out again and tells us there's only one rose left. Oh my nerves, stay behind the curtain.

She chooses Boombox guy and I'm convinced the producers are telling her who to keep.

Interestingly, the two guys who are going home I actually thought were the same guy, sometimes with glasses sometimes without. Maybe she had the same issue.

I'm convinced now that there is a mole. One of the guys is a trusted friend of Emily's and will be her inside informant. This is a brilliant plan. And the mole is none other than...Mother Goose. *honk* What other explanation can there be for her keeping this guy around? 

Cheers!

Cover Reveal for MY SWEET SIXTEENTH CENTURY

It's my pleasure to reveal the gorgeous cover of Rachel Harris' debut novel, from Entangled Publishing. Don't miss the trailer link or teaser excerpt below. This one will fly off the shelves. Congratulations, Rachel!

On the precipice of her sixteenth birthday, the last thing lone wolf Cat Crawford wants is an extravagant gala thrown by her bubbly stepmother and well-meaning father. So even though Cat knows the family's trip to Florence, Italy, is a peace offering, she embraces the magical city and all it offers. But when her curiosity leads her to an unusual gypsy tent, she exits . . . right into Renaissance Firenze.

Thrust into the sixteenth century armed with only a backpack full of contraband future items, Cat joins up with her ancestors, the sweet Alessandra and protective Cipriano, and soon falls for the gorgeous aspiring artist Lorenzo. But when the much-older Niccolo starts sniffing around, Cat realizes that an unwanted birthday party is nothing compared to an unwanted suitor full of creeptastic amore.

Can she find her way back to modern times before her Italian adventure turns into an Italian forever? 

Author website | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads 

(YouTube trailer link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYacoZNjz_A) 

  

Never-Before-Seen Excerpt from MY SUPER SWEET SIXTEENTH CENTURY: 

“I thought I'd teach you a dance from where I come from,” I tell him. “One that's much easier than that multi-step mess inside.” 

I place my left hand on Lorenzo's shoulder and slip my right one into his. I pause to listen to the music floating over the tinkling voices and bubbling fountain, and begin counting the three-beat tempo. “One, two, three. One, two, three.” 

I stand still, only my head moving, slowly nodding with my words so he can hear the rhythm. 

When his head begins subtly bobbing with mine, I show him how to add his feet. He takes a tentative step forward with his left while I step back with my right, then we side step, close, and repeat the steps with our other feet, all while I lightly whisper the beat count. 

The breeze picks up, blowing my skirt and skimming my veil across the back of my neck. Chills run down my spine, but the warmth coursing through my veins from being in his arms provides a delicious contradiction. 

Lorenzo continues nervously darting his eyes to our feet, but he is dancing. As he relaxes into the movement, his shoulders rising and falling with the steps, the confidence he always seems to exude creeps back on his face, and he tightens the hold around me. Our faces are kissably close, our lips a hairs breadth away from touching. I stare into the chocolate depths of his eyes and the rest of the ball fades away. The only music guiding our steps is my light whisper and the erratic rhythm of our breathing. Time slows. Lorenzo grins. 

“I think you got it,” I say breathlessly, running my hand along the soft fabric of his shoulder, feeling the rock-hard muscles underneath. 

My body curls inward, pressing against his. The proper form for the waltz is a straight spine and shoulders back, but if there was ever a time to break the rules, this is it.

Rachel Harris

As a teen, I threw raging parties that shook my parents' walls and created embarrassing fodder for future YA novels.

As an adult, I read and write obsessively, rehash said embarrassing fodder, and dream up characters who become my imaginary friends.

When I'm not typing furiously or flipping pages in an enthralling romance, you can find me homeschooling my two beautiful princesses, hanging out with my amazing husband, or taking a hot bubble bath…next to a pile of chocolate.

MY SUPER SWEET SIXTEENTH CENTURY is my first novel. I did have my own fantabulous Sweet Sixteen in high school. Sadly, it wasn't televised. 

The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 1 "Goosebumps"



Emily Maynard, not exactly as shown.



Twenty-six-year-old blond bombshell, Emily Maynard, tells the story about her fiance dying in a plane crash, then finding out a week later that she was pregnant. With Emily's voice over talking about how Ricki (now six) is her whole life, we're treated to regular everyday scenes of Emily and her cute blond daughter.

You know, stuff like making chocolate chip pancakes on the granite counter top in the immaculate kitchen surrounded by stainless steel appliances. And then leaving their mansion to go driving in the spotless SUV—pretty typical single mom story so far.

But things aren't perfect. Emily says after she puts little Ricki to bed, she gets really lonely. Even a copy of 50 Shades of Grey on the bedside table can't heal her broken heart.

At this point I'm wondering why she hasn't married. She's gorgeous AND rich! Considering America's divorce rate, there must be at least one descent single dad at the PTA meetings.

Oh, wait *holds up hand* never mind...I see.

Emily was on The Bachelor and made it to the final round. The show ended with the guy proposing as she cried. True love on reality TV...what could possibly go wrong?

Apparently dating someone on a show is different than dating in real life. And when you kiss without the cameras in your face, I guess the magic gets lost. Emily and that bachelor didn't get married after all.

But don't worry, Emily decided to get right back on that horse. Literally. She's riding a horse. Holy crap! Does she have stables too?

Quick! Where's the stable boy? There's always a hot stable boy.

Emily says going on The Bachelorette is a big risk because she might get her heart broken again. Really? Here's a list of things I think are a big risk:

Skydiving

Eating at Taco Bell

NOT making a list for Santa

Giving out raisins for Halloween

Going to Wal-Mart after midnight

Wearing white after Labor Day

Emily thinks she'll find her soul mate and a caring father for Ricki. Sure, why not? It worked out so well the last show. *rolls eyes*

And the fellas are already in love!
photo credit, brothersguideforguys.com

It's time to meet the suckers, sorry...I mean guys. Cue the video montage of each guy at work/home talking about how much they already love Emily.

One guy wrote a song with just one lyric—her name over and over again.

Another talked about his head injury. He also has a bulldog—a big, sloppy bulldog.

Then there's the skateboard kid with the Rick Astley hair. I hope there's a skateboard park in Emily's gated community.

Arie, a race car driver, acknowledges that since Emily's first fiance was also a racer, his occupation might turn her off. But he said he's willing to take that risk. What risk? All he has to do is put on a suit. It's not like they're making him eat at Taco Bell.

Even though the guys are a diverse and eclectic group, they still have one thing in common—looking for true love with a hot blond who has her own mansion.

We go into Emily's bathroom as Ricki watches her mom get ready for her big date with twenty-five guys. It looks more like the cosmetic department at Bergdorf Goodman. I think Ricki will have some image issues as she grows up.

Once she reaches the official Bachelorette mansion, Emily sits down and talks with the host about how nervous she is. “How do you prepare for The Bachelorette?” she laughs.

I'm guessing the same way she prepared for The Bachelor. Dress? Check. Make-up? Check. Heels? Check...

Emily looks perfect. No, I mean really perfect. This chick would make Barbie jealous. She waits in the elegant foyer for her potential soul mate.

The guys start to arrive and the embarrassing chit chat begins. The first guy doesn't even bother nodding or gesturing for her hand, he goes right into hug mode. What is he thinking? Doesn't he know how long she took to do her hair and make-up!

Next is Joe, showing off his huge perfect smile while dancing out of the car like he's a game show host. Survey says...cue the music intro. 

So far every guy has drooled over her body, tackled her in an awkward hug, and then moved on. One guy finally does something new. He goes on one knee and kisses her hand. I liked that, but then he ruined it by telling her his life story.

BORING. Move on.

Unlike me, Emily is quite charming and is very courteous to all these losers. Especially the guy who came with his own boombox—I also hate his green shirt. She asked again for his name, and I'm guessing it's so she makes sure NOT to give him a rose.

Charlie, the head injury guy with the bulldog at home, ended up being super sweet. He was followed by 'Prince Chamring' carrying a glass slipper on a pillow. He believes in true love and fairy tales. I was waiting for him to say, “because true love's kiss breaks any curse.”

Sorry, wrong ABC show.

The next guy wears a disguise pretending to be his Grandmother, singing his praises to Emily. She laughs but all I can picture is this. *rubs arms to smooth out goosebumps* I didn't like his green shirt either. AND he didn't even have a tie.

Hey fellas, here are some tips from your Aunt Bethany.

When you're meeting a girl you're hoping to impress make sure NOT to do the following:

1. Do NOT look at her boobs while complimenting her.

2. Do NOT crush her with a massive bear hug, thereby squishing her face into your armpit.

All I'm going to say about the next guy is this—LEAVE THE FRICKIN' EGG AT HOME. I thought Norman Bates was weird. If this was Elementary School the others would beat this 'Mother Goose' up and give him a wedgie.

Ryan is next. I hate his hair, but I melted a bit when he held up a note that said “You're so beautiful. I'm so nervous.” Nicely done, Ryan.

Soon a helicopter shows up and the guys hanging out by the fire pit have already declared they will hate this hot shot. I love seeing guys get catty.

Mr. Hot Shot, not exactly as shown.
photo credit, jlawrencekenny.wordpress.com

His name is Kaylen, but I'll call him Mr. Hot Shot. He walks in the room and the band plays this. I like the one armed hug he gave Emily, and the swell cleft in his chin.

Once Emily has greeted all of the 'hopefuls' she joins the party by the fire pit and says, “Golly I'm nervous!” I would be, too. She doesn't even have pepper spray.

And if you thought the hug-fest was tiring, now she has to endure the speed dating about to take place. One guy even shows her pictures of his six kids. Six!

Another gives her bobble head dolls that look just like them. Ew. Holy creep alert. But....she LOVES it!

Meanwhile Mother Goose *honk* waits for his turn while sitting on the love seat (nest)...with his egg.

Yawn. This needs to speed up. Emily should have put a bit of spinach in her teeth as a test.

Hey fellas, here's another tip from Aunt Bethany.

If your dream girl has something in her teeth, take her aside, then lean close and whisper, “This is a bit awkward but there's something in your teeth...which I find totally cute, but I know I'm not lucky enough to have you all to myself tonight.”

Girls, if a guy ever does this, he's a keeper.

The guys by the fire pit are getting nervous as they talk about not having any alone time with Emily. Mr. Hot Shot gets extra points by telling her he was raised by a single mom.

And Arie, the race car driver, is relieved to hear Emily talk about her love of car racing.

Finally, it's time for the 'first impression rose' which allows the lucky recipient to skip the next elimination round. She gives it to the single dad who brought a letter from his son. He's also cute, so that helps.

Emily begins the rose ceremony. I'm impressed she remembers everyone's name.

What happens if she calls out the wrong name? What if a guy sneaked in his own rose and secretly pins it on? Are there two guys with the same name? Am I asking too many questions?

Jeff, the skateboarder with the Rick Astley hair, gets to stay.

So does Joe. *Family Feud theme* Survey says...you're safe!

There's a lot of pausing and building up of the music as Emily looks at their faces. I wonder if she's choosing as she goes along?

Oh no! The boombox guy?!!?? Geez, I hate that green shirt.

Soon, only one rose is left on the table. But since no one can count, the host comes out and announces to the room full of adults staring at the table with only one rose, that yes, your suspicions are confirmed...there is only one rose left.

Thank you, Captain Obvious. Now go back behind the curtain.

And the last rose goes to...Mother Goose!?!? *honk*

If I was one of the guys who didn't get chosen, I'd crack that egg over his head.

As the 'unwanted' file out of the mansion, the single dad with six kids gives us a nice Hallmark moment about never finding love again and he turns away from the camera, overcome with devastation. I'm voting him for as the next Bachelor!

The tension between Mr. Hot Shot and boombox guy promise for some tension filled scenes. I can't wait.

Cheers!

How To Secretly Work On Your Novel While At Your Day Job

For writers, nothing is worse than leaving your laptop to go to your day job—you know, the place where you actually get paid. But don't let resentment cloud your ambitions. There's a way to keep the creative juices flowing even when away from your computer. Here are a few ways to secretly work on your novel while at your day job.

1. A two hour meeting in the board room?

Excellent! Take a few pens and keep your notepad on your lap, just under the table and out of sight. Throughout the meeting, glance up from your writing and make eye contact with the speaker, nod, and then write for the next five minutes. Keep repeating this process until the meeting is over. At the end of the session everyone else is weary and yawning, but you my friend have a spring in your step because you totally nailed the word count for that chapter.

"And then...and then...and then..."
photo credit, taitegallery.net

2. A co-worker talks non-stop?

Embrace her enthusiasm! The office gossip is worth her weight in gold. Listen to her...no REALLY listen. Memorize all her turns of phrase and quirky slang. Notice the gestures she uses when telling something especially juicy compared to how she greets the boss. BAM!! You just met your MC's neighbour/sister-in-law/horrible blind date. This gum snapping, pen clicking, bucket mouth is going to give your book loads of color.

3. An annoying co-worker?

Bonus! Make a list of his most annoying traits. Does he say, “TGIF” EVERY Friday? Does he ALWAYS hit the elevator button even though it's already lit up? Does he call you by a nickname that makes no sense? BINGO! Take this stuff and give it to your antagonist's sidekick.

4. Is your plot stuck at a crossroads, unsure which way to go?

No worries! The answer is close at hand. Go to the guy no one talks to. You know who I mean, he's the quiet guy who smells like cabbage and still lives with his parents. He's the guy you know has weird stuff hidden under his bed. Seek him out and tell him your characters problem, but pretend they're real people. Don't even ask for advice, just wait and listen. It's the still waters that run deep. WHAM! He might give you the freaky twist no one saw coming.

5. Are you a stay at home parent?

Lucky dog! Kids are hilarious because their imaginations are untethered by logic. Listen not for the slang, but for the reasoning. Case in point, here's a conversation between my eight year old son and his friend sitting in our backyard as they chewed bubblegum.

“Okay,” my son's friend started. “You're in a boat and you're surrounded by sharks...what do you do?”

Chewing noise then, “Hit it with the oar.”

“There's no oars.”

“Take off the engine and hit it—“

“—there's no engine.”

A bubble pops followed by a long pause. “I'd let him close enough to bit me, then I'd punch him in the eye like a thousand times.”

Me? I would have stayed in the boat. But how boring is that? I never would have made a character dive in and start a fist fight with a shark—I will now though.

See? There's inspiration everywhere, you just have to be open to the opportunities. As one of my co-workers said, “You can never quit working here, the material is endless. There's so much sh** happening each shift, it's like a new chapter every day.

Yup, I couldn't agree more.

So listen, I need to find something to blog about for Mondays since Once Upon A Time is finished for the summer. My Monday blogs are purely fluff and I'd like to stick with something that's popular and not too heavy. I have a few ideas, but I'm going to let you guys decide. Just leave a vote in the comments section.

Which would you like to read on my blog?

50 Shades of Grey (yes, that one)

The Bachelorette (I've never watched one full episode...ever)

Any other suggestions???

Cheers!

Once Upon A Time, Episode 22 "A Land Without Magic" or "A Land With A Bit of Magic When It's Convenient"

Prince Charming struggles to break out of the Evil Queen's castle. He slumps to the dungeon floor, whispering Snow White's name. “I'll always find you,” he says.

He'll find her all right! After he wakes up from his coma he'll ask her out on a date, and then he'll decide to go back to his wife, and then he'll ask her out again and have an affair with her. Then he'll turn his back on her and ignore her, and then he'll want to get back together. But yeah...he'll find her.

The Queen's masked guards show up and escort him to his execution—since Snow White is permanently sleeping from the apple, the Queen has no more use for him. All seems lost until Prince Charming busts a few karate moves, but before you can say Jackie Chan, two more guards block his escape. One raises a bow and shoots his arrow, killing the other guard!

Who is this mysterious rescuer? The guard lifts his mask and it's...SCHMEXY! *Hugs TV*

Dear ABC,

He does scruffy/sexy so well. Note the arrow.
photo credit, tumblr.com

Thank you! I see you got my letters. I'll stop writing now.

Schmexy, in all his super Schmexy awesomeness, tells Prince Charming how he helped Snow White escape—although he left out the part about originally making the deal to kill her to save his wolves.

Ahem...Schmexy confesses he cannot leave the castle as he gave his heart to the Evil Queen, and is forced to be her prisoner forever. “Please don't let my sacrifice be in vain,” he says, and he urges Prince Charming to find Snow White speedy quick.

Henry is rushed into Emergency, strapped to a stretcher and unresponsive. Emma thrusts a plastic baggie of apple popover into Dr. Whale's face—the only Doctor in town. But he refutes her theory about Henry being poisoned since he's showing no signs of neural toxicity.

Wow! Amazing five second diagnosis, Dr. Whale.

Emma dumps Henry's backpack looking for any clues to what may have caused his sudden blackout. The storybook falls out and she touches it. Emma's eyes open wide and we're treated to a seizure inducing rate of fairytale land flashbacks. Ta-da! Emma suddenly believes.

What the heck? Like why now, and not all the other times she's touched the book?

Dear ABC,

Whatever.

I think this song by Carly Rae Jepsen sums up the moment nicely.

Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad. I missed you so, so bad.

Yeah, it doesn't make any sense in this story either.

Emma does her best impersonation of Jack Nicholson from The Shining and goes super crazy when the Mayor runs in to see Henry. Cat fight! How many times have these two punched it up? It's like The Bachelor.

Soon the supply closet is a mess. Emma demands answers from the Mayor. She confesses the apple was supposed to put Emma in a coma. She cries that she has no idea how to wake Henry up. The apple was the last bit of magic, and magic in this world is unpredictable.

Which is interesting because I thought NO MAGIC EXISTS IN THIS WORLD! Hello, that's actually the title of this episode.

*Rubs temples to fight off headache*

Now that everything is out in the open, the Mayor confides only person can help Henry now. The only OTHER person who knows about magic—Mr. Gold.

Um...isn't Jefferson magic? *Reaches for Tylenol*

The Evil Queen is very upset with Schmexy for letting Prince Charming get away. She tosses him up against the wall like she's auditioning for the part of Christian Grey. Except her version would be called 50 Shades of Black Dresses.

Prince Charming stumbles through the woods, running in circles. He realizes he's lost his mother's ring (she said it would help him find his true love) Rumpelstiltskin pops up from behind a log with the ring. Before Prince Charming can lunge toward him, Rumpelstiltskin puts a charm on the ring so that it will glow brightly the closer he gets to Snow White.

A sword fight ensues which is a handy trick the writers like to use to eat up air time without having to write any dialogue. Rumpelstiltskin wins the duel and tells Prince Charming his bravery, grace and gallantry is pointless. The only way out of the Infinite Forest is by magic.

David confronts Mary Margaret outside the Animal Shelter, trying to apologize. He says he tries to make the right decisions but everything gets messed up anyway. David still sucks at apologizing. This is a situation where bravery, grace and gallantry would be very useful. He tells her he's leaving Storybrooke unless she can give him a reason to stay. Mary Margaret lets out a long tired sigh and gets into her car, completely ignoring his teary face.

Rumpelstiltskin shows Prince Charming a vial with a few drops of sparkly, purple goo, and tells him it's a potion for true love—it's the only magic powerful enough to break any curse.

He locks it inside a huge Faberge egg and tosses it to Prince Charming. His task to win back his mother's ring is to keep the potion safe by putting it inside the belly of the beast.

Does he mean Ruby? And why does he need Prince Charming to do this? Can't he just use magic?



Mr. Gold, not exactly as shown.
photo credit, dailymail.co.uk



The Mayor and Emma visit Mr. Gold desperate for a way to save Henry. And now that Emma is a believer, Mr. Gold tells her matter of fact about the love potion made from both Prince Charming and Snow White's hair. He says only Emma can retrieve the potion because she's the product of their magic.

Yes, he actually said that—she's the product of their magic. Barry White should be singing this with a soft saxophone playing in the background.

Mr. Gold hands over Prince Charming's sword and tells Emma she has to use it to get the potion out of the belly of the beast.

Holy crap! Emma has to slice open Ruby?

Emma returns to Henry's bedside clutching the storybook, and vows to save him. I'm thinking it would be smart to open the book to get a few hints about the beast she has to slay.

After Emma leaves, the Mayor slinks in and apologizes to Henry. Jefferson (another hot guy cameo?! Thank you, ABC!) comes out of the shadows and demands the Mayor give him back his daughter. Remember the deal they made last episode?

But she says the deal is null and void because Emma didn't eat the apple. SNAP! Jefferson is furious and storms away.

Emma visits August's bedroom and finally sees his wood. Sorry, I couldn't help it. That's for you, Lexade. He gasps for her to break the curse. Emma begs for his help, but the grain reaches his face, and he shuts down into total puppet mode.

Emma meets the Mayor outside the abandoned shop they always walk by in the street scenes. Emma holds Prince Charming's sword and watches as the Mayor moves a few false walls to reveal an old steel elevator. The Queen hints she punished someone and trapped her in another form—and that's who's at the bottom.

Maleficient and her silly headpiece.
photo credit, twitter.com

Prince Charming charges into an abandoned castle, clutching the Faberge egg, and is met by Maleficent. She was a witch the Evil Queen fought with a super long time ago. Remeber? The Evil Queen threatened to kill her unicorn if she didn't hand over a dark curse. Somewhere in this castle is Sleeping Beauty, me thinks.

Prince Charming demands the whereabouts of the beast that guards the castle and in a page straight out of Be Careful What You Ask For, Maleficent turns into a fire breathing dragon.

Emma reaches the bottom of the shaft and searches the rocky catacombs. She stops to inspect something that looks like the glass coffin Snow White was showcased in. Before she can confirm my suspicions that Sleeping Beauty is inside, a huge eye opens up. Dragon time.

Prince Charming battles with the dragon, clutching the huge egg. What is this? The Triwizard Tournament! *Ten points for Harry Potter reference*

Like family tag-team, the scene switches back and forth with Emma and Prince Charming battling the dragon in different times. Prince Charming decides to ride the dragon like he's trying to escape Gringotts (ten more points!) He sees a space behind the ear flap and shoves it in. He escapes from the castle by jumping through a stained glass window and safely lands in the lake.

Emma gives up the sword and tries shooting at the beast, but the bullets are useless, and because she's a girl she falls down. *Rolls eyes*

Mary Margaret reads the storybook to Henry about how Prince Charming woke Snow White with true love's kiss—say it with me, "the kiss more powerful than magic."

Henry's heart rate stops and there is a frenzy of people in white rushing around. In all the confusion someone slips past the special secret code door, and down the stairs to the creepy basement. We see that it's Jefferson and he goes straight for Belle's cell. He lets her out and instructs her to find Mr. Gold and make sure to tell him that Regina locked her up.

Rumpelstiltskin gives Prince Charming the enchanted ring as promised, and decides to throw in a makeover, just 'cause he's so into fashion that way.

Emma rolls away from the dragon and grabs the sword. She throws it straight at it's belly and makes a perfect hit. The dragon explodes in a burst of fire. Emma squints through the haze and sees the Faberge egg nestled in a mound of ash.

Prince Charming finds the dwarfs surrounding a glass coffin. Thinking Snow White has died, he lifts off the lid, wanting to say good-bye. He gives her a kiss...and well you know the rest. She wakes up and a seismic wave of color washes over Fairytale land.

They walk along the lake shore with majestic mountains in the background. Canada brings out the romantic in every one. Prince Charming puts the ring on her finger and proposes. Snow White mentions the pesky problem of both their parents who are trying to kill them, but she has a solution and tells him it's time to take back the kingdom. *High fives TV*

Emma is in the elevator with the egg. When it jerks to a stop she looks up and sees Mr. Gold smiling down at her. He says the Mayor abandoned her. She can't climb and hold the egg, so she tosses it up to him, but when Emma reaches the top, she finds the Mayor gagged and tied.

Before they can plot revenge, their phones ring. They race to the hospital and find out they're too late. Dr. Whale and the Head Nun tell them Henry has died. Emma slowly approaches the bed as the Nurse takes off his oxygen mask.

Mr. Gold opens the egg and takes out the vial containing the tiny bit of purple. He hears a voice and turns to see Belle. She gives him the message about Regina, but he can't speak. He finally touches her and realizes the Mayor has been lying to him the whole time.

Really? How shocking that he can't trust her!

I command thee to rise!
photo credit, seat42f.com 

Back at the hospital cellos play in the corner as Emma leans over Henry. She cries and whispers that she loves him. Cue true love's kiss.

Henry wakes from the dead!

*cough* Saw it coming *cough*

A rainbow wave washes over Storybrooke, hitting every character, including David who almost made it to the town limits in his pickup truck. Everyone gets that weird 'deja vu' look on their face.

The Mayor makes a last ditch attempt to win Henry's heart, and then makes a run for it, since the whole town hates her. She hides in her house and cries into a pillow.

David and Mary Margaret find each other AGAIN, and finally remember their real past.

Mr. Gold and Belle walk through the forest. She stops and calls him Rumpelstiltskin and they share true love's hug. Before the celebration gets out of hand, he tells her there's something he must do first. He shows her the magic well that will return, that which you have lost. He drops in the vial.

But instead of Bellfire emerging (which was my guess), a purple fog oozes over the sides and engulfs them both.

Henry and the others watch the huge purple cloud envelope the town. Everyone looks frightened...except for the Mayor.

Mr. Gold is bringing back the magic. He holds Belle close and tells her magic is power.

And the Mayor smiles because she knows. GAME ON.

But remember everyone, magic comes with a price. I'm guessing the town will go splitsville with some siding with Rumpelstiltskin, and some siding with the Evil Queen. Prepare for outrageous costumes, everyone.

We have to wait until the fall before we know what happens next. However, over the summer I'll be composing my thesis for ABC. I've already started with a few questions.

If true love's kiss can break any curse, everyone in Storybrooke should be safe as long as Snow White and Prince Charming keep making out on a regular basis.

Is the reason we never saw Sleeping Beauty because she's been trapped underground with Maleficent?

Again Rumpelstiltskin chose magic over his son. I thought he made peace with that two episodes ago? Why change his mind?

What do you think will happen next?

Are You A Cover Girl, Too?

I'm a total cover girl. Not the kind that poses in front of a blowing fan while a voice behind a huge camera lens shouts things like, "Yeah, give me more attitude...NO! Only the eyes! Stop dancing!"

Well, at least that's what I imagine my photo shoot would sound like.

No, I'm talking about book covers. I'll admit, once I bought a book because of the pretty stuff on the front. It turned out to be disappointing. Although it ended up on the NYT's best seller list, so what do I know? I eventually gave it to someone, but I decided to keep the dust jacket ;)

I come by my book buying philosophy honestly, though. When I was in grade two my mom bought me a book because she thought the girl on the cover looked like me.

I still fondly remember that story, so I guess she knew what she was doing.

By Bernice Thurman Hunter
photo credit amazon.com

Me, age seven. Good times in plaid.

  


These days, I tend to go for the covers that are simple but striking. I've noticed that in most cases the cover has nothing to do with the story. It's usually an image that will catch your eye and make you pick up the book off the shelf, which I guess is the whole point.

My favorite cover this year, hands down, is CINDER by Marissa Meyer.

photo credit, usatodabooks.com

I love the black, white and red (worked for Twilight), especially the hardware under the sheer stocking...very unexpected. Also, the calligraphy style font of the title is perfect. This is the kind of  cover that you will recognize immediately and not confuse with any other book.

What are some of your favorite covers? Post your picks in the comments and read what others think.

Next Monday I'll be blogging the season finale of Once Upon A Time.

Cheers!