The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 1 "Goosebumps"



Emily Maynard, not exactly as shown.



Twenty-six-year-old blond bombshell, Emily Maynard, tells the story about her fiance dying in a plane crash, then finding out a week later that she was pregnant. With Emily's voice over talking about how Ricki (now six) is her whole life, we're treated to regular everyday scenes of Emily and her cute blond daughter.

You know, stuff like making chocolate chip pancakes on the granite counter top in the immaculate kitchen surrounded by stainless steel appliances. And then leaving their mansion to go driving in the spotless SUV—pretty typical single mom story so far.

But things aren't perfect. Emily says after she puts little Ricki to bed, she gets really lonely. Even a copy of 50 Shades of Grey on the bedside table can't heal her broken heart.

At this point I'm wondering why she hasn't married. She's gorgeous AND rich! Considering America's divorce rate, there must be at least one descent single dad at the PTA meetings.

Oh, wait *holds up hand* never mind...I see.

Emily was on The Bachelor and made it to the final round. The show ended with the guy proposing as she cried. True love on reality TV...what could possibly go wrong?

Apparently dating someone on a show is different than dating in real life. And when you kiss without the cameras in your face, I guess the magic gets lost. Emily and that bachelor didn't get married after all.

But don't worry, Emily decided to get right back on that horse. Literally. She's riding a horse. Holy crap! Does she have stables too?

Quick! Where's the stable boy? There's always a hot stable boy.

Emily says going on The Bachelorette is a big risk because she might get her heart broken again. Really? Here's a list of things I think are a big risk:

Skydiving

Eating at Taco Bell

NOT making a list for Santa

Giving out raisins for Halloween

Going to Wal-Mart after midnight

Wearing white after Labor Day

Emily thinks she'll find her soul mate and a caring father for Ricki. Sure, why not? It worked out so well the last show. *rolls eyes*

And the fellas are already in love!
photo credit, brothersguideforguys.com

It's time to meet the suckers, sorry...I mean guys. Cue the video montage of each guy at work/home talking about how much they already love Emily.

One guy wrote a song with just one lyric—her name over and over again.

Another talked about his head injury. He also has a bulldog—a big, sloppy bulldog.

Then there's the skateboard kid with the Rick Astley hair. I hope there's a skateboard park in Emily's gated community.

Arie, a race car driver, acknowledges that since Emily's first fiance was also a racer, his occupation might turn her off. But he said he's willing to take that risk. What risk? All he has to do is put on a suit. It's not like they're making him eat at Taco Bell.

Even though the guys are a diverse and eclectic group, they still have one thing in common—looking for true love with a hot blond who has her own mansion.

We go into Emily's bathroom as Ricki watches her mom get ready for her big date with twenty-five guys. It looks more like the cosmetic department at Bergdorf Goodman. I think Ricki will have some image issues as she grows up.

Once she reaches the official Bachelorette mansion, Emily sits down and talks with the host about how nervous she is. “How do you prepare for The Bachelorette?” she laughs.

I'm guessing the same way she prepared for The Bachelor. Dress? Check. Make-up? Check. Heels? Check...

Emily looks perfect. No, I mean really perfect. This chick would make Barbie jealous. She waits in the elegant foyer for her potential soul mate.

The guys start to arrive and the embarrassing chit chat begins. The first guy doesn't even bother nodding or gesturing for her hand, he goes right into hug mode. What is he thinking? Doesn't he know how long she took to do her hair and make-up!

Next is Joe, showing off his huge perfect smile while dancing out of the car like he's a game show host. Survey says...cue the music intro. 

So far every guy has drooled over her body, tackled her in an awkward hug, and then moved on. One guy finally does something new. He goes on one knee and kisses her hand. I liked that, but then he ruined it by telling her his life story.

BORING. Move on.

Unlike me, Emily is quite charming and is very courteous to all these losers. Especially the guy who came with his own boombox—I also hate his green shirt. She asked again for his name, and I'm guessing it's so she makes sure NOT to give him a rose.

Charlie, the head injury guy with the bulldog at home, ended up being super sweet. He was followed by 'Prince Chamring' carrying a glass slipper on a pillow. He believes in true love and fairy tales. I was waiting for him to say, “because true love's kiss breaks any curse.”

Sorry, wrong ABC show.

The next guy wears a disguise pretending to be his Grandmother, singing his praises to Emily. She laughs but all I can picture is this. *rubs arms to smooth out goosebumps* I didn't like his green shirt either. AND he didn't even have a tie.

Hey fellas, here are some tips from your Aunt Bethany.

When you're meeting a girl you're hoping to impress make sure NOT to do the following:

1. Do NOT look at her boobs while complimenting her.

2. Do NOT crush her with a massive bear hug, thereby squishing her face into your armpit.

All I'm going to say about the next guy is this—LEAVE THE FRICKIN' EGG AT HOME. I thought Norman Bates was weird. If this was Elementary School the others would beat this 'Mother Goose' up and give him a wedgie.

Ryan is next. I hate his hair, but I melted a bit when he held up a note that said “You're so beautiful. I'm so nervous.” Nicely done, Ryan.

Soon a helicopter shows up and the guys hanging out by the fire pit have already declared they will hate this hot shot. I love seeing guys get catty.

Mr. Hot Shot, not exactly as shown.
photo credit, jlawrencekenny.wordpress.com

His name is Kaylen, but I'll call him Mr. Hot Shot. He walks in the room and the band plays this. I like the one armed hug he gave Emily, and the swell cleft in his chin.

Once Emily has greeted all of the 'hopefuls' she joins the party by the fire pit and says, “Golly I'm nervous!” I would be, too. She doesn't even have pepper spray.

And if you thought the hug-fest was tiring, now she has to endure the speed dating about to take place. One guy even shows her pictures of his six kids. Six!

Another gives her bobble head dolls that look just like them. Ew. Holy creep alert. But....she LOVES it!

Meanwhile Mother Goose *honk* waits for his turn while sitting on the love seat (nest)...with his egg.

Yawn. This needs to speed up. Emily should have put a bit of spinach in her teeth as a test.

Hey fellas, here's another tip from Aunt Bethany.

If your dream girl has something in her teeth, take her aside, then lean close and whisper, “This is a bit awkward but there's something in your teeth...which I find totally cute, but I know I'm not lucky enough to have you all to myself tonight.”

Girls, if a guy ever does this, he's a keeper.

The guys by the fire pit are getting nervous as they talk about not having any alone time with Emily. Mr. Hot Shot gets extra points by telling her he was raised by a single mom.

And Arie, the race car driver, is relieved to hear Emily talk about her love of car racing.

Finally, it's time for the 'first impression rose' which allows the lucky recipient to skip the next elimination round. She gives it to the single dad who brought a letter from his son. He's also cute, so that helps.

Emily begins the rose ceremony. I'm impressed she remembers everyone's name.

What happens if she calls out the wrong name? What if a guy sneaked in his own rose and secretly pins it on? Are there two guys with the same name? Am I asking too many questions?

Jeff, the skateboarder with the Rick Astley hair, gets to stay.

So does Joe. *Family Feud theme* Survey says...you're safe!

There's a lot of pausing and building up of the music as Emily looks at their faces. I wonder if she's choosing as she goes along?

Oh no! The boombox guy?!!?? Geez, I hate that green shirt.

Soon, only one rose is left on the table. But since no one can count, the host comes out and announces to the room full of adults staring at the table with only one rose, that yes, your suspicions are confirmed...there is only one rose left.

Thank you, Captain Obvious. Now go back behind the curtain.

And the last rose goes to...Mother Goose!?!? *honk*

If I was one of the guys who didn't get chosen, I'd crack that egg over his head.

As the 'unwanted' file out of the mansion, the single dad with six kids gives us a nice Hallmark moment about never finding love again and he turns away from the camera, overcome with devastation. I'm voting him for as the next Bachelor!

The tension between Mr. Hot Shot and boombox guy promise for some tension filled scenes. I can't wait.

Cheers!