Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 17, “Welcome to Storybrooke”

Or better title, "Same Plot, Different Title"

A father and son are camping in the woods. They sit around the fire making key chains.

Arts and crafts? Aren't they supposed to be farting and roasting hot dogs?

A lot of time is spent conveying the special meaning behind the key chains. I'm sure it's nothing. I doubt we'll see those key chains again.

Suddenly, the wind picks up and a purple cloud engulfs the pair as they run for cover. When they come out of the tent the next morning, their truck is damaged and all the tress around them are uprooted by the force of the storm.

They walk into the nearest town, only with their backpacks, but confused since they drove through that same area yesterday and nothing was there.

They are soon greeted by the town's Sheriff.

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SCHMEXY!!!!!

Dear ABC,

Nice to see my weekly letter campaign paid off.

Regina wakes up and dances around her new home. She walks around town and smiles as all the amnesiac fairy tale characters greet her as the Mayor. I'm guessing this is the first official day of Storybrooke.

Regina enters Granny's pub/diner/laundromat and is ushered over to her usual stool of importance at the counter.

*Crosses fingers and prayers to the TV Gods* Please let there be more scenes with the Sheriff.

HOORAY!!

Schmexy walks in and gives the Mayor a knowing smile. She tells him, “That uniform looks good on you. It's so well fitted.”

He leans in close and asks her, “Do you want me to come over tonight?”

Yes, please! So far, this is my favorite episode of the year.

 

But the little boy and his dad are at the diner as well. Regina is put off by their presence and she asks Schmexy to fix the problem.
 

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We flash forward to present day.

Regina cries over Cora's coffin. She's soon joined by Mr. Gold. They talk about hearts, and love, and desperate measures. Regina vows to kill Mary Margaret. Mr. Gold councils her to give up on revenge—she can't have everything. If she wants Mary Margaret dead, losing Henry is the price she will pay.

But she's not buying it. She vows, “I will have EVERYTHING.”

We've heard this before. *yawn* More Schmexy, please.

Mary Margaret is lying in bed, depressed over her new 'killer' status. Emma tries to explain to Henry about Cora's death when she's interrupted by Mr. Gold. He shows up at the apartment warning them of Regina's plan. David tells Mr. Gold that he should help protect Mary Margaret since she saved his life.

Back in the past where Schmexy still exists, Regina is trying to hustle the camper and his kid out of Storybrooke faster than you can say, 'hocus pocus'. The kid, Owen, gives her the red and green key chain he made with his dad.

Why?

Because he's a kid and Granny's pancakes put him in a good mood.

Regina revels in her new town where everyone is clueless to their true identity, and are stuck performing the same activities over and over again.

*Cough* Groundhog Day *cough*

 

Soon though, the monotony starts to get boring. She pays Mr. Gold a visit and complains that the town isn't what she wanted when she cast the spell.

He gives her little assistance since he has his own agenda. Regina is desperate for interaction from people who are real. She finds the key chain in her pocket and calls the hotel where Owen and his dad are staying until their truck is fixed. She invites them over for dinner.

In the tomb, Regina frantically rips apart Cora's things and finds a small scroll. I'm guessing it's a spell to kill Mary Margaret without losing Henry...or a recipe for chicken parmesan. Not sure.

Mr. Gold and David break into the tomb and find the room in shambles. Mr. Gold does an inventory and realizes Regina has all the ingredients to make a love potion...sort of. The run back to Mary Margaret's apartment where Emma and Henry are waiting. He explains that Regina still needs the heart of the person she hates the most.

David folds his arms across his chest, and does his best scowl. Mr. Gold impatiently explains this is a blood feud, and the only way to end a blood feud is by spilling more blood.

Or by going on Family Feud.

Henry pipes up, “You guys used to be heroes. What happened to you?”

Seriously. Someone call the Sheriff...from the past.

Regina has Owen and his dad over for lasagna. The son is a bit cheeky and his dad apologizes for his behavior, explaining his wife died recently and they were camping to try and deal with their grief.

Regina gets misty eyed and says, “What good is a new life if you have no one to share it with.”

What does that matter when Schmexy is your bedroom slave?

Regina and Owen make apple turnovers in the kitchen. He tells her she'd be a good mom, and he complains about New Jersey. Regina has a great idea and invites them to move to Storybrooke since she enjoys talking to someone who doesn't believe in fairies or unicorns.

The dad gives her a funny look and slowly backs out of the house with Owen. Regina is crushed.

Emma takes Henry to Granny's pub/laundromat/diner where Neil is waiting for him. He proposes that Henry return to New York with him because all the dark magic swirling around is bound to get him killed.

Henry says, “Why don't they just get rid of the magic? Then no one would be able to hurt anyone.”

Henry, it's not that simple. There was no magic in Storybrooke. Then there was. Then there wasn't. Then there was, but only for special cases. Now it's back for good, but no one is trying to use it...oh, never mind.

While I'm getting a headache, Greg, (the guy who ran off the road after hitting Hook with his car) comes in for take-out and wants to go on a hike—since Storybrooke is growing on him and everything.

Why are we seeing Greg for ten seconds? Why is he still in the script? *cough* Owen *cough*

Doesn't this dude have a job to get back to?

And when can we return to the past to see Schmexy again?

Regina goes to the auto shop to convince the mechanic to work more slowly on the truck, thereby keeping Owen and his dad in Storybrooke even longer. But the dad has already paid the bill and picked up the truck.

She rushes back to her office and opens a little chest. She talks into a Schmexy's glowing heart like it's a CB radio, ordering Schmexy to pull over the dad for drunk driving, and to bring Owen back to her.

She turns around and the dad is looking at her weirdly...again.

 

Schmexy arrives and tries to arrest him for drunk driving while standing up sober. But the dad escapes and takes off in the truck, telling Owen to buckle up.

Emma and Neil search for Henry. David suggests they check out the mines. Some of the dynamite that the dwarfs never use (they always have pick axes) is missing.

For reasons that will never be explained, everyone rightly assumes Henry is going to blow something up.

Neil throws a worried look at Emma, “It's obvious,” he says, “Henry wants to get rid of the magic.”

Henry runs through the forest and ends up tackling Greg.

Hmm. There he is again. *cough* Owen *cough*

Greg calls Regina because its perfectly logical that he would have the Mayor's number on speed dial. He tells her Henry is all alone in the forest.

Owen and his dad try to escape Storybrooke, but Regina and Schmexy chase them down in the police cruiser.

Personally, I'd be in the backseat with him.

Schmexy cuts them off at the town limits. The dad pushes Owen out of the truck, screaming for him to run away. He gives him a leather key chain and tells him that as long as he has this, he'll always be with him, or something like that. Then he screams, “Run. Run. Run.”

The dad is thrown into the back of the cruiser. Regina catches up with Owen and tries to play nice, “I'm sorry. I just wanted us to be happy.”

Run, Owen, run!
 

 

 

Henry has a bundle of dynamite and is ready to through it down the well that also happens to be a porthole...sometimes. Regina finds him and they have a talk about fake love and revenge. “You'll see,” she promises, “we can be happy. We can have everything.”

But Henry shakes his head, “Not like this.”

Emma, Neil, and David show up and Regina gets ready with her fists of fire. Henry steps in the middle or their battle and says, “Magic makes good people do terrible things.”

That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard this season! Hasn't anyone heard of Harry Potter?

Henry pleads with Regina...again. She gives in...again, and burns Cora's spell. Satisfied he's saved the day...again, Henry thanks her, then runs to Emma's arms and walks away with the others, leaving Regina standing all by herself...again

This is just how episode 9, The Queen of Hearts ended.

When Owen takes the State Trooper back to to town limits, there is no Storybrooke sign. The Trooper tells him no town exists there. Owen holds the leather key chain aloft and vows to never stop looking for his dad. 

Mary Margaret decides to pay a visit to Regina and asks her to end it all, meaning for Regina to kill her. Regina performs the magical heart-ectomy and sees the dark spot inside Mary Margaret's heart. Instead of crushing it, she decides to let the hate grow in Mary Margaret's heart until is consumes her. She thrusts it back into her chest and prepares to wait for the royal family to crumble from inside.

From the picket fence, Greg videos it all on his phone. He runs to his car and fingers his old key chain. “I'll keep looking for you dad,” he says.

Hey, it's Owen! Shocking. Took him long enough to come back.

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

1. Schmexy
2. Schmexy
3. Schmexy

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

1. Mary Margaret only had one outfit to show off.
2. Why pick axe wielding dwarfs who are in love with magical fairies have to use dynamite.
3. Owen's dad's hair.