Tuesday, 19 June 2012

The Bachelorette, Episode 6, "Kissing, Crying and Candles"

Next stop on the love train is *whoo-hoo* Dubrovnik, Croatia.

Emily picks Mother Goose (Travis) to go on a solo date. So much for my theory about him being her cousin. They bum around Dubrovnik and end the date having a private dinner surrounded by candles.

Who will get a rose? Who cares?
photo credit, museumofplay.org
Have you noticed how many frickin' candles they use for this show? It's like they're expecting someone to whip out a Ouija Board. Did you know the heart shaped thing you put your hands on is called a planchette?

Travis confesses he's totally in love with Emily and hasn't felt like this since he broke up with his fiance. Emily says she feels they have a good foundation for friendship—but not romance. Travis moves to the kiss and cry interview area. *Honk* I'm still amazed how much these guys breakdown.

Dear Fellas,

Yes, rejection is hard, but give your head a shake, you're in a contest for a girl you met only two weeks ago. Move on.


Your Aunt Bethany

Emily takes all the guys, except Ryan, on a group date...to the animated Disney movie, BRAVE. Emily talks about the similarities between herself and Merida, the female protagonist. Um...yeah. The most entertaining part of this episode were the movie clips. So, I'm grateful for that.

Emily dresses the boys in kilts like they're big Ken dolls. This is followed by a five minute montage of the guys walking down cobblestone streets. Emily comments how hot Sean looks.

Sean, not exactly as shown
photo credit, theretroknittingcompany.co.uk

We soon learn they are going to be competing in a mock Highland Games. This makes complete sense since Croatia is full of Scotts. What's the Gaelic phrase for totally stupid?

I won't bore you with the details, but Chris—even with his freaky wolf eyes—loses every event. However, this was brilliant strategy as Emily gives him a shiny mug for being such a good sport. Emily says being brave means doing your own thing no matter what everybody else thinks. She also thinks Sean is the hottest. And that my friends, gets you a rose each time.

The evening portion of the competition involves drinks, candles and some cuddle time. She tells Sean not to worry and to keep up his confidence...even when things get harder. *giggles*

She takes Arie on a stroll as they discuss how much they like spending time together. The soft guitars begin to play in the background and Arie leans her up against a stone wall and proves why he's a race car driver—he rides the curves like a champ. He later says that he feels so much better after their talk. I bet he does. *rolls eyes*

Jef with one 'J', talks about how it's so much easier to be with Emily now that he's made it to first base with her. Seriously, I'm not making this up. There's more cuddling and talk about how much they like each other. This is followed by some open mouthed kissing.

I miss the clips from Brave.

Emily moves on to Chris. He doesn't get the chance to make out with her like Arie did, but he gets the rose...so, yeah...I guess that counts for something. *shrugs*

Ryan does his pre-date primping for his solo date as the other guys roll their eyes. Emily takes him on a fishing trawler to harvest oysters. I love oysters. The trick is to NOT chew. A splash of Tabasco sauce is nice as well. Also, smoked oysters are delicious. Did you know a natural salt water pearl is formed when a foreign substance (parasite/grain of sand) invades the shell of the mollusk? In response to the irritation, epithelial cells form into a sac (known as a pearl sac) which secretes a crystalline substance called nacre, which builds up in layers around the irritant, forming the pearl.

I was thinking about how beautiful nature is when I was interrupted by Ryan's neon turquoise shoes. They finish the date with a private dinner by candle light—lots of candle light. *puts hands on planchette* Is there anyone there?

Ryan whips out a list he made for Emily that includes all the things he's looking for in a wife.

Dear Ryan,

What exactly does 'sexy personality' mean?


Your Aunt Bethany

Oh that, Ryan. He makes me laugh—he's so clueless! Emily picks up the rose and I don't think we need to ask the Spirits to know how this one turns out. Emily tells him he's too concerned with perfection and she's all about the love. Ryan is shocked and begins to sniff through his tears, trying to convince her to change her mind. I worry he's going to make another list.

Psst, Ryan. It's time for you to go. *calls security* Instead of crying, Ryan spends the cab ride to the nearest airport, giving us a five minute monologue on why he ISN'T a loser.

Arie gives Emily a surprise visit in her luxury rental because he's totally there for her. You see, good boyfriends will always show up to make out with their girlfriends after they dump another guy. They cuddle in her bed and discuss how hard the date must have been for her and...—whoa! Tongue action. Camera guy, zoom out! Zoom out!

The rose ceremony begins with the guys discussing their strategy. Huh? Emily encourages SDD (Single Dad Doug) not to be shy and that she's just a girl who wants to be pursued. Again, I did not make this up. She actually said that.

photo credit, psychologytoday.com
Emily starts her speech about how awesome each one of them are. And they stand like statues blinking back at her like Charlie Brown.

*Lights candles gets out Ouija Board* Is there anyone there?
*Planchette moves to yes* Which bachelor will go home tonight?

Emily cries invisible tears and leaves the room, still clutching the rose.
*Planchette quickly spells out, 'Scripted drama'*

The spirits are upset! She returns without any rose, then The Host arrives from behind the curtain with two roses. Aw, shucks. And everyone gets to stay. *rolls eyes*

When will the fun ever end? Do you think the ending was rigged by the producers?

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