The Bachelorette Season 8, episode 5 "London Is So Cool."

Smurfette and the gang head for London, England—and of course Ricki does too. This is the best way to get a free family vacation isn't it?

photo credit, cueentertainment.com

The ten hopeful smurfs show up in Trafalgar Square and the Host reminds them that only one of them will end up being Emily's husband. Duh! Although considering the shows track record, we know that's not exactly written in stone.

Sean gets to go on a one-on-one date with Emily. She says she's super stoked to be spending the day with Sean because he's so cute AND sweet. As they ride on a double decker bus, Sean points to a buildings and says, “Cool.” Emily tells him the cool building is Westminster Abbey. He continues to say, 'cool' about landmarks that even my eight-year-old son would recognize.

They take pictures of themselves kissing in front of other 'cool' buildings. After a picnic in the park they stumble into a 'speakers corner'. Sean manages to get up on a crate and orates about true love.

When asked, most people will say that public speaking is their greatest fear. So, well done, Sean.

Holy crap are they having dinner at the Tower of London!? Without any line ups!? Seriously, this show is the best way to do London. Emily's voice is sounding all 1-900ish. I think she's getting a cold. That means at least a few guys will also have the sniffles in a few days. Over supper Emily gives Sean a history lesson about Henry VIII having eight wives and that he beheaded two of them. It looked like Sean's own head was going to explode with all the history and math combined.

Back at the house the boys learn they are going on a group date. Kalon is super pissy and it's so hilarious. I vote him for the next Bachelor because that would be epic!

Sean and Emily talk about how many kids they would like to have. I'm guessing he gets a rose. Yup. And they make out with Tower Bridge in the background.

What is with these two posing like a Harlequin cover?

Emily's London Vacation
photo credit, BarnesandNoble.com

The group date consists of the boys acting out scenes from Romeo and Juliet. Secretly it's all about which guy doesn't mind being made fun of. However, Kalon didn't get that memo and tackles the part like it's Oscar time. Each of the guys declare they are willing to do anything for Emily.

Hmm...you mean like take a free vacation to London? Yeah, real tough, guys. What about having to slay a dragon?!? I miss Once Upon A Time.

Travis, Mother Goose *honk* is the biggest goofball. That's because he has nothing to lose. *cough* mole *cough*

Kalon feels the pressure of needing to be the best actor so he can get a rose. With that in mind he shoos Emily away as he and Ryan rehearse. Note to Kalon—Emily likes to be the center of attention, not being told to leave the area.

Kalon is up first in the balcony scene. And even this soundtrack can't give him any groove. The guys do various lines from the play and I'm not sure what happened because I fell asleep. When I wake up, Ryan is leaning over Emily in the death scene and he kisses her. And kisses her. And kisses her. Like with moving lips and everything.

Of course everyone knows the test for true love is to make-out in front of the other guys you may want to marry.

The second part of the date starts with everyone enjoying a pint and then one by one they have a little alone time with Emily. I hope Emily knows it's not good to mix cold medication with alcohol. After she kisses Arie, she meets with Ryan and he gives her a necklace...a really little necklace. Doesn't he know size matters?

The scene that ABC has been teasing us with for the last two weeks AND at every commercial break tonight finally happens. Kalon refers to Ricki as baggage and the other guys practically dance on the spot, secretly gleeful that Mr. Hot Shot is on the hot seat.

SDD (Single Dad Doug) tells Emily and she calls out Kalon in front of the other smurfs. Anyone who refers to Ricki as baggage doesn't deserve to have a free trip to London. How does a debutante say the 'f' word? In a bedazzled mini-dress and leather jacket, that's how! Kalon exits stage right...for good.

No one messes with Emily!
photo credit, ugo.com

Emily ends the evening by wondering why none of these possible future husbands didn't go all Spartacus and whip the snot out of Kalon.

Emily and Ricki talk in their luxury hotel room. Ricki says her favorite thing about London is Buckingham Palace where the King and the dragon live. She and Sean have a lot in common.

Jef, yes that's with only one 'f', is granted a solo date of afternoon tea. They get an etiquette lesson from an English lady who makes Kalon look like Mr. Cozy. They ditch the fancy sandwiches and opt for fish and chips at a local pub. Jef tells her that if Ricki is baggage then she's a Chloe handbag. I can tell he Googled that. Whatever, Jef's still not making it to the final.

They have champagne and parfaits at their own table in the London Eye. Again...what a great way to get a free vacation! Emily says she's tired of always being the single girl. A single girl who has a walk-in closet, awesome wardrobe, financially set, gets free vacations, gorgeous, has everyone in love with her, always the center of attention...etc.

Jef gets another rose and they walk along the Thames. With Big Ben in the background Jef and Emily kiss and get their own book cover moment.

During the cocktail party before the rose ceremony Emily brings Kalon up with each guy and lets them know she needs a hero.

She's holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night

He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
*backup singers sing do-do-do*

Meanwhile, Ryan exhausts our patience with his acting, however his thespian scarf works and he gets some kissing time at the top of the stairs.

Sean tells Emily he would have thrown Kalon out on his ass, they kiss and Emily tells us she feels butterflies in her heart—sounds like atrial fibrillation to me.

The Host does the math for us, seven smurfs-six roses=one cab ride to Heathrow. Emily gives out five roses then pauses...Sweet Joe Jezzer! The Host comes out from behind the curtain and announces there is only one rose left. And of course it's for Arie. Alejandro goes home, fighting the tears.

But not Mother Goose *honk*! That's right. It's waaaay too early for the mole to go home.

Who do you think is next? And where will the test for true love take Ricki and her mom next week?

Cheers!