The Bachelor, Season 17, Episode 9, "Bugs, Bikinis, and Bye, Byes"

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Sean takes AshLee, Catherine and Lindsay to Thailand for the overnight dates.

He says, “It's amazing to think these are my last three girls.”

Unless he signs up for the show again.

I fast forward through the next thirteen minutes of footage from previous episodes where Sean does a voice over about the girls as having the potential to be his next wife.

Lindsay is the first to arrive. There's a lot of giggling and loud smacking kissing. Sean takes her to a market where they look at neon dyed chicks.

She giggles, “This will be just like when we go grocery shopping.”

A-huh.

Sean makes her eat a slug.

She tells the camera, “I considered not eating the bug, but once I saw how brave Sean was, I had to do it for him.”

This is me.
 

They sit on the beach and reminisce about how much her family loves him. Sean smiles back and nods.

Lindsay tells us, “Last week I told Sean I was falling in love with him, and this week I definitely am.”

Good to know you're consistent.

“But I haven't told him that I AM in love with him because I'm afraid of getting hurt.”

*reaches for Tylenol*

They have supper in front of lit up neon floats. She says, “This night can't get more romantic.”

Or cheesy.

When Sean asks her IF they get engaged would she move to Dallas.

Lindsay replies tearfully, “I have everything totally open.”

*Refrains from obvious joke*

Then Lindsay does a painful monologue trying to build up the courage to tell him the 'L' word. But just as she's about to spill the beans, dancers show up as the entertainment.

She says, “I feel like I'm in a movie.”

Nope. TV show.

Sean gives her an envelope with a key to spend the night together in the fantasy suite. She grabs Sean and runs down the path to the hotel.

Guess what kind of movie you're in now, Lindsay?

Oh dear Lord! They lounge on a bed and drink. Lindsay does another painful monologue, pauses, leans in closer, pauses...then finally she tells Sean she loves him.

And this is his super romantic reply, “I love hearing you say that.”

One down and two to go, eh, Sean?

AshLee arrives and begins to ooze her adoration for Sean. He takes her cave diving because he wants to force her to trust him into not letting her drown.

AshLee is obviously worried when Sean takes them into the pitch black cave and he gets them lost.

I hope the camera man has a map.

She says, “As much as I'm terrified, I'm willing to do this for Sean.”

 

 

Finally they make it through to the other side, and there's a private beach waiting for them. They make out because no one died. 

Now it's time for their supper ie: large glasses of wine, and Sean's envelope offering. He tells her, “I know you love the qualities that I possess and how those are the qualities you need. I love that feeling.”

Oh, you mean how everyone loves you? Gee, that's big of you.

When Sean offers AshLee the envelope, she pauses. He senses her hesitation and he spells out that there will be no special naked hugs but only a time for both of them to T.A.L.K.

She tells us, “I will do everything in my power to make sure this man is happy.”

Really? Even eat bugs?

Catherine arrives and Sean is all huggy-kissy-poo as if he hasn't been making out the past two nights. He takes her on a boat where there is drinking and snuggling.

He tells her, “I love your weirdness.”

And her mouth, apparently.

They talk about the awkward family visit from last week, but she lets him know she'd move to Dallas speedy quick.

He takes her snorkeling and they make out.

What? No bugs or blind spelunking?

Catherine tells Sean over a supper of drinks, “I didn't want to spend the night in the fantasy suite because I want to be seen as a lady. But now I realize it's not about that.”

That's right, girl! It's about getting that rose!

They spend the night in the pool and make out some more. Whatever.

Sean sits down with the Host to fill air time discuss who he'll be sending home.

“It kills me inside to send her home. She's so full of love. It almost breaks my heart.”

Did you hear that? It ALMOST breaks his heart.
 

I fast forward through the footage of Sean looking pensive at the horizon.

It's time for the rose ceremony. There are only two roses. Sean seems to be struggling...Lindsay lets out a breath and curses because the pressure of having someone give you a rose who may or may not propose to you in the future is scarier than eating bugs.

He gives Lindsay the first rose.

 

And the second rose goes to...(there is a thirty second footage of no one speaking and alternating close-ups of Sean, then Catherine, then AshLee, then back to Sean...).

 

Oh the tension! 

 

Catherine finally gets the last rose.

AshLee walks away stone faced as Sean runs after her, saying how super awesome she is.

But as bad as she feels, I feel worse. I thought this was the last episode. Dear Lord, there are two next week!

*Reaches for Tylenol*