The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 5 "Montana is Tierrable"

The girls are super excited when the host tells them their world wind tour of love with Sean is finally beginning!

Where are they going? Paris? Venice? Shanghai?

Nope. Montana.

Still, the girls clap and cheer like it's the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right.

Sean flies over Montana and says, “I can't wait for the women to get here.”

Said every guy, in every bar, everywhere.

Lindsay is picked for the one on one date.

Sean takes Lindsay outside where a helicopter is waiting for them.

Lindsay says, “Is that a helicopter?”

Lindsay is a teacher—in case you've forgotten.

playmobil.com

 

They take a tour of Glacier National Park. They land and have a private picnic. There's no food, of course, but lots of booze. A lone guitar player begins in the background when they start to make out.

Lindsay tells us, “I'm feeling so blessed, we can't stop kissing each other.”

Sean says, “I want to see if I can go deeper with Lindsay tonight.”

Gracious.

Lindsay opens up about her upbringing as an army brat.

This works for Sean and more kissing happens, he also gives her the rose. Then he takes her outside for a private concert where they dance on a platform, surrounded by the towns people who may have been promised gift bags if they showed up.

I fast forwarded until the next commercial break.

Sean takes the girls on a group date. They show up with loads of lips gloss and big hair. They have to go through a bizarre wilderness obstacle course to earn more time with Sean.

This may shock you, but none of the girls know how to paddle.

I'm not sure what's going through Sean's mind as he watches the girls milk the goat. The losing team is carted away as Sean celebrates a champagne toast with the winners.

Sean is majorly bummed that the girls had to leave, so he bends the rules and invites all the ladies for good, happy, special times.

They frantically change out of their drinking pyjamas into their drinking dress up clothes.

When Desiree finds out she chugged goat's milk for no reason, she gets all misty eyed.

Daniella says, “This is not a competition. This is about him finding his wife.”

Oh, Daniella. You say the funniest things.

Tierra isn't happy that she's missing all the good, happy, special times. She puts on her boots that were made for walking, and started hunting the city for Sean. She even puts on a plaid shirt one of the girls from the blue team left behind.

Tierra tells him, “I need to see the guy I'm dating. I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you.”

Um...you and Daniella know you're on a show, right?

Sean says, “I don't know what to make out of Tierra, but I have eight other girls to spend time with.”

 

All the girls tell Sean they just adore him, and they want more one on one with him...blah...blah...blah...

*cue the lone guitar player as the making out continues*

Daniella starts to cry when she sees Sean happily making out with another girl who isn't her.

When she finally sees Sean for her one on one time, she starts to cry.

Paging Dr. Daniels...Dr. Jack Daniels.

Sean gives her some tongue therapy and she's all better.

Gag. Barf. Gross.

But all that crazy emotional crap works and she gets the rose.

Tierra and Jackie prepare to go on a two on one date with Sean. This means only one girl will stay. There's so much animal print and bangles going on it's like a blast from the 80's.

Jackie uses her one on one time with Sean to bad mouth Tierra. All three have a relaxing dinner as Sean squirms while the girls throw dagger eyeballs at each other. Again, NO ONE EATS.

Tierra says to Sean, “I'm scared because I have the biggest heart.”

Sean gives the rose to Tierra, and the producers cheer in the back room. Jackie cries in the back of the limo as Tierra snuggles close to Sean as fireworks go off above them.
 

It's time for the rose ceremony/cocktail party.

Desiree tells him, “I don't know what you're giving other girls.”

Hint, it's the tongue.

Tierra says, “I want to punch all those girls in the face.”

Desiree says, “I don't know what's going on in her head.”

Careful what you wish for...

A few of the girls confront Tierra. I fast forward because chicks high on vodka in a contest for a guy they only met three weeks ago make no sense.

Meanwhile, Sean wanders the chalet, looking for a woman who isn't fighting to make out with. He takes Tierra aside.

She says, “It's frustrating for me because I am such a nice girl, but nobody likes me.”

Sean is antsy because he hasn't had a lot of opportunity to make out with everyone.

Sean talks to the Host about how his needs haven't been met with all the Tierra drama.

Robin didn't get a rose. She stayed strong in the limo, but then she did the 'face cover sob'.

Here's the worst part though, there's another episode tomorrow night.

*Dies inside*