|Emily hoping to find true love, not exactly as shown.|
photo credit, usatoday.com
ABC spares no expense and flies Emily to Watamula, Curacao. It's a hot place with plenty of beaches so the producers made sure she packed only bikinis.
Wasn't there something about staying close to Charlotte because of Ricki?
ABC treats us to a film montage of the last three guys with Emily's voice in the background.
“Sean is the only who hasn't told me he loves me yet, and as a girl I need to get my head around that.”
He knows if he makes it to the end he has to propose right?
“Jef is the kind of guy that makes going to the grocery store exciting.”
Not only can he burp the whole alphabet, I bet he knows the jingles to Cocoa Puffs and Count Chocula, too.
“I call Arie, sweet Arie. And when I imagine a life with him, I know he would adore me forever.”
Or at least until the Botox wears off.
“After everything I've been through, it's made me look at love in a more realistic way.”
Oh yeah, this show has realism all over it. That's why they call it reality TV because it's so real. I mean it's lousy with reality. Haven't we all shared Emily's experience of jet setting around the globe while dozens of guys fight for our attention?
“I'm at a point where I just need to clear my mind and come to a decision.”
And everyone knows the best way to clear your head is to make out with three fellas.
Sean gets the first date on the island. He sees Emily waiting for him on the beach. “This place called paradise is super romantic,” he says.
Wow, not just romantic, but super romantic. This must be where the Avengers vacation.
|The Avengers racing for the best spot on the beach.|
photo credit, abduzeedoo.com
The sun beats down and there is no shade. These two are so fair skinned I'm worried they're going to spontaneously combust. SUNSCREEN ALERT!
Sean talks about how how he doesn't have any doubts about their relationship. We all lean forward waiting for him to say those three words Emily's been dying to hear. He takes a deep breath and says, “I forgot what I was going to say.” Emily's shoulders slump and I have to say, I'm disappointed too, I was hoping for better jewelry this episode.
Emily, open your eyes. He's showing you, not telling you. For the love of Pete woman, let it go. Oh, never mind, he just spilled the beans.
Now Emily has all three guys officially in love with her. She gives him the golden key to her fantasy suite.
*cue the hot tub and gratuitous bikini scene*
Emily says, “Sean is so hot and so manly. Every fibre in my body is telling me to let him stay tonight. But every fibre in my head is telling me to take it slow.”
And every fibre in your cereal is a good way to start your morning.
Sean gives Emily a good night kiss and says there is no doubt that they're getting married.
Jef arrives the next day and Emily takes him for a sail. They talk about his parents (suspiciously missing from last week's episode) and having kids. They confirm over a tray of pineapple kabobs that they 'get each other.'
They spend the rest of the day jumping into the water...like a hundred times. The underwater camera man takes many shots of Emily's bikini.
Jef says, “I now realize what spending time with someone you love means.”
Apparently it's about making sure you get your turn before she goes to the next guy.
Jef and Emily have a question and answer session during dinner. He asks why she isn't with anyone because she's so awesome and would attract awesome guys.
Yes, thank you! That was my question the very first episode.
She says, “There has to be that unspoken...I don't know. Something's always been missing.”
Like a noun maybe?
Emily's big blue ring looks like it could open up and have soft perfume that AVON use to sell. Remember those? They were so cool.
Then Jef says, “There's a time and place for everything, and now is the time to bridle our passions.”
Jef, stop reading the back of Harlequin books.
Arie arrives the next morning and they're making out before the boat clears the shoal.
Emily tells us, “It's hard to talk because we always want to kiss each other.”
I cry for the amazing and witty chit chat that we'll never get to hear.
Arie and Emily spend the day swimming with dolphins, then have a private dinner that no one eats. Have you noticed that? But they're always drinking...
Arie is surprised to discover Emily gets up way before 6:30 in the morning. I'm sure makeup and hair have something to do with that. Emily tells him she would move to Arizona if they were to get married...you know, if it was the best for Ricki and everything.
All she wants for Ricki is to have a father figure to love her like a real dad. Arie says he wants to be Ricki's friend first and let the relationship build from there.
Hmm, a different approach from Sean, let's see how that plays out.
Emily says that as a role model she can't give Arie the fantasy suite key because she doesn't trust her inner fibres. In fact it makes her cry that she can't have him.
|Emily arrives, not exactly as shown.|
photo credit, frankensteinandmyrhh.wordpress.com
They continue to talk for the next ten minutes but there's nothing to blog about. *drums fingers on keyboard*
She finally says, “I try to put myself in each of the guys' positions in the best way I can.”
Emily watches video messages the guys have taped for her, while they line up for the rose ceremony. I wonder if Jef and Sean will mention the fantasy key to Arie? How pissed would he be?!
The Rose Ceremony finally starts. Emily is so sad, she's crying dry tears.
Hold on. I have a solution. A new reality show called "Big Bachelorette Love". It would be like a polygamy Mormon dating show. No need to only pick one guy. Take them all.
Jef gets the first rose and he blushes. The second rose goes to...Arie.
Sean is now emotionally crippled beyond repair. He will never date again. Emily was the only girl who made him want to say the “L” word.
He says to Emily, “I think you should know this is going to hurt me.”
No kidding. Chin up though, pal. I here the Monks are always looking for new recruits.
You're a gorgeous, blond-blue eyed male in America with rich blond parents, plus there's the pool in the backyard. Your life isn't that tough.
Your Aunt Bethany
The episode ends with Emily crying her dry tears.