Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 9 “Queen of Hearts”

Or better title, "Logical Headache"

Belle isn't impressed with her rescuer.
hypable.com

Inside the castle of the Evil Queen, a hooded figure walks up the steps with a meal for the prisoner, but he's stopped by the guards. A wild sword fight breaks out and is over two seconds later. Captain Sexy Eyes throws off the cloak and bursts into the cell. He frees Belle from her shackles with his hook. But he's only there to get information about Rumpelstiltskin and how to defeat him. When he realizes Belle is still loyal to Rumpelstiltskin, he knocks her out.

Harsh much?

onceuponatime.wikia.com

The Evil Queen comes in looking like a cross between Grace Jones and Prince. She tells him about her plan to take everyone to a land without magic. When Captain Sexy Eyes gives her a shrug, she entices him with an image of his hook slicing through a powerless Rumpelstiltskin. In return, she wants him to make sure that one person doesn't follow them...Cora.

Grace Jones

Prince

 

The Mayor and Mr. Gold pace the floor while David remains in his magical coma in the back of the shop. Mr. Gold plays devil's advocate and tells the Mayor they should destroy the portal since Cora is so super bad and amazingly evil that there's no way Mary Margaret and Emma can defeat her. Plus, if they somehow DO manage to beat Cora to the portal, would it be so bad for the Mayor if Henry only had her left?

He's slick that Mr. Gold. How can the Mayor resist his logic?

Mary Margaret, Emma, Mulan, and the heartless Aurora, go to Rumpelstiltskin's cell, in search of the bottle of powerful squid ink. All they find within the cavern's cracks is a scroll with Emma's name written over and over.

Jinkies! A clue!
fanpop.com

Henry reads his only book to a sleeping David. The Mayor walks in and gives an Oscar worthy performance telling him that she and Mr. Gold are going to prepare the portal for Mary Margaret and Emma's arrival.

And by prepare the portal, she means destroy it.

She and Mr. Gold enter the mine and find all the diamonds the dwarfs just leave unguarded for anyone to take.

That makes perfect sense to me. Definitely no loop holes with that logic.

Mr. Gold takes out a wand and casually mentions a dead fairy and fills it up with the magic from the diamonds.

Remember the Cinderella episode when he killed the fairy godmother? 

The Evil Queen hexes Captain Sexy Eyes' hook so that he can remove a heart and enchant it at the same time. However, he can only do it once.

Let's file that bit of info for a later episode.

She shows Captain Sexy Eyes, Jefferson's hat and tells him he has to enter the land where her mother has been banished.

Guess who's going to Wonderland? I believe this is time to do some gloating. Click here.

Why the ear thing, anyway?
disneywikia.com

Captain Sexy Eyes arrives in Wonderland under the watchful gaze of masked courtiers and pays respect to the 'elephant-thing' that is Cora.

Thank you! *bows*

He thrusts his hook into her chest but she only laughs.

She has no heart, dumb-dumb! She's hiding it somewhere special. Hmm...like maybe in a chest in the bottom of the sea? *Cough* Davy Jones Locker *cough*

Where is her heart? Ask this dude.
rapgenius.com

Cora turns the tables and grips his cardiac muscle. Gasping, he confesses the Evil Queen was the one who ordered her death.

Emma stares at the scroll with her name as the others keep searching the cell. Mulan finds an empty ink bottle. Just when things can't get any worse, Cora and Captain Sexy Eyes arrive and close the bars, trapping the girls in the cell. Aurora grabs the compass from Emma and tosses it to Cora's waiting hand. The others are baffled until Cora gives Aurora's heart a good squeeze.

Emma tries to make a deal with Captain Sexy Eyes, but he only teases her by dangling his dried bean in her face. Sorry, I mean the last magic bean taken from the giant, which I'm assuming he'll rehydrate or something.

No matter, the chicks are totally screwed by the end of this scene.

Grumpy and Ruby discover that all the magic diamonds are gone. They alert Henry since he's the logical choice, being the only nearby ten year old who is busy reading to his comatose grandfather.

Henry is so upset that the Mayor has lied to him about trying to be good that he ALMOST slams the book shut, gosh darn it!

Emma tries to break through the bars but it's useless, so is the whining as everyone tries to take blame for the mess they're in. Emma, in particular, complains about not fulfilling her end of the prophecy. Mary Margaret will have none of it, and leads the gang in a cheer about good versus evil.

I wonder when they'll realize the magic ink is already written on the scroll. Oops, that would be logical. Better let things evolve at their own pace.

Cora and Captain Sexy Eyes head to the magical lake that restores what was once lost.

Thank God, because this plot needs to find some logic.

No worries when you've got magic.
ctv.ca

Cora doesn't even raise an eyebrow at the dried up desert. She merely raises her hand and a geyser erupts—and by the looks of those awesome special effects, the magical lake will soon be full.

Back in time in Wonderland, Cora let's Captain Sexy Eyes live. She convinces him that she's the only one who can help him kill Rumpelstiltskin. In return, he promises to get her close to the Evil Queen to rip out her daughter's heart.

Captain Sexy Eyes shows the Evil Queen Cora's body, just like he promised. She leans over the coffin and...holy spray tan!

She's supposed to be dead, not on an outlet shopping spree bus tour.

The Evil Queen weeps and apologizes to her mother. She says love is her weakness, and that she had to kill her because her love for her is too great. 

And that, of course, logically speaking, would make Cora her greatest threat...you know, because she loves her so much.

*Brain explodes*

Let's not forget this is the girl who ripped out her father's heart to complete the curse.

It's not eyeliner, it's face paint for guys.
hypable.com

Cora slips out of the coffin and explains to Captain Sexy Eyes that she no longer plans on killing her daughter. Since she still has a place in her heart, she's ready to do a little waiting. They stand on an island in their little corner of fairy tale land, protected from the curse that sends everyone else to Storybrooke.

They discuss how they'll spend the next twenty-eight years while they wait for the Savior and blah, blah, blah...and then their quest will resume. Cora knows that Regina will lose everything, and that's the time when she'll need Mommy Dearest the most.

Mr. Gold and the Mayor walk through the forest and stop at the well.

Mary Margaret finally makes the connection that the squid ink is on the scroll. She blows over the paper (just like she used to spy Regina doing) and the magic cloud opens the cell. Aurora asks Mulan to tie her up because she can't be trusted.

Whoa, things just got kinky.

Cora and Captain Sexy Eyes stand at the edge of the magical lake that Cora magically made. He sprinkles in the ashes from the magical wardrobe, and a magical whirlpool appears...as if by magic or something.

Mr. Gold uses the fairy Godmother's wand and summons a dark cloud. A bolt of lightning pierces the well. He tells the Mayor (and us), that no one, not even super smart and magical Cora, can survive coming through that web of electricity.

Cora hands Captain Sexy Eyes the compass, but an arrow slices through the air, knocking it out of his hand. Emma and Captain Sexy Eyes do a little sword fighting while Mulan and Mary Margaret deflect Cora's fireballs. She vaporizes into thin air, leaving the bag that holds Aurora's enchanted heart falling into the whirlpool.

Captain Sexy Eyes reaches out and snags the bag. Mulan manages to grab it from him. He and Emma roll around on the beach as they continue to dual. He ends up straddling her, and says, “When I jab you with my sword, you'll feel it.”

Dear ABC,

Seriously? No really...seriously?

Emma has an amazing stroke of luck and realizes she's lying on top of the compass. She distracts Captain Sexy Eyes long enough to push him off and give him the face punch the writers deserved for that last line.

*Cough* 50 Shades of Grey *cough*

Ruby and Henry arrive at the well to confront the evil doers. Mr. Gold responds by throwing Ruby across the woods, knocking her unconscious. He turns to Henry and calmly explains that Cora will kill them all if she gets through the portal.

Can't Henry see the logic?

Emma and Mary Margaret battle a newly re-appeared Cora. Cora is ready to take Mary Margaret's heart but Emma, that silly klutz, does it again and jumps in, making Cora's fist go through her own chest. But Cora can't take out her heart! Why???

Well, in Whoville they say, her heart was too good, and too full of love. Plus her blond hair totally kicked the evil Barbara Hershey with her Botox and fillers.

*cough* Harry Potter *cough*

Dear ABC,

If the key to deafeating Cora was finding the ink, why would Mary Margaret waste all of it opening the door of the cell? Shouldn't someone have yelled out, "Hey, don't use all the powerful ink! That's the only thing that will help us defeat Cora!" 

Mary Margaret and Emma hold the compass between their hands and jump into the magical whirlpool.

Their only hope is that they pronounce Diagon Alley, correctly.

Don't think too hard, just trust my logic.
wikia.com

The Mayor and Henry battle scruples. Henry reminds her that she's supposed to be good, and that she needs to have faith and blah, blah, blah. The Mayor can't take any more of his logic. She puts her hands over the well and sucks up the electricity...or something logical like that.

Emma and Mary Margaret climb out of the well and they have a tearful reunion. Mr. Gold limps off before Ruby wakes up. Henry says the Mayor saved the day.

Hooray! Wait, what? Boo! Booooooring. I want the old evil one back.

Mary Margaret hurries to Mr. Gold's shop and lays a big wet one on David. The dwarfs gather around to watch. David wakes up, and they make out even more.

Mr. Gold puts the fairy Godmother's wand away...right beside a golden ball. Emma confronts Mr. Gold about creating the curse and making her the savior. He says he had no part in creating her, she's the product of true love.

*barf*

Mulan holds the enchanted heart and presses it into Aurora's chest.

Gee, I hope it's the right heart.

Aurora excitedly tells Mulan her new plan to get Prince Phillip's soul back from the demon (Dementor knock off) and reunite it with his body. Mulan is super keen on this plan since she had the hots for Phillip as well.

Cora has a heart on for Hook's magic bean.
tvfanatic.com

Captain Sexy Eyes stands by the magical lake and shows Cora his dried up bean. He dangles it right in front of her face! She looks unimpressed until he suggests they do a little gardening with the magical waters.

Henry hugs the Mayor and says he's happy she's really changed.

And guess where they're going to celebrate? Yup, the pub/diner/laundromat. And guess who's not invited? Yup, the Mayor.

It's perfectly logical for Henry to exclude the Mayor from the celebration since she was the one who took away the deadly electrical trap that allowed his mother and grandmother to return safely.

Yup, completely logical.

Mr. Gold puts a little salt in the wound, and I have to say, that's the best way to make the Mayor want revenge.

I guess she's lost everything. Who can help her now?

Oh, look! On the horizon! It's a pirate ship.

Predictions for the next episode

#1. ABC gets sued by that 50 Shades of Grey chick for stealing all her lines.

#2. Captain Sexy Eyes tries to lure a mermaid out of the magical lake with his dangling, dried up bean.

#3. The Mayor starts wearing white and black again because colors just aren't working out for her.

#4. Rapunzel shows up demanding equal representation.

Best Ways To Survive Submission

Okay, just to clarify, this is NOT the kind of submission in Fifty Shades of Grey, but thanks for stopping by the blog anyway.

Submission is when you and your agent agree that your novel is in the best shape possible for editors to brood over its lovely pages. It's also a lot like being at a high school dance wishing the cute guy on the other side of the gym would notice you.



*Giggles*
photo credit, clarification.blogspot.com



At first, it was exciting to have people who are in charge of turning stories into real books, reading MY story.

Then the rejections came. But that was okay, I told myself, it's a subjective business, right?

Then months passed.

Then the calendar year turned.

Um...all right. Let's buckle down and send out another story.

Then more rejections came.

Then more months passed.

See the pattern?

Each path to publication is different. Mine feels like it's uphill and in the dark. And even though I realize my path may not end with a book deal, I keep moving forward—mostly because I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Incredibly, after all this time, whenever the phone rings my first thought is that @rivetingrosie is calling with amazing news!

I still hit emotional potholes of doubt along the way. I've posted about it here, and here. But I've learned a valuable lesson while being on submission these many eons—It doesn't matter if you think you'll never be published or if you're the next J.K. Rowling...rejections still roll in.

And I've discovered it's more fun to dream while I wait.

Here are the top five things that help me survive submission.

1. Instead of waiting for a book deal to celebrate, treat yourself each time you get a rejection. It doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate, just enough to make you smile.

2. When you're reading the latest deals in Publishers Marketplace, remember all of those success stories were years in the making. Did you hear that? YEARS.

3. Keep writing. The best decision I recently made was to enter a short story contest on  @GeekChic42's website. Creating a story with a beginning, middle, and end in less than 1000 words, was an excellent exercise. Also, I discovered I love making book covers and trailers.

4. Step away from the computer. Engage in the life around you. Family and friends are the best balm after a rejection and they're a reminder your happiness shouldn't only be determined by your writing successes.

5. Cupcakes. See number 1.

And here is the bonus.  DREAM BIG!

So hold the shampoo bottle while reciting your Oscar speech for 'Best Screen Play' in the shower. Create a Pinterest board with actors who will star in the movie adaptation of your book. Smile secretly when the guy at Starbucks looks exactly like your MC's love interest. And always, ALWAYS pick up the lucky penny you see on the sidewalk.

Consider New Radicals, "You Get What You Give", substitute 'music' with 'stories' you've got the perfect writer's anthem.

What are some tips that help you through submission?

If you like this, click the Google+1 button below and help share the awesome.

How To Find Love In The Bookstore

 

The self help section, obviously.
photo credit, weheartit.com

Listen up, potential Romeos! 

Some men think the club/dance bar is the best place to find the next potential lover. However, since I haunt the aisles of my local bookstore and the library on a regular basis, I've noticed a lot of flirting going on.

If you're in the mood for love between the covers—see what I did there? Between the covers. It could mean bed sheets or the pages of a book.

*Clears throat* Ahem, sorry.

Anywho, here are the top ten ways to help any guy find love in the bookstore.

1. "I think you dropped this copy of Pride and Prejudice. I know it's not mine, I own the first print edition.

2. "Excuse me, do you know where I can find, Decorating Your Mansion For Dummies?"

3. Don't say anything. Walk around with Fifty Shades of Grey tucked under your arm while making eye contact and biting your lip.

4. "That's quite an impressive stack you've got. Can I help carry your books?"

5. "I wish they sold these bookcases. My library at home already takes up two rooms."

6. "Can you recommend a good read for a newly divorced millionaire?"

7. "Let's get a coffee and talk about how Katniss is way more awesome than Bella."

8. "You're a writer? Just for fun, let's list who you'd want to cast in the movie version."

9. "You know, I feel sad for kids who watch the Harry Potter movies without reading the books."

10. "I'll buy you any book you want, which I promise to also read. Then I'll treat you to a Trenta sized Caramel Macchiato while we discuss the character development in detail."

Which one would work on you?

If you like this click on the Google+ button below and help share the funny.

 

The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 3, “Who's Your Daddy?”



Chris, bobble head or wolf?

Chris is invited to go on the solo date with Emily. He sees the ropes and buckles and gets nervous, but wait it's not 50 Shades of Grey, it's just rock climbing. Chris has great eyes, but they also freak me out a bit. Does anyone else think they look like wolf eyes?

Never mind. Sorry, my mind wanders while these two compete for lamest compliments. He says she looks good in a harness—maybe he has read 50 Shades? Then she comes back with the very witty, “You're so cute.” Like a million times.

After the climb they go to a concert and get to dance on stage. How original. Anyone else noticing a theme?

For the next day, Emily takes a group of guys to the park—but not everyone, right Mr. Hot Shot? Oh, and isn't he just pissy about that!

What begins as touch football turns into Where The Wild Things Are, as kids are unleashed on the unsuspecting guys. After all, you're not just competing for special naked hugs with Emily, you need to be Ricki's new daddy as well.

This makes me wonder what Emily will plan to do with a man in her Pink Palace of Perfection. What about his framed picture of dogs playing poker? And where will they put his baseball trophies from High School? And don't forget about that orange road cone he's converted into a lamp. Something to think about y'all.

Back at the park that sneaky Emily has enlisted her southern sisters to help weed out the losers of this pack. Again, I would have suggested the spinach-in-the-teeth-thing, but these debutantes have another plan. One actually said, “We're here for the right reasons.” Which would be to get themselves on television and talk with guys who normally wouldn't care what they think.

One friend told Emily she thought Sean (the blond insurance guy) was a genetic gift to the world. Whaa??? If he had the cure for cancer encoded into his DNA, then yes, I'd agree with her.

Ryan with the bad hair, is still riding the wave of butterflies since he was Emily's first solo date. He tells her he'd still love her if she was fat.

Hey fellas,

Here's another tip from your Aunt Bethany. Never, ever, ever, say your lady's name and the word fat in the same sentence. Even if NOT is in there, all she'll hear is her name plus 'fat'. Got it? Good. Don't be stupid like Ryan with the bad hair.

Sean and single dad Doug (SDD) are clearly the winners this date, scoring points with both the friends and Emily.

After the guys survive the park date, they lounge in a room full of pillows like a bunch of genies trapped in a bottle. Emily changes into her evening group date make-up and outfit—even Barbie would have closet envy.

Emily takes Sean have some alone time. He brags about his wonderful parents and how they're still in love. Whoa! Red flag! No one wants to talk about their parents going on dates because that means kissing that leads to sex. And parents having sex is totally gross.

Single dad Doug, or SDD (which is different than STD) explains about his life growing up in foster homes. His own dad was also a single father, but one night he died in his sleep. SDD and his sister became orphans and were separated a few times to live with different families. Holy Oliver Twist!

Emily becomes weepy and says his kindness is a testament to his nature, and that despite his childhood, he's a sweet guy who holds no anger or grudges against the unfairness of life. Okay, she didn't quite say it like that, more along the lines of, “Wow, your story makes me realize how blessed I am.”

ABC decides to make this moment completely cheesy by adding sad music.

Tony has an epiphany when he thinks about playing with all the kids today who aren't his son.

*Cue more sad music* Except ABC uses a different melody than SDD's story because that would be in bad taste.

Mr. Hot Shot, not exactly...
photo credit, shopping.com

At the mansion, Arie gets an invite to go on a single date with Emily. Mr. Hot Shot is smiling on the couch while he's burning under the collar. When will it be my turn? For the love of God, I came in on my own helicopter!

Tony tells Emily he's missing his son. She completely sympathizes because of her own daughter. Emily pats him on the shoulder and tells him he's cute. Translation, “You're going soon, so chin up little buddy.”

Emily talks about another awesome day having all the guys ogle her and fight for her attention. Tony, continues to grapple with his decision to stay away from his son. And I can see why he's so torn. On one hand there's his son, asking when he's coming home. On the other hand, he's there for an important reason—to win the chance to have special naked hugs with Emily.

Tony talks with his son on the phone. Every parent knows, kids are terrible over the phone. They either answer every question with, “Uh-huh,” or they talk on and on and on...After the call, Tony continues to cry and monologue in the alley. The producers have now used up all their sad music.

Emily comes outside, and rubs his back some more. She knows what it's like to leave your preschooler in the care of others to compete for a strangers affection. She drops enough hints that Tony is NOT going to get the last rose, and asks him to stop crying and stealing all of her air time. With a wave of her manicured hand, the cab-of-shame pulls up for Tony.

I really feel for Tony. He wants to find love, so I hope there's another contest he can enter.

Emily drops the bombshell to the other guys about releasing Tony, and they frown and nod sympathetically while secretly doing a mental fist pump.

Did anyone else notice that egg guy hasn't made any moves on Emily AND he hasn't done any interviews with a musical background? *cough* mole *cough*

Sean gets the date rose and is safe for the nomination ceremony. Sorry, wrong show, I mean the rose ceremony.

The next day, Emily picks up Aire in her denim shorts and high boots, kinda like Wonder Woman. He's excited to be whisked away on a plane and then taken in a limousine to a secret location....Dollywood. Yup. That one.

It looks like they have the whole place to themselves. Wow! Feel the energetic vibes of the empty park! They play a few games and go on rides. All. By. Themselves. Like, with no one else around, it's a little creepy actually. I'm expecting the Scooby-Doo gang to run around the corner hoping to set a trap for the ghost who haunts the carousel.



Jinkies!
photo credit, tvtropes.com



And because she's Emily, she not only has the park to herself but the real Dolly Parton shows up and sings a song. It must have been a new experience for Emily to dance without a crowd but at least the cameras were there.

Emily loves how Dolly Parton gets to wear great clothes and makeup everyday, and perform for everyone. Hmm...that sounds familiar. Dolly really is sweet though, and they have some good old fashion girl talk as Dolly gives Emily advice on post operative plastic surgery care.

During supper, Aire tells Emily about his ex-girlfriend and her children. He gives her specifics about why they broke up—nice to know he's reading my blog. Emily lurvs specifics. This is the longest Emily has stayed quiet, only because Aire actually has something to say. When he's done, he turns the tables on Emily and asks her about Brad. SNAP! Okay, I love Aire.

They talk about his busy racing schedule and she's cool with that because she has her Pink Palace to keep 'boy smell' free. I'm sure Aire will have a nice room in the garage.

Emily gives the longest rose presentation speech, but she's only teasing him. I knew this because she never once patted his back. Of course she gives him the rose. They go on the haunted carousel and Arie gets to first base...again, and again.

Ricki helps her mom pick out perfume for that night's rose ceremony where Emily will send a guy home who will NOT be Ricki's new daddy. Why do I have the feeling Ricki will be describing this to a psychiatrist one day?

Take me on a date, damn it!
photo credit, n4h.com

Mr. Hot Shot is the first to get some alone time with Emily. Why is he wearing Mr. Magoo's glasses? He starts to talk about how he always envisioned being a father of his own children. Emily jumps in about Ricki, but he smiles and asks her to let him finish. Her face contorts as she tries to smile while biting the inside of her cheek. She no likey being told she rude.

Emily and Mother Goose decide to set the egg free. It splats on the stone pathway and I wonder how long he's been carrying that thing around. Smelly. I pity the crew guy who has to clean up that mess.

Anyone notice how Mother Goose hugged her and it was totally natural, but in a cousin kind of way? AND they share the same accent. Hmm. *cough* mole *cough*

Emily talks with some guy whose name I don't even remember. He can't give any specific answers and trips over his comments. Emily says he should envision her daughter as a bonus. Eww. I didn't make that up, she actually said 'bonus'.

This just turned in to The Price Is Right. Guess who isn't getting a chance at spinning the big wheel for the Showcase Showdown. But, seriously, it was only a matter of time, he was kind of sloppy looking.

Emily deals with the horrible task of throwing out a sloppy bachelor by getting a gin and tonic and making out with Arie for awhile.

Ryan with the bad hair, is shocked. Okay, what part of the show doesn't he understand?

Emily then meets with Sean in another room and he blows his trumpet about being an awesome dad for Ricki because he had an awesome dad.

Sadly, this doesn't work for heart surgeons. That still requires school and skill. For his correct answer Sean is rewarded with some slurpy sexy time in front of the fire.

There are ten roses to be handed out and I'm predicting that after she's given away nine, the Host will

come out and announce there's only one left.

Emily calls out the guy's names in a throaty whisper and has to ask each of them if they're accept the rose. I think it would be hilarious if one of them refused and then did a kind of dance routine you see on the Heineken commercials.

The rose ceremony that probably only takes twenty seconds long is edited to last ten years. Kill me now.

Shocking! Mother Goose got a rose. *Honk* Mole *Honk*

Another shock, the Host peeks his head around the curtain to announce there's only one rose left. Boombox guy is going home. I guess he should have kept up the conflict with Mr. Hot Shot. Conflict sells, man.

Ryan is upset that Emily is having smoochy good times with Aire and not him. He vows to step up his game. Little does he realize Sean is also way ahead.

Is Arie playing Emily? Will Nate ever say anything? Who will be the first to punch Mr. Hot Shot?

The Bachelorette Season 8, Episode 1 "Goosebumps"



Emily Maynard, not exactly as shown.



Twenty-six-year-old blond bombshell, Emily Maynard, tells the story about her fiance dying in a plane crash, then finding out a week later that she was pregnant. With Emily's voice over talking about how Ricki (now six) is her whole life, we're treated to regular everyday scenes of Emily and her cute blond daughter.

You know, stuff like making chocolate chip pancakes on the granite counter top in the immaculate kitchen surrounded by stainless steel appliances. And then leaving their mansion to go driving in the spotless SUV—pretty typical single mom story so far.

But things aren't perfect. Emily says after she puts little Ricki to bed, she gets really lonely. Even a copy of 50 Shades of Grey on the bedside table can't heal her broken heart.

At this point I'm wondering why she hasn't married. She's gorgeous AND rich! Considering America's divorce rate, there must be at least one descent single dad at the PTA meetings.

Oh, wait *holds up hand* never mind...I see.

Emily was on The Bachelor and made it to the final round. The show ended with the guy proposing as she cried. True love on reality TV...what could possibly go wrong?

Apparently dating someone on a show is different than dating in real life. And when you kiss without the cameras in your face, I guess the magic gets lost. Emily and that bachelor didn't get married after all.

But don't worry, Emily decided to get right back on that horse. Literally. She's riding a horse. Holy crap! Does she have stables too?

Quick! Where's the stable boy? There's always a hot stable boy.

Emily says going on The Bachelorette is a big risk because she might get her heart broken again. Really? Here's a list of things I think are a big risk:

Skydiving

Eating at Taco Bell

NOT making a list for Santa

Giving out raisins for Halloween

Going to Wal-Mart after midnight

Wearing white after Labor Day

Emily thinks she'll find her soul mate and a caring father for Ricki. Sure, why not? It worked out so well the last show. *rolls eyes*

And the fellas are already in love!
photo credit, brothersguideforguys.com

It's time to meet the suckers, sorry...I mean guys. Cue the video montage of each guy at work/home talking about how much they already love Emily.

One guy wrote a song with just one lyric—her name over and over again.

Another talked about his head injury. He also has a bulldog—a big, sloppy bulldog.

Then there's the skateboard kid with the Rick Astley hair. I hope there's a skateboard park in Emily's gated community.

Arie, a race car driver, acknowledges that since Emily's first fiance was also a racer, his occupation might turn her off. But he said he's willing to take that risk. What risk? All he has to do is put on a suit. It's not like they're making him eat at Taco Bell.

Even though the guys are a diverse and eclectic group, they still have one thing in common—looking for true love with a hot blond who has her own mansion.

We go into Emily's bathroom as Ricki watches her mom get ready for her big date with twenty-five guys. It looks more like the cosmetic department at Bergdorf Goodman. I think Ricki will have some image issues as she grows up.

Once she reaches the official Bachelorette mansion, Emily sits down and talks with the host about how nervous she is. “How do you prepare for The Bachelorette?” she laughs.

I'm guessing the same way she prepared for The Bachelor. Dress? Check. Make-up? Check. Heels? Check...

Emily looks perfect. No, I mean really perfect. This chick would make Barbie jealous. She waits in the elegant foyer for her potential soul mate.

The guys start to arrive and the embarrassing chit chat begins. The first guy doesn't even bother nodding or gesturing for her hand, he goes right into hug mode. What is he thinking? Doesn't he know how long she took to do her hair and make-up!

Next is Joe, showing off his huge perfect smile while dancing out of the car like he's a game show host. Survey says...cue the music intro. 

So far every guy has drooled over her body, tackled her in an awkward hug, and then moved on. One guy finally does something new. He goes on one knee and kisses her hand. I liked that, but then he ruined it by telling her his life story.

BORING. Move on.

Unlike me, Emily is quite charming and is very courteous to all these losers. Especially the guy who came with his own boombox—I also hate his green shirt. She asked again for his name, and I'm guessing it's so she makes sure NOT to give him a rose.

Charlie, the head injury guy with the bulldog at home, ended up being super sweet. He was followed by 'Prince Chamring' carrying a glass slipper on a pillow. He believes in true love and fairy tales. I was waiting for him to say, “because true love's kiss breaks any curse.”

Sorry, wrong ABC show.

The next guy wears a disguise pretending to be his Grandmother, singing his praises to Emily. She laughs but all I can picture is this. *rubs arms to smooth out goosebumps* I didn't like his green shirt either. AND he didn't even have a tie.

Hey fellas, here are some tips from your Aunt Bethany.

When you're meeting a girl you're hoping to impress make sure NOT to do the following:

1. Do NOT look at her boobs while complimenting her.

2. Do NOT crush her with a massive bear hug, thereby squishing her face into your armpit.

All I'm going to say about the next guy is this—LEAVE THE FRICKIN' EGG AT HOME. I thought Norman Bates was weird. If this was Elementary School the others would beat this 'Mother Goose' up and give him a wedgie.

Ryan is next. I hate his hair, but I melted a bit when he held up a note that said “You're so beautiful. I'm so nervous.” Nicely done, Ryan.

Soon a helicopter shows up and the guys hanging out by the fire pit have already declared they will hate this hot shot. I love seeing guys get catty.

Mr. Hot Shot, not exactly as shown.
photo credit, jlawrencekenny.wordpress.com

His name is Kaylen, but I'll call him Mr. Hot Shot. He walks in the room and the band plays this. I like the one armed hug he gave Emily, and the swell cleft in his chin.

Once Emily has greeted all of the 'hopefuls' she joins the party by the fire pit and says, “Golly I'm nervous!” I would be, too. She doesn't even have pepper spray.

And if you thought the hug-fest was tiring, now she has to endure the speed dating about to take place. One guy even shows her pictures of his six kids. Six!

Another gives her bobble head dolls that look just like them. Ew. Holy creep alert. But....she LOVES it!

Meanwhile Mother Goose *honk* waits for his turn while sitting on the love seat (nest)...with his egg.

Yawn. This needs to speed up. Emily should have put a bit of spinach in her teeth as a test.

Hey fellas, here's another tip from Aunt Bethany.

If your dream girl has something in her teeth, take her aside, then lean close and whisper, “This is a bit awkward but there's something in your teeth...which I find totally cute, but I know I'm not lucky enough to have you all to myself tonight.”

Girls, if a guy ever does this, he's a keeper.

The guys by the fire pit are getting nervous as they talk about not having any alone time with Emily. Mr. Hot Shot gets extra points by telling her he was raised by a single mom.

And Arie, the race car driver, is relieved to hear Emily talk about her love of car racing.

Finally, it's time for the 'first impression rose' which allows the lucky recipient to skip the next elimination round. She gives it to the single dad who brought a letter from his son. He's also cute, so that helps.

Emily begins the rose ceremony. I'm impressed she remembers everyone's name.

What happens if she calls out the wrong name? What if a guy sneaked in his own rose and secretly pins it on? Are there two guys with the same name? Am I asking too many questions?

Jeff, the skateboarder with the Rick Astley hair, gets to stay.

So does Joe. *Family Feud theme* Survey says...you're safe!

There's a lot of pausing and building up of the music as Emily looks at their faces. I wonder if she's choosing as she goes along?

Oh no! The boombox guy?!!?? Geez, I hate that green shirt.

Soon, only one rose is left on the table. But since no one can count, the host comes out and announces to the room full of adults staring at the table with only one rose, that yes, your suspicions are confirmed...there is only one rose left.

Thank you, Captain Obvious. Now go back behind the curtain.

And the last rose goes to...Mother Goose!?!? *honk*

If I was one of the guys who didn't get chosen, I'd crack that egg over his head.

As the 'unwanted' file out of the mansion, the single dad with six kids gives us a nice Hallmark moment about never finding love again and he turns away from the camera, overcome with devastation. I'm voting him for as the next Bachelor!

The tension between Mr. Hot Shot and boombox guy promise for some tension filled scenes. I can't wait.

Cheers!

How To Secretly Work On Your Novel While At Your Day Job

For writers, nothing is worse than leaving your laptop to go to your day job—you know, the place where you actually get paid. But don't let resentment cloud your ambitions. There's a way to keep the creative juices flowing even when away from your computer. Here are a few ways to secretly work on your novel while at your day job.

1. A two hour meeting in the board room?

Excellent! Take a few pens and keep your notepad on your lap, just under the table and out of sight. Throughout the meeting, glance up from your writing and make eye contact with the speaker, nod, and then write for the next five minutes. Keep repeating this process until the meeting is over. At the end of the session everyone else is weary and yawning, but you my friend have a spring in your step because you totally nailed the word count for that chapter.

"And then...and then...and then..."
photo credit, taitegallery.net

2. A co-worker talks non-stop?

Embrace her enthusiasm! The office gossip is worth her weight in gold. Listen to her...no REALLY listen. Memorize all her turns of phrase and quirky slang. Notice the gestures she uses when telling something especially juicy compared to how she greets the boss. BAM!! You just met your MC's neighbour/sister-in-law/horrible blind date. This gum snapping, pen clicking, bucket mouth is going to give your book loads of color.

3. An annoying co-worker?

Bonus! Make a list of his most annoying traits. Does he say, “TGIF” EVERY Friday? Does he ALWAYS hit the elevator button even though it's already lit up? Does he call you by a nickname that makes no sense? BINGO! Take this stuff and give it to your antagonist's sidekick.

4. Is your plot stuck at a crossroads, unsure which way to go?

No worries! The answer is close at hand. Go to the guy no one talks to. You know who I mean, he's the quiet guy who smells like cabbage and still lives with his parents. He's the guy you know has weird stuff hidden under his bed. Seek him out and tell him your characters problem, but pretend they're real people. Don't even ask for advice, just wait and listen. It's the still waters that run deep. WHAM! He might give you the freaky twist no one saw coming.

5. Are you a stay at home parent?

Lucky dog! Kids are hilarious because their imaginations are untethered by logic. Listen not for the slang, but for the reasoning. Case in point, here's a conversation between my eight year old son and his friend sitting in our backyard as they chewed bubblegum.

“Okay,” my son's friend started. “You're in a boat and you're surrounded by sharks...what do you do?”

Chewing noise then, “Hit it with the oar.”

“There's no oars.”

“Take off the engine and hit it—“

“—there's no engine.”

A bubble pops followed by a long pause. “I'd let him close enough to bit me, then I'd punch him in the eye like a thousand times.”

Me? I would have stayed in the boat. But how boring is that? I never would have made a character dive in and start a fist fight with a shark—I will now though.

See? There's inspiration everywhere, you just have to be open to the opportunities. As one of my co-workers said, “You can never quit working here, the material is endless. There's so much sh** happening each shift, it's like a new chapter every day.

Yup, I couldn't agree more.

So listen, I need to find something to blog about for Mondays since Once Upon A Time is finished for the summer. My Monday blogs are purely fluff and I'd like to stick with something that's popular and not too heavy. I have a few ideas, but I'm going to let you guys decide. Just leave a vote in the comments section.

Which would you like to read on my blog?

50 Shades of Grey (yes, that one)

The Bachelorette (I've never watched one full episode...ever)

Any other suggestions???

Cheers!