Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 13, “Tiny”

Or better title. “Who Spilled The Beans?”

Emma and Mr. Gold get ready to leave Storybrooke, oh yeah, and Henry is going with them. David lets Mr. Gold know that if anything happens to his family he will be devastated.

Wow. Big threat, David. Dude, this is The Dark one your talking to.

They cross town limits and Mr. Gold's scarf talisman thingy works.

Mary Margaret and David don't waste time, they get their arrows and guns all ready to hit the town looking for 'Cora The Dangerous'. The Mayor shows up and they give her the good news that Dr. Hopper is alive, so that nasty murder charge has been dropped. And by the way, Henry has left with Emma and her arch nemesis looking for Bellfire.



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Mary Margaret and David make Hook take them to his ship. Grumpy (why is he always on the fringe with these guys) is there too. Hook convinces them Cora is more diabolical than they suspect and he shows them another prisoner that happens to be on the ship.

It's the giant from episode. Except he's regular sized.

Anton, the giant, sits at a long table with his brothers celebrating the magic bean harvest that's about to happen. Apparently the oldest brother, the head giant, doesn't like humans and he keeps his younger brothers hidden above the clouds.

Anton doesn't understand his brother's prejudice and tries to convince the brothers that humans must be good if they have stuff like golden harps. The brothers tease Anton by calling him by his nickname, Tiny. He leaves the table all moody. Determined to show his brother's they're wrong about humans, he leaves his castle in the sky and climbs down the beanstalk.

Hook tells Mary Margaret he has no idea who the prisoner is and suggests she wake him up and see what he knows about Cora's plan. Mary Margaret gently wakes Anton. He looks around bleary eyed, but when he sees David, he flips out, screaming about revenge. Luckily Mary Margaret brought her bow and arrow and stops Anton from smashing David's head in. Instead he runs away, yelling stuff about horrible humans.

Geez, what did Prince Charming ever do to Anton?

Ruby visits Belle in the hospital and tries to jog her memory. Belle straight out asks her about Mr. Gold's ability to magical heal gunshot wounds with balls of fire. Ruby lies about the magic and this only infuriates Belle. Quickly a nurse with the most bizarre hairdo I've seen, comes in and gives Belle a shot. In the back ground, Greg, the outsider who ran over Hook with his car, watches from the shadows as ominous music plays.

Okay, there's only two patients in the hospital, you'd think they would know enough not to put the amnesiac fairy tale character with the suspicious outsider!

David tries to figure out why Anton hates him. We flashback to the castle where the first Prince Charming (James) is making out with someone who isn't Snow White!

Yikes! For a family show, ABC is showing a lot of skin and lingerie. What is this? The Super Bowl halftime show?

King Horrid enters the bedroom and I can't help but wonder who the heck thought this was a good scene. He tells the lovers there's a giant roaming the village. James and his chick are bad ass, and they go out, ready to take down a giant and get some magic beans.

They discover Anton easily since he's a giant and everything.

Prince James' lady friend has an awful lot of cleavage for a giant hunt.

Anyway, they convince Anton to try an enchanted piece of mushroom that will help make him smaller, and therefore be able to enjoy the dancing and drinking in the local pubs. She tells him her name is Jacqueline, but everyone calls her Jack.

As in Jack and the Beanstalk.

Mr. Gold finds airport security very uncivilized. He's forced to take off the shall. He's dazed for a few moments but once he slips it back on he's good to go.

The Mayor finds Hook and she learns Anton has escaped from the ship and has a death wish for David. The Mayor smiles since this is just the distraction Cora needs for her secret diabolical plan.

 

Prince James and Jack take Anton into the pub and they bond over pint of grog.

He loves humans!

Jack confesses to Anton that Prince James is in debt. If they don't pay off the neighboring kingdom (like say in magic beans or gold treasure) then the kingdom, including the pub, will be burned to the ground.

Anton promises Jack he can help them out—no problem.

The Mayor finds Anton sitting on a bench. She cuts to the chase pretty fast.

“I hear you're in town because you want to kill someone,” she says.

Nice ice breaker.

The Mayor and Anton make an alliance. She gives him a piece of mushroom from the Land of Hearts, and he grows back up to his giant self.

Mr. Gold gets agitated having to wait at the airport. He goes into the bathroom and teaches the paper towel dispense a lesson. He tries to heal his bleeding knuckles but his magic doesn't work.

I wonder if this inability to use magic will become important to the plot later on?

Anton visits the treasure room and starts to make a grab bag for his new pals. His oldest brother confronts him, and tries to convince him that humans are bad.

All the fairy tale characters run amok as Anton booms around Main Street. David tries to explain about Prince James and their switcheroo at birth. But Anton takes after them anyway.

Prince James and Jack storm the giant's castle demanding all the beans.

Huh? How can they fight giants?

David surrenders to Anton before Storybrooke is smashed to bits. Anton slams his body into the ground, hoping to crush David, but he only manages to get stuck in a huge crater. David and Mary Margaret, and Grumpy (why is he there?) look down and see that the magic mushroom has worn off and now Anton's a regular guy clinging to a broken sewer pipe.

Only one thing can save this mess. Yes, that's right, the Sheriff.

Call in Schmexy!!

 

The giants fall quickly because the Jack and Jason are using poisoned swords. The oldest brother tells Anton that if the humans get the magic beans, they will take their violence to every world. Anton must destroy the beans.

David rescues Anton from the crater and Grumpy rejoices from the front of the crowd.

Jack stabs the oldest brother with her poisoned sword as James fills a bag with gold loot. The oldest brother pulls out the sword and stabs Jack. They both lie dying. James barely gives her a shrug as he scoots out with his treasure.

Anton is devastated and kneels by his brother's side. And what do you know, he gives Anton a shoot of the stalk that is capable of growing more magic beans.

Everyone takes Anton to Granny's pub/diner/laundromat, and they discuss setting him up in an apartment. Mary Margaret tells him there's no portal back to fairy tale land, and that Storybrooke is his home now. Anton looks sheepishly at David and asks if there's good farmland nearby.

Who cares? I want to know if Mr. Gold has gotten kicked off the air plane yet.

David and Mary Margaret take Anton to a field. He pauses, wondering if this is the reason Cora kidnapped him. She must want him to plant a stalk to create a port hole.

David and Mary Margaret think this is probably true, but they decide they're tough enough to handle Cora. Besides Grumpy (shockingly) shows up with the other dwarfs, all carrying their axes. They give Anton his own axe and the name “Tiny” emblazons on the handle.

Grumpy leaves us with these wise words. “The axe doesn't lie.”

Belle is visited by Greg, aka, that guy who hit Hook with his car. He confides to her that she isn't crazy because he saw the old guy with the magical ball of fire, too.

David and Mary Margaret talk about how the bean stalk will change everything. He's super excited to go back to fairy tale land, but she tells him home is where Emma decides to go.

Hmm...I sense and impasse.

Mr. Gold is a nervous flier. He grips the seat rest with a white knuckles as the flight attendant announces they'll be taking off for New York City.

Hey, do you know who lives in New York City? Well, millions of people, yes, but also Emma's ugly faced boyfriend.

Ew! If he's the grown up version of Bellfire than that means Henry is his grandson.

I don't think The Mayor will be happy about that.


 

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

The dude from ER played the oldest giant. It's nice to see him working.

The hairdo on the Nurse who gave Belle her sedative shot. She could pass for O'Brien from Downton Abbey.

Hook. He's no Schmexy but he's a nice replacement.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

Grumpy keeps showing up for no reason.

The stripper outfits the costume department kept putting on Jack.

The fact none of the giants didn't just step on James and Jack.

Once again, the Sheriff failed to ride into town on a unicorn. *Sigh*

Once Upon A Time Episode 6, Season 2, “Tallahassee”

Or better title, "That Damn Puppet!"

It all started with a magic bean...
photo credit, hypable.com



Knowing they need the magic compass to get back to Storybrooke, Emma, Mary Margaret, and Mulan stare up at the sky scraping bean stalk while the ever silent, Sleeping Beauty...well, just stares.

Captain Sexy Eyes gives the girls (and us), a brief history lesson about how giants used to grow magic portal beans. Big monsters declare war on humans all the time in fairytale land, and the human army was led by a shy farmer named Jack. After an epic battle atop the famous bean stalk, one giant remains.

Really? I would've bet on the giants.

Captain Sexy Eyes shows them his special glowing bracelet that will allow him to climb the enchanted vine, but here's the twist, he only has one more bracelet since it was supposed to be used by Cora.

Um...couldn't she just fly up or something?

We see Emma with a pony tail and glasses—this is clearly, pre-Henry. She steals a yellow bug—yes that yellow bug. A guy pops up from the backseat making her scream.

Backseat driver.
photo credit, examiner.com

Hey! It's the guy from the useless prologue from the first episode. What is Bellfire doing in Emma's yellow bug? *Reaches for Tylenol* 

He starts to flirt with her, which should be the first red flag, and asks her out for drinks. It's soon apparent this guy is smitten, and not the owner of the car.

Wow! What are the odds the car you've stolen has already been stolen? Pretty basic first date so far. It also happens to be the way I met my husband.

Emma convinces Mary Margaret to let her accompany Captain Sexy Eyes up the bean stalk. Mulan gives her a sack of poppy seeds to use as a powerful sleeping potion. (Well sure, if you're going to have Frankenstein, you might as well in corporate The Wizard of Oz).

Emma makes Mulan promise to chop down the vine if she's not back in ten hours, and...psst, make sure to get Mary Margaret back to Storybrooke.

They start to climb, and I'm thinking ten hours was a generous estimate. 

Hello! You're climbing into the clouds!

Captain Sexy Eyes takes this opportunity to flirt with Emma. With his usual confident swagger, he teases she has the look of an orphan, so similar to all the Lost Boys on Neverland. He can tell she's never truly been in love.

A very pregnant Emma, and her car stealing boyfriend, enter a convenience store and practise their shoplifting skills. They run out with Emma's fake tummy full of pop and Twinkies.

What kind of criminals are they? Shouldn't they be doing something more than pocketing gum?

Anyway, the nameless boyfriend gets all sentimental and convinces Emma that it's time to settle down and start eating real food. She closes her eyes, points to the map and chooses...Tallahassee.

Mulan makes a sundial and schedules sleep shifts. Mary Margaret convinces Aurora—yes! I can finally stop typing 'Sleeping Beauty'—to catch a few winks as well, but she whines that her nightmares keep her up. That plus the fact she's been asleep for like a hundred years...

Emma and Captain Sexy Eyes finally make it to the top and find a derelict castle looming in front of them. He administers some first aid to a cut on her hand, but Emma is so head strong and tough she's immune to his charms.

He takes off his manly pirate scarf, wraps it around her hand, and then knots it off with is teeth. All the while giving her a hypnotic stare with those terribly, sexy eyes. Then he leans close...so close I can count his eyelashes and smell a faint taste of rum off his breath.

Er...sorry. Right, ahem.

It's not eyeliner, it's face paint for men.
photo credit, tvfilmnews.com

Emma sees his tattoo of Melana's name on his arm and she figures out that Mr. Gold took more than his hand. But the pirate has no desire to talk about his feelings either, instead they discuss the best way to attack the giant.

Emma's boyfriend confesses he's in hot water for a bag of stolen watches, and the cops are looking for him. He breaks the news that Tallahassee is out, and he needs to escape to Canada...alone. But Emma has been picturing days spent at the beach while pickpocketing tourists. She convinces him to let her retrieve the watches from his locker at the train station...or something like that.

It doesn't matter, we all know it's not going to end well.

This dude looks LOST.
photo credit, tumblr.com

As per some elaborate plan, Captain Sexy Eyes makes a lot of noise to summon the Giant. The big curly haired dude, from Lost shows up. While Captain Sexy Eyes distracts him, Emma throws the whole bag of poppy powder at his face. Within seconds Hurley falls.

Mulan checks her sundial and the ever helpful Aurora has a nightmare. She tells Mary Margaret she was trapped in a room with burning curtains. There was someone else with her, hiding in the corner, but all she could see were his eyes. Mary Margaret soothes her back to sleep and this scene was such an obvious info-dump it isn't even funny.

Captain Sexy Eyes keeps pocketing golden treasure while Emma impatiently prompts him to hurry up. They stumble across several booby traps and more flirting continues—Emma's 'tough girl with a heart of stone persona' is an interesting challenge for the pirate.

Emma goes to the train station and easily retrieves the stolen watches. She jumps into the yellow bug, where her guy is waiting. He puts one of the watches on her wrist, takes the rest to sell speedy quick, and then they're Tallahassee bound, baby!

Gee, I hope nothing bad happens.

Lover Boy doesn't get very far before he's attacked....by August Wayne Booth. He wastes no time in playing the magic card, and blurts out that Emma has a destiny. And here's a hint, it has nothing to do with Tallahassee. In order to convince him, August walks him over to his motorcycle and shows him something in a box.

It must be one hell of a good trick, because the boyfriend doesn't even bat an eye when August proceeds to tell him everything.

Hands up!
photo credit, theexaminer.com

Emma is arrested after being told she was set up by her lover boy.

The giant wakes up and runs into the castle, causing such a ground shaking disturbance, that Captain Sexy Eyes is trapped under falling rocks.

Dear ABC,

Please, please, please, stop killing off the hot guys.

August and lover boy meet up in Vancouver, CANADA!!! Emma will be in jail for eleven months. Lover Boy is upset that he can't have any contact with her. He hands over the keys to the yellow bug. August promises to watch over Emma.

We know how that turned out the last time, right?

Lover Boy begs August to send him word when it's safe to see her again.

Giant Hurley picks up Emma and starts to crush her, apparently he has some unresolved issues over the whole 'humans whipped out my species' thing. Emma is brilliant under pressure and she bites his huge thumb with her tiny teeth. This causes enough searing pain for him to drop her.

He runs after her and she springs one of the booby traps. With a poisoned tipped sword aimed straight for his eye, Giant Hurley gives Emma the magic compass, snarling that all humans are killers. Emma walks away without harming him, and he smashes out of the trap. But, instead of crushing her or making soup with her bones, he helps dig out Captain Sexy Eyes.

Hooray!

Emma quickly shows him the compass but refuses to let him have it. Then she handcuffs him to a post, saying she has trust issues and just needs a head start.

Zzzzz.
photo credit, examiner.com

Mulan checks her sundial, and realizes that ten hours have passed. She starts to cut down the bean stalk causing Mary Margaret to freak out and attack her. Meanwhile, Aurora stands and watches. Yup, she just stands and watches.

Emma jumps down from the air, breaking up the fight. Mary Margaret gives her a lecture about death wishes and tells her the only way they go back to Storybrooke is together.

Emma sits in prison with her positive pregnancy test.

Henry wakes from a nightmare, and is quickly consoled by David. He describes a room with burning curtains and a girl who just stands there and stares at him.

Hmm...standing and staring? Does that sound like anyone we know?

Predictions for next episode

Emma starts drinking rum and keeps Captain Sexy Eye's scarf close to her heart.

Lover Boy arrives in Storybrooke and is surprised to see that everyone, even the dwarfs, are better looking than him.

David furrows his brow, then looks longingly into the camera and once again wishes there was magic so he could make a portal to fairytale land.