Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 17 "Best Laid Plans"

Or better title "Kidnapping, Storybrooke Style"

What kind of drugs have the writers been taking?

Snow White and Charming are narcissistic baby-snatchers? And The Author is finally revealed to be... (prepare for disappointment).

Omen for The Charmings

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A pregnant Snow and Charming sprint through the forest landscape wearing way too much fur for such activity. They stumble upon a unicorn with a double-fisted horn. At once, both parents have visions of their child to be.

Mental Note: Unicorn horns are magical ultrasounds

Charming sees an adorable toddler version of Emma, but Snow is greeted by a teen full of angst and hormons and stuff. Immediately Snow thinks her unborn baby is evil.

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Ex-squeeze me?  Snow's step-mother is the Evil Queen. Shouldn't a mass murdering tyrant be the measuring stick. Just because teen Emma is moody and bad tempered that makes her evil?

Race To Find The Author

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Back in Storybrooke, things get stupid. Regina and Emma are puzzling over a picture of a door in the storybook. August goes unconscious or whatever and Henry suggests they take him to the Blue Fairy.

Um...remember last time the Blue Fairy helped August? She turned him back unto an eight year old boy. I don't think this woman knows any other spell.

Meanwhile, Hook catches up to the Charmings and passes along the warning Ursula told him about Mr. Gold's super sneaky evil plan to turn Emma's evil as well.

Mwahahahaha.

Emma merely shrugged because she was only in jail for like a year or something and now she's totally reformed. Then she and Hook hug while David and Mary Margaret whisper awkwardly in the corner. "OMG! She said the 'e' word! Our secret will be out!"

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Bored with this lot, Regina spends some more time with a much cooler crowd, Cruella and Malificent. They have a phone shot of the illustration of the magical door that apparently The Author is hiding behind.

How do we know this? Mr. Gold takes less than two seconds to deduct. "This page is magicked and he is trapped inside.”

What's the next step? A curse of course. One that's disguised as purple fog because no one in Storybrooke will be expecting that. It's a sleeping curse and soon everyone is knocked out.

While Storybrooke snoozes, the only people unaffected are those who have natural immunity...I guess. So Mary Margaret, David, Henry, and presumably Aurora (wherever she is) are running around town. Henry tells them he took the page with the mysterious door that the Author is trapped behind to the mysterious manor.

Because his plans always work, David decides he and Mary Margaret should use this opportunity to destroy the page to keep their dark secret from getting out.

While Cruella and Maleficent are searching for the page, Mr. Gold pays a visit to his shop to stare at an unconscious Belle.

Creep-factor!!!

Malificent gives him a judging stare, but Mr. Gold is a whiny pants and for some reason the women with all the power still do whatever he says, even though Urusula proved last episode that she can create her own happy ending without The Author.

Babies Gone Bad

Back in Fairy Tale Land, we learn that Maleficent had laid an egg while in her dragon form.

Um...wtf?

Also, Charming has taken to carrying a flask of booze with him. Remember his dad's issue? Anyway, while on the road, he and Snow encounter a peddler who gives them directions to the Sorcerer's Apprentice. I guess Snow is super concerned about having an evil teenager.

Newsflash, it's called puberty.

Snow and Charming listen as the Sorcerer's Apprentice explain that their unborn baby could grow up to be good or evil. But instead of taking parenting classes to assure they raise the baby to treat others with respect and basically be a decent human being, Snow and Charming take him up on his offer to suck all the evil out of Snow’s womb and put it in another living vessel.

Hmm...where can they find another living vessel?

Snow rationalizes that since Maleficent is evil, her 'dragon egg baby thing' will also be evil, so what's wrong with giving it a bit more evil? Charming goes along with this and they're soon breaking into Malificent's castle and snatch her baby dragon egg.

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Maleficent begs Snow not to take her child. Snow simply says, "Oh, no worries, I'll be right back." Instead, she gives the egg to the Sorcerer who not only poured all of the evil into the egg, he also prepares to send it into another dimension.

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Before you can say, baby-snatchers, a little fist breaks through the dragon egg. And I have terrible flashbacks to the episode where Grumpy hatched fully clothed.

Where is Nova, anyway?

And since Cruella and Ursulla were staying with Malificent to look after her, they rush to save the baby but are sent into the portal as well.

The Author Appears!

Back at the mysterious manor, Henry waits in front of the magical door, which is now emitting a magical light. Regina, Cruella and Maleficent bust in and demand the page from Henry.

But then Mary Margaret and David arrive to burn the page. In a flash of reason Mary Margaret slows things down and wonders if maybe they're making too many bad choices based on fear and maybe if they just told the truth from the beginning...

Anyway, Emma's all, "Whoa, you guys are baby snatchers!" But she's actually more upset with the fact they lied to her than the actual weird kidnapping scheme.

Sick of the Charmings getting all the air time, Malificent breaks up their family feud, demanding to know what happened to her child. We learn that her daughter, Lily, met Emma when they were teens. She was Emma's best friend for a day when they shoplifted together then ate ice cream and played video games for the rest of the afternoon.

But that girl wasn't evil. She had gumption! I can't wait for her to make an entrance.

Oh, and The Author? When the door was finally opened, the peddler stepped out. Before he can be cornered and forced to give anyone a happy ending, he takes out all the Charmings with this curtain rod and disappears into the night.

Too bad everyone's still asleep. 

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 19 “A Curious Thing”

Or better title “Mulan's Revenge!”

 

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Snow White and Charming decide to announce to the kingdom that they're pregnant. The Evil Queen says they're loopy. Belle arrives and breaks the news that Neal is dead and Rumpelstiltskin is alive, but they're sharing the same body...or something like that.

Plus, the wicked witch has the dagger to control the Dark One.

Prince Phillip and Aura finally get a few lines. They drop the bombshell that the wicked witch is after Snow White's baby. They didn't say anything at first because she promised to destroy them if they spilled the beans.

And since they just spilled the beans...the wicked witch arrives and turns Aura and Phillip in to flying monkeys.

How does Mulan feel about this?

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Eight months later Snow White and Charming sit around the council table still trying to come up with ideas for defeating the wicked witch. The Evil Queen wonders if Rumpelstiltskin can help them.

It took eight months for them to figure this out?

Charming suggests they break into his castle, but Regina says that's impossible because his magic is so strong. Robin Hood brags he broke in last season to steal a bow and arrow.

Robina (Regina and Robin Hood) make out in the hallway of the bed and breakfast. She promises him that once she gets her heart back it will be AH-SOME. He says, “Use my heart for the both of us.”

To do what?

Regina arrives flushed to a meeting with Mary Margaret, Emma and David. They discuss why Zalena brought them all back to Storybrooke. They ask things like:

To cast the spell you have to give up the thing you love the most.

We must already know how to defeat her, that's why they have no memories.
         
Since Emma broke the curse by believing in magic and kissing Henry, but she's done both of  those things already.  

Henry must be the one to save them all. He has to believe in magic and kiss someone...okay maybe just believe. We need the storybook!!!

Zalena has Hook duck tapped in the truck of a car. She demands he kiss Emma. If he doesn't get busy and take away her magic by the time Mary Margaret has her baby, she'll kill Henry.

This would never happen to Hook if he had a unicorn. Just sayin...

Robin Hood easily breaks into Rumpelstiltskin's castle. He and the Evil Queen squabble like all good would-be lovers do at the beginning of their love story.

They find Rumpelstiltskin inside a cage spinning gold and babbling. Remember, he has Neal inside his head as well.

Snow White asks him how to stop the wicked witch but he only answers with a rhyme.

Belle uses her Australian accent and the power of love to reach through his layers of glitter gold makeup. He tells her the answer is light. “Find the good witch of the south.”

Of course. And I bet she'll be riding a unicorn.

Mary Margaret tells the others that the 'Once Upon A Time' book appeared in her closet when Henry needed it the most. Maybe it's still there?

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While Emma is running all over Storybrooke, Henry is fed up with all the lying. He's so upset his voice cracks. He takes her keys and hustles up to their room which above Granny's pub/diner/laundromat...oh my gosh, it's ALSO a bed and breakfast.

Henry takes her car keys, but before he can leave Storybrooke, Hook arrives with a better idea.

Emma, David and Mary Margaret search the apartment. Ta da! She finds the book! Regina grabs it, determined to figure out whose heart Zalena crushed to cast the curse.

Snow White and the gang hustle to the dark forest to find the white witch. They find a door that leads to nowhere.

Hmm? It's probably nothing.

Snow White and Charming enter easily and end up in a snow covered forest...Narnia?

Uh-oh. I remember the white witch being mean in this story.

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The white witch says her name is Belinda. She tells them Snow White's baby is pure of heart and also has the gift of magic.

She ALSO tells them she was childhood friends with Zalena.

Pay attention, folks. Rules get thrown out faster than last week's leftovers.

Zalena was born with powerful magic. She has a pendant that keeps all her magic focused. If she loses the pendant, well...you can guess the rest.

Also, only someone who is pure of heart and a purveyor of white magic (magic made from love) can defeat Zalena.

Did you get that? Good because there will be a test at the end of the post.

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Charming and Snow White realize that Emma is the only one who can defeat Zalena. But, oh no! She's in Storybrooke. They must enact the dark curse that will bring them back to her world.

Charming offers his heart so Snow White can cast the spell. The Evil Queen is like, “You guys are cray, cray.”

Emma realizes Henry is missing. Hook has taken him to the dock and is arranging for Bill Smead to take him to new York. Before you can say, “Ahoy,” a gang of flying monkeys arrive. Hook fends off the attack while Henry runs away screaming.

Henry, of course, falls. Emma and her posse arrive and throw balls of fire, vaporizing the monkeys. Emma shows Henry the 'Once Upon A Time' book and asks him to believe.

I think the flying monkeys helped.

Everyone holds their breath.

Henry takes the book and experiences three seasons of episodes in two seconds. He remembers and everyone cries. “Hurry”, Regina says. “Break the curse!”

Zalena arrives and magics Henry into a choke hold. She sneers and says that Hook is to blame for Henry's death.

Regina rushes to Henry's rescue, but Zalena easily sends her flying back, smashing into the ground.

Henry starts to turn blue. Emma uses her super power — no not the 'I can tell when someone is lying' super power — just regular magic this time.

Zalena's hands are burned! She backs off and threatens that the next time no one will survive...or something like that.

Henry falls on his knees beside Regina's crumpled form. She's not moving.

Snow White, Charming and the Evil Queen stand around a bubbling cauldron. Snow White says she can't crush his heart. He says, “No worries, we share the same heart. Every time you look at our little baby, you'll see my love for you.”

This is followed by more tearful love pledges. He tells the Evil Queen he's ready.

“This is going to hurt,” she says. Then she thrusts her hand into his chest. Snow White takes it and crushes it over the cauldron.

Charming falls to the ground, dead.

The wicked witch arrives and adds a forgetting clause to the spell. She tells Snow White and the Evil Queen, “You'll never defeat me if you can't remember who I am.”

Regina wakens and sees Henry is all right. She kisses him and says she'll always love him.

Ta-da! The curse is broken.

Mary Margaret and David let Emma know they are the ones who cast the curse so they could return and have her defeat Zalena with her pure magic powers and stuff.

“Whoa,” she says. “If you had to sacrifice the thing you love the most, why are you both still alive?”

The answer? Unicorn!

Back at the cauldron, Snow White tells the Evil Queen that she has to split her heart in half and then put the second part in Charming's chest. “I love him enough to fill both of our hearts!”

Aw. *rolls eyes*

The Evil Queen performs the Enchanted Forest's first heart division and transplant.

Charming wakes up. There's more kissing and love pledging.

Thunder cracks and the curse takes them back to Storybrooke.

Henry and Regina reminisce. He tells her all about New York. And he's pleased she's not evil anymore. Robin Hood shows up and Henry is stoked he has all these cool relatives.

Emma demands to know what Hook was up to. He says, “Zalena put a cast my lips.”

I should really do a top ten list of most ridiculous lines from this series...

Mary Margaret and David tell him that the message with the memory potion wasn't sent by them. Hook gets all defensive. “Then who did?" he asks. "Who else knew where Emma was living?”

Um...duh. Zalena.

Rumpelstiltskin watches as the wicked witch mixes a memory potion so that she'll remember when they go to Storybrooke. She gives it to Rumpelstiltskin. He's ready to guzzle the bottle to forget Neal is dead. Then Neal breaks out of Rumpelstiltskin's body. He scrawls a message, ties it to the bottle and sends it off with a pigeon to the Jolly Roger.

Loose plot hole tidied up.

A flying unicorn would have been more impressive than a pigeon.

Henry puts a rose on Neal's grave. He cries and asks Emma if it was hard to come back to Storybrooke. She tells him she knew he'd want her to because heroes never give up...or something like that. He smiles and says Operation Cobra is back on.

And just when you think things are wrapping up, Mary Margaret goes into labour.

Quiz time!

Who was Zalena's childhood friend?

Where is all of Zalena's magic kept?

What kind of magic can defeat Zalena?

How does one become true of heart?

Why are there no unicorns in this show?

WHEN IS THE SHERIFF COMING BACK????


Need more Storybrooke? You'll find my recaps for ALL of the Once Upon A Time episodes (even from the very first season) on my Pinterest page here.

Once Upon A Time, Season 3 Episode 14 "The Tower"

Or better title "Face Your Fear, Lose Your Sword"

 

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Charming searches the castle for a crying baby. He finds the nursery empty, but Emma is there fully grown and wearing a gown. She asks him to teach her to dance because her first ball is tonight and she's nervous.

They have a daddy/daughter dance and Emma tells him all of this was taken away from her because he failed her. The sky darkens and she tells him not to fail the next baby.

He wakes in a cold sweat. Snow White is by the window, super happy to be back in her castle. She tells him that she's pregnant. He's excited but Emma's lingering warning echo inside his head.

 

Emma and the others play Nancy Drew, trying to figure out which person is 3W (Wicked Witch of the West). Regina suggests someone watch out for Henry since flying monkeys are kidnapping people and a crazy witch is on the loose.
 

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Zalena taunts Rumpelstiltskin with his dagger (while it's in her possession, she can control him). She shaves him with the dagger and monologues about how it's important to hide the rotten ugliness that lingers inside their souls. She has a diabolic plan but she's keeping that a secret for now.

Darn her!

Rumpelstiltskin starts to spin gold, slowly going crazy.

Zalena enters Mr. Gold's shop and strikes up a conversation with Belle. She wants to buy a baby gift for Mary Margaret since she'll be the midwife. Belle graciously offers to find something. As soon as her back is turned, Zalena freezes her and heads straight for the safe.

She magics it open and retrieves a lump of...something?

David, Hook, and Emma search Regina's office for clues. They find a holly berry. David knows exactly where they grow, not far from the toll bridge. Mary Margaret calls, telling David he has to come back to the apartment to meet the midwife.

Really, Mary Margaret? He's looking for a witch.

Charming sneaks to the royal barn to have a few nips from his royal flask. Robin Hood shows up with his golden arrows from the Queen and they talk about how tough it is to be a dad in fairy tale land. Charming confesses he's losing confidence and can't ignore the overwhelming sense of dread.

Me too, Charming. Me too.

Robin Hood tells him of a root that will help overcome any fear, but he needs to be careful because that part of the forest is haunted.

Pfft! Haunted shmaunted.

Zalena and Mary Margaret giggle about boys until David shows up. He questions why Mary Margaret would hire a stranger to take care of their baby with a mysterious witch on the loose. Zalena makes them cups of tea with her own special blend.

Oh, that's what the lumpy thing was in Mr. Gold's safe.

How stupid are these two?

Charming finds the magic root without too much difficulty. He hears cries for help and discovers a tower with no door, only a high window. He climbs the thick brown rope. He makes it to the window and discovers the rope coils along the floor and is in fact a braid belonging to a young woman.
 

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The princess says her name is Rapunzel. Her parents rule a distant kingdom. Her older brother was supposed to be the next in line for the throne, but a terrible accident occurred and now Rapunzel will inherit the kingdom. Worried she would not be a good Queen, she sought the night root to quell her fears of inadequacy. But before she could return home a witch attacked her and chased her into the tower. And she's been trapped for years. 

*cough* info dump *cough*

Scary music tips off Charming something sinister is about to happen. The cloaked witch arrives and begins to climb up the tower.

Zalena has a Dr. Phil episode with David and Mary Margaret. She tells them it's unhealthy to keep fear bottled up.

It's also unhealthy to take a drink from a stranger.

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David finishes his tea, gives them a smile, and goes back to the woods to look for flying monkeys. 

Regina takes Henry for ice cream. They meander about Storybrooke talking about how small towns are better than a big city like New York. 

No one normal would ever say that.

Henry lets it slip that Emma is awesome, but he'd really like to have a bigger family.

Hook and Emma find the holly berries and start looking for a house. She confronts him about his lost year on the Jolly Roger. He says nothing, but she knows he's lying.

She has that super power, remember?

They talk about Emma's ex-boyfriend and Hook says he's glad she back on the market. It starts to snow and they stumble across a farm house.

David tracts their progress but he's being followed by the cloaked witch from Rapunzel's tower. Luckily he has his sword and cell phone. He leaves Emma a message that he's about to fight the wicked witch.

Back in the tower, Charming refuses to leave Rapunzel. He fights the hooded figure. At the same time, David fights the hooded figure in the woods. 

When do you think he'll realize he's fighting his fear and not an actual witch?

Hook and Emma approach the farm house. Emma notices the storm cellar is locked. Hook convinces her it's best to wait until they have magical back up in case flying monkeys come out at them. She uses her cell phone and hears David's message.

David attacks the hooded figure. The hood falls back and he sees himself. 

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Back in the tower, the hooded figure looks just like Rapunzel. Charming tells her that she is the witch, it is her own fear that is keeping her prisoner. The night root makes it happen. 

He tells her she has to defeat her fear of ruling the kingdom. She has to kill the witch in order to escape.

David tries to fight his own fear. He wins when he confesses that he's afraid he won't be a good father. He stabs the cloaked figure and it disappears...but so does his sword. 

Ta da! Spell broken. 

I guess Zalena put night root in his tea.

Rapunzel confesses that she was drowning and her brother jumped in and saved her, but he ended up dying. Her fear is that her parents will not forgive her. Charming brings Rapunzel back to the castle where her parents are waiting. He sees Snow White and confesses his fear of being a father. 

Cue the soft piano music.

Snow White tells him not to worry because they're going to do this together. 

Through the magic of conveniently written dialogue, we learn that when David faced his fear all of his courage was transferred to his sword, but unfortunately that sword is not in the possession of the mysterious witch.

Got that?

Zalena oozes with charm with Mary Margaret.

Why? Because she has a sword full of courage, that's why.

Hook, David and Emma return to the storm cellar. The lock is busted. Inside they find an empty cage full of golden straw. 

*Light bulb moment*

Need more Storybrooke? You'll find my recaps for ALL of the Once Upon A Time episodes (even from the very first season) on my Pinterest page here.








 

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 2, "The Lost Girl"

Or better title, "Fakers, Fighters, and Frickin' Darkness"

Mr. Gold stands in front of a campfire in a jungle clearing. He pulls out The Dark One's dagger and uses it to summon a mysterious shadow beast/demon thing. At his request, the creature takes the dagger and hides it where even he won't be able to find it.

Emma and the gang continue to make a path through the jungle with Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE) as their guide. They have to be careful in the perpetual darkness because there is a plant with thorns that has a deadly magic that can kill—even the Dark One.

Hmm...that was interesting.

The reach the top of the cliff, but CSE is unable to see Peter Pan's hideout. Well, that would make sense since it's so FRICKIN' dark. They have to go around the aptly name Dark Jungle. They make camp, hoping to rest up before the next big fight.  

In the Enchanted Forest (not to be confused with the Fantastical Field or Cursed Chasm) the magic mirror reveals to the Evil Queen that Prince Charming has just woken Snow White with true love's kiss.

Battle on!

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Snow White starts recruiting villagers for her army. The Evil Queen arrives with a deadly ultimatum; she wants Snow White to give up her claim to the throne or else a random peasant girl will die.

*Enter random peasant girl*

The Evil Queen promises to kill one of the peasants each day until Snow White steps down.

This so lame. Haven't we been through all this before? Zzzz

Emma wakes in the jungle to crying voices. She grabs her sword and decides to investigate. She finds Peter Pan, who gloatingly tells her he's looking forward to battling her for Henry. He then hands her a magical parchment that will lead her to Henry—(and the big battle I'm guessing). But the map is blank. Emma will only be able to find Henry when she finally accepts her true identity...the savior.

Emma takes her wand and says, “I solemnly swear to be up to no good.” Sorry, just kidding.

*Ten points for Harry Potter reference*

Instead, Emma and the others bicker about what to do next. Regina wants to use her magic on the map, but Emma won't let her. Mary Margaret uselessly encourages her with, "Don't give up."

Snow White and Prince Charming have a meeting with the dwarfs. She considers taking the Evil Queen's offer so the fighting can stop and they can all live peacefully. Charming says that's crazy ridiculous, the Kingdom is hers for God's sake! Charming goes to Rumpelstiltskin because obviously only magic can fix this whole mess.

Mr. Gold is playing with his corn husk doll, which is kind of sill considering he's the Dark One and everything. A cloaked figure jumps out and grabs the doll. He chases them down and unmasks the thief...it's Belle.

How did she get there?

She leans in for a kiss, then Mr. Gold realizes Belle is only a vision.

Anyway, back to glittery Rumpelstiltskin and Prince Charming. "Magic can't make someone believe," he giggles. "Belief must come from within." But Charming won't take no for an answer.

He's learned that you just keep asking for the same thing and it will be given to you. It's called 'toddler tactic'. 

A-ha! There is a magical weapon that will help Snow White defeat the Evil Queen, by showing her who she really is.

Emma tries talking to the map. She says stuff like, "I'm Henry's Mother. My name is Emma Swan." Nothing is working. Then she tries, "I was sent through a portal to break a curse...I'm the savior." Regina gets impatient and snatches the map away. She performs the locator spell. They watch as the floating paper goes into the Dark Jungle.

Watch out for the deadly thorns!

Belle's fake hologram or whatever she is, takes Mr. Gold on a stroll through the jungle. He confesses he's a coward just like his father, and is useless to save Henry. Belle asks about the corn husk doll. It was the last thing his father gave to him. Belle tells him he has to let go of the past.

Funny, I don't remember seeing that at the shop.

In a truly metaphoric moment, he throws the doll away.

Prince Charming and Snow White journey to the top of a hill for the weapon, Excalibur. Prince Charming tries, but it won't budge. Only the kingdom's true ruler can wield...well you know the rest. Snow White effortlessly pulls the sword from the stone.

The map leads Emma and the gang to an even darker part of the jungle. Peter Pan and his Mad Max orphans surround them. A fight ensues with swords, magic fireballs and arrows. David gets a scratch. Emma tackles a kid, but she suddenly stops herself from beating him up.

Why? Maybe because he's a kid?

Anyway, Peter Pan calls off his hounds and they quickly disappear into the jungle.

The Evil Queen arrives at the village prepared to start killing random peasants, but Snow White is ready with Excalibur and runs at her like Last of the Mohicans. “This is my kingdom and I will fight for it.” She yells.

Go girl! 

Mary Margaret asks Emma why she stopped fighting one of the Lost Boys. Emma confesses she saw herself in his expression; desperate, unloved, someone who cried every night wondering why her parents gave her up. In other words, a lost girl in the foster system.

She's the LOST GIRL. Where is Pinocchio? He still needs to be beaten up for leaving her in that orphanage.

She doesn't feel like a hero or a savior, the island makes her feel like...an orphan. Ta-da! The map reveals itself.

Snow White travels to see Rumpelstiltskin and offers to pay whatever Prince Charming promised for Excalibur. He does his little giggle and dance show and makes the sword disintegrate.

It was a fake! Prince Charming faked her out so she would have the confidence needed to fulfill. What a faker!

Just like when Harry pretended to give Ron Felix Felicis before the Quidditch match!

*Ten points for Harry Potter reference*

Snow White is super mad, but Prince Charming defends his actions, saying he only needed to remind her of how awesome she is.

I love it when the writers hit us over the head with the theme. Yeah, thanks we get it, they had to believe in their true selves. 

CSE reads Emma's orphan map and they decide to make a sneaky plan of attack worthy of Scooby Doo.

Meanwhile Mr. Gold treks through the jungle alone. Out of the night sky, the corn husk doll falls in front of him. He sets it on fire, determined to leave his past behind. Then another doll appears, but this one he keeps.

Huh?

Peter Pan pays Emma a visit and boldly states she hasn't given forgiven her parents for abandoning her. And by the time she finally finds Henry, he'll feel the same way about her. Then he promises to make her an orphan again.

Yikes.

David waits until Mary Margaret is asleep. He lifts up his shirt to reveal his sword wound has gone from a thin scratch to a creepy gross magical infection.

Hey, too bad David's true identity isn't a healer.

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 13, “Tiny”

Or better title. “Who Spilled The Beans?”

Emma and Mr. Gold get ready to leave Storybrooke, oh yeah, and Henry is going with them. David lets Mr. Gold know that if anything happens to his family he will be devastated.

Wow. Big threat, David. Dude, this is The Dark one your talking to.

They cross town limits and Mr. Gold's scarf talisman thingy works.

Mary Margaret and David don't waste time, they get their arrows and guns all ready to hit the town looking for 'Cora The Dangerous'. The Mayor shows up and they give her the good news that Dr. Hopper is alive, so that nasty murder charge has been dropped. And by the way, Henry has left with Emma and her arch nemesis looking for Bellfire.



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Mary Margaret and David make Hook take them to his ship. Grumpy (why is he always on the fringe with these guys) is there too. Hook convinces them Cora is more diabolical than they suspect and he shows them another prisoner that happens to be on the ship.

It's the giant from episode. Except he's regular sized.

Anton, the giant, sits at a long table with his brothers celebrating the magic bean harvest that's about to happen. Apparently the oldest brother, the head giant, doesn't like humans and he keeps his younger brothers hidden above the clouds.

Anton doesn't understand his brother's prejudice and tries to convince the brothers that humans must be good if they have stuff like golden harps. The brothers tease Anton by calling him by his nickname, Tiny. He leaves the table all moody. Determined to show his brother's they're wrong about humans, he leaves his castle in the sky and climbs down the beanstalk.

Hook tells Mary Margaret he has no idea who the prisoner is and suggests she wake him up and see what he knows about Cora's plan. Mary Margaret gently wakes Anton. He looks around bleary eyed, but when he sees David, he flips out, screaming about revenge. Luckily Mary Margaret brought her bow and arrow and stops Anton from smashing David's head in. Instead he runs away, yelling stuff about horrible humans.

Geez, what did Prince Charming ever do to Anton?

Ruby visits Belle in the hospital and tries to jog her memory. Belle straight out asks her about Mr. Gold's ability to magical heal gunshot wounds with balls of fire. Ruby lies about the magic and this only infuriates Belle. Quickly a nurse with the most bizarre hairdo I've seen, comes in and gives Belle a shot. In the back ground, Greg, the outsider who ran over Hook with his car, watches from the shadows as ominous music plays.

Okay, there's only two patients in the hospital, you'd think they would know enough not to put the amnesiac fairy tale character with the suspicious outsider!

David tries to figure out why Anton hates him. We flashback to the castle where the first Prince Charming (James) is making out with someone who isn't Snow White!

Yikes! For a family show, ABC is showing a lot of skin and lingerie. What is this? The Super Bowl halftime show?

King Horrid enters the bedroom and I can't help but wonder who the heck thought this was a good scene. He tells the lovers there's a giant roaming the village. James and his chick are bad ass, and they go out, ready to take down a giant and get some magic beans.

They discover Anton easily since he's a giant and everything.

Prince James' lady friend has an awful lot of cleavage for a giant hunt.

Anyway, they convince Anton to try an enchanted piece of mushroom that will help make him smaller, and therefore be able to enjoy the dancing and drinking in the local pubs. She tells him her name is Jacqueline, but everyone calls her Jack.

As in Jack and the Beanstalk.

Mr. Gold finds airport security very uncivilized. He's forced to take off the shall. He's dazed for a few moments but once he slips it back on he's good to go.

The Mayor finds Hook and she learns Anton has escaped from the ship and has a death wish for David. The Mayor smiles since this is just the distraction Cora needs for her secret diabolical plan.

 

Prince James and Jack take Anton into the pub and they bond over pint of grog.

He loves humans!

Jack confesses to Anton that Prince James is in debt. If they don't pay off the neighboring kingdom (like say in magic beans or gold treasure) then the kingdom, including the pub, will be burned to the ground.

Anton promises Jack he can help them out—no problem.

The Mayor finds Anton sitting on a bench. She cuts to the chase pretty fast.

“I hear you're in town because you want to kill someone,” she says.

Nice ice breaker.

The Mayor and Anton make an alliance. She gives him a piece of mushroom from the Land of Hearts, and he grows back up to his giant self.

Mr. Gold gets agitated having to wait at the airport. He goes into the bathroom and teaches the paper towel dispense a lesson. He tries to heal his bleeding knuckles but his magic doesn't work.

I wonder if this inability to use magic will become important to the plot later on?

Anton visits the treasure room and starts to make a grab bag for his new pals. His oldest brother confronts him, and tries to convince him that humans are bad.

All the fairy tale characters run amok as Anton booms around Main Street. David tries to explain about Prince James and their switcheroo at birth. But Anton takes after them anyway.

Prince James and Jack storm the giant's castle demanding all the beans.

Huh? How can they fight giants?

David surrenders to Anton before Storybrooke is smashed to bits. Anton slams his body into the ground, hoping to crush David, but he only manages to get stuck in a huge crater. David and Mary Margaret, and Grumpy (why is he there?) look down and see that the magic mushroom has worn off and now Anton's a regular guy clinging to a broken sewer pipe.

Only one thing can save this mess. Yes, that's right, the Sheriff.

Call in Schmexy!!

 

The giants fall quickly because the Jack and Jason are using poisoned swords. The oldest brother tells Anton that if the humans get the magic beans, they will take their violence to every world. Anton must destroy the beans.

David rescues Anton from the crater and Grumpy rejoices from the front of the crowd.

Jack stabs the oldest brother with her poisoned sword as James fills a bag with gold loot. The oldest brother pulls out the sword and stabs Jack. They both lie dying. James barely gives her a shrug as he scoots out with his treasure.

Anton is devastated and kneels by his brother's side. And what do you know, he gives Anton a shoot of the stalk that is capable of growing more magic beans.

Everyone takes Anton to Granny's pub/diner/laundromat, and they discuss setting him up in an apartment. Mary Margaret tells him there's no portal back to fairy tale land, and that Storybrooke is his home now. Anton looks sheepishly at David and asks if there's good farmland nearby.

Who cares? I want to know if Mr. Gold has gotten kicked off the air plane yet.

David and Mary Margaret take Anton to a field. He pauses, wondering if this is the reason Cora kidnapped him. She must want him to plant a stalk to create a port hole.

David and Mary Margaret think this is probably true, but they decide they're tough enough to handle Cora. Besides Grumpy (shockingly) shows up with the other dwarfs, all carrying their axes. They give Anton his own axe and the name “Tiny” emblazons on the handle.

Grumpy leaves us with these wise words. “The axe doesn't lie.”

Belle is visited by Greg, aka, that guy who hit Hook with his car. He confides to her that she isn't crazy because he saw the old guy with the magical ball of fire, too.

David and Mary Margaret talk about how the bean stalk will change everything. He's super excited to go back to fairy tale land, but she tells him home is where Emma decides to go.

Hmm...I sense and impasse.

Mr. Gold is a nervous flier. He grips the seat rest with a white knuckles as the flight attendant announces they'll be taking off for New York City.

Hey, do you know who lives in New York City? Well, millions of people, yes, but also Emma's ugly faced boyfriend.

Ew! If he's the grown up version of Bellfire than that means Henry is his grandson.

I don't think The Mayor will be happy about that.


 

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

The dude from ER played the oldest giant. It's nice to see him working.

The hairdo on the Nurse who gave Belle her sedative shot. She could pass for O'Brien from Downton Abbey.

Hook. He's no Schmexy but he's a nice replacement.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

Grumpy keeps showing up for no reason.

The stripper outfits the costume department kept putting on Jack.

The fact none of the giants didn't just step on James and Jack.

Once again, the Sheriff failed to ride into town on a unicorn. *Sigh*

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 10, "The Cricket Game"

Or better title, "The Crying Game"

This episode was so useless it made my eyes water.

Hook and Cora wait until darkness before entering Storybrooke.

Why does Cora have a black umbrella?

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Hook wants to take off after Rumpelstiltskin, but Cora reminds him that she has the dark magic and he doesn't, so there!

Emma and Henry walk in on Mary Margaret and David in bed. How awkward to see your parents and grandparents making out.



Janet Jackson or Evil Queen?
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The Evil Queen disguises herself as Janet Jackson, trying to hide from the rebels. Determined, she hunts down Snow White. It's a trap! The blue fairy comes out from the shadows and puts a binding spell on her.

Why didn't this happen a hundred episodes ago?

There's a party for Mary Margaret and Emma at the...you guessed it, the pub/dinner/laundromat. The Mayor arrives as a guest of Emma's. Mary Margaret and David take Emma aside and say, “This is the woman who tried to kill all of us...like all of us.”

Everyone eats the Mayor's lasagna, but no one wants to chat it up with her. The Mayor thanks Emma for the useless invite and tries to convince her let Henry have a sleepover. When Emma refuses, she gets angry, and then she gets sad, and then she apologizes again.

Emma blabs that Dr. Hopper believes she wants to change and is committed to stop using magic.

Cora and Hook watch from the top of a building, waiting for the perfect moment.

Dr. Hopper and his dalmatian have a run in with the Mayor. She spits out big words like, confidentiality. Ruby jogs by in a sweat shirt, tight jeans and useless high boots.

Jiminy Cricket tells the table of fairy tale characters that the Evil Queen will never change. Charming declares that for the better of every kingdom and land out there, they must kill her.

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Ruby spies the Mayor visiting Dr. Hopper. She begs him for another session. Hold on, the dalmatian knows something is up.

Gee, I wonder if Cora is pretending to be the Mayor?

 There's a huge plume of purple smoke. We see Dr. Hopper gag his last breath.

The dalmatian waits all night, then the next morning, he goes straight to the pub/dinner/laundromat. He finds Henry and barks a warning that Dr. Hopper has fallen down a well. Ruby uses her wolf/dog powers and follows the dog across the street.

Emma and David question the Mayor about Dr. Hopper's homicide. She's surprised since she has no idea her mother is impersonating her while she murders fairy tale characters.

As the Evil Queen walks the steps to the gallows, Jiminy asks if she has any last words. She says, “Wow, this will really teach me a lesson.”

Actually, she yells out that she regrets not being able to kill Snow White. Three archers aim, but it's useless since Snow White calls off the execution at the last second.

Emma tells David she's convinced the Mayor knew nothing about Dr. Hopper's death. She orders that they let her go, and then find the truth.

Snow White tells a very confused Charming that once the Evil Queen was Princess Regina, a horse riding, little girl saving, stable boy loving young lady. Those were a fun few days, right?

Rumpelstiltskin visits Snow White, holding the Evil Queen's execution blindfold. He laughs at the idea of rehabilitating her, but he says there is a test to determine if the Evil Queen can become good again. Snow White, takes the deal.

Dummy.

Back in Dr. Hopper's office, David realizes the Mayor's file is missing! Mary Margaret gasps at this concrete evidence. Emma, however is certain the Mayor was framed by Mr. Gold.

Forced to postpone his inside picnic with Belle, Mr. Gold suggests Emma ask the dalmatian a few questions.

How?

With magic, of course. But here's the big plot hole twist. Emma has to use magic.

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Mr. Gold pulls out a dream catcher and fills it with the dogs memories. Emma really, really, really concentrates. Suddenly we're seeing the dog's memories. The Mayor enters the office and chokes Dr. Hopper. Emma drops the dream catcher, overwhelmed by the Mayor's guilt.

That was useless.

At this point, I thought you might enjoy some James Spader eye candy.

Emma and her parents decide no usual warrant will suffice. Luckily, fairy dust is being refined as I write this.

Snow White visits the Evil Queen in her holding cell. She talks about the old Regina and urges her to leave all her evil behind in the cell. She breaks open the lock with a dagger. The Evil Queen takes two seconds before she grabs the dagger and stabs Snow White.

But the dagger is USELESS because Rumpelstiltskin made a protective spell against Snow White and Charming with a hair he took from the Evil Queen's blindfold. The Evil Queen is banished to live alone with her evil self.

Useless punishment.

Emma arrives the Mayor's house announcing plans for her arrest, plus she can use magic now, and the Mayor can't, so there!

The Mayor freaks out and a fight erupts. She escapes in a purple haze of smoke.

I'd say she's broken now.

Emma and her parents have a heart to heart about who is the worse parent. On cue, Henry gets off the school bus. Emma takes him aside to drop the bomb about Dr. Hopper's murder. The Mayor watches tearfully from her car as Henry collapses into Emma's arms.

Rumpelstiltskin visits the Evil Queen in her solitary castle. He rubs in the fact Snow White and Charming are getting married. He talks about different lands, and plants the seed for the curse that started this whole mess.

Cora returns to the dock to find Hook sulking about how he hasn't gotten his revenge on Rumpelstiltskin. Cora takes him into the ship and shows him who she's kidnapped. Someone who has all the town's secrets.

It's Dr. Hopper!

That Cora is such a smarty pants.

Stuff I liked about this episode

1. Mary Margaret's plaid skirt and camel colored cropped jacket.

Stuff I didn't like about this episode

1. Grumpy had three lines and the Blue Fairy had none!

2. Dr. Hopper's dog didn't even get a treat when he lead them to the body.

3. David is allowed to talk.

4. Sheriff Graham STILL has not returned.

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Once Upon A Time, Episode 7, Season 2, “Child of the Moon”

 

Or better title, "She's a Maneater"

Look out Storybrooke, it's Ruby's time of the month.
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The dwarfs are hard at work mining for fairy dust. Grumpy finds a tunnel that reveals a wall of diamonds. The Blue Fairy arrives in her modest, Head Nun cardigan and explains that the magic has brought back the diamonds.

You mean the magic that doesn't exist anymore?

Henry and David are super excited because they still have Jefferson's dogged eared and useless hat, but

when the dwarfs pulverise the 'magic diamonds' they'll have enough fairy dust to make it work again. And then poof! They'll ride the purple vortex to fairytale land.

Brunettes kick butt in fairytale land.
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Red and Snow White race through the forest away from the Evil Queen's guards. They hide but Red's magical cloak (that prevents her from turning into a killer wolf) is torn. Worried she'll have Snow White for a late night snack, she decides to head deep into the forest alone, but not before we see someone watching her with yellow eyes.

Do you know who was good at controlling wolves? Yes, that's right Schmexy. If he was still on the show, all their problems would be solved.

Bachelor #1
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The dwarfs celebrate at the pub/dinner/laundromat and share a few pints with the Head Nun. Ruby cleans up the tables and has a nice chat with Billy, the tow truck guy—except he's also Gus, the mouse from Cinderella.

Where is she anyway?

Billy asks Ruby out on a date, but she tells him she already has plans. Her plans, it turns out, are to be locked up in the back since this is her first full moon since the curse has been broken. She's especially frantic because her magical red cloak is missing.

David acts all fatherly and tells her not to worry because he knows she's not evil, just a nice girl with a few monthly issues.

Do you know who is evil in Storybrooke? Well, yes the Mayor, but don't forget about Spencer, also known as King George, Prince Charming's less than charming dad. He tells David that the people of Storybrooke will soon figure out he's just a Shepherd not a Prince, or a Sheriff.

Well, duh. I could have told him that.

The next morning, Granny returns to the pub/dinner/laundromat, but Ruby's cage is ripped apart and full of claw marks.

Henry is locked inside a burning castle foyer with some kind of disco floor. Aurora is across the room, hunched over—probably asleep again, the useless thing. He wakes up to find the Mayor is beside him. She explains Grandpa David had to go on a mystery call since he's the only law officer in Storybrooke. He asked her to watch over Henry since he's been having bad dreams. But Henry isn't just having nightmares...there is a burn on his hand!

Nothing bad EVER happens in the forest.
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David and Granny find Ruby sleeping under a tree in the forest. There are no entrails or bones around her, so it's all cool.

Red wakes and is relieved to see the cloak kept her human all night. But faster than you can say, “out of the blue” a guy decked out in black leather, snatches it away. Red warns him she's not safe to be around. He flashes his yellow eyes and admits he knows all about her wolf secret. He says, “I picked up on your scent last night.”

Creepy pick-up line, dude.

.

His name is Quinn, and he looks like Captain Hook's little brother.

Hmm, a hot guy in leather with sexy stubble...where have I seen this before...?

                                                                  Maybe here?

Schmexy!
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Or here?

August Wayne Booth, aka, Pinocchio.
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                                                                           Or here?

Captain Sexy Eyes
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I wonder how long it will be until this latest one is killed off?

Quinn takes Red to an underground castle where other 'children of the moon' live. A statuesque woman, named Anita, comes out of the shadows fully dressed in a leather bustier and feather earrings.

The wolves are stylin'
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Looks like somebody has Black Eyed Peas tickets!

Anita hugs Red and tells her she's her mother.

Ruby and Granny join David on his emergency call for a double parked car. Oops, it's Billy, I mean Gus's, tow truck. Red screams when she finds Gus in front of the truck...and also in the dumpster.

The Mayor asks Mr. Gold to check out Henry's 'dream burn.' Of course he has the answer, he's Mr. Gold!He talks for a bit about different worlds and how your soul can travel when you're asleep.

People, don't get hung up on the specific rules, let's not forget the guys from LOST are writing this.

Mr. Gold explains that once you learn to control something you no longer fear it. He gives Henry an amulet that will allow him to control the world he visits when he's asleep.

I would have given him with a water hose since his greatest fear is being locked inside a burning room.

David vows to help Ruby as random people from Storybrooke light torches and grumble incoherently in the background.

Hey, it's Annabeth Gish from Mystic Pizza!
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Hint, Annabeth Gish is wearing the pink t-shirt.
Mystic Pizza 1988

Anita tells Red the only way she can control the wolf is by accepting it's a part of her. Red sheds her magical cloak and gives Mom a big hug.

At her insistence, David locks Ruby in a cell, complete with double chains on the bars. Spencer strolls in threatening to lead the village people to storm the jail. Great! I love their music.

Anita begins wolf lessons with Red and soon she's running and prancing with the pack.

Spencer wastes no time in assembling his disgruntled mob, but instead of torches they have rifles. Yikes! He gives a quick speech about how Sheriff David is putting the safety of a killer ahead of the town's. They break in but Ruby's cell is empty.

Belle allows Ruby to hide inside the library.

I guess Storybrooke isn't full of readers.

Back at the wolf palace, Snow White sneaks in and tries to convince Red to continue on with her. But Red chooses to stay with her pack. Snow White understands and gives her a big best friend forever hug. Suddenly, the Evil Queen's guards storm the room, and badly miss Snow White, shooting an arrow into sexy Quinn instead.

Dear ABC,

Again? Seriously?

Ruby insists on being chained up, but Belle argues there is good inside her.

There may also still be parts of Billy inside her too, but whatever...

Ruby pulls a fake hug and chains Belle to the bookcase instead. Then she selfishly leaves the library to face the mob and get killed.

Granny and her faint wolf nose, leads David through Storybrooke on a hunt for the real killer. The trail ends at a car that contains rope and Ruby's magical cloak. David reads the registration and realizes this is Spencer's car, and this whole mess was an elaborate plot to turn the town against him.

Poor Gus.

Anita blames Quinn's death on Snow White. She orders the pack to tie up Snow White and they'll feast on her tonight.

Ew.

Anita gets her fangs on and lunges at Snow White, but Red jumps in the way, accidentally impaling Anita with a long decorative spike that happened to be pointing upwards.

I thought that was how you killed a vampire?

Anyway, Snow White puts the magical cloak back on Red. Crying, Red tells her dying mother that she may be a wolf, but she's not a murderer.

Well, unless you count pushing your mom into a spike.



Move along, nothing to see...
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The angry mob corner Ruby, now in her fur coat. David arrives and tells the villagers that Spencer is the real murderer. Then he has a nice face to snout chat with Ruby, encouraging her to control the wolf inside.

This must be something he learned from his days with the sheep. I guess David is also a wolf whisperer.

When she stops growling, he throws the magical cloak over her and she transforms back, complete with perfect makeup.

Ruby and David take off in pursuit of Spencer. They easily find him standing in front of a bonfire on the beach. He warns David he will never see his family again, and he throws Jefferson's hat into the fire.

Red buries her mother under a full moon. She tells Snow White that she couldn't choose between the two worlds, but she now considers Snow White her family.

 David watches over Henry sleeping soundly. He and Ruby talk about not giving up, and that they'll find a way to fairytale land, even without Jefferson's hat.

Aurora is back at the burning disco, but Henry is there with his amulet. He stops the fire and tells her to not be scared. Aurora wakes in a forest campsite and tells Mary Margaret and Emma about the little boy in her dream named Henry.

Predictions for next week's episode

#1. Snow White and Red find a cottage and gorge themselves on leftover porridge and break some furniture.

#2. Hansel and Gretel demand a storyline since we haven't seen them since last season.

#3. Captain Sexy Eyes decides to shave since all the clean-faced dudes last longer on the show.

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