Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 17 "Best Laid Plans"

Or better title "Kidnapping, Storybrooke Style"

What kind of drugs have the writers been taking?

Snow White and Charming are narcissistic baby-snatchers? And The Author is finally revealed to be... (prepare for disappointment).

Omen for The Charmings

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A pregnant Snow and Charming sprint through the forest landscape wearing way too much fur for such activity. They stumble upon a unicorn with a double-fisted horn. At once, both parents have visions of their child to be.

Mental Note: Unicorn horns are magical ultrasounds

Charming sees an adorable toddler version of Emma, but Snow is greeted by a teen full of angst and hormons and stuff. Immediately Snow thinks her unborn baby is evil.

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Ex-squeeze me?  Snow's step-mother is the Evil Queen. Shouldn't a mass murdering tyrant be the measuring stick. Just because teen Emma is moody and bad tempered that makes her evil?

Race To Find The Author

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Back in Storybrooke, things get stupid. Regina and Emma are puzzling over a picture of a door in the storybook. August goes unconscious or whatever and Henry suggests they take him to the Blue Fairy.

Um...remember last time the Blue Fairy helped August? She turned him back unto an eight year old boy. I don't think this woman knows any other spell.

Meanwhile, Hook catches up to the Charmings and passes along the warning Ursula told him about Mr. Gold's super sneaky evil plan to turn Emma's evil as well.

Mwahahahaha.

Emma merely shrugged because she was only in jail for like a year or something and now she's totally reformed. Then she and Hook hug while David and Mary Margaret whisper awkwardly in the corner. "OMG! She said the 'e' word! Our secret will be out!"

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Bored with this lot, Regina spends some more time with a much cooler crowd, Cruella and Malificent. They have a phone shot of the illustration of the magical door that apparently The Author is hiding behind.

How do we know this? Mr. Gold takes less than two seconds to deduct. "This page is magicked and he is trapped inside.”

What's the next step? A curse of course. One that's disguised as purple fog because no one in Storybrooke will be expecting that. It's a sleeping curse and soon everyone is knocked out.

While Storybrooke snoozes, the only people unaffected are those who have natural immunity...I guess. So Mary Margaret, David, Henry, and presumably Aurora (wherever she is) are running around town. Henry tells them he took the page with the mysterious door that the Author is trapped behind to the mysterious manor.

Because his plans always work, David decides he and Mary Margaret should use this opportunity to destroy the page to keep their dark secret from getting out.

While Cruella and Maleficent are searching for the page, Mr. Gold pays a visit to his shop to stare at an unconscious Belle.

Creep-factor!!!

Malificent gives him a judging stare, but Mr. Gold is a whiny pants and for some reason the women with all the power still do whatever he says, even though Urusula proved last episode that she can create her own happy ending without The Author.

Babies Gone Bad

Back in Fairy Tale Land, we learn that Maleficent had laid an egg while in her dragon form.

Um...wtf?

Also, Charming has taken to carrying a flask of booze with him. Remember his dad's issue? Anyway, while on the road, he and Snow encounter a peddler who gives them directions to the Sorcerer's Apprentice. I guess Snow is super concerned about having an evil teenager.

Newsflash, it's called puberty.

Snow and Charming listen as the Sorcerer's Apprentice explain that their unborn baby could grow up to be good or evil. But instead of taking parenting classes to assure they raise the baby to treat others with respect and basically be a decent human being, Snow and Charming take him up on his offer to suck all the evil out of Snow’s womb and put it in another living vessel.

Hmm...where can they find another living vessel?

Snow rationalizes that since Maleficent is evil, her 'dragon egg baby thing' will also be evil, so what's wrong with giving it a bit more evil? Charming goes along with this and they're soon breaking into Malificent's castle and snatch her baby dragon egg.

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Maleficent begs Snow not to take her child. Snow simply says, "Oh, no worries, I'll be right back." Instead, she gives the egg to the Sorcerer who not only poured all of the evil into the egg, he also prepares to send it into another dimension.

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Before you can say, baby-snatchers, a little fist breaks through the dragon egg. And I have terrible flashbacks to the episode where Grumpy hatched fully clothed.

Where is Nova, anyway?

And since Cruella and Ursulla were staying with Malificent to look after her, they rush to save the baby but are sent into the portal as well.

The Author Appears!

Back at the mysterious manor, Henry waits in front of the magical door, which is now emitting a magical light. Regina, Cruella and Maleficent bust in and demand the page from Henry.

But then Mary Margaret and David arrive to burn the page. In a flash of reason Mary Margaret slows things down and wonders if maybe they're making too many bad choices based on fear and maybe if they just told the truth from the beginning...

Anyway, Emma's all, "Whoa, you guys are baby snatchers!" But she's actually more upset with the fact they lied to her than the actual weird kidnapping scheme.

Sick of the Charmings getting all the air time, Malificent breaks up their family feud, demanding to know what happened to her child. We learn that her daughter, Lily, met Emma when they were teens. She was Emma's best friend for a day when they shoplifted together then ate ice cream and played video games for the rest of the afternoon.

But that girl wasn't evil. She had gumption! I can't wait for her to make an entrance.

Oh, and The Author? When the door was finally opened, the peddler stepped out. Before he can be cornered and forced to give anyone a happy ending, he takes out all the Charmings with this curtain rod and disappears into the night.

Too bad everyone's still asleep. 

Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 14 "Enter The Dragon"

Or better title "Hook's So Smart"

Mama's Got Work To Do

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After Regina's discussion with Mary Margaret she agrees to go undercover. She finds Ursula, Cruella, and the newly reincarnated Malificent, at Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat.

They do shooters and Regina crushes her glass to prove she's still badass.

A young Queen Regina argues with Rumpelstiltskin that he's not teaching her enough magic. Regina has found Malificent's spell book from her mother's belongings and wishes she could be that amazing.

Rumpelstiltskin says Malificent has the power to turn into a dragon because she's so patient, unlike Regina who keeps whining about waiting to learn evil magic to take down little Snow White. So in order to teach her a lesson Rumpelstiltskin sends her to Malificent's castle.

Emma is upset when she learns Mary Margaret convinced Regina to go undercover. Meanwhile, the three witches take Regina for a joyride in the Rolls Royce to reek havoc on Storybrooke.

Meanwhile, Henry uses a magnifying glass on one of the pages August added to the story book. He seems particularly interested in a picture of a door.

The next morning David and Mary Margaret find Regina hanging out by a burned out Sheriff's car. After a night of drinking and property damage Regina tells them she's discovered the three witches are in possession of something very powerful.

The three witches go back to Mr. Gold's cabin. He's intrigued to find out Regina has been with them. He stokes the fires and talks about the 'war' they're going to start in Storybrooke.

Cue evil laugh.

Revenge = Motivation

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Back in the enchanted forest, Queen Regina visits a drunken Malificent. She's got nothing to live for since Princess Briar Rose got away. The only bit of magic left is a burning tree still on fire since the last time she was a dragon. She keeps giving herself tiny increments of sleeping potion to take the edge off her miserable existence.

On her way back from Malificent's castle, Regina finds out there's going to be a Royal Wedding, Briar Rose's daughter, Aurora is getting married. She rushes back to tell Malificent and they both trade stories about how rotten their lives are because they can't get revenge. Malificent then confesses she can't turn into a dragon anymore.

Regina takes Malificient to the burning tree where she inhales all that evil magic again.

Could it be that easy?

The King comes along warning her to stay away from Aurora. Malificent does all the choreography but is unable to turn into a dragon and kill them all.

Darn.

After Malificent fails, the King takes her and Regina prisoner. But Regina starts to fight with her simple fire balls. Malificent is inspired and somehow finds the magic to become a dragon again.

Convenient!

While Aurora combs her hair before her wedding, Malificent shows up, puts her to sleep and the rest they say is history.

The Quest

Back in Storybrooke, Malificent tells Regina that she's looking for the author as well. Regina is all ears since she's eager for her happy ending. Regina runs to tell Emma and the others that the diabolical plan is to use the author to give the villains their happy endings and to take away the happiness of all the heroes.

Emma says she's going to be Regina's backup no matter what they have planned tonight.

Bring it!

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While Will and Belle share some chocolate cake, Hook arrives and tells her about the three witches' plan and wants to make sure that Belle is in possession of the dagger. Hook encourages her to get it for him so he can hide it...because everyone knows pirates are great at hiding stuff.

Malificent makes Regina pay a visit to Marco and Pinnochio. She's convinced the little boy can remember something about the author and Regina has to prove she's evil enough to make him confess.

*cough* torture *cough*

After Regina magics Marco and Pinnochio to sleep, Emma shows up and tries to convince her to stop, but Regina is determined to see this through.

Belle and Hook meet. She's worried Mr. Gold might be inside town limits and the dagger is her only protection. Hook suggests that she prove it by summoning him. She does, but no one shows up. She hands over the dagger and drives away.

Hook smiles and turns into Mr. Gold.

Smoooooth.  

Hook arrives at Mr. Gold's shop and tells Belle the dagger is well hidden and they promise to never speak of what they did. He then asks about Will. She says she'll never be over Rumpelstilskin but Will makes her smile.

Malificent takes Regina (and the kidnapped puppet) to Mr. Gold's cabin, and she sees him. When all the villains proclaim to want to find the author, Mr. Gold uses his freaky magic and turns Pinocchio back into August.

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Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 14 "Unforgiven"

Or better title "Revenge...Again"

Mary Margaret and David are feeling too guilty from their dark secret (!) to sleep. David vows to run Cruella and Ursula out of town.

A Way To Fight The Evil Queen

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Charming and Snow return from their honeymoon and find the castle is under a sleeping spell.
Malificent, Cruella and Ursula arrive and proposition them into working together to defeat the Evil Queen and her totally wicked curse that will destroy everything.

They say the Tree of Knowledge will grant them the answer, but only the valiant of heart can approach.

Snow is leery of the witches, but Charming says they have no other choice.

New Girls In Town

Storybrooke is giving Ursula and Cruella the cold shoulder. Regina tells David and Mary Margaret to play it cool since 'those two couldn't magic themselves out of a paperbag.'

Burn.

The duo make their way to the pawn shop and engage Belle in a conversation about her ex-lover. They say Mr. Gold is miserable without magic. Belle fights back the tears and Ursula manages to steal a small box.

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Henry keeps looking for clues to the author's identity of the story book. With Cruella and Ursula back in town reminding her of evil times, Regina worries she's ever going to find her happy ending. Henry and Regina discover that Pinocchio's story was written on different paper because August had taken the book apart to write his own story so that Emma would believe and be the savior.

What? *takes Tylenol*

Anyway, since August is dead, murdered by what's-her-name a few seasons ago, they intend to find Pinocchio to see if he remembers how to take apart the book.

Is There A Problem, Sheriff?

Belle alerts Emma and David that a small box had been taken from the shop. They pull over Cruella's Rolls Royce. David searches the trunk and finds a weird pink bauble thing that used to be super important to Malificent. He lies to Emma about finding nothing and lets them go.

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David finds Mary Margaret and shows her the pink bauble. Within ten seconds they figure out Ursula and Cruella are trying to resurrect Malificent, and with it, their terrible, dark, super bad secret.

They decide to break into the library's basement to grab Malificent's ashes and dump them in the harbour.

Remember when Emma killed her in one shot. Suh-weet!

While Emma is going over security footage in front of Mr. Gold's shop, Hook arrives with grilled cheese and onion rings.

Aw. He's awesome.

She quizzes him on his past relationship with Ursula. She smiles and keeps prying, but he stays tight lipped. She crosses her arms, upset he won't spill the bean. He leaves.

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Regina and Geppetto have words when she pushes Pinocchio too hard about remembering.

He's just a kid, he can't remember being a motorcycle riding, book rewriting, dude.

Into The Woods

On the trip to the Tree of Knowledge, Charming and Snow ditch the witches and find the tree first, but the tree pushes them away.

Maybe they're not as valiant as they think.

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The three witches arrive, a bit sore at being duped. Malificent figures out in three seconds that Mary Margaret is pregnant. Even though the child has the potential for great goodness, it also has the potential for great evil and that's why the tree isn't responding to them.

Logic, Storybrooke style.

Who's Sorry Now

Regina pays Geppetto a visit to apologize. He accepts, and gives her a backpack August used to own. Perhaps it will have a clue to help her with the book.

Why didn't he do that in the first place?

When Mary Margaret and David enter the basement of the library, Ursula and Cruella knock them out. Mr. Gold shows up with a knife. "You know what to do," he says, slinking away into the shadows.

Cruella cuts David and Mary Margaret and uses their blood to complete the resurrection spell. The stolen box was just a ruse to get them in the basement. Malificent takes shape in front of their eyes and promises to destroy everyone's happiness.

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Emma finds Hook and tells him lying is not cool, but she's okay with whatever he did in the past with Ursula because it has nothing to do with their relationship. "I'm going to do what my parents do. They chose to see the best in people."

Meanwhile, Mary Margaret and David are listening.

Awkward.

They say Malificent has been resurrected. Mary Margaret keeps quiet about her dark secret and instead feeds Emma this load of garbage to explain why the three witches are in Storybrooke. "We're heroes and they're villains. That's why they hate us."

Way to teach prejudice, Mary Margaret.

Baby Talk

After the failure at the Tree of Knowledge, Malificent pays Snow White a visit. She says she's pregnant as well, and they should work together to defeat the Evil Queen's curse for the sake of both their children. Snow White refuses to help because she'll never work with a villain again.

Mary Margaret meets with Regina and asks her to go under cover as a villain to undermine the three witches' plan to destroy everyone's happy ending. She tearfully asks Regina to keep her secret. Her big, big, big, secret.

This is it. Oh boy! I can't wait.

She and David are responsible for Malificent losing her baby.

*blinks*

Like losing in the forest or not being born because of the curse?

Meanwhile, Mr. Gold lurks outside the pawn shop and sees Belle kiss that Will guy.

Um. What?

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Then we see Malificent take the pink bauble from Ursula. She attaches a piece from her necklace, then shakes it like a rattle and starts to cry.

Oh dear. Revenge will be doubled this season.

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Once Upon A Time, Season 4, Episode 10 "Heroes and Villains"

Or better title "Disney or Bust"

Elsa and Anna try to leave Storybrooke but they discover that even though the ice wall is gone, Ingrid's spell on the town line is still intact, meaning that if you leave Storybrooke you can't return. Emma suggests they find a magic bean to make another portal to get them back to Arendale.

Mr. Gold and Hook discuss his diabolical plan to cleave himself from the dagger. Hook has to make sure that Anna doesn't find her way back to the pawn shop because she can't know that he's Rumpelstiltskin since his diabolical plan hinges on fooling everyone that he's a nice guy now...or something like that.

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Back in Rumpelstiltskin's castle, Belle plays snoopy snoop with all his cool stuff. He catches her, but instead of being upset he gives her his latest stolen magical item to clean, a gauntlet: A glove of armour that will find any person's weakness.

Rumpelstiltskin says, "Using someone's weakness against them is all about manipulation and power. Sometimes greatest weakness is usually always their greatest love."

Bingo! And here's the key phrase for this episode which will be repeated until we bleed. 

Mr. Gold wakes Belle and promises to take her to New York for their honeymoon. She smiles.

Phrase one of diabolical plan went off without a hitch!

Now that the Snow Queen is dead—but happily, Regina is able to transplant her boyfriend's wife's heart. Marion wakes up and hugs Robin.

Awkward.

Darn. This is too sad. There's not way this will be handled quickly.

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Oops. Never mind. Marion meets Regina at Granny's pub/diner/laudromat and basically tells Regina she's ready to step out of the picture if she and Robin really love each other.

Sweet. That was easy

Mr. Gold takes Hook to the abandoned mansion—you know, that abandoned mansion no one knew about until this season. Anyway, the magic broomstick takes them there since the house belonged to the magician assistant. Two seconds later, a portal appears.

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Henry goes to see Belle. He lets her know the town line has a spell on it so the trip to New York shouldn't happen. Belle just shrugs and says Mr. Gold will fix that speedy quick. While looking for another suitcase, Henry causes a small avalanche. And oops...she finds the gauntlet.

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Belle does laundry outside Rumpelstiltskin's castle and is soon distracted by a cute Dalmatian puppy. She follows the little critter and is soon kidnapped.

Everyone knows cute puppies work for kidnappers. What was she thinking?

Hook lets Emma know he's found a portal to Arendale! But she's suspicious because Hook is wearing different guy jewelry. 

Belle's kidnappers send a message to Rumpelstiltskin that she'll be killed if the gauntlet isn't handed over to them.

Before Regina and Robin can pick out silverware, Marion collapses with frosted eyebrows. Regina reasons the only way for Marion to live is for her to leave Storybrooke where the curse can't affect her.

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However, her son will want to go with her and that means Robin must do the honourable thing and take care of his family in the non magical world...and never come back.

Whump! There it is. 

Mr. Gold meets with Regina and encourages her to kill Marion and therefore secure her happiness with Robin. "Begin good doesn't mean good things will happen," he tells her.

Amen to that, brother.

Then he tells her he has no idea who wrote the story book. But he doesn't  care about words and pictures, he's in charge of his own destiny.

Regina gives last minute instructions to Robin as Marion and her son cross over the town line. She's instantly cured. After a sad kiss good bye with Regina, Robin crosses over too.

Regina cries, sad 'former evil queen', 'former evil mayor tears'.

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Rumpelstiltskin returns the gauntlet to Maleficent. But he's soon outnumbered by Ursula the sea witch, Cruella de Vil...plus Sid from Toy Story is there too.

Call me stupid, but isn't this getting ridiculous? Cruella de Vil? Really? When do Chip and Dale show up? Or Jack Skeleton from Nightmare Before Christmas.

Here's the crazy show down.

#1.They threaten Belle.

#2. He gives them the gauntlet.

#3. Then they disappear.

He's the DARK ONE! A simple choke hold by the sea witch was beyond his fighting capabilities?

Emma takes everyone to the mansion to check out the portal. There are long good byes. Elsa goes first followed by Kristoff, but when it's Anna's turn she asks who the 'helpful' Mr. Gold was in the enchanted forest.

When they tell her he was Rumpelstiltskin, she's like 'whoa, not the liar pants dude'. Emma figures out that maybe she shouldn't be trusting Mr. Gold.

You think?

In the clock tower, Mr. Gold has the magic hat, the dagger, and Hook's heart. He and Hook stand there while a whole lot of magic stuff happens. Emma and Mary Margaret arrive to stop the proceedings, but he freezes them.

He starts to crush Hook's heart, but he can't. Belle shows up and she's holding the dagger...the real dagger. She commands him to take her to the town line.

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Belle explains she found the gauntlet and now realizes he'd never give up power for her. "I lost my way trying to help you find yourself. I used the gauntlet and it led me to the real dagger."

Mr. Gold begs her to understand, but she commands him to leave Storybrooke.

"I don't want to lose you," he cries.

"You already have," she answers.

Burn.

Mr. Gold crosses the line and collapses, crying out her name. Belle can see him from her side and walks away.

Cruel, man. But awesome at the same time.

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Back in Arendale, Anna and Elsa have reclaimed the memories of their two aunts. Anna is dressed for her wedding, and it's all sunshine and rainbows.

Emma performs Hook's heart transplant. He recovers quickly and gives her a big kiss.

Regina drowns her sorrows in a cup of coffee. Emma arrives and they start downing shots. Emma tells her she did the right thing by letting Robin leave. Henry arrives out of breath, saying he found something big. He takes them back to the magician's abandoned mansion. He shows them a secret room...a secret library.

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Quick, call Belle. She loves to read.

They discover all of the books are blank. Henry says these are all potential storybooks. Regina figures this is the house of the author of the original storybook and maybe, just maybe she can get a happy ending.

Six weeks later in New York City...

Mr. Gold visits an aquarium. And guess who works there? It's Ursula, the sea witch. He convinces her they should join forces and try to find someone called, the author.

Why is she in New York?

Anyway, he's convinced her to join him, plus they'll get the other two. I'm guessing Cruella de Vil will be at the animal shelter and Malificent will be at the reptile exhibit or something.

Who was the MVP for tonight's episode?

#1. Belle

#2. Henry

#3. Regina

Share your vote in the comments!

Check out all my other Once Upon A Time recaps here!