The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 9, "The Women Tell All"

Or Better Title, "The Women All Cry."

 

Each of the past contestants sit in front of a live studio audience to finish the fights they started on the show. One by one the girls sit with the Host to 'vent' their feelings.
 

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It's Tierra time! She tell us she's now engaged and has an obnoxiously huge diamond.

*cough* fake *cough*

Something seems to be missing though...oh right, she forgot her sparkle at home. Here's her best crazy quote of the night to one of the many girls who still hate her, “I'm not calling you a liar, I'm saying that you lied.”

Dear Tierra,

This is a prime time family show, keep that eyebrow under control!

Love ABC

 

The Host brings Sarah up to the stage where she has to watch her last farewell on the huge monitor. That was such an awkward dumping scene. She barely gets three seconds into her montage before the tears started. So she's crying on tape, and she's crying on stage.

She explains being let go by Sean was like him saying, “You're great, but you're not good enough for me.”

Dear Sarah,

We prefer the term, 'rose ceremony'.

Love ABC

Desiree is up next. And we're treated to even MORE past video shots of them making out. How do the other girls feel about having to watch this? Can you say, 'salt in the wound?'

Desiree cries on stage as she watches herself cry in the limo. But she pulls it together and tells the Host, “I didn't expect to fall for Sean, so that was a huge surprise. Next time I won't let my thoughts get the best of me.”

Dear Desiree,

I can understand how your thoughts would confuse you, they confuse me, too. Also, you signed up for a show where the guy might propose at the end.

Love ABC

AshLee arrives with her new blond extensions. Again the other girls are treated to shots of AshLee making out with Sean. Then finally the crushing good bye scene. She confidently says, “Okay this guy doesn't want me, I have to move on.”

Dear AshLee,

Moving on means not showing up for 'The Women Tell All' show.

Love ABC

Sean is brought out to the stage and the audience of women scream like he's Sheriff Graham. Sensing they need some conflict to make things interesting, The Host invites AshLee to join them. Sean gives her a warm hug and compliments her on her hair, which secretly means, “You're hotter than I remember.”

Awesome hair is the best revenge.

Sean tells her she was always the front runner for him, except he needed someone who could create a family with lots of laughing. And sadly, AshLee doesn't make him laugh enough.

AshLee confronts him about all the future talk they did the night before the rose ceremony. He replies, “The only way you'll understand if you're in the same situation.”

Then she drops a bombshell that he told her he had 'nothing going on' with the other two girls. There's lots of oohs from the audience. Sean turns fire engine red and denies EVER saying that to her. 

Dear Sean,

Man up, dude.

Love ABC

We're treated to some off camera dialogue between AshLee and Sean. He still denies what he said, but there is definitely some chemistry still there.

We are forced to watch the stupid blooper reel. My favorite was when Sean couldn't open the bottle of wine and AshLee had to take it from him and do it herself.

You'd think with the amount of wine consumed during the show, he'd be able to do it with his teeth.

At this point I stopped watching, sorry. The Host was promising more footage of Sean kissing the last two while he teases us with details that he's maybe engaged and definitely thinking about falling in love. Definitely.





 

The Bachelor, Season 17, Episode 7 "Bikinis and Bawling"

My curiosity is killing me! Sean has taken the girls mountain climbing, roller derby skating, polar bear ice swimming...what's next, alligator wrestling?

Nope, the contestants are going to St. Croix.
 

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Sean takes AshLee out for the first solo date. She takes this opportunity to give him the low down on Tierrable.

Uh-oh. We all know what happens to girls to bad talk Tierra, right?

Ashlee and Sean enjoy a private beach party and shockingly there's lost of  wine but no food. AshLee lets out a skeleton and tells Sean she got married when she was seventeen. But it's okay because they were divorced by her senior year.

Sean is unfazed by this news and they make out. She tells him that she loves him, over and over again.

He says, “You're amazing.”
 

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Sean and Tierra go shopping the next day and they have a super fun time buying jewelry and watching parades. They dance, they laugh, they make out.

Sean says, “She's a blast to be with, she has such a great personality.”

Finally Sean asks Tierra how things are going in the house.

Tierra says, “No matter how hard I try, the girls just don't accept me. But I'm not worried about them, because those girls aren't going to be around for long.”

There's another night beach party. Tierra tells him, “I feel like I'm behind in this game.”

Yup. It's a game.

Sean instantly feels guilty that he let AshLee's information dampen his regular date persona.

Tierra tells the camera, “I can't believe one of those girls threw me under the bus!”

Actually they just want to push you in front of one.

Tierra tells Sean that she's falling in love with him.

He realizes that she's having a hard time with the other girls in the house, but he's cool with it because when it's just the two of them, it's all good times.

Sean is taking Lindsay, Catherine and Desiree on their date...at 4AM. The girls barely have time to wax their bikini regions before he takes them away in his jeep. The watch the sunrise, but before anyone gets too rested, Sean piles them back into the jeep and they do a road trip. The plan is to get to the other side of the island to see the sunset.

Aw. It would be romantic if it wasn't a contest.

They finally reach the other beach. There's a blanket and pillows, and you guessed it...wine. Sean suggests they all go swimming.

Cue the bikini shots.

All the girls know it's important to have their alone time with Sean...while the other two watch from the tent.

Lindsay uses her time to talk into his mouth with her tongue...a lot.

Catherine confides to Sean that her dad suffers from depression and he now lives in China. I have to say, with all the stuff the girls throw at Sean, he always says something nice and genuine. And that maybe...oh never mind, they're making out.

Desiree tears up when she talks about how much she loves her family and how much she wants Sean to meet them.

If I were Desiree's sister, I'd never have let her go on the show.

Sean gives the rose to Lindsay.

Go team tongue.

Sean takes Leslie on the solo date to some ruins.

Leslie tells the camera, “I've watched this show for years and I've always thought those girls were fools. Well now I'm one of those fools.”

Word.

Sean says, “Leslie is nervous, I mean we haven't even kissed yet.”

Seriously. Hasn't she watched the show?

What Sean doesn't know is that Leslie is trying to figure out if she should tell him that she loves him or not. In the end, she decides to make out with him instead.

Sean's sister shows up and I think she'll be able to give him some advice until Sean tells us that she was the one who signed him up for the show.

I would never put anyone I cared about on this show. EVER.
 

 

Tierra confronts AshLee and it quickly turns into both woman talking at each other with lots of finger pointing.

Tierra's defence is, “I can't control my eyebrow!”

I predict Sean is going to have to propose to Tierra because the producers will never let him send her home.

Sean arrives to find Tierra in tears. Well... more like fake tears. “I have such a big heart," she sniffs. "This is so hard for me.”

And let's not forget about the uncontrollable eyebrow.

Sean confides to us with a heavy sigh, “This is turning into a nightmare.”

And knowing is half the battle.

Sean explains to Tierra that he was bringing his sister to meet her, but because she's so emotional...again, and having mental breakdowns every day, that perhaps it's best for her to go home now.

The producers boo in the background.

Tierra's parting words are, “I hope the girls got what they wanted.”

Yup.

She wipes away her fake tears and proudly exclaims, “And nobody will take my sparkle away.”

I bet anti-psychotic drugs could.

It's time for the rose ceremony. Sean arrives and confides to the girls that Tierra had been sent home. The Host does the tough math for us and tells us that since there are only three roses for four girls, that one of them will be going home.

Leslie does not get a rose. She leaves us with these words of wisdom, “Rejection sucks.”

What does Sarah think of all this?

 

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 6 "O CANADA!"

Lake Louise, September 2011
photocredit, Bethany Myers

The girls are being whisked away to Lake Louise in Banff National Park in Alberta, CANADA.

I was there two years ago with my family (see above photo) and it is absolutely gorgeous. Lake Louise is named after the Princess Louise Caroline Alberta (1848-1939), the fourth daughter of Queen Victoria, and the wife of John Campbell, the 9^th Duke of Argyll, who was the Governor of Canada from 1878 to 1883.

But the girls don't have time to bother with silly trivia. There's lip gloss to apply, damn it!

Sean takes Catherine on the one on one date. He makes her wait on a glacier until he finally shows up, driving a giant snow bus.

Real gentlemen don't let their dates shiver in the cold.

Things get stupid when they pull out a sled in the near blizzard conditions. They have a romantic cup of hot chocolate and try kissing. Remember that scene from A Christmas Story when the kids tongue stuck to the pole?

They dine inside an ice castle—well...I mean they drink, but again there's no food.

Catherine tells Sean she has a serious side, and because she lost a friend at the age of twelve this of course has led her to being on reality TV. Then they smile and laugh and make out.

Sean takes a few girls on a group date...including Tierra.

What hilarious hijinks are to follow?

Sean makes the girls canoe across Lake Louise.

Here's a tip girls, you don't step into the canoe until it's in the water.

They manage to make it across the lake and he drops the bomb that they have to go swimming in the freezing water. But it's perfectly safe because there are life guards and a trained paramedic waiting to restart your heart with a defibrilator...just in case.

Selma says, “Call me a princess but I don't think risking my life for a rose is necessary.”

No, it's called smart. Ten points for Selma.

They get in their bikinis and the squealing begins. There is five seconds of swimming and everyone is back on the beach and high fiving each other like they've done something.

Tierra starts to shake and says she can't breathe. The emergency team bundle her up and rush her back to the hotel speedy quick.

I'm sure she'll be all better by the time drinks are ready to be served. She also didn't have to take a canoe ride back.

OMG. She is wearing oxygen via nasal prongs and is shoving a big mac in her face while someone helps put on her socks.

This show is sooooo stupid.

Sean visits her and says, “You keep finding ways to get one on one with me.”

He tells her to stay at the hotel while he takes the other girls out for supper.

I'm predicting a miraculous recovery.

WHERE ARE THE DRAGONS?

This stupid episode would be so much better with dragons.

Leslie and Sean cuddle because when Sean takes the girls out for supper it means having make out sessions between rounds of drinks.

Sean tells her, “I appreciate you so much.”

Danger phrase.

Leslie tells the camera, “We have the connection, the chemistry, and the passion. It's like the perfect recipe for the best relationship.”

Or herpes.

Sarah shows Sean a few of her family pictures and I think she is way too sweet to be on this show.

Tierra pulls out the oxygen prongs and puts on the dazzle.

The producers rub their hands in anticipation.

It's convenient how the girls have been drinking and talking about Tierra when she walks in—almost like it's scripted! But that's crazy because this is reality television.

Sean arrives and immediately whisks her away.

She is *lightning clap* The Tierrorist.

Sean cuddles with her for awhile, then he gets a little time in with Lindsay. They don't say anything but a lot of tongue action is going on.

Lesley gets the date rose and The Tierrorist doesn't like that at all.

Sean takes Sarah aside and I'm guessing the limo of tears is pulling up to the hotel. He says he doesn't want her to sit through a rose ceremony waiting to find out what he's already decided.

Sarah has to go back into the room and say good bye to the girls. Sean's cruelty knows no bounds.

I've begun to notice that when the girls cry the music tempo picks up. I wonder what would happen if the mixed up the slow guitar make out music and the crying music?

Sean takes Desiree on the solo date.

Daniella asks the camera, “Why is he taking Desiree on a second date when I haven't even been on one? What is Sean looking for?”

He's looking for more time with Desiree, dummy.

They repel down the face of a rock and Desiree keeps reminding us that it's steep. They get to the bottom and have a picnic composed mostly of booze, I'm guessing.

Yup, two wine bottles.

Desiree confides to Sean that she grew up with very little money—her family lived in a tent for a few months at one point. He gives her the rose and I really wish the camera would STOP zooming in on their mouths.

At the rose ceremony Sean tells all the girls that he's had a great week in Canada, and it's cleared his head from all the doubt he had last week.

Go Canada Go!

This is a picture of me enjoying the view of Jasper National Park on the Columbia Icefield Highway.

 

 

Selma has decided that she's going to make her mom upset by kissing Sean on national television.

Relax mom, it's pretty tame. They didn't even play the guitar music.

Lindsay tells him that she isn't going to kiss him this time. She giggles and says, “This is hard.”

*giggles*

They trade two questions and then start to make out.

AshLee asks Sean to blindfold her as a way of giving him control over her, and trusting him. I think he would have been happy with a simple make out session. Sean leads her to a bench where they can make out.

Shocking.

The last rose available is between Tierra, Daniella, and Selma.

He gives it to Tierra. And the producers cheer!

Selma is composed, but Daniella falls apart. To be honest, I don't even know how she got past the first ceremony.

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 5 "Montana is Tierrable"

The girls are super excited when the host tells them their world wind tour of love with Sean is finally beginning!

Where are they going? Paris? Venice? Shanghai?

Nope. Montana.

Still, the girls clap and cheer like it's the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right.

Sean flies over Montana and says, “I can't wait for the women to get here.”

Said every guy, in every bar, everywhere.

Lindsay is picked for the one on one date.

Sean takes Lindsay outside where a helicopter is waiting for them.

Lindsay says, “Is that a helicopter?”

Lindsay is a teacher—in case you've forgotten.

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They take a tour of Glacier National Park. They land and have a private picnic. There's no food, of course, but lots of booze. A lone guitar player begins in the background when they start to make out.

Lindsay tells us, “I'm feeling so blessed, we can't stop kissing each other.”

Sean says, “I want to see if I can go deeper with Lindsay tonight.”

Gracious.

Lindsay opens up about her upbringing as an army brat.

This works for Sean and more kissing happens, he also gives her the rose. Then he takes her outside for a private concert where they dance on a platform, surrounded by the towns people who may have been promised gift bags if they showed up.

I fast forwarded until the next commercial break.

Sean takes the girls on a group date. They show up with loads of lips gloss and big hair. They have to go through a bizarre wilderness obstacle course to earn more time with Sean.

This may shock you, but none of the girls know how to paddle.

I'm not sure what's going through Sean's mind as he watches the girls milk the goat. The losing team is carted away as Sean celebrates a champagne toast with the winners.

Sean is majorly bummed that the girls had to leave, so he bends the rules and invites all the ladies for good, happy, special times.

They frantically change out of their drinking pyjamas into their drinking dress up clothes.

When Desiree finds out she chugged goat's milk for no reason, she gets all misty eyed.

Daniella says, “This is not a competition. This is about him finding his wife.”

Oh, Daniella. You say the funniest things.

Tierra isn't happy that she's missing all the good, happy, special times. She puts on her boots that were made for walking, and started hunting the city for Sean. She even puts on a plaid shirt one of the girls from the blue team left behind.

Tierra tells him, “I need to see the guy I'm dating. I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you.”

Um...you and Daniella know you're on a show, right?

Sean says, “I don't know what to make out of Tierra, but I have eight other girls to spend time with.”

 

All the girls tell Sean they just adore him, and they want more one on one with him...blah...blah...blah...

*cue the lone guitar player as the making out continues*

Daniella starts to cry when she sees Sean happily making out with another girl who isn't her.

When she finally sees Sean for her one on one time, she starts to cry.

Paging Dr. Daniels...Dr. Jack Daniels.

Sean gives her some tongue therapy and she's all better.

Gag. Barf. Gross.

But all that crazy emotional crap works and she gets the rose.

Tierra and Jackie prepare to go on a two on one date with Sean. This means only one girl will stay. There's so much animal print and bangles going on it's like a blast from the 80's.

Jackie uses her one on one time with Sean to bad mouth Tierra. All three have a relaxing dinner as Sean squirms while the girls throw dagger eyeballs at each other. Again, NO ONE EATS.

Tierra says to Sean, “I'm scared because I have the biggest heart.”

Sean gives the rose to Tierra, and the producers cheer in the back room. Jackie cries in the back of the limo as Tierra snuggles close to Sean as fireworks go off above them.
 

It's time for the rose ceremony/cocktail party.

Desiree tells him, “I don't know what you're giving other girls.”

Hint, it's the tongue.

Tierra says, “I want to punch all those girls in the face.”

Desiree says, “I don't know what's going on in her head.”

Careful what you wish for...

A few of the girls confront Tierra. I fast forward because chicks high on vodka in a contest for a guy they only met three weeks ago make no sense.

Meanwhile, Sean wanders the chalet, looking for a woman who isn't fighting to make out with. He takes Tierra aside.

She says, “It's frustrating for me because I am such a nice girl, but nobody likes me.”

Sean is antsy because he hasn't had a lot of opportunity to make out with everyone.

Sean talks to the Host about how his needs haven't been met with all the Tierra drama.

Robin didn't get a rose. She stayed strong in the limo, but then she did the 'face cover sob'.

Here's the worst part though, there's another episode tomorrow night.

*Dies inside*

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 4 "Chicken dinner, you're NOT a winner!"

 

Sean says, “All I need to focus on are my individual relationships with each of the girls.”

Like making out with each of them, right?

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He chooses Selma for the first solo date.

“I finally get to open up to Sean,” Selma says. “And then move it to the next level, and then we can have babies.”

*Prays for their future babies*

“I just really want a date,” Leslie, the poker dealer cries.

There are other ways, Leslie.

Selma says, “I don't have clue what I'm doing today.”

Or any day...probably.

Then she adds, “There's a private jet and a red carpet. Is every date going to be like this?”

No, never again. Ever.

Sean takes Selma to the desert for rock climbing.

Selma says, “I'm not good in heat at all.”

Really? Cause you look like you've been in heat since the beginning of the show.

The long laborious climb begins, with gratuitous cleavage shots. Thank heavens for fast forward.

They celebrate with champagne at the top and Sean says, “Let's see where this night takes us.”

I'm guessing to the hot tub.

Sean likes to end every solo date on a bed with a bucket of champagne. Anyone notice no one eats on this show? There's plenty of booze, though.

Sean tell us, “I want to spend the rest of my life with one person.”

But until then, of course, he'd like to make out with all the chicks on the show.

Not Selma though, because she has a rule about NOT making out with guys on national TV.

Does ABC know this? How did she get on the show? I thought that was a prerequisite.

The group date is roller derby. What genius thought this up? I hope they have 911 on speed dial.

 

 

Sean says, “This is going to be interesting to watch because you're all such sweet girls.”

I guess he hasn't been watching the nanny cam in the mansion.

Amanda is totally showing up all the girls, because all serial killers can roller skate. Then she takes a tumble and pulls a Tierra. The medics shows up, Sean hovers, but nothing is really wrong and the contest continues.

Sean takes the girls in their micro-mini dresses to ANOTHER private rooftop restaurant that serves only booze.

Tierra has a hard time adjusting to sharing Sean. She asks the producers if she can leave.

She says, “Sean's a great guy but why am I here?”

Amen.
 

Meanwhile Sean is heading to the hot tub with the substitute teacher. Tierra interrupts them and voices her concerns that she's losing her mind, but still wants to hang around to find out if she gets a rose. Sean channels his inner Emily, and says the right things to make her smile and giggle.

He's just a gigolo, and everywhere he goes, people know the part he's playing...

Tierra gets the rose.

Well played, freak.

Sean says, “I want to see where this goes, because I'm crazy about you.”

It's good that you like crazy, Sean.

Leslie, the poker dealer who was crying earlier, gets the next solo date. And a pair of diamond earrings are part of the clue. She squeals, "This is just like Pretty Woman! It's my favorite movie.”

Oh God! It's worse than I thought.

Sean takes Leslie shopping on Rodeo Drive. Leslie talks again about Pretty Woman. Does this mean Sean is going to pimp her out on the corner?

Leslie tries on a lot of dresses. When Sean sees the one he likes, she says, “Chicken dinner! It's a winner.”

Then they go try on diamond necklaces. But she's been set up. Sean needed to do all this fancy crap to see if there was even an inkling of romantic attraction between them. Leslie doesn't get a rose, but she gets to keep the earrings.

Chicken dinner...is what you'll be eating tomorrow night.

There was a live band but I fast forwarded that part.

It's time for the rose ceremony/make-out fest. And the lip gloss and eye shadow mean serious business.

Tierra says, “I'm just focusing on me. I came here to win this.”

And by 'this', you mean, Sean?

Sean tells the camera, “I can read Tierra and I know she's here for the right reason.”

See above.

There's more kissing with girls, and the loan guitar plays in the background.

After a make out session, one of the girls says, “It can only go up from here.”

*giggles at obvious pee-pee joke*

At the end of the rose ceremony, Amanda is the only one not holding a rose.

I blame the terrible shade of lipstick she chose.