Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 12 "Souls of the Departed"

Or better title, "Your Questions Are Pointless"

The mid-season premiere opens with Emma waking up in her yellow bug. Neal pops up from the backseat and explains this is his happily ever after and he's totally content to live in the abandoned amusement park by himself.

Instead of embracing her former true love she tells Neal she's going to the Underworld to rescue Hook. There's a little awkward stepping around the fact she didn't consider doing the same with Neal.

Anyway, he warns her not to go.

Emma, her parents, Regina, Mr. Gold, and Henry arrive in the Underworld and it looks just like Storybrooke...except everything is filmed through a red lens and everyone has shifty eyes.

Emma is full and questions and so am I? Why does the Underworld look exactly like Storybrooke?

But Mr. Gold says, "Your questions are pointless."

True, dat. This is OUAT after all. 

In a flashback to the Enchanted forest, the Evil Queen confronts a group of villages who won't give away the hiding place of Snow White. Then she returns to her castle and complains to her dad about how her birthday stinks bigtime.

Back in the Underworld we learn that Cora is in charge.

Although, didn't Regina take out all the darkness of her heart and give it back to her? Why hasn't she moved on like Neal?

Meanwhile at Underworld Granny's, Mary Margaret is kissed passionately by David, except it turns out it's his twin, James.

This is AWESOME!!! I can only imagine the twists and shenanigans we'll be enjoying now that rascally, James is in town. But instead of building up that fun story line, we have to listen to Cora painfully explain to Regina that she has to high tail it out of the Underworld or Cora will be forced to start burning people to death.

Um...what? Why? How can you burn people who are already dead?

Back at the Underworld Pawn Shop, Mr. Gold runs into Peter Pan. This is great news because I loved these two battling it out. And now that Henry is a bit older since the last time they met, the dynamics will be interesting to watch.

Instead, Pan hands over a random vial of potion to Mr. Gold that lets people talk to the dead once it's poured over their graves.

Why would people have graves in the Underworld if they're walking around the Underworld?

Speaking of graves, Mr. Gold meets Emma at Hook's tombstone. Apparently the Underworld is no match for a famous pirate who used to be the Dark One. And of course, the potion doesn't completely work and they can only see Hook, not speak with him.

Don't look too long at this gif, it will cause seizures.

However, Regina has better luck over her dad's grave...

How come the potion worked for him?

For a character that's had hardly any mention in the last four seasons, Henry Senior gets several monologues! He tells Regina not to leave the Underworld, but to stay and help her friends.

Meanwhile in the flashback, Cora has somehow out magicked herself from Wonderland and steals Snow White's heart. She then gives this token to Regina as a birthday present. But when Regina watches Snow White through the magic mirror, she doesn't die while Regina squeezes the enchanted heart, instead one of the guards collapses.

It seems Henry switched enchanted hearts.

Okay, WTF, people? Henry also has the ability to rip out hearts?!?

Miffed that her only birthday present turned out to be a dud, Evil Regina shrinks her dad and puts him in a box. Then she banishes Cora back to Wonderland, maybe for good this time, who knows? However, Cora grabs the little box containing little Henry.

But then, when Regina banished Cora back to Wonderland, Cora took Regina's dad with her.

Back in the Underworld, even though Regina's parents are giving her opposite advice, they keep explaining what will happen although I'm not entirely sure what is going on. Why will Cora be forced to burn people?

I wonder what Neal is doing in the abandoned amusement park?

Anyway, when Regina decides to stay in the Underworld, the fire around her dad disappears and a bridge to heaven appears for Henry senior to ascend. There was a touching moment when Henry junior meets Henry senior. But this whole point felt forced and I didn't enjoy it as much as the usual
'Regina epiphany' moments.

And then we're left with this cliffhanger...

Darn. New villain for Mr. Gold and Emma and Regina to make a temporary alliance to defend. Just like last season...and the season before that...and the season before...


Which villain are you hoping to see the next episode?

Once Upon A Time, Season 5, Episode 4 "Broken Kingdom"

Or better title "Disney Princess in Peril"

My face, during most of this episode.

The writers could have had so much fun with the epic love story of Guinevere and Sir Lancelot...well, they didn't because this is Storybrooke and magical devices and out of context storylines from the past take president.

We learn that Arthur and Guinevere grew up together as orphans.

Parent abandonment is a popular theme on Once Upon A Time.

Anywho, fast forward to adulthood and Arthur is a workaholic who has no time for his lady, enter Lancelot who has an instant connection with Guinevere.

That escalated quickly.

Dagger Danger

Back six weeks ago in Camelot, Charming realized Emma's dagger is the missing piece to Excalibur. Charming wants to give it to King Arthur since they're all good buddies and all, but Snow White says, "Seriously? Then our baby daughter will be under his control and he wants to kill the Dark One. Do the math, moron!"

They argue and Regina watches in stunned delight.

Love Triangle


Five years ago Camelot (still with me?), Guinevere uses Merlin's Gauntlet (magical object for this episode) in order to locate the dagger because it's Arthur's greatest weakness. Lancelot goes with her and they uncover a giant manhole cover that's obviously the Dark One's Special Hidey Hole.

Stairs spiral downward. They look for the dagger, but the darkness starts attacking Lancelot! Guinevere saves him and from that moment on they both know they're hot for each other.

When they try to take the dagger, Rumpelstiltskin shows up and gives Guinevere a vial of magical glitter that can make anything broken look fixed.

That's not random at all. *heavy sarcasm*

Meanwhile, Hook is starting to get all ordery and jerkish to Emma. Rumpelstiltskin watches with his judgy face time.

Stupid Plan...

Okay, back in the time machine folks, six weeks ago in Camelot, Arthur followed Snow White and Charming and found them cavorting with Lancelot talking in whispers about hiding the dagger! Arthur pops out and says, "Ha! I fooled you suckers, prepare to die!" He forces Snow White to hand over the dagger but when he tries to summon Emma it doesn't work because the dagger was a fake...all along.

Lancelot is unimpressed. He says, "Seriously. We wasted so much of this episode on your stupid fight scenes."

Guinevere shows up and blows the magical 'Fix It' power (that was convenient) and erases everyone's memories or brain washes them or something like that.

Snow White and Charming talk like they're hypnotized and demand Regina to hand over the dagger to King Arthur.

She's like, "You two boobs had one job to do..."

Also, Lancelot gets dragged to the dungeons. And guess who's already there?

Then Emma takes Merida and ties her to the front of her yellow bug. I'm guessing this is the 'act of bravery' she's going to force on Mr. Gold to make him a pure hero, or something like that.

Honestly, with all the money this series is making, the wig could have been better quality than the local Halloween shop.


Who was the MVP?

#1. Rumpelstiltskin's judgy face

#2. Merida's wig

#3. The yellow VWB

Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 3 "Siege Perilous"

Or better title "Charming Finds A Mushroom"

Going on a Quest

While searching Merlin's lab, Regina finds a book and concludes that a magic mushroom (yes, that's right) will help them talk with the tree version of the wizard.

Why don't they just look for a spell that will turn Merlin back into a man?

Prince Charming volunteers to find the mushroom because he's been a side character for so long and basically has no conflict with anyone Zzzzz...huh? Oh, sorry I drifted off writing about Prince Charming.

King Arthur joins him on this quest and takes no time in spilling the beans about Sir Lancelot and Queen Guinevere's affair. Then Charming drops the bomb that Sir Lancelot (the knight of the fairest heart) is dead.

Remember that episode when Charming's evil dad tricked Snow White into drinking a potion that made her unable to have babies?

Then this random knight arrives with King Arthur's 'trunk of wonder' which is full of magical stuff they've stolen collected on their travels...including the Eternal Flame that helps light the way through the forest.

Charming sets off with King Arthur, they find the mushroom and Charming has to battle a few headless knights, but alas, during the battle—which King Arthur did nothing—Charming loses the mushroom.

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No worries, though because when they return to Camelot, King Arthur makes Charming a knight because "the quest is what really matters, not the finding."

Huh? Tell that to the tree waiting for its magic mushroom.

At this point Snow White takes a break from Charming getting all the attention and wanders into the hallway. She is surprised to see Sir Lancelot since he died a few seasons ago. Lancelot tells her the Dark One isn't the one to be feared—it is King Arthur who poses the greatest threat.


How to Love 'The Dark One'

Meanwhile in Storybrooke, Belle wanders the pawn shop looking for something that once belonged to Mr. Gold BEFORE he was the Dark One (it's needed for a super duper healing spell).

Across the street Hook wanders into Granny's pub/diner/laundromat like most characters do and chats up Robin a bit. Granny then plunks down a bag of take out and tells him Emma wants to meet him on his ship.

He's like "What, I'm just at her beck and call or something? I was a pirate for frig's sake."

Granny said, "Dude, what choice do you have? She's the Dark One. That'll be $20 for the lunch, by the way."

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When he arrives on his ship, Emma magically appears with the pretense that they could 'just talk.' Hook sits down at their little picnic, grimacing at her 'Sandy' from Grease outfit from their first date.

Personally, I prefer the powered wig version with dark magic.

There's a lot of talk about Dark Ones and loving Dark Ones and how Belle loves Mr. Gold...blah, blah, blah...where is this going? Hook talks about how Mr. Gold was a coward before he was the Dark One and that he, Hook, was the villain in that case when he put his sword to his throat and threatened his life.

Tired of this trip down memory lane, Emma finally says, "Do you love me or what?"

"I loved you," he says, emphasizing the past tense.

Hmm...guess who feels threatened by a strong woman? Plus, who is sailing the ship??

Pickup Truck Death Match

Through bizarre coincidental random police work, David finds the magic mushroom in the camp the medieval characters have set up in the forest. King Arthur tells him a magic bean is missing from his  'trunk of wonders'.  This results in a pick-up truck/horseback riding chase scene that should have resulted in a messy death for the dud on the horseback.

Instead he's knocked unconscious and ends up in the jail cell of the ALWAYS empty Sheriff's office.

Why do these people keep leaving prisoner's un guarded?

King Arthur comes in and it's clear the random knight stole the mushroom under his instructions. Not only that, but he swallows a deadly poison that King Arthur brought all in the name of saving Camelot.

If that's not confusing enough, Belle realizes the rose in her jar is thriving. That must mean Mr. Gold is getting better. When she rushes to the store, he's not there.

I guess she should have stayed at his bedside since he was dying instead of going out for Granny's pie.

It turns out Emma has Mr. Gold in her basement! She has the sword from Hook's ship he used against Mr. Gold when he was wimpy Mr. Rumpelstiltskin. She uses it to bring Mr. Gold out of his coma.

A-ha! That's what she wanted from the ship, not lasagna.

When he wakes, she tells him she's going to turn him into the purest hero ever so he can pull Excalibur out of the stone.

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Okay, this last two minutes was the best part of this episode.

Who was tonight's MVP?

#1. Random knight who only got three lines before he died

#2. Magic Mushroom

#3. Granny's lasagna

Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 2 "The Price"

Or better title "Whiplash"

Buckle your seatbelts because this episode did more time travel than Mary McFly.

Storybrooke Runs Amok

The dwarfs are a bit freaked about Emma being the Dark One. They race to the town limits desperate to escape, but when Dopey crosses the line he turns into a tree, firmly rooted in the asphalt.

There goes that plan.

In a bid to break the curse over Emma, Hook goes to Mr. Gold's shop and asks Belle why the power of true love's kiss can't help him get Emma back. Belle says something about power and darkness and whatever...and I lose focus because she's not really saying anything. Then she leaves him with this gem. "It's far easier to hate a Dark One than to love one."

*epic eye roll*

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Henry tries his best to get used to his mom's new look. Emma feels bad because he feels bad, but not bad enough to tell him why she erased everyone's memories. "Hey, it's just part of the curse," she explains.

Regina shows up and they go all 'mean girls' and Emma drops a hint that something super bad is coming to Storybrooke and only a true savior can save the town.

Regina mumbles, "Stupid savior...whatever."

Meanwhile across town, King Arthur and two of his hot knights ride horseback down Main Street. He doesn't have Excalibur anymore and is also clueless to the last six weeks. They quickly find Mary Margaret and Davie who confesses that Emma is the Dark One who caused this mess.

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King Arthur doesn't waste time and suggests, "No worries, just use the dagger against the Dark One!"

"She has the dagger."

"We're screwed."

Savior Swap

We flashback to Camelot as Emma and Regina meet Queen Gueneviere. King Arthur then escorts takes them to his courtyard where he shows them a tree in which Merlin is trapped. He says, "Step forward savior..."

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Emma is about to step forward, but Regina takes her place in order to keep Emma's true identity as the Dark One a secret. Emma knows she can't use her magic because it will be dark and she'll lose control because her inner darkness loves the power too much, baby.

Regina's like, "No problem, I've got this."


Regina's Woes

Storybrooke turns into a refugee camp for lost characters from Camelot. Regina and Robin have a heart to heart about how know no one thinks she can save the town.

I smell low self-esteem.

Meanwhile, Queen Guinevere reunites with King Arthur, and she's upset to learn that he's lost Excalibur.

David pipes up like the nosy eavesdropper he is and says, "If it's here, we'll find your sword."

Before I can change the channel, a black skeleton thing swoops in from above and takes Robin away.

Across town, Emma invites Hook to her new Dark One pad. She gives him a drink and says, "Hey, just because I'm the Dark One doesn't mean we can't still be together."

He's cool with it and they start to make out, but then he steps back and oh-uh, Emma still has weird hair and eyebrows. Geez kids, it looks like true love's kiss didn't break the curse.

He demands to know what happened in Camelot. She says, "I'm tired of talking, do you want to stay or not?"

I like this new Emma, actually. She's all badass and says it like it is.

But he turns her down. "This may be who you are, but this isn't who I am."

Oh my god, he's been hanging out with Belle too much.

There's a foot race through the forest and Regina fights the skeleton thing and loses.  Mary Margaret insists she go to the hospital and Regina immediately assumes this is a reflection on her abilities.

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"You don't think I can do this!" she whines.

Mary Margaret says, "Um, no. I think you're face is bleeding. Not everything is about your magical powers."


Busted

One of King Arthur's knights gives Regina a big ole amulet since she's the savior. But Regina is worried because firstly, she doesn't know how to dance, and secondly, she's not the real saviour. David teaches her to dance and I can't help but wonder why I'm watching this show.

Then we realize the amulet is like a magical nanny cam and the knight is watching and listening to everything!

Where's Selena during all of this?

Regina goes to Mr. Gold's bedside and monologues about how she hates being the former evil queen and how no one trusts she's good enough to save Storybrooke. Belle taps her on the shoulder and regurgitates the latest research she's unearthed about flying skeletons who kidnap lovers.

Apparently the demon is called a Fury. It's in Storybrooke because someone used black magic in Camelot and now the Fury needs to take a body to the underworld as payment...or something. Plus, they need to wait for a full moon or maybe not, I'm a little hazy on the details. However, I do know if Robin is to be saved, someone has to give their life in his place.

How about the tree at the town limits?


To the Death

Back at the ball, Henry takes a giant leap into puberty and crosses the floor to introduce himself to a young princess named, Violet.

I hope this leads to something important to the plot because this scene took five minutes off my life.

The sneaky knight who has been eavesdropping finally dances with Regina. He calls her bluff and says he was a little boy when she burned his village years ago as the Evil Queen. He draws a sword and tries to stab Regina. Robin intervenes and gets stabbed instead. Then David (who is always poking his nose in other people's business) kills the knight.

These people ruin every party.

Regina begs Emma to stop the Fury. Emma says, "The price is not mine to pay. You're the one who used dark magic in Camelot. The price to pay has to be yours."

Now I've got the theme to the Price is Right running through my mind.


Black Magic

We see Regina struggle to heal Robin's wounds, but her magic won't work because—oh my god this is such a farce—because the sword was cursed to kill her.

She begs Emma to use her magic even though there may be a risk that her magic will go dark. Emma gets a hallucinatory message from Rumpelstitskin that if she uses her dark magic there will be a price to pay, but it's Regina's to pay since she asked for it.

Got that?

Emma uses her magic, saves Robin and doesn't freak out and pull out everyone's heart. But...her hand turned kind of gross.

Big deal.


Price to Pay

Regina rushes to give up her life to save Robin's as the ferryman from the underworld comes closer. But Mary Margaret, David and few dwarfs link hands with her. Six souls were too much for the Fury and it self implodes. The ferryman disappears and Robin is safe.


Grumpy proclaims that if Regina can stand up to that monster, she can save the town.

Bingo! Regina now has confidence.



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This calls for a celebration at Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat.

Hey, where's Ruby?

Belle and Hook talk about how true love's kiss only works when it's convenient to the plot.

Henry finds Violet again, but neither of them have any memory of meeting each other.

David consoles Mary Margaret about having a Dark One as a daughter.

Emma stands across the street all alone in her black trench coat. With nothing else to do she returns to her house to find Rumpelstiltskin waiting for her. He shows her the secret in her basement—Excalibur is there, stuck in the stone.

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"You have the power to do what no Dark One has ever been able to accomplish," he says. "Make the sword whole."

Putting down the dagger, Emma tries to free the sword but is blown away by a force. Rumpelstiltskin laughs and says she can do it with magic, but she'll have to pay the price.



Who was tonight's MVP?

#1. The Fury
#2. Henry's Adam's apple
#3. The dwarf who got turned into a tree

Once Upon A Time, Season 4 Episode 13 "Darkenss on the Edge of Town"

Or better title "Mr. Gold is Smart Everyone Else is Stupid"

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Diabolical Plan Part 1

We've been wondering how the ole Dark One was going to finagle his way back into Storybrooke after Belle had banished him in the previous episode, "Heroes and Villains."

 

It's soon obvious he's going to reunite Ursula, Cruella and Maleficent as part of his diabolical plan.

 

But this isn't the first time these four have worked together. In a flashback Rumplestiltskin tricks the three dark witches into helping him break into a guarded cave that holds the curse that will give all of them what they want the most—their own happy ending.

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Apparantly villains crave this kind of thing. I always thought they wanted revenge, wealth and power, but whatever.

 

However, after the three witches help him, Rumplestiltskin leaves with the magic, trapping the women with a black winged beast who feeds on the darkest hearts. We now know that Rumpelstitskin gave that curse to Regina which is what sent everyone to Storybrooke in the first place.

Hahaha! Dummies.

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Back in Storybrooke, life gets boring back to usual; Henry is at school where Mary Margaret teaches, Emma is the Sheriff again, Regina takes back her title as Mayor, and Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat is still the only place in town to eat/drink/do laundry.

 

Oh, yeah, and Hook is all sweet for Emma. He buys her coffee and holds her hand.

 

Questions:

 

#1. Since when did the students wear uniforms?

 

#2. Where did the school bus come from?

 

#3. And why isn't Granny concerned that Ruby's been missing this whole season????

 

Meanwhile, Mr. Gold convinces a down and out Ursula to help him track down Cruella. They find her on the cusp of bankruptcy. They all escape in her Rolls Royce and head toward Storybrooke where he promises they can use magic again and return to their evil ways.

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Why do people keep trusting this guy?

I'll tell you why. Because Mr. Gold is smart and everyone else is stupid.

 

Belle finds an ancient spell that will free the fairies from the Sorcerer's Hat, but she's unable to translate. She uses the internet (you know because it's so safe) and luckily an Oxford professor provides her with the proper decoding. 

 

Lucky!

 

Regina uses the dagger to work the spell and while she frees the fairies (now dressed in their nuns attire), the dark winged creature escapes as well.

 

Uh-oh. That can't be good.

 

Mr. Gold brags to Ursula and Cruella that he posed online to Belle as an Oxford professor and gave her the spell that would free the fairies knowing that the beast would be released as well.

Diabolical Plan Part 2

Seeing his plan to create chaos is nicely underway he has Ursula call Regina on his cell phone. Ursulla lies and says she and Cruella have changed their ways and would like to live in Storybrooke as reformed villains, just like Regina.

Regina refuses to let them in, but when the dark winged creature starts reeking havoc, Ursulla tells her she's faced this beast before, and it won't stop until it finds the darkest heart. This information somehow makes Regina change her mind.

Conveniently, Emma remembers something about the Snow Queen's scroll and they hatch a plan. The creature takes off after Regina and Emma in the little yellow bug. They drive to the edge of Storybrooke and slam on the brakes at the last moment. The creature flies over the border and instantly disappears because magic doesn't exist in our world...or something.

 

As promised, Regina tosses the scroll over the line allowing Ursulla, Cruella, shh...and Mr. Gold, into Storybrooke: aka, haven for reformed evil doers.

Mission Accomplished!

But Mary Margaret and David are not excited about this development at all. They meet with the two witches and its obvious there is a secret all four share that could destroy Emma.

Dun-dun-dun!

Mr. Gold brings attention to the fact that it was Emma Swan's heart the dark winged creature was after...not Regina's.

Does the Savior have the potential to become evil?

Mwahahaha!

 

 

 

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Once Upon A Time Sneak Peek Winter Premiere

Whoo-hoo!

Once Upon A Time is back, my friends with a whole new cast of fairy tale villains. The winter premiere (ominously enough, episode 13) is set to air tomorrow night on ABC. The show has been on hiatus since mid-December.

Let's do a quick recap!

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Last time we saw Mr. Gold he'd been kicked out of Storybrooke by Belle when she realized he'd never stop being the awesome evil person that he is. He of course, takes this in stride and finds Ursula working in a New York City aquarium. He manages to convince her to join him in his latest diabolical quest (break back into Storybrooke), but they need two more people.

Enter Cruella de Vil

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Now that Hook is no longer under Mr. Gold's power he can freely date and kiss Emma like the charming pirate he is. I"m guessing they're at the only place in town, Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat...

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After taking the high road by saving Marian and therefore losing Robin Hood forever, Regina thinks happy endings are stupid pants, but Henry is convinced he can find the author of the story book and have him rewrite a happy ending for his mom.

I wonder if Henry's voice has changed yet?

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And poor Belle drowns her sorrows in fruit kabobs...

 

While Regina plays third wheel.

Will you be watching tomorrow night?