Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 17 "Her Handsome Hero"

Or better title "Baby Boom"

Emma, Hook and Snow White are in the graveyard trying to outrun a sudden tornado. Hook leads them to a monument that can only shelter than on one side.

Anyway, something comes out of the storm and attacks Snow White.

Boom!

Never mind, Emma was only dreaming.

Not wanting to fall asleep again, she and Hook visit the library where Regina has been busy marking up the elevator door to Hades' lair with ancient runes all over a door so Emma could magically spell it open. Sounds like a plan until they discover a wall of brick behind the door.

Man, too bad their magic is only good for elevator doors and healing horses.

Flashback to the enchanted forest and we learn Belle's father has arranged for a hot young Prince to marry Belle so they can merge their kingdoms against the ogres who are apparently waging a war...all the time.

Belle's like, "I don't think so. I want a dude who will treat me with kindness and respect not some hot shot lady killer who likes to decorate with antlers."

But this is irrelevant because when the handsome Gaston arrives, she's all, "Cool. Let's take a walk in the woods."

The hike soon turns into a date with Gaston being all smooth and complimentary. Belle talks about books and then they discover a baby ogre has fallen down a hole!!

Even though ogres are murders and pose a direct threat to Belle and her kingdom she decides it would be a good idea to find out what his intensions are before letting Gaston kill him.

Back in hell town, Belle finds Mr. Gold and they have the same argument again.

Belle: "You need to change. I know you're a good man. I won't stay with you or let you be this baby's father until you change."

Mr. Gold: "I'm the beast. I'll always be the beast. You love the beast. I won't change."

Belle: "Well...fix this agreement with Hades first, but don't use dark magic...then we'll talk again."

They take a walk down Main Street where Gaston tries to shot Mr. Gold with an enchanted arrow from Hades.

Pfft! Mr. Gold catches the arrow like the awesome piece of superiority.

Belle says, "Gaston, how did you die?"

"The Dark One turned me into a rose."

Then Mr. Gold whisks himself and Belle away to the docks. He explains the water in the harbor is full of ghosts or something and one touch and you'll be stuck in hell forever...I think. Belle is inspired and decides they must help Gaston move on and then defeat Hades together and get the hell out of hell.

Across town, Regina and Zelena settle in for some sister to sister chat. Zelena reveals her history with Hades and that he still wants to take her to prom. But she's all, "Ugh, what does it matter? No one will ever really love me."

This show y'all! God forbid any woman in Storybrooke have any self respect when it comes to romance.

Thinking this will help him move on, Belle and Mr. Gold break into Gaston's locker at the pet shelter.

Why are there pets in hell?

But Belle finds one of her favourite books and she concludes that Gaston is still in love with her. Mr. Gold rolls his eyes and leaves.

Hades then appears and reminds Belle that he owns her baby. But he offers her a deal: get Mr. Gold and Gaston to duel at the docks and if one of them is tossed over she gets to keep her baby.

Belle refuses.

Why?

Because she has a better plan to dupe Gaston. Not really, she tried to fool him with a dummy Mr. Gold, and oh my gosh, folks, so bad...so bad. When Gaston learns Belle is actually married to the guy who turned him into a rose he's all, "You sick chick!"

We flashback to the baby ogre stuck in the hole. Belle brings a mirror that has the power to show true intensions to help her see into the baby ogres soul or something. Gaston is upset and fires an arrow, but not before Belle sees Gaston's eyes glow red in the mirror's reflection. She lets the baby ogre get away, which Gaston had tortured a bit in her absence.

Note: I'm sure the ogre that broke into their castle and killed her mother was in no way related to this event.

Belle finds Mr. Gold and tells him Gaston is really upset now that he knows they're married. Literally two seconds later, Mr. Gold is doing the hovering choke hold to Gaston over the harbor. Belle stops Mr. Gold, but then she and Gaston fight and she manages to push him off the dock.

Oops.

Hades shows up and lets them know that doesn't count because it was supposed to be Gaston and Mr. Gold dueling NOT Belle.

Hades sees a wilted daisy and is quite happy because now he has a gift to show Zelena his affections.

Plus, Emma's dream came true, but when Snow White was attacked the wolf turned out to be RUBY!!!

Yeah! Finally, someone who can stir up these losers.

Once Upon A Time, Season 5, Episode 14 "Devil's Due"

Or better title "No Can Do VooDoo"

In the shop, Mr. Gold makes an elaborate potion and uses a crystal ball to show him who he wants the most. I think he's looking for Hook...or maybe Neil, instead an image of Belle appears.

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Hey guys! Milah is back. And she's the crosswalk guard for all the dead kids ... um, what? Kids are in hell? What kind of show is this?

And you know what? They still have to go to school. Cruel. This truly is hell. 

Mr. Gold tells Milah that her former lover, Cap'n Hook, is in need of rescuing. Since she's already dead, he can use her to slip into the bowels of hell without getting noticed.

Don't ask, just go with it.

Anyway Emma is there too and that leads to this awkward moment.

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Conveniently, the gate to hell is in Emma's basement. In not time they're canoeing through the river of Lost Souls, with help from Milah because everyone in hell knows all the secrets of Hades' lair.

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Don't ask, just go with it.

Because Hook refused to chisel the names of his peeps into the gravestones, Hades suspended him above the river of Lost Souls as punishment/motivation.

Emma manages to easily rescue him without doing anything other than leaving the canoe and walking down the only platform.

Anyway, you'd think Hook would be happy to see the love of his life, instead he's all dark and brooding, "Let me die." He only perks up when she tells him Milah is on the scene too.

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Time for a flashback. We get another glimpse into the troubled marriage of Rumpelstiltskin and Milah. It seems she never warmed to his passive nature.

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When Bae goes butterfly hunting he manages to get bitten by the Enchanted forest's most poisonous snake. Luckily, since this is the Enchanted Forest, there's a voodoo healer close by who can give them the antidote for a pile of gold.

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Milah leaves with a smile and then informs Rumple he has to return and kill the voodoo dude, all the while knowing her husband doesn't even like swatting flies.

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If she's so blood thirsty and used to doing everything else, why doesn't Milah kill the guy herself?

Anyway, instead of spending the time with dying Bae she goes to the pub and (ta-da) runs into Hook. She's easily impressed with his alpha vibes and complete oppositeness of her husband.

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Back in hell, Milah and Mr. Gold are trading insults at the dock while they wait for Emma to return with Hook. Hades turns up, and freezes Milah so he can have a chat with Mr. Gold. He wants Mr. Gold to destroy the canoe (the only way of escape) and Milah too for that matter.

Who will make sure the dead kids get back and forth to hell school safely?

Flashback Break: Rumple arrives at the voodoo hut, but of course is unable to kill guy. Instead he makes a deal to hand over his second born child in order to save the first.

What is it with parents in the Enchanted forest using offspring as collateral?

Rumple skips home to Milah (who must have just returned from the pub) and gives her the antidote. It works in a flash and while Bae is quickly recovering he tells her, "By the way, we can't have anymore kids."

Milah is like, "So...I guess no more marriage relations for us then. See ya."

In hell, Mr. Gold hardly hesitates to destroy the boat and send Milah into the River of Lost Souls. One second later, Emma and Hook appear. Mr. Gold twists his expression and says that Hades just showed up and did all the damage.

And because of this, we, as the patient audience, are robbed of the reunion scene between Hook and Milah. The writers have painstaking showed us over and over again, that Hook isn't a blood thirsty pirate, he's a broken hearted lover. He's been exacting revenge on Mr. Gold for the last twenty years for her death so when he finally has the opportunity to fall into her arms, it would has to be in front of Emma.

I almost threw something at the TV, folks. We have been robbed.

Anyway, above ground—but still in hell because everything has the red filter—Regina finds Daniel's tombstone lying flat. This indicates he's moved on to heaven. She's truly happy. On the walk home, she saves a horse and realizes she has magic again.

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Hey, this means she can perform the 'heart spilt' spell on Emma, giving half of her heart to Hook so he can return to the real Storybrooke with them.

There are so many reasons why this shouldn't work. Hook's body is back in Storybrooke, what you see in hell is just his spirit...right? So how can you give a ghost a heart transplant?

Don't ask, just go with it.

Never mind, it doesn't matter because Regina is unable to perform the spell on Emma. A quick trip through the graveyard shows that the three tombstones have been etched with Emma, Snow White and Regina!!! So now they're trapped in the Underworld...I think.

Before you can figure that one out, time for one last flashback: As the Dark One, Rumple returns to the voodoo guy's hut and kills him for revenge. But Hades gleefully reunites Mr. Gold with the dead witch doctor and informs him that he, Hades, now is the owner of the contract and because they're in hell, anything goes. So Mr. Gold now owes Hades his second born child.

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Big deal, thinks Mr. Gold...but hold on. Remember the crystal ball that showed an image of Belle? Hades has his own crystal ball and he informs Mr. Gold that this ball shows the future, not the present. Instead of Belle, Mr. Gold was looking at an image of his future daughter!!!

Belle is in Storybrooke, unaware she's pregnant, and Hades is already planning on stealing her baby.

When will Belle ever learn? Every time Mr. Gold goes on one of these field trips with Emma and Regina bad stuff happens!!!

Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 6 "The Bow and the Bear"

Or better title "Bare It All"

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In Storybrooke, Regina has completed the potion that will allow them to communicate with Merlin. King Arthur arrives with that stupid magic mushroom and asks the others to leave because Merlin is very fussy who he'll respond to.

Regina is suspicious, but David and Mary Margaret are all, "Sure, Art. No problemo. We'll all wait outside. Do your thing, it's not like anyone has double-crossed up before."

Belle has had enough of this tired fungus storyline and leaves to go look for Rumple.

That's the spirit!

Once everyone leaves, King Arthur tosses the mushroom into the fire, then tells them it didn't work.

Mwahahaha! How evil.

In the woods, Mr. Gold is having an awkward session with the chipped cup. When Merida leaves, he smashes the cup and uses its sharp edges to cut through his tied hands.

Emma is unfazed to find that Mr. Gold has escaped. She orders Merida to put an arrow through Belle's heart. This is the only way to force Mr. Gold into becoming a hero apparently. So it's not really a dark thing because she knows Belle won't die and Mr. Gold will finally become a hero.

Plus, when she visits Zalena in jail she gives her onion rings because Emma can empathize what it's like to be pregnant and in jail.I don't think she's fully grasping the whole Dark One philosophy. Zalena eats all the onion rings without sharing.

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Concussion Time

Back in Camelot, Belle impresses Merlin with her reading abilities after she gives him a spell to help break Lancelot and Merida out of Arthur's jail. Seeing that Belle has 'magic smarts' Merida knocks her unconscious the first chance they're alone so she can cook up a potion to help her find her kidnapped brothers.

Right, because that's super brave.

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When Belle comes to, instead of having a concussion or even being a tad upset at being kidnapped, she's totes into the plan and can't wait to use her magic cookbook.

Who is responsible for these wigs?

After Belle completes the recipe, Merida peeks into the magical caldron or something and sees the rebel clans will kill her brothers by sundown if she doesn't relinquish the crown to them. They don't want a Queen to rule them so instead of killing her and making one of her brothers King, they will kill all of her brothers.

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Merida freaks out and lets Belle know she has a magic potion that will change her fate.

In my day we called it gin.

Escape!

Back in Storybrooke's library, Belle is startled when the steampunk elevator doors open and Mr. Gold is cowering inside. I guess he came in through the mines or something...this town is full of secret passageways.

Anyway, Mr. Gold is shaking and basically incontinent at the thought of going outside. Belle is like, "Dude, suck it up. So your foot is sore from escaping. Big deal. Let's drag your arse back to the shop and magic you some personality."

But Merida shows up, sending arrows everywhere except for the target. Realizing Mr. Gold is hopeless, Belle pulls the rug out from under Merida and gives her a concussion for a change.

Pay back!

Mr. Gold rushes to his safe and grabs a pouch full of transformation power. Belle asks why they need it. He says, "It's time to get the hell out of this hole."

Across town, The Charmings realize King Arthur fooled them. Regina rolls her eyes and suggests they get Henry to try summoning Merlin since he's the next author.

Sure, whatever.

It works, but instead of any useful information, they see Merlin warning them against The Dark One.

That. Was. Useless.

Meanwhile, Mr. Gold speeds to the edge of town. Belle tries to get him to pull over and not be such a coward, but he's like, "People keep knocking you unconscious and someone is trying to kill you. We need to leave. You need to work in a library where people actually read!"

But Belle is adamant she wants to stay. Mr. Gold leaves her on the road and speeds across the town limits. Then Merida shows up. "Aye. Here to kill ya." But instead of using her arrows, she drinks her potion (the real potion this time) and turns into the bear.

Bear or Bare Chests

In another dimension, Merida and Belle hide behind a rock while a rough troop of Chippendale performers prepare to murder her brothers.

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Anyway, Merida jumps out and talks about how sorry they will be. She guzzles her potion, but nothing happens. Belle, that sneaky trickster, changed it for water. So instead of changing into a bear, she's still Merida, girl in the bad wig. Belle then whispers harshly about being brave and blah, blah, blah, Merida gets courage and all this time none of the Chippendale dancers think of killing Merida because...?

So, Merida shoots the arrow that deflects the three arrows intended to kill her brothers. The dudes all bow their heads, knowing they've just witnessed some badass archery. The clans give her their support and the brothers rush over for a big hair hug.

Seriously. Those wigs, though.

Hero Time

Merida the bear chases Belle through the forest. Then out of nowhere, Mr. Gold shows up. He throws his pouch at the bear and it turns back into Merida. 

In Emma's basement, Mr. Gold makes a deal with Emma to return Merida’s heart in exchange for his sword-pulling services. Emma agrees. He gives Belle a sweet good-bye speech in case he isn't worthy to pull the sword which makes me all misty eyed.

Thankfully, Mr. Gold is a hero. He hands the sword to Emma but also warns her that because of her greediness she made a huge mistake—she made him into a hero.

She's like, "Pfft, this town is full of heroes."

Mr. Gold smiles and it's like a bit of the old sly dog is in there. He says, "There's on hero like me."

Whoo-hoo! Bring it, Rumple.

Who was this episode's MVP?

#1. The chipped cup

#2. Merida's wig

#3. The fire proof mushroom

Once Upon A Time Sneak Peek Winter Premiere

Whoo-hoo!

Once Upon A Time is back, my friends with a whole new cast of fairy tale villains. The winter premiere (ominously enough, episode 13) is set to air tomorrow night on ABC. The show has been on hiatus since mid-December.

Let's do a quick recap!

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Last time we saw Mr. Gold he'd been kicked out of Storybrooke by Belle when she realized he'd never stop being the awesome evil person that he is. He of course, takes this in stride and finds Ursula working in a New York City aquarium. He manages to convince her to join him in his latest diabolical quest (break back into Storybrooke), but they need two more people.

Enter Cruella de Vil

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Now that Hook is no longer under Mr. Gold's power he can freely date and kiss Emma like the charming pirate he is. I"m guessing they're at the only place in town, Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat...

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After taking the high road by saving Marian and therefore losing Robin Hood forever, Regina thinks happy endings are stupid pants, but Henry is convinced he can find the author of the story book and have him rewrite a happy ending for his mom.

I wonder if Henry's voice has changed yet?

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And poor Belle drowns her sorrows in fruit kabobs...

 

While Regina plays third wheel.

Will you be watching tomorrow night?

Once Upon A Time, Season 4, Episode 10 "Heroes and Villains"

Or better title "Disney or Bust"

Elsa and Anna try to leave Storybrooke but they discover that even though the ice wall is gone, Ingrid's spell on the town line is still intact, meaning that if you leave Storybrooke you can't return. Emma suggests they find a magic bean to make another portal to get them back to Arendale.

Mr. Gold and Hook discuss his diabolical plan to cleave himself from the dagger. Hook has to make sure that Anna doesn't find her way back to the pawn shop because she can't know that he's Rumpelstiltskin since his diabolical plan hinges on fooling everyone that he's a nice guy now...or something like that.

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Back in Rumpelstiltskin's castle, Belle plays snoopy snoop with all his cool stuff. He catches her, but instead of being upset he gives her his latest stolen magical item to clean, a gauntlet: A glove of armour that will find any person's weakness.

Rumpelstiltskin says, "Using someone's weakness against them is all about manipulation and power. Sometimes greatest weakness is usually always their greatest love."

Bingo! And here's the key phrase for this episode which will be repeated until we bleed. 

Mr. Gold wakes Belle and promises to take her to New York for their honeymoon. She smiles.

Phrase one of diabolical plan went off without a hitch!

Now that the Snow Queen is dead—but happily, Regina is able to transplant her boyfriend's wife's heart. Marion wakes up and hugs Robin.

Awkward.

Darn. This is too sad. There's not way this will be handled quickly.

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Oops. Never mind. Marion meets Regina at Granny's pub/diner/laudromat and basically tells Regina she's ready to step out of the picture if she and Robin really love each other.

Sweet. That was easy

Mr. Gold takes Hook to the abandoned mansion—you know, that abandoned mansion no one knew about until this season. Anyway, the magic broomstick takes them there since the house belonged to the magician assistant. Two seconds later, a portal appears.

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Henry goes to see Belle. He lets her know the town line has a spell on it so the trip to New York shouldn't happen. Belle just shrugs and says Mr. Gold will fix that speedy quick. While looking for another suitcase, Henry causes a small avalanche. And oops...she finds the gauntlet.

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Belle does laundry outside Rumpelstiltskin's castle and is soon distracted by a cute Dalmatian puppy. She follows the little critter and is soon kidnapped.

Everyone knows cute puppies work for kidnappers. What was she thinking?

Hook lets Emma know he's found a portal to Arendale! But she's suspicious because Hook is wearing different guy jewelry. 

Belle's kidnappers send a message to Rumpelstiltskin that she'll be killed if the gauntlet isn't handed over to them.

Before Regina and Robin can pick out silverware, Marion collapses with frosted eyebrows. Regina reasons the only way for Marion to live is for her to leave Storybrooke where the curse can't affect her.

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However, her son will want to go with her and that means Robin must do the honourable thing and take care of his family in the non magical world...and never come back.

Whump! There it is. 

Mr. Gold meets with Regina and encourages her to kill Marion and therefore secure her happiness with Robin. "Begin good doesn't mean good things will happen," he tells her.

Amen to that, brother.

Then he tells her he has no idea who wrote the story book. But he doesn't  care about words and pictures, he's in charge of his own destiny.

Regina gives last minute instructions to Robin as Marion and her son cross over the town line. She's instantly cured. After a sad kiss good bye with Regina, Robin crosses over too.

Regina cries, sad 'former evil queen', 'former evil mayor tears'.

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Rumpelstiltskin returns the gauntlet to Maleficent. But he's soon outnumbered by Ursula the sea witch, Cruella de Vil...plus Sid from Toy Story is there too.

Call me stupid, but isn't this getting ridiculous? Cruella de Vil? Really? When do Chip and Dale show up? Or Jack Skeleton from Nightmare Before Christmas.

Here's the crazy show down.

#1.They threaten Belle.

#2. He gives them the gauntlet.

#3. Then they disappear.

He's the DARK ONE! A simple choke hold by the sea witch was beyond his fighting capabilities?

Emma takes everyone to the mansion to check out the portal. There are long good byes. Elsa goes first followed by Kristoff, but when it's Anna's turn she asks who the 'helpful' Mr. Gold was in the enchanted forest.

When they tell her he was Rumpelstiltskin, she's like 'whoa, not the liar pants dude'. Emma figures out that maybe she shouldn't be trusting Mr. Gold.

You think?

In the clock tower, Mr. Gold has the magic hat, the dagger, and Hook's heart. He and Hook stand there while a whole lot of magic stuff happens. Emma and Mary Margaret arrive to stop the proceedings, but he freezes them.

He starts to crush Hook's heart, but he can't. Belle shows up and she's holding the dagger...the real dagger. She commands him to take her to the town line.

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Belle explains she found the gauntlet and now realizes he'd never give up power for her. "I lost my way trying to help you find yourself. I used the gauntlet and it led me to the real dagger."

Mr. Gold begs her to understand, but she commands him to leave Storybrooke.

"I don't want to lose you," he cries.

"You already have," she answers.

Burn.

Mr. Gold crosses the line and collapses, crying out her name. Belle can see him from her side and walks away.

Cruel, man. But awesome at the same time.

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Back in Arendale, Anna and Elsa have reclaimed the memories of their two aunts. Anna is dressed for her wedding, and it's all sunshine and rainbows.

Emma performs Hook's heart transplant. He recovers quickly and gives her a big kiss.

Regina drowns her sorrows in a cup of coffee. Emma arrives and they start downing shots. Emma tells her she did the right thing by letting Robin leave. Henry arrives out of breath, saying he found something big. He takes them back to the magician's abandoned mansion. He shows them a secret room...a secret library.

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Quick, call Belle. She loves to read.

They discover all of the books are blank. Henry says these are all potential storybooks. Regina figures this is the house of the author of the original storybook and maybe, just maybe she can get a happy ending.

Six weeks later in New York City...

Mr. Gold visits an aquarium. And guess who works there? It's Ursula, the sea witch. He convinces her they should join forces and try to find someone called, the author.

Why is she in New York?

Anyway, he's convinced her to join him, plus they'll get the other two. I'm guessing Cruella de Vil will be at the animal shelter and Malificent will be at the reptile exhibit or something.

Who was the MVP for tonight's episode?

#1. Belle

#2. Henry

#3. Regina

Share your vote in the comments!

Check out all my other Once Upon A Time recaps here!