The Bachelor, Season 19, Episode 5 "Meditation, Manipulation and Medication"

Chris has brought the girls to Sante Fe, New Mexico!

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Meghan says, "I've never been to Mexico I hear it's like a big beach resort. Definitely a culture shock with the all the big sombreros they wear."


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Meghan. Blonde and dangerously unaware.

Chris says the dreaded phrase, "I'm really excited to take these girls to the next level."

All of the girls tell us they are definitely falling for Chris.

Of course you are, he's the only guy left on earth.

Carly gets picked for the solo date. The clue says, "Let's come together."

I hope that's not literal.

He takes her to big empty mansion. In the backyard they find a woman meditating. She's a guru that enhances intimacy in couples.



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She's actually praying the show gets cancelled.

She covers them in incense smoke, they chant, then try yoga poses. But they don't call her the love guru for nothin'. She has Carly blindfold Chris and then she encourages her to 'explore' Chris's body.

Things get messy when she feeds him chocolate dipped fruit.

And then the guru asks them to disrobe as a way to reveal their true selves.

AWKWARD! Um...what was wrong with mini golf?  

Thankfully, the underwear stays on. Then they hold each other, but they're not allowed to kiss. They share the same breaths.

At this point I hit the fast forward.



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Carly. Like...like...

They end up having a dinner of drinks by the fire place. Carly takes this time to let Chris know that her last boyfriend didn't like making out with her. She says 'like' a million times. Chris finishes a few drinks.

"I want a man to like find me physically, like, how he wants, like, to be like whatever his perfect image of what like beauty is."

Chris says, "You're cool and smart. That's why you've made it this far."

Time for the Group Date!

White water rafting on the Rio Grande!

Kelsey "guidance counsellor" tells the girls her husband collapsed and died of congestive heart failure.

Ashley says, "I don't understand her."

Meghan has concerns about alligators in the water.

Rightly so, as everyone knows Mexico is full of alligators.

Jade was the only one who fell out of the raft. However, after Chris massages her foot for awhile the other girls wish they'd thought of jumping in too. After all that fun it's time for dinner aka drinks.

Just when things were getting boring, guess who shows up?

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Jordan! My favourite contestant who was sent home a few episodes ago. She's sober which is a good thing, since she's driven all the way from Colorado! She doesn't explain why she was drunk the whole time, but she told him something brought her back.

Yeah, the rental car.

Meanwhile, the other girls are waiting for their supper/booze fest to begin with Chris. And when he comes around the corner with Jordan on his arm, all jaws fall on the floor.

He invites her to join the group date for the evening.

Ashley uses her time alone with Chris to dump all over Jordan.

Hey, don't you know this contest is all about who Chris wants to make out with? If you want the rose you need to make out, not talk!

Then the girls start arguing with each other over. Ashely says to Whitney, "How can you be nice to Jordan? Don't you care about Chris?"

After Chris realizes all the girls are too upset about Jordan to make out with him, he takes her aside to address this issue like a man.

"I think the right decision as a man is to not let this go any further...I can't let this...you know?"

Jordan hugs him and cries to the camera.

Dear Jordan,

You're only twenty. It would be crazy to marry this dude and move to a farm.

After Chris sends Jordan home he asks the girls if anyone needs a hug.

He gives the rose to 'the girl who makes him feel special and is here for the right reasons.' Whitney, the fertility nurse!

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Ashley says, "I look at her and I think, I don't need to worry about that."

Mackenzie says, "I think you just don't like her."

Whump! There it is.

After Chris surprises the girls with an early morning wake up call in person, he whisks Britt away from their solo date.

Good thing she sleeps in her make-up!

They're going hot air ballooning over the Rio Grande Gorge.

Psst...Britt is terrified of heights. TERRIFIED!

He says, "It's pretty cute to see how excited she is."

The scenery takes their breath away, and then they make out.

She says, "I feel like Chris is my boyfriend."

...who makes out with other girls.

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He takes her back to his room where they bounce on the bed, make out and talk about having one hundred kids. He gives her the date rose, but the date isn't over. They snuggle under the covers.

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When she gets back to the hotel room with the other girls she says, "It was great. We had room service and then we took a nap."

Hmm...I wonder what Kelsey thinks about this?

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Kelsey pays Chris a visit and tells him she's a widow.

Then she tells the camera. "Isn't my story amazing! It's so tragic. I love my story!"

Holy crap! Is she making this up? If this chick is this crazy, I definitely want her sticking around.

It's time for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party! 

Oh, you can cut the tension with a knife.

Whitney tells the camera. "There's something off about Kelsey...I can't pin point it."

Chris arrives and fumbles through a speech...at least I think it was a speech...he leaves (like a man) takes a walk (like a man)...talks with the host.

He says, "This was harder than I thought it would be. I feel like the decisions I have to make are life changing decisions."

Dude. Don't you watch the show? No one stays together.

Kelsey sets everyone straight. "He respects us so much that he doesn't want to waste our time."

Chris decides to forego the cocktail party and instead skip right to the rose ceremony.

What? No cocktail party!!! Oh, the humanity.

Ashley says, "Her story is so much more traumatizing than...you know...me. And now I'm going home."

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Kelsey gets up and leaves, worried that she's touched his heart so much. Seconds later, she's on the floor having a panic attack while passer-bys call 911.

FAKER!!!

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Quizzes by Quibblo.com

ESSENCE Blog Tour

Listen up, thrill seekers ... have I got the book for you!

Coming from Strange Chemistry on June 3, ESSENCE by Lisa Ann O'Kane.

The cover alone is enough to make you catch your breath and feel a rush of adrenaline.

I'm absolutely jazzed to be part of the ESSENCE blog tour. I first met Lisa Ann when we were scuttling around the dregs in QueryTracker, both starry eyed and crossing our fingers and toes to get that elusive yes from an agent.

Well, here we are two years later and Lisa Ann has earned her chops and produced this fabulous story for us to all devour, huddled under blankets with our flashlights on.

Did I mention this is the perfect book to take camping?

Anywho, lets get on with the shiny.

“The story’s strength lies in its evocative setting and the vicarious thrill of wild parties and daring stunts in one of the most beautiful natural areas in the United States…quick, action-packed read”
- Owl Cat Mountain

Autumn escaped a cult, but now she realizes she's fallen into another.

Growing up in San Francisco’s Centrist Movement, sixteen year-old Autumn Grace has always believed emotions—adrenaline, endorphins, even happiness—drain your Essence and lead to an early death. But her younger brother’s passing and a run-in with a group of Outsiders casts her faith into question.

Ryder Stone, the sexy, rebellious leader of the Outsiders, claims Essence drain is nothing more than a Centrist scare tactic -- and he can prove it.

Autumn follows Ryder to his Community of adrenaline junkies and free spirits in Yosemite National Park, and they introduce her to a life of adventure, romance, sex, drugs and freedom. But as she discovers dark secrets beneath the Community’s perfect exterior, she realizes the more she risks in search of the perfect rush, the further she has to fall. 

Pre-order your copy today! It comes out June 3 (mark your calendar).


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Amazon (Canada):
Amazon (UK):  
Barnes & Noble:
Kobo:

Lisa Ann O'Kane is a young adult author and former vagabond who once camped out in Yosemite National Park for an entire summer, an experience that inspired her debut novel ESSENCE. Her background is in zookeeping and environmental education, and she has been kicked, cornered, bitten and chased by nearly every animal she has ever loved. She currently resides in Florida, and she is now a huge fan of shooting stars, indoor plumbing and keeping both her feet planted firmly on the trail.

You can find her here:

Website: http://lisaannokane.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/LisaAnnOKane

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LisaAnnOKane

Instagram: http://instagram.com/lisaannokane

Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/lisaannokane/

 

Lisa Ann was nice enough to drop by for a virtual chat.

 

What inspired you to write ESSENCE?

The inspiration for Essence came to me randomly. I was in Vail with some friends during the winter of 2011, and we were watching a friend get inducted into the Snowboarding Hall of Fame. There were tons of early '90's snowboarding legends there, and I was struck by how poorly many of them had aged. Some had mobility issues (thanks to the beatings they put on their bodies), some had substance abuse withdrawal issues, and many others just seemed ‘different.’

I turned to my friends at one point and said, "It's weird. It's almost like these guys were given a certain allotment of life, and they've already used theirs up."

BAM. The rest of my story came to me like lightning.
　
　

Is there a message in your novel that you want readers to grasp?

Essence is all about literal and metaphorical balance: the balance between right and wrong, between safety and freedom, between too little and too much. Autumn’s dual fears of tight spaces and heights also speak to this, and she struggles to find her inner balance throughout most of the novel.

My hope for Essence is that readers will understand that they alone are responsible for finding their own balance and moderation. They cannot simply trust that the people around them are looking out for their best interests.
　
　

What was the hardest scene to write (no spoilers!)?

The first fifty pages of Essence bamboozled me. I was so excited to JUST GET TO YOSEMITE ALREADY that I blazed through them and didn’t give them the attention they deserved until well after I finished the first draft. This meant I had to go back and rewrite those pages several times, and they have changed so much from their first incarnation that I am sometimes still surprised by their final content.
　
　

Which character do you relate to the most? Why?

Essence is interesting to me, because these characters have less in common with me than any other characters I have ever written. However, I can see traces of myself in almost all of them, and I feel a particular connection to Jett. Although her mistakes, heartbreaks and failures have altered her, she has made the conscious choice to learn from them and rise above them. (Hopefully people say this about me, too!)
　

Outside of family, what was the greatest support while you wrote this novel?

I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by an incredible group of friends and loved ones, and their support for me was unwavering during this process. In particular, I am thankful for my long-time alpha reader Allen Walker, my brainstorming partner-in-crime Keith Wood, and my Colorado writers’ group: Beth Christopher, Christina McCarthy, Eugene Scott, Joe Kovacs, Rene Zimbelman, and Sean McAfee.
　
　

Do you have any advice for other writers?

As best as you can, please don’t take criticism or rejections personally. If you decide this is what you want to do, please don’t let anyone ever talk you out of it.

I have considered myself an aspiring author for the past five years, and I am finally beginning to see the publishing industry for what it is: an industry. When I first started this journey, I pinned all my self-worth on the success of my novel. If an agent or editor liked it, that meant I was a good writer. If they didn’t, I questioned my entire identity.

Nowadays (thanks to time, experience, and many, many rejections), I understand that agents and editors can like my work—sometimes even love my work—and still reject it. Maybe it isn’t a good fit for their list, or maybe they already have a similar novel. Maybe the market is saturated, or maybe it isn’t saturated enough. Maybe they love my novel but realize it doesn’t have mass appeal, or maybe they just don’t love it enough to stake their reputation on it.

Regardless, rejections are often far less personal—and far more subjective—than I would have ever imagined. This is good news, and it’s bad news. When agents and editors say, "It’s not you, it’s me," they usually really mean it.
　
　

FAST FIVE

What did you have for supper last night?

I have the taste buds of a twelve year-old boy. I am also incredibly lazy in the kitchen, so last night’s triumph was some frozen chicken fettuccine and an ice cream sandwich for dessert. (Ah, the romantic life of an author!)
　

Is there an actor who you think looks like your MC?

Absolutely! I didn’t realize it until a reader pointed it out, but I think Jane Levy from Suburgatory is a dead ringer for Autumn. I have also always pictured Ryder Stone as a young version of Alex Pettyfer.

 

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jane_Levy.jpg

 

 

 

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Alex_Pettyfer-_John_Smith_in_I_am_number_4_2014-04-07_22-45.jpg)

　


Vanilla or chocolate?

Vanilla! Call me boring, but everyone likes vanilla for a reason: it’s delicious! I am particularly fond of that fancy vanilla bean ice cream with real specks of vanilla in it. So. Darn. Good.
　
　

As a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Believe it or not, my very first career goal was to (not joke) be a garbage man. This was back in the days when the garbage men used to ride around on the back of the trucks and jump off to collect the cans, and I thought hanging onto the back of a moving vehicle looked SO FUN. (I think the characters in Essence may have inherited some of their adrenaline junkie compulsions from me. They also probably inherited some of my questionable decision-making skills. )
　
　

Last book you read.

I am right in the middle of Dare Me by Eric Devine. Eric is a good friend of mine, and I am a HUGE fan of the gritty, honest way he writes. His characters aren’t perfect, and he doesn’t shy away from highlighting their flaws. He also doesn’t shy away from tough language or uncomfortable scenes. I have SO much respect for this.


Thanks so much, Lisa Ann! Good luck with the rest of the launch and thank you for writing this book and sharing your story with us.




 

My Dream Ninja Assignment!

As part of the NINJA LIBRARIAN blog tour my assignment this week was to name which historical figure would I like to be an apprentice for? What would I like to learn from them?

One word, Cleopatra.

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Why?

She was Egypt's last queen, invented many health and beauty treatments that are still used today, (mascara for one), and was the only person capable of keeping Egypt from falling to the Romans.

She fought off a brother and saved her country by swooning Julius Caesar and combining their armies. When Caesar died, Cleopatra had to flee Rome as rumors of her involvement in his death threatened her own demise.

But she didn't cower.

Mark Anthony was set to arrest her, instead...well, let's just say she gave birth to twins the following year.

She was a warrior, a scientist, a fierce leader, and has inspired generations of playwrights, artists, and archaeologists. Perhaps the most alluring part of Cleopatra is that her tomb has never been found. She died a prisoner of Octavian, supposedly after Mark Antony died in her arms. Loyal slaves smuggled in a poisonous snake at her request, so she could take her own life with its bite.

It is believed that Octavian still revered his queen and granted her the wish to be buried secretly with Mark Antony, where tomb raiders would never find them.

They still haven't.

I don't know what I'd want to learn for Cleopatra, but following her around for a day would be AWESOME!!!! 


Here are some of my other assignments which totally deserved an A+...

What animal I would take with me if I was going on an adventure? Easy peasy!

Top ten scenes from a book that I'd want to experience.

Top ten items I'd steal, borrow from books. Number one? Nancy Drew's blue convertible. Oh, yeah!

Jen Swank Downey's smart, sassy, action packed middle grade adventure is now available!

Check out webpage here. In addition to a wonderful blog trailer, the webpage contains fantastic downloadables for Ninja Librarian fans, such as an Educator Guide, Mission Activity Kit, and a special Guide to Petrarch’s Library!

You can BUY The Ninja Librarians here.

 

Find Jen on facebook, twitter, and her website.

 

Which historical figure would you like to apprentice for?

 

 

First Chapter Reveal for THE NINJA LIBRARIANS

In The Ninja Librarians,  Dorrie and Marcus accidentally bring along Moe, a mongoose, on their adventure (Well, okay, more like they follow him to the mysterious room). 

As part of the NINJA LIBRARIAN blog tour my assignment this week was to name what animal I would take with me if I was going on an adventure?
 
Easy peasy!

Hedwig, Boots the monkey, that big flying dog-thing from The Never Ending Story, Puff the Magic Dragon, Lassie, Cruickshanks, all three Wonder Pets, Fawkes, Black Beauty, any unicorn, the sparrow from The Happy Prince, Winnie the Pooh and Piglet too!

Wait...what? Just one?!

Oh. *hangs head*

Next week I have to tell you which historical figure I would you like to be an apprentice for? What I'd like to learn from them (or get from them). Stay tuned.

Here are some of my other assignments which totally deserved an A+...

Top ten scenes from a book that I'd want to experience.

Top ten items I'd steal, borrow from books. Number one? Nancy Drew's blue convertible. Oh, yeah!

Jen Swann Downey's smart, sassy, action packed middle grad adventure hits stores on April 15!

Check out webpage here. In addition to a wonderful blog trailer, the webpage contains fantastic downloadables for Ninja Librarian fans, such as an Educator Guide, Mission Activity Kit, and a special Guide to Petrarch’s Library!

You can pre-order Ninja Librarians here.

 

Find Jen on facebook, twitter, and her website.

 

AND, don't leave yet. Below is the FIRST CHAPTER.

 

WARNING! You will be hooked and unable to read further until April 15th. Proceed with caution.

 

 

 

Chapter 1

Books and Swords

T

welve--year--old Dorothea Barnes was thoroughly un--chosen, not particularly deserving, bore no marks of destiny, lacked any sort of criminal genius, and could claim no supernatural relations. Furthermore, she’d never been orphaned, kidnapped, left for dead in the wilderness, or bitten by anything more bloodthirsty than her little sister.

 

Don’t even begin to entertain consoling thoughts of long flaxen curls or shiny tresses black as ravens’ wings. Dorrie’s plain brown hair could only be considered marvelous in its ability to twist itself into hopeless tangles. She was neither particularly tall or small, thick or thin, pale or dark. She had parents who loved her, friends enough, and never wanted for a meal. So why, you may wonder, tell a story about a girl like this at all?

 

Because Dorrie counted a sword among her most precious belongings. Yes, it was only a fake one that couldn’t be relied upon to cut all the way through a stick of butter, but Dorrie truly and deeply desired to use it. Not just to fend off another staged pirate attack at Mr. Louis P. Kornberger’s Passaic Academy of Swordplay and Stage Combat (which met Tuesdays behind the library after Mr. Kornberger finished work there) but, when the right circumstances arose, to vanquish some measure of evil from the world.

 

Dorrie regarded every opportunity to prepare for that moment as a crucial one, and the Passaic Public Library’s annual Pen and Sword Festival—always bursting with costumed scribblers and swashbucklers—afforded, in her strongly-held opinion, one of the best. On its appointed day, she pounded down the wide battered staircase of her home long before the rising sun finished gilding the rusty dryer that sat, for lost reasons, on top of it. She did so in the one tall purple boot she could find, dragging her duffel bag behind her.

 

At the bottom, in the vast chamber that had once served as a ballroom, Dorrie caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror that hung over a bureau by the back door, and hiked up her wide leather belt. She had buckled it over a hideous, electric-blue-and-black-striped suit jacket with ripped-out sleeves that Dorrie’s father swore he had worn proudly out in public in a bygone era. Underneath it, a shirt with great puffy sleeves and dangling cuffs screamed "pirate" loudly and well. After taking a moment to tug on the hem of the moth-eaten velvet skirt that was meant to hang to her knees but had got caught in the waistband of her underwear, she glowered into the mirror, her sword aloft. Despite the missing boot, the overall effect pleased her.

 

"Yo ho, Calico Jack," called her father. "Put this back in Great--Aunt Alice’s sitting room, will you?"

Dorrie looked away from the mirror to see her father, holding a tiny carved owl. He wore a ruffled, candy-striped apron that read, "You Breaka My Eggs, I Breaka Your Fast". With his free hand he was stirring a pot of glopping oatmeal in the part of the old ballroom the Barnes called "The Kitchen". Other parts of the once grand chamber served as "The Living Room", "The Office", "The Rehearsal Hall" for Dorrie’s fourteen-year-old drum-pounding brother, Marcus, and "The Playroom" for Miranda, Dorrie’s four-year-old sister.

 

Dorrie made her way to her father across one of the dozen rugs bought cheap from thrift stores currently living out their end days beneath the daily burden of ill-conceived art projects, the occasional mislaid plate of scrambled eggs, and books. Heaps and hills and hoards of books. Books left open on the back of the sway-backed sofa and under the piano, on the top of the toaster and hanging from the towel rack.

 

"Miranda borrowed it," he said, dropping the carved owl into Dorrie’s outstretched hand. Dorrie gave her father "a look." Her sister had a deeply ingrained habit of "borrowing" things. Dorrie set off for Great--Aunt Alice’s sitting room, which lay on the other side of the deteriorating mansion.

Great--Aunt Alice had invited Dorrie’s family to live with her two years ago when her sprawling home had become too much to care for by herself.

 

Besides the ballroom and a few bedrooms, the rest of the mansion was her territory. Just as shabby, she kept it spare and clean and orderly. Great--Aunt Alice claimed the Barnes side of the house gave her fits of dizziness.

 

After Dorrie set the owl back on its shelf in Great--Aunt Alice’s empty sitting room, the thick hush tempted her to tuck her sword beneath an arm and open a little stone box that stood beside the owl. Inside lay an old pocket watch and a silver bracelet set with a cloudy black stone.

 

The doorbell rang, and Great--Aunt Alice’s voice in the marble--floored hallway made Dorrie’s hand jerk so that the box’s lid fell closed with a small clack.

 

Hurriedly, Dorrie pushed the box back onto the shelf. Then, in a silly horror at the thought of Great--Aunt Alice—-who often seemed as remote and unfathomable as a distant planet—-catching her snooping, she wrenched open the lid of a cavernous wicker trunk that stood against the wall and scrambled inside, sword and all. She pulled the heavy lid down on top of her. It bounced on her fingers, trapping them, just as Great--Aunt Alice hobbled into the room. Dorrie sucked in her breath, the pain making her eyes water. She heard the sitting--room door close.

 

"Well, did he see you go in?" asked Great--Aunt Alice.

 

"Oh, he doesn’t have the imagination to suspect," said a young woman breathlessly.

 

Dorrie pressed her eyes to the gap made by her swiftly swelling fingers. Amanda, Dorrie’s favorite librarian at the Passaic Public Library after Mr. Kornberger, stood now, inexplicably, just inside Great--Aunt Alice’s sitting--room door. Everything about Amanda Ness was long. Her skirts, her hundred braids which hung down below her shoulders, and her nose—-which had been given the usual infant inch and had taken a mile. If a long temper was the opposite of a short one, well, she had that too.

 

"You should be more careful," said Great--Aunt Alice, stopping at her writing desk. She smoothed a few white hairs back toward the tight bun at the back of her head. "Has anything changed?"

 

"Not yet," said Amanda, sitting down on the edge of a little pale--blue sofa.

 

"No. Of course not," said Great--Aunt Alice, easing herself down into a straight--backed chair. "It’s patently absurd that we’re even discussing the possibility."

 

Amanda looked vaguely hurt.

 

"I don’t know what I’ve been thinking," said Great--Aunt Alice. "Sneaking around in there like a thief these past weeks."

 

Amanda clasped her hands together. "You were thinking that the stories might be true!"

 

Dorrie listened so hard that she could almost feel her ears trying to creep away from her head.

 

Great--Aunt Alice picked lint from a sweater hung on the back of the chair. "Well, I’m a foolish old woman." She caught Amanda staring at her. "Oh now, don’t look so disappointed."

 

"Give it more time!" pleaded Amanda. "He said he wasn’t sure how long it might take."

 

Great--Aunt Alice absently toyed with a little jar of pens on her desk. "I’m ashamed that I believed even for a moment in the possibility."

 

In her wonder at the thought that Great--Aunt Alice could believe in anything fantastical for even the briefest of moments, Dorrie barely felt the wicker strands of the trunk embedding themselves in her knees. After all, Great--Aunt Alice had frowned disapprovingly when Miranda asked her to clap her hands so that Tinkerbell wouldn’t die.

 

Amanda leaned toward Great--Aunt Alice. "But it’s obvious that something special is supposed to happen there." Dorrie held her breath so as not to miss a single word. The conversation positively bulged with mysterious possibilities.

 

"It’s obvious my father wanted something special to happen," Great--Aunt Alice corrected. "My believing that it will happen is as ridiculous as Dorothea believing that she’s going to corner modern evil with a sword."

 

At the mention of her name, Dorrie nearly lost her grip on the sword in question and had to scrabble to keep it from falling noisily to the floor of the trunk. There was a moment of silence during which Dorrie felt certain that Amanda and Great--Aunt Alice could hear the small cave-in taking place in the general vicinity of her heart, but her great-aunt only sniffed and began to talk about Mr. Scuggans, the new director of the Passaic Public Library, calling him insufferable.

 

Dorrie began to breath again in shallow little huffs. Ridiculous! She turned the stinging word over in her mind. Dorrie had never stopped to think about whether her desire to wield a sword against the villains of the world was sensible or ridiculous. It just was. She squeezed the hilt of her sword, drawing strength from it until the crumbling hollow feeling in her chest faded a little.

 

The conversation outside the basket had turned to the difficulty of cleaning the library’s gutters, and stuck there for what seemed like an excruciating eternity until, at last, Great--Aunt Alice showed Amanda out. Dorrie, her heart pounding, slipped from her wicker prison, and back through the double doors that led into her family’s side of the house.