The Bachelorette, Season 9, The Finale Part Two "Twenty Minutes of Content In Two Hours"

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*Hits fast forward and skips first five minutes of show*

The host talks to a live studio audience and we watch Des deal with the fallout from the Brookster skipping out on the love train.

What will Des do?

Cry, actually.



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She has an interview with the host in her tropical location. It goes basically like this for the next ten minutes.

The host: Asks a question.

Des: cries

The host: asks another questioned

Des: cries

Repeat

The host points out to Des that there are two guys who signed up for the show and have told Des they love her. So...?

Des says, “My heart is broken, but my spirit isn't.”

Translation: I'm ready to keep this free tropical vacation going.

Chris and Drew arrive for the rose ceremony and the host makes the obvious observation that Brooks is not part of their trio anymore. Des comes out and tells them Brooks went home on his own. The guys fight the instinct to high five each other.

Des weeps and begs them to tell her if they have any feelings about going home.

Are you kidding? Chris and Drew are so in love, they'd probably marry each other at this point.

Drew tells us, “I'll never leave Desiree.”

Well, if she chooses Chris that could be awkward.

The host goes through the live studio audience asking all the ladies their opinions. At least that's what I think he was saying, I fast forwarded through that part too.

Des has her last date with Drew before he meets her parents. She tells us, “I hope to fall in love with Drew as much as I love Brooks.”

I have a feeling this will be Des' answer for everything.

The host: Say, Des, how are your nachos?

Des: They're good, but I wish I loved them as much as I love Brooks.

She and Drew go horseback riding to the beach, but she's just not feeling the love. What she is feeling is weepy. In a scene straight from last week's episode, Des begins to cry as she tells Drew that she can't see them having a future together.

Translation: I don't love you as much as Brooks...or nachos.

Drew: “Um...I don't know....I didn't see this coming...”

Des: “I'm so sorry.”

Drew: “Don't be sorry. You can't control who you fall in love with. This hurts, and I don't know when it will really sink in, but...I guess this is good-bye.” Then he hugs her and says, “I hope you find your happiness.”

Way to go Brooks, you selfish bastard. How many hearts does Brooks have to be responsible for breaking?!

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Des has narrowed it down to Chris. When they meet for their last date, there's a totally different vibe. She's smiling and kissing him, so yeah, already better than Drew's date. Then Chris mentions he has a BIG shoulder for her to cry on.

There's more kissing, more sailing, more little giggles, and of course more drinking.

Brooks who?

Des tells us, “I'm just going to trust my heart, and let my heart decide what it needs.”

I have the same theory about potato chips, except it's my stomach that I let decide.

Des asks Chris to meet her family. He has a gift for her. It's a journal. And Surprise! There's a poem written in the back. Des starts to cry because she feels so lucky.

*hits fast forward*

FYI: I've watched approximately twenty minutes of this two hour show.

In the live audience are past players, sorry I mean contestants of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I was still fast forwarding at this point. I couldn't tell you what they said, but it was probably something like this, “I wish people still cared about who I was kissing.”

Chris meets Des' family...including her awesome brother who I totally dig for his straight up logic in this whole silly mess.

He doesn't pull any punches, but Chris answers his questions as honestly as he can. Chris then meets with Des' dad and he asks for her hand in marriage...you know, just in case.

Des sits down with her brother, ready for his brutally honest critique. He asks if she wants this guy FOREVER. She says yes, and he tells her he likes Chris.

Then he asks her about Brooks. Amazingly, Des doesn't cry. However it plants a seed of doubt.

*Cue the sad piano music*

Chris picks out a diamond ring, unaware that Drew has been kicked off the island. Des gets dressed up and she begins to cry...again. “I don't have a clue what I'm going to do. I have to tell Chris the truth about Brooks, I have no idea what he's going to do.”

Write a poem?

                                                  Henry Cavill looking like Chris' older brother
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Des waits on the proposal platform. Chris enters looking like Henry Cavill's little brother. He gives her a long practiced speech about all the fun they've had together and something about a future...blah, blah, blah.

He's about to get down on his knee when she stops him. Des drops the bombshell that she let Drew go home, and that Brooks leaving tore apart her heart.

Then she says, “I was so blindsided by my feelings for Brooks, that I couldn't see that the one thing I needed was right in front of me.”

The birds sing, the violins start, then they both sniff and cry.

Chris finally gets down on his knee and proposes.

Hooray! It's over!!!

P.S. Des joined the host on stage for the live show, but I turned off the TV. I hope you understand.

The Bachelorette, Season 9, Finale Part 1 "The Crying Game"

ABC has been teasing us with a big twist that is so shocking they had to split the finale into two shows.

Drew, Chris, and the Brookster
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Here's my guess, Des picks Brooks, but he confesses that although he enjoys making out with her in exotic locations while being filmed, he doesn't want to give her special naked hugs for the rest of his life.

Des has narrowed the list down of twenty-five freakish men to three; Brooks, Drew, and Chris.

Before you can say beach blanket bingo, Des packs her bikini and whisks us and her camera crew off to Antigua.

She tells us, “This week is going to be the next step in my life. I can't think of a better place for my fairy tale ending to come true.”

Des does a quick recap about her potential soul mates.

She says, “Chris has all these masculine qualities that I admire, but he's also boyish and silly.”

She also thought he was the guy with the biggest masculine quality. He was also the first to tell her that he loved her. “I could trust Chris with my heart,” she says, “and I'd be very lucky to end up with him.”

Gee, why doesn't she pick him?

Next she tells us Drew has always struck her as someone who is passionate and romantic.

“His body is off the charts, but he's so humble and sweat. He'll be a great husband and father. If Drew and I end up together, we'll have a deep connection and a very happy life.”

Gee, why doesn't she pick him?

Then she tells us this, “I separate Brooks from the other guys. When I'm with him, I see my future. He's one of a kind. I love that about him. And even though he hasn't told her that he's loves her, she can tell by the way he kisses her.”

Gee, why would she choose him?

Drew is first up for the overnight date. He's all Colgate smiles and loveliness. They explore the island, party with the locals, buy souvenirs, and make out.

Drew says, “Today is about living in the moment.”

Good because this is probably your last date with her.

They have a picnic and Drew tells her his family LOVES her, like with a capital 'L'.

Des is probably imagining what Brooks looks like while he's napping.

They were supposed to have a romantic dinner on the beach but it rains. Poo. So they hurry speedy quick to the fantasy suite. She gives Drew the opportunity to stay the night and he takes her up on it.

Duh.

Drew repeats how much he loves her and he tells her that he's ready to marry her.

Des is probably wondering if Brooks is a boxer of brief kind of guy.

Next, we're treated to a painful therapy session back home with Brooks. He spends a lot of time walking by himself trying to figure out if he's in love with Des. He visits his mom and sister for advice.

Dear ABC,

I totally see through your plan. This is all a set up to drive ratings.

Brooks spends way too much time talking about himself. I'm already bored. He says he wants to be in love. His sister tells him, “At this point you should know if you're in love, dummy.”

Okay, I added the dummy part.

There's a lot of guitar strumming in the background as Brooks continues to talk about his needs and how he's so confused. Blah, blah, blah...

Chris is the next to land on the island of Des.

She says, “He expresses how much he loves me every time I see him. So I just want this day to be about having fun.”

Translation, “I like Brooks the best, so I'm just going to make out with Chris until he gets here.”

They tour the island by helicopter and Chris spends most of the time, trying to come up with rhymes for 'helicopter'.

He says, “I have no doubt she's sharing the same feelings of love that I have.”

Meanwhile, Brooks is trying to decide which socks to pack.

Des makes a toast to Antigua, beaches and spending more time with Chris. And silently in her heart, that Brooks's plane lands early. They eat a picnic of fruit and giggle about how fun it was to impress his family with her effortless charm.

Chris tells us, “I'll be there with her in the sad times, to give her a hug and be with her for the good times. I can see myself with her for the rest of my life.”

Sad times, huh? I think there might be one coming up soon.

Meanwhile, Brooks is trying to decide how much sugar to add to his coffee.

During the romantic dinner, Chris mentions he has a great job prospect in Seattle and he asks Des if she would consider moving there. He also throws in a cute house by the water. Des smiles and says California is her home.

Translation, “Seattle is too far from where Brooks lives.”

She pulls out the fantasy suite key and Chris says it's a great opportunity to spend more time with her.

Duh.

Meanwhile, Brooks is trying to decide if he should go to the bathroom before leaving the house.

In the fantasy suite, Chris pulls out his secret weapon...another poem.

Okay, enough we get it, you can rhyme. Please stop.

Des tells us, “Chris is so perfect for me in so many ways.”

Translation, “I'll still pick Brooks.”

Guess who's next????

The Brookster arrives and Des can barely contain herself. “Even though I'm falling in love with the other guys, I have a deeper feeling for Brooks. I'm so excited to see him.”

Brooks and the host have a little interview.

Dear ABC,

I'm on to you! You're adding drama to fill in the second hour.

I won't be duped by ABC, I fast forward though the Brooks-is-confused- interview. I check at the three minute mark and the host says, “If you're not ready, then spend some time in the fantasy suite with her.”

Brooks responds with, “If I don't feel it now, I won't feel it with more time.”

Too bad he didn't realize this BEFORE he got on the plane.

I fast forward again and at the ten minute mark Brooks says, “I just wish I were there.” There's a sad piano solo in the background as the host tells Chris to man up and tell Des the truth.

Here we go, it's the moment ABC has been teasing us with all week!!!!

Des is expecting a date and Brooks is preparing to break up with her...or at least what you call not planning on dating the girl who is dating two other guys.

She rushes down to the beach to great Brooks. The sad piano begins to play. That was her first clue. The second clue was Brooks showing up with tears running down his face.

Aw, her heart melts because she thinks he's so enraptured. Then he says, “I just want to talk to you about how I feel.”

Red flag! Red flag! Red flag!



Brooks does a lot of sighing and squirming, he can't even look at Des. His speech totally sucks. He goes with the 'you're a much better person than I am'. The camera zooms in and you can actually see the moment that Des's heart breaks.

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He stumbles through his words and it makes no sense. He finally tells her that when she's not around he doesn't think about her. He really wants to be madly in love with her, but...

Dear ABC,

PLEASE TURN OFF THE CAMERAS.

I kind of wish Mikey and James were there to beat the crap out of him.

Des asks the million dollar question, “Why now?”

His answer, “I didn't know until I saw you today.”

Des tells him that she loves him. Then they both break down crying into their elbows because neither one can cry on each others shoulder.

The locals gather around the white couple sobbing on the bench.

Here's how the next ten minutes play out; Des creaks out how much she loves him between sniffs, and Brooks sits with his head in his hands.

He tells us, “I'm surprised at how much she loves me.”

Not by the time this airs, I'm guessing.

Des drops the bombshell that she's been holding back and not falling for the other guys because she was saving her heart for HIM.

I'm surprised there isn't blood coming out of his nose.

Then he asks her, “Should I go home?”

Joe Jeezer! Can this guy not make a decision about anything? This is how I'm imaging Des's life with Brooks would be like:

“Honey, is it time to take out the garbage?”

“Des, should I walk the dog now?”

“Am I thirsty for milk or water?”

“Do I like Chinese or should we order pizza?”

Des tells him to sit on the bench, then she leaves him crying in the middle of the palm trees. He walks around aimlessly, I'm guessing because he can't decide which bench to choose.

Des tells the camera she's now left with the task of letting down two awesome guys because she doesn't love them as much as Brooks. She says the journey for her is over.

I guess not for ABC though, because next week there's another two hour finale.

What will happen? Will Des dump both guys?

The Bachelorette, Season 9, Episode 8 "Penguins, Promise Rings, and Popped Vertebrae"

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The four remaining dudes; Zak, Drew, Brooks, and Chris, take Des to meet their families.

Zak is up first. He tells us he has a crazy family, even crazier than him.

Oh dear. 

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 He asks Des if she's nervous, but she isn't.

Hasn't he watched the show? She's the one who is in demand, not him.

Zak tells her this bizarre dream, and I wonder why this wasn't edited out since it made no sense and there wasn't any point. Before things get too weird (too late) Zak comes around the corner in his family's snow cone truck.

They go to an elementary school where Des gets to serve thirty screaming kids. Then Zak turns up dressed like a huge penguin.

This is getting tired.

Des is more optimistic and says she could serve snow cones to kids all day long.

That's good since it's the family business.

When they finally visit Zak's family, they scream more than the kids around the snow cone truck.

Sugar anyone?

Zak's mom, Maryann, takes Des aside. I'm waiting for the interrogation, but Maryann's eyes are twinkling and she talks about sparks and love.

Des and Zak's sister, Carly, have a giggle fest, but she tells us off camera that she's afraid of her brother getting hurt.

At least there's always the penguin suit.

The evening ends with Zak and his siblings singing a song for Des—actually written for her.

This is creepy. Can you say, “Take our brother please!”

Zak tells her that he loves her and gives her a ring that he bought in Atlantic City. The black suburban of love pulls up and it's time for Des to go.

Why? Because she has to meet her other boyfriend's families, silly!

Des travels to Arizona to meet Drew's crowd. There's a lot of kissing at first, then Drew explains all the family dynamics of step-parents and in-laws and Des starts to look worried.

Does this mean no song?

But things go more perfectly than the Arizona weather. Drew's Mom takes him aside and he confides that he's shared all their family history with her and she's totally cool with everything.

Of course his amazing abs help, plus he's the best kisser and has the best bod.

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Drew's Dad thinks he and Des are a perfect match. Des wants to stay with his family FOREVER.

Zak who?

Drew makes it official and he tells Des he loves her and wants her to be his future.

PICK DREW! Sorry, just yelling at the TV.

Oh dear. The black suburban of love pulls up. Time for another family to charm.

Chris takes Des to his neighborhood baseball park. Chris is overjoyed when he discovers Des can catch and hit. Then they enjoy some time getting to second base.

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Chris's family must have been spying on Zak's family because they squeal and jump in the air even higher. Chris's dad is a chiropractor with an office in the basement. He gives Des a back treatment. Between the cracks and snaps they talk about Chris.

His mom is hesitant and is concerned because his last girlfriend really broke his heart. Everyone is on egg shells, waiting to hear mom's judgment. And....it's an A+! Mom has been very stoic up until this moment, but now she can't stop crying.

Des does it again!

Oh my God! So many hearts are going to be crushed!!!

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Brooks welcomes Des to Utah. She jumps into his arms like none of the other guys and their crying moms exist. He explains that they have a great relationship, but you know, she's also dating other guys.

Yeah, dude, that's the show.

They go canoeing and I check my e-mail. Brooks warns Des that his family is super excited to meet them. And he isn't lying, they swarm Des like a mob of school kids around a snow cone truck.

And everyone is wearing name tags.

Janice, Brooks' mom, interviews Des, but Des turns the tables and asks if she thinks Brooks is ready for marriage. When Brooks meets with his mom, there's a lot of ambiguity, but she sort of gives her blessing for Des to join their family. It seems everyone is on board except for maybe Brooks.

I don't get the fluffy happy feelings from him.

Des returns to her home in L.A. She has a meeting with her brother before the rose ceremony. She hasn't seen him since the Sean debacle.

Really? I thought he saved her.

He asks her who she loves the most, and she gives each guy nice compliments. He wants to meet them, but Des is hesitant since she doesn't realize he was absolutely right about Sean. She tells him she'll think about it.

YES! LET YOUR BROTHER MEET THEM. I bet he'd tell her straight up that Brooks isn't the one.

Before the rose ceremony, Des sits with the host. She admits that she loves Brooks, yet he hasn't reciprocated. Then I fast forward because I'm sick of hearing the same stuff.

Here's what we've all been waiting for:

Brooks gets the first rose.

Chris gets the second.

And the third rose goes to...Drew.

Zak is going back home to the snow cone truck alone. Des tells him that she doesn't feel as strongly and he is so great that he deserves to have someone love him as much. Then she gives back the ring.

*Cue the sad piano solo*

Zak does his best monologue hoping to get a chance to be the next bachelor.

I'd say he has a snow cone's chance in hell.

The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 7 “Like, Love, and Mr. Lonely"

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Des and the boys go to Madeira Island!

She says this is a pivotal week to see how the guys really feel about her.

Um, I think they like you. That's the whole point of signing up for the show.

Des has invited some pals from last season's The Bachelor to help her decide.

What?

Catherine is there with her BIG engagement ring, plus the one with red hair and a blond chick. Catherine talks about how she and Sean are each others best friend.

Who cares? I've moved on.

Des needs advice about the guys who are left. The blond one says, “It's nice that you like them, but are you falling in love with anyone?”

Good question.

Des confirms that yes indeed, she is in love...with one of them.

The guys come out for some swimsuit time and the girls get out the binoculars. Immediately they let Des know which one they would pick. They ask Des very important questions about each guy.

Here are the results:

           Drew, best kisser and most outrageous abs.                
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Drew is the best kisser.

Michael is the most successful.

Chris is the most athletic.

Drew has the best body.

Zak is the most adventurous.

And she guesses Chris may have the biggest man part.

Well, I think that covers it.

Brooks is chosen to go on a solo date.

Chris says it's obvious they have a connection and it makes him nervous.

I guess he doesn't know he has the biggest, ahem...asset of the group.

Des and Brooks travel to the edge of a cliff.

How is ABC going to give them a private concert on a cliff?

Then they discuss the difference between like and love—there's a lot of awkward giggling. They take a drive way up to the top of the clouds.

During the picnic, Brooks and Des seem like they're trying hard to convince each other they're in love, or falling in love, or ready to fall in love.

Then they talk about clouds...a lot.

 

Their evening dinner date consists of Des talking about falling in love. I'm too distracted by Brooks's creepy Freddy Kruger sweater.

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Brooks talks about his family and gets weepy.

Just like their other solo date.

Des makes it obvious she's falling in love, but he tells the camera he's a few steps behind. When she asks if he wants her to meet his family, he takes a long pause then says, “Yeah.”

Poor Des.

Chris gets the next solo date. And he is super excited! He's ready to propose.

Take that Brooks and your stupid sweater.

They take a yacht to a deserted island, but still have time to slather sunscreen on each other and make out.

They have a picnic on a flowery bank. When they drink all the wine, Chris suggests they write a message and put it in the empty bottle. They create a poem together about love. It sounds very grade ten, but he's a mortgage broker, so well done.

Then Chris tells us he has something to share with Des.

His big...secret?

It's time for the candlelit dinner. Chris is ready to tell Des that he's in love with her. After a lot of sweating and talk about kids and families, he whips out his...poem.

Oh my nerves. Another poem.

At the end, he finally tells her he loves her.

Des tells us he has all the qualities she's looking for.

Yeah, we know. He has a big personality.

Michael gets to go on the next solo date. They explore the local shops.
 

                                                        

Mr. Lonely

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I'm confused. Why isn't she out with Drew? I really like Drew.

They have a little wine on a private bench with a waterfall in the background.

I'm shocked no one has said, 'amazing' yet.

Des is worried that she hasn't seen any vulnerability from him.

He stares at his salad and tells her how grateful he is for the time they spent today. He talks about his family and he assures Des, his mom would totally love her. Then he brings up the diabetes again.

Des says, “Michael is always positive.”

Except when he has to go on dates with Ben.

Michael then tells her about his big break-up with his last girlfriend, and how he's been Mr. Lonely for the last year and a half. But he confides that he's feeling all the feels with her, and it's lovely, happy times.  

Des eats it up.

Drew and Zak are going on the two on one date with Des. Both dudes are psyched to get the date rose.

They arrive at a go-cart race track. Des makes things exciting by telling the guys whoever wins the next face gets a surprise. Zak is a speed demon and wins the race.

All three enjoy a picnic, or rather Des enjoys having two guys constantly vie for her attention. Zak's big prize is to meet with Des first.

Hey, don't worry, Drew. Des has lots of practice making out with guys one after the other.

Zak shows her his sketch book with his drawings of all their dates.

Don't forget Zak is the dude who came out of the limo with no shirt.

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Next, it's Drew's turn.

One of Drew's qualities is that he is very articulate. If anyone can woe her with words, it's him. And he does. Nothing says, I love you like whispering 'I love you' right before you kiss her.

*Swoon*

Des give the rose to Drew.

And the peasants rejoice.

The rose ceremony is next!

Des has a little chat with the host. She tells him Drew is definitely husband material, but she begins to cry when she admits to being in love with Brooks.

Maybe she's crying because he doesn't love her.

Or maybe she's crying because Brooks doesn't have Chris's personality...in his pants.

Brooks gets the first rose. Chris gets the next one. It's down to Michael and Zak!

Zak gets the last rose.

Michael, the prosecutor from Miami, who just learned to love again is once again crushed by cruel Cupid and his cruel ways. He does his best to lay on the guilt about how much his mom would have loved her and how no girl from now on will ever, EVER measure up to Des.

“I wish you the best,” he says.

Case closed.

Mr. Lonely calls him mom from the limo, and he's crying about how he's tired of woman breaking his heart.

Oh dear.