The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 9 "The Women Tell All"

Or better title "The Women Whine A lot"

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The worst thing about reality shows is that prior stars participants keep showing up, trying to mooch some camera time. We have to listen to the host probe ask Catherine about her wedding night with Sean. I'll spare you the witty banter because there was none.

Now it's time for the only reason people tune into this show; to see the women dish dirt.

Let the complaining begin...

First, there are the usual shots of Juan Pablo's chest and various other muscles. Yeah, we get it, he's hot. However, ABC seems like it's taking a page from Andi's playbook and begins to hint that maybe Juan is too hot and therefore must be superficial.

Most of the girls (some I don't even recognize) must have been talking with Andi backstage, and they use their last precious seconds of fame to call out Juan and his lack of interest in anything that wasn't related to his hotness.

Hmm...it's like ABC is trying to create drama to fill the hour and a half show.

Kelly, the dog lover, says the show doesn't portray what really happened and editing is to blame.

It's reality TV, not real life, dummy.

Andi pipes up hoping to get another close up and says Juan wasn't looking for a wife, he was looking for a girl friend.

*Gasp*

Of course. What kind of psycho signs up for a show thinking they'll fall in love with a complete stranger after a month? Oh...never mind.

It sounds to me like Andi is still pretty miffed that he didn't beg her to stay when she decided to leave the show. But she's a lawyer, so whatever she says must be true, right?

Actually, coming on the show to find a girlfriend or boyfriend would make much more sense. Maybe he's the only sane one of this bunch. Well, except Sharleen and Renee.

Kat turns up the heat a notch and calls Juan out for his ever changing rules on kissing and making out in the ocean with Clare.

Remember that debacle?

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 Sharleen sits with the host and defends her reasons for leaving the show. Most importantly she knew a proposal was on the line and she wasn't ready to commit to that yet.

She must have some sort of connection still with him because she ended up defending him when the losers non-rose receiving contestants, complained he was never curious about their lives.
Renee is next but I fell asleep during her video montage. But, guess what? She's engaged!

Hooray! Is it the little league coach?

Andi is up next and she holds no punches. Her main complaint, other than Juan not asking about her favorite ice cream flavor, is that he told her she barely made it into the top three.

Well, she was the one who dumped him, so I don't blame him for trying to save face. Plus, she's a lawyer and they're totally into telling the truth.

After that painful ordeal, it's time for Juan Pablo to sit and take his medicine. 

He says from the very beginning he wouldn't change anything and was just trying to be honest. He explained why he took things slow with Renee, but then he wandered off into weird kissing rules and I started to nod off again.

When I woke up Cassandra was all red faced and calling him out for being unfair to Renee's son, Ben.

Um...I think someone's still bitter about getting dumped on her birthday.

There's a boring discussion about being fair and equal and I really think if these women were concerned about those issues they wouldn't have signed up for the show anyway.

Moving on...Andi is still hoping for Juan to cry and admit that he should never have let her go. She brings up the whole 'you're looking for a girlfriend not a wife' argument.

Sharleen attests that he asked a lot of questions about herself.

Gee, maybe he only asked those kinds of questions to women he saw as potential wives.

Kelly the dog lover, is tired of the audience clapping at everything Sharleen says. She brings up Juan Pablo's remarks about how there shouldn't be a gay Bachelor. As the daughter of a gay parent, she was really offended.

Juan requests to ask to speak with Kelly privately after the show to better explain what he meant. Victoria pipes up from the back row and says she's tired of him using his poor English as an excuse.

Remember Victoria? She got loaded and proved to the whole world she's a mean drunk.

Sharleen parachutes in and rescues Juan again by saying in a particular conversation they had about that topic, he was open-minded.

                                                                            Lucy Goosey ;)

Lucy, 'the free spirit' ends the whole thing brilliantly. She says, "We're not in a game, we're in a relationship and all we wanted was to be treated equal by you."

Um...it is a contest. And you lost.

The host dangles the carrot by saying the final episode is something we've never seen before and to prove it, ABC shows us a teaser trailer.

There's bikinis, making out, beaches, and girls crying by themselves on hotel beds.

Yup, that sounds brand spanking new.

Here's what will happen next week. He'll pick Nikki. Clare will cry her 'tender heart' out. The End.

Actually, I'll be shocked if they're still together. I'm kind of wondering if Sharleen might change her mind.

Anyhoo, rumour has it that Andi will be the next Bachelorette. I hope the guys bring their bullet proof vests.

Juant more episode recaps?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4 "K-pop, Karaoke, and Kissing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 5 "Making Out, Freaking Out, and Backing Out"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 6 "Geysers, Good-byes, and Gagging"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 7 "Reality Bites, Miami Nights, and Cat Fights"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 8 "Bull Riding, Bullseyes, and Bullying Big Sisters

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 9 "Overnight, Overcome, and Overboard"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 6, "Geysers, Good-byes, and Gagging"

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The eight remaining contestants go to New Zealand!

*Cue the sheep on the hills*

Juan Pablo says those words that are somehow part of the script of this show, “I'm ready to take this to the next level.”

Chelsie tells us, "To be in New Zealand and dating this one amazing man...?”

Yeah, who is dating seven other girls.

Kat says she wants to kick it up a notch.

I think she means the next level.

Cassandra says she feels guilty because she misses her son, but she's anxious to....yup you guessed it, take it to the next level.
 

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Claire voices her concerns about her escapades from last week. “I thought we were good, then everything blew up in my face.”

I'm sure that wasn't a Freudian slip. *Rolls eyes*

Andi gets chosen for her first one on one date. And she's soooooo excited.

Dear Andi,

Most dates are only two people. That's how warped this show has turned your brain.

Claire says, "My emotions are bubbling. Things are building and might just erupt in New Zealand."

She likes the volcano metaphors.

Juan Pablo takes Andi power boating.

I hope she didn't spend any time on her hair.

They get into their bathing suits and jump out of the boat. Juan Pablo leads her through this narrow rock maze while treading freezing cold water.

Andi tells us, “It feel good to be taken care of.”

Dear Andi,

If you wanted to feel taken care of, he would have taken you to the spa.

They stumble and trip and eventually find the hot springs—where they make out like crazy under a waterfall.

Andi says, “The bond between us grows stronger the farther we go.”

Hmm...Freudian slip?

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They have diner in front of a geyser. Juan says, “I think diner will blow her mind.”

Then the geyser goes off, soaking them both. They move to a spot that's dry. Andi asks Juan what he wants. He says he wants love and to have more children.

She says she can't wait to start a family. Juan zips open his jacket and gives her the date rose.

He tells us, “Andi is opening up her heart to me and it will be worth it in the end.”

*snort* Yeah, right, when he picks Claire.

GROUP DATE!

They have a picnic on a hillside. It's also Cassandra's 22 birthday. But no one thought to bring a cake.

Then they don their bathing suits and get inside huge plastic hamster balls that roll downhill. There's lots of screaming and gratuitous bikini shots.

The cocktail party takes place in Hobbitville. Cassandra is determined to get some time with Juan. She's using her birthday wish for the date rose.

Juan tells Renee she's his special one. Renee says he sees her and her son as a package and not a burden. And that gives her hope.

Nikki uses her time with Juan to 'step outside her comfort zone'. She tells him she's scared because she's totally falling for him and she might get hurt.

Dear Nikki,

You signed up for this stupid show.

Juan runs his fingers through her hair, then eases her anxiety with his mouth.

Sharleen wants to feel more confident about their relationship so she's ready to ask Juan all kinds of questions. Juan tells her not to question things, but to make the most of out 'this'.

And by 'this' he means making out.

Cassandra tells Juan she's so excited to meet a single dad who is also a nice guy.

And by nice guy, she means, “good kisser.”

Sharleen gets the date rose.

 

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Juan takes Cassandra aside. It's raining. He tells her its hard for him because she's one of his special ones. And she's beautiful, and she's funny, and they always have good times...but he wishes they were on the same page.

Dear Juan Pablo,

That's because she's ten years younger than you.

Anyway, he tells Cassandra he was pleased to meet her, but he doesn't see anything else happening with them. And he wants her to go back home to her son.

Happy Birthday, Cassanda!!!

Don't do it, Cassandra. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

Damn it.

“I just feel sick,” she weeps.

Juan walks back to Hobbitville under an umbrella while a sad piano song plays.

It's time for Claire's one on one date.

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She lets us know she's ready for him to apologize to her for hurting her feelings last week. Juan starts the conversation by running his fingers through her hair. He says, “I'm sorry. It was my mistake.”

Claire replies with, “I just wanted to go in the ocean and swim. We just let things go." Then she adds, "Right now, what are our boundaries?”

Blah, blah, blah...they start making out three sentences later.

Juan takes her back to his suite. He asks if her heart is melting at all. She smiles and flips her hair and tells him about her fear of getting hurt. Then she tells him he owned it like a man and apologized. And those are the qualities she wants in the father of her children.

He tells us Claire is hot. He's even getting hot just thinking about her.

Gag.

He gives her the date rose and they make out.

It's time for the rose ceremony. Which is exciting because that means this episode is almost over.

Nikki doesn't have a rose, but she's certain she has a connection with Juan that none of the other girls have.

Oh man! Seriously?

 

He runs his fingers through her hair, and they kiss. They do some flirty, silly talk and she lets him know she's looking for a happy ending.

Juan says, “She told me she really likes me and I'm like, wow.”

And I'm like, yawn.

Chelsie sits with Juan Pablo and lets him know she wants real, genuine love that will last forever. Juan tells her it will be okay. However, he doesn't run his fingers through her hair.

 

Kat tells Juan she was writing in her journal the other night about how she's reluctant to trust guys because her dad was a complete disaster in her life. Then she talks about reward and risk.

*Hits fast forward*

The first rose goes to Nikki, followed by Renee. Now it's just Kat and Chelsie that are left.

Oh my nerves, after a full minute of building music he gives the last rose to Chelsie.

Go science!

Don't cry, Kat. Don't cry. Don't cry.

Damn it.

Kat says, “I totally saw myself at the end with him.”

Dear Kat,

Don't worry. Have a good cry. The sun will come out again.

Sharleen blinks back the tears and says she feels guilty. She says the other girls would be better suited to Juan Pablo. But she'll give it another week and see if there's anything between them.

Dear Sharleen,

I feel the same way about this show. See you next week.

Juant more Bachelor recaps?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4 "K-pop, Karaoke, and Kissing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 5 "Making Out, Freaking Out, and Backing Out"

The Bachelor Season 18, Episode 5 "Making Out, Freaking Out, and Backing Out."

Juan Pablo may be charming the ladies on the show, but he's no Tom Branson. Just sayin...

Another single father looking for love in Downton Abbey.
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The remaining eleven contestants are whisked off from South Korea to Vietnam.

Juan tells us he's excited to take things to the next level.

Oh my nerves. When they start talking about 'the next level' you know someone will end up crying.

Kat says, “Korea was beautiful, but this is like...trees, flowers and nature.”

She should work for Hallmark.

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The girls freak out at the super fantastic luxury apartment.

Nikki lets us know she wants a one on one so bad. Remember how much crying she did last episode?

Renee gets to go on the solo date. She said it would be perfect if they finally kiss.

This should be interesting. I feel like he's kept her around because she's so good at consoling the other girls.

They go to a market place and it's so humid they're both sweating through their shirts. He takes her to a shop where they custom tailor a dress for her.

Then they stroll along, sample food, shop, take selfies, and talk about their kids. It's casual...maybe too casual.

Let's fast forward to the evening portion of the date. Renee shows up in her custom designed dress.

Juan tells us, “She looks good in that dress.”

Good...not amazing. Interesting.

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Renee loves the romantic setting of the restaurant. Juan keeps her talking about her son, Ben.

He says, “She's a good mom. Maybe there is something here.”

Renee keeps leaning in, but he only brushes the hair off her face.

However, he gives her a date rose and a kiss...on the cheek.

They put lighted lanterns in the water and make wishes. Renee wishes for a kiss. Juan explains to us that he's not going to kiss Renee because he respects the fact she has a son at home.

So does Cassandra, but he kissed her!

The group date begins with the girls partnering up to go rowing in circular bamboo rafts. Claire gets the boat with Juan Pablo. He gives her a kiss the first time they get stuck in the vines.

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I guess he forgot Sean's rule about not making out in front of the other girls.

They come ashore spend time at a family garden.

Andi is totally bummed at being on a group date. She takes Juan Pablo aside to whine voice her concerns. He tells her, “I want you to be here. Trust me.”

She buys it.

During lunch, Claire spends a lot of time eating one piece of rice at a time. The waiter even asks if she was going to eat anything.

The sun goes down and that means only one thing—drinks and tears. He takes Claire first for some 'one on one' time and the other girls feel like they're on Claire and Juan's private date.

She tells us, “I'm not just here on a world tour. I'm here for him.”

Juan takes her to his suite because he wants to show her how special she is to him. They make out in the pool.

He takes Sharleen for a walk on the beach. She tells us, “It's hard to go from feeling special and singled out to a random face in the crowd. I need to understand that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”

Hey, nothing wrong with brown bears.

She had a series of questions for him, but once they start kissing she forgets what she wants to ask him.

One by one Juan Pablo takes the girls away. Andi starts to feel doubtful again, but Juan takes her for a walk. They sit on the beach, watch the waves and make out.

Who will get the date rose?

Juan tells the girls he had great conversations with them all. Claire gets the date rose for “doing things out of her comfort zone.”

What? Eating?

Claire tells us she really wants to swim in the ocean. It's four in the morning so she calls on Juan Pablo. He's ready in two seconds. They make out in the waves.

Hello. Undertow.

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Claire decides to really get out of her comfort zone and her bikini. She tells the camera, “Total bliss. You know when a baby giraffe is born with those wobbly legs? That's how it feels.”

Things that make you go, hmm.

Nikki gets ready for her date. She decides to wear a silver headband.

Juan says, “Last night I had a great night with Claire. She's sexy and she's got something that I like. But today I'm ready for Nikki. She's so smart and sexy too. I have feelings for both of them so its hard.”

Hard? *Giggles*

He takes her to a temple and they talk about how excited how excited they are to be with each other. Then he breaks the news they'll be repelling down a bottomless chasm.

What about swimming in the ocean? Maybe some pizza and a movie?

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Nikki fights the tears and says she's willing to take risks for love. Then she starts to panic and can't stop shaking.

I'm having flashbacks to Chelsie's bungee jump.

It takes them a hundred years to reach the bottom. Juan lets her rest for a bit and gives her some kissing therapy.

What magic does this dude have in his spit?

Nikki reaches the bottom and gets more kissing as reward. They escape and have dinner in a much nicer cave with candles and huge wine glasses.

They talk about faults and she teaches him how to pronounce pediatrics. She says she likes the innocence of kids—plus she has a huge heart and is super compassionate.

In case you're wondering, I'm a fabulous dancer and I make a mean meatloaf.

Juan tells her, “I like Nikki.” And he gives her the date rose.

In case you're wondering, I like maple syrup.

Nikki tells us, “I feel electrified. Like I stuck my finger in a light socket.”

I feel nauseous. Like I ate too much pizza.

The pre-rose cocktail party is decorated with lanterns. The girls are decorated in tight dresses and stilettos. Claire says she's ready to get out of her comfort zone.

Again?

Juan arrives and lets the girls know three of them will be going home tonight. He plants himself beside Claire and she gives the toast. “Here's to finding love and making love.”

Juan tells us, “What am I going to do? I love these girls. It's so hard.”

Hard. *Giggles*

Renee finally gets her kiss. Yay! I think church bells rang in the distance.

Juan monologues to the camera that he regrets what happened with Claire the 'other night.'

He asks her if anyone else knows. She says no. Juan tells her it probably wasn't right but it already happened. So, yeah...

????

Claire gets weepy and tries to explain her motivation for 'the other night.'

He tells her he wants to be fair to the other girls.

Sounds like somebody has some regrets. Sounds like somebody is trying to back out of something.

But she says it's all about how your heart feels. He says he doesn't want his daughter to see what happened.

Well, then maybe you shouldn't have gone into the water, Dummy.

Claire does her best pout. “I feel stupid and embarrassed.”

He says, “I just want you to know what I'm thinking.”

Claire cries to the camera, “I really try to follow my heart. I only have the best intentions. I didn't want to disrespect his daughter.”

She leaves the party and threatens to 'crawl back in her shell'. Juan follows her.

Dummy.

I can't handle this anymore. *Hits fast forward*

The girls are wondering what all the drama is about. I predict this will be the main topic during the 'girls tell all' episode.

It's time for the rose ceremony.

The Host brings up the fact the mood got tense but that's good because it means they're emotionally invested...it's also good for ratings.

Sharleen gets the first rose, followed by Cassandra, Chelsie (go science), and Kat.

The last rose goes to...Andi.

Going home are Danielle, Kelly, and Alli. To be honest, I can't remember Alli. And Danielle seems to normal to be on the show anyway. I suspect she's was doing research as a psychiatric nurse.

Juan cries while he hugs them good-bye.

Danielle realizes there wasn't a strong connection and she said it was hard to see him cry.

Alli pulls it together and lets us know Juan is special and deserves good love.

Oh, don't worry, Alli, he has.

Still Juant more bachelor recaps?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4 "K-pop, Karaoke, and Kissing"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"

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It's a new week and there are only fifteen girls left!

Cassandra, the cry baby from last episode, is going on the next solo date. She keeps telling us she hasn't been on a date since she was eighteen and she's really nervous. Juan Pablo tells us he realizes she has a child waiting for her at home and won't waste her time.

They spin around in an amphibious vehicle. That's a car that can drive on land and be a power boat on the water. We have several in Halifax for tourists, they're called the Harbour Hoppers.

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Cassandra has never heard of these. She says, “This is like something out of a movie.”

Or Halifax.

They 'park' beside a yacht and Cassandra is no longer worried or nervous. She peels off her cover-up, showing off her bikini. She says, “I'm going to trust Juan.”

'Trusting' Juan looks a lot like making out with Juan.

After frolicking in the water, they go back to his mansion and he cooks for her. She reminds us again that she hasn't dated in three years. He gives her an impromptu dance lesson to make her more comfortable.

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She says, “I'm so surprised I'm so relaxed.”

It's the wine, sweetheart.

They move onto dessert. She tells us again she hasn't had a date in three years. They look at pictures of each others kids. Cassandra tells Juan she's having a great time with him today. Guess how long it's been since she's felt like this for a guy?

Yes, that's right. Three years! Which coincidentally is how long this episode already feels.

The next day Juan takes the group date to a soccer field.

Side note, girls play waaaaay dirtier than any FIFA match. This should be interesting.

The girls show up and watch Juan play with the Galaxy team. The dudes show off their moves for the screaming ladies.

Oh Gawd! Horrible high school flash back.


Allie, the Nanny, is also a soccer player so she's totally stoked to show off. The girls have a quick practice with Juan and then they split into teams.

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Sharlene uses all of her body parts to block the ball, including her face. Juan thinks her grit is attractive.

One team won, one team lost. Whatever.

The evening portion of the group date consists of wine, candles and couches throughout the empty stadium.

Juan takes Nikki for the first one on one. She talks about how scared she is to 'open up and put herself out there.'

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I wish I had a nickel for every frickin' time those girls said that phrase.

He takes Andi, the lawyer, into the concession stand. They slip on slushies and talk about love. She tells us, “He makes me giddy.”

It's the sugar, babycakes.

Then they make out by the stainless steel fridge.

Allie tells Juan she wants to have five or six kids so they can have their own soccer team.

Nice strategy, Allie.

Juan takes Sharleen to the middle of the field and lays down a blanket. I'm waiting for her to break out into an aria. They have a steamy kiss and the other girls watch from the upper bowl.

But it's Nikki who gets the date rose.

Andi quickly questions her kissing technique, while Sharleen tells us. “I'm surprised by how much that bothers me.”

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Chelsea, "the science educator", is going on the last solo date. Juan says he wants to make her fears go away and starts singing to the Spanish song on the car radio. She rocks it out like any white girl who is desperate to look cool.

They eat burritos and stuff, then he takes her bungee jumping off a bridge.

Yup. That should help get rid of her fears. What the heck is it with these bachelors making the girls do these ridiculous stunts?

They get strapped together and Chelsea tells him she's terrified.

Juan tells us he's going to try and make her feel comfortable.

God, I hope he doesn't start singing again. If he really wanted her to be comfortable he'd let her back off.

They he says, “We'll do whatever you want to do.”

She steps on the ledge, then they back up...again. He tells her it's okay.


I'll spare you the next ten minutes of the back and forthing that keeps happening. She doesn't want to do it, but she's worried she's not going to get a rose.

Then they jump. Once the bouncing stops, they kiss, upside down, Spiderman style.

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She says, “If we can jump off a bridge together we can do anything.”

They have a private dinner—or at least there are candles and wine glasses.

Juan tells her his biggest fear is not being a role model for his daughter. Chelsea says she's most afraid of not being happy.

Really? I thought it was heights.

Then she tells him she's the black sheep of the family because she's a teacher and the rest of her family are dentists and doctors.

Hmm...brag much?

She gets the date rose.

Then they're treated to a private concert.

*Hits fast forward*

Listen, until they get Duran Duran up there, I'm not watching.

The next morning Juan surprises the girls with an early morning visit to make them breakfast. He looks hot, they're in panamas and no makeup. Afterwards, there's a pool party.

*Cue the bikini's and cat claws*

They all preen themselves pool side staring at Juan's abs.

Sharleen gets a little weepy and tells Juan all the cameras are freaking her out a bit. The cuddle turns into a kiss. Some of the girls aren't impressed. Claire escapes to the house to cry. Renee goes into therapy mode with her.

Oh-uh. Juan forgot Sean's golden rule; Don't make out when the other girls are watching.

Renee must be getting tired of listening to all these crying girls.

Claire goes to see Juan on the cuddle couch and lets him know she's NOT jealous but it was hard listening to hear all the girls talk about their awesome solo dates. Plus, she's been 'putting herself out there' and it's scary.

Juan charms her and soon she's smiling.

Renee and Juan should open up their own counselling clinic.

The rose ceremony is next.

The girls get their make-up and stilettos on.

Andi, the lawyer, gets the first rose. Followed by Renee, Kelli and her dog, Sharleen, Elise, and a few others. I can't name them all because I don't want to get too attached.

The last rose goes to...Danielle.

Lucy the free spirit and some blond chick I don't even recognize, are going back home to real life.

Too bad, they didn't even get a chance to leave the continent.

The blond cries and says this is her worst nightmare. Lucy is also weepy but she leaves us with some hopeful words. “I hope everyone in there finds love one way or the other because everyone deserves to be loved.”

Well, Lucy, at least two people will be happy.

Thirsty for more?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1, "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"

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Remember Juan Pablo from last season's The Bachelorette?

He's a retired professional soccer player who now works as a travelling sports reporter. He's hot, has a great job, and a cute little daughter.

If Juan can't get a date then what the heck is the rest of the population doing?

Oh, he's looking for true love.

And everyone knows the best way to find true love is to make out with strangers on prime time.

He says being a dad is not easy, and that he's always thinking about how his actions will affect Camilla—no matter what he's doing.

Let's remember that little gem for a hot tub scene, shall we?

Juan tells us, “There's a person for everyone. And I'm hoping to fall in love.”

Well, it worked for all the other shows...right?

Sean from The Bachelorette Season 8 and The Bachelor Season 17 shows up to give Juan some advice. Maybe he's going for a record in consecutive reality show appearances.

Dear God, what pearls of wisdom will Sean bestow upon Juan?

Sean says, “Some woman will be wacky, just have fun and go with it.” Then he adds this, “When making out with one girl, make sure the others aren't watching.”

Good to know.

Buckle your safety belts! The girls are about to arrive. I can't wait to meet the crazy one.

Chelsie is a 'science educator'. Um...you mean like a teacher or is she a summer camp counselor?

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There's Renee, a single mom, who is in amazing shape. When do all these single parents have time to work out?

thebachelorfacebook.com

Andi is a prosecutor with a penchant for dressing like she's rehearsing for Law&Order.

Amy is a massage therapist. She says, “I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me.”

I think we just found our freak for this season.

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Nikki is a paediatric nurse. “I want that head over heels feeling. Juan is very sexy.”

Go girl.

Lauren tells us she has a great family life, but her love life sucks. She got engaged, had the dress ready, and the ring, then he broke up with her over the phone. “I want Juan Paulo!” She was already crying and the show hasn't even started.


I fast forwarded through the rest. Suffice to say, they all have long hair and big boobs.

The Host greets Juan Paulo and blah, blah, blah...

The first limo pulls up with loads of squealing.

Amy, a local news reporter is the first to tackle hug Juan Paulo.

Cassandra is a former NBA dancer and she brings a lot of awkward pauses.

Juan is soon overcome with how hot the girls are. He's ready to start picking wives from the first limo.

Nikki the paediatric nurse, brought a stethoscope and lets Juan listen to her racing heart so he can tell how nervous she is.

Hey, Juan got to first base already. Sean would be proud.

Lucy, twirls out of the limo in her white dress with no shoes and is wearing a crown of flowers. She says she's a free spirit. I think she's a fairy on a spy mission.

Lauren arrives on a bike playing the piano. I can smell the desperation through the TV.

Chelsie 'the science educator', tells him they should make chemistry together.

Groan.

Another teacher shows up and gives him a gold star sticker.

What the heck is with all the teachers?

The next girl, Clare, arrives with an obvious baby bump. It's a joke.

Oh my Lord! Amy, the massage therapist has arrived. She manages to keep her hands to herself.

Kelly, a dog lover—yes that's her actual job title, brought her dog. I can't wait to see the other women dodge the dog in their gowns and dresses.

Sharleen arrives in her flowing lavender gown. Juan LOVES her dress. She's an opera singer and she's from Canada! Yeah!

For the record, Sharleen is not only a Murakami fan, but she's the only one who put down someone other than 'Dr. Seuss' for Favorite Author.

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Andi the prosecutor, gets out of the limo in her navel skimming, low cut dress and makes Juan all silly. He even repeats her name a few times.

Yup, Andi's getting a rose.

When all the girls are assembled, Juan walks into the room and all the women giggle and stare at him. He tells them how beautiful they all are. Then he whips out the BOSE stereo and a dance party starts.

And you know what every party needs? Yes, drunk girls crying.

Nikki the nurse gets him alone and they chit chat, she makes him repeat her name a few times.

Smart.

Renee and Juan discuss their kids.

Lucy, the fairy queen, twirls around and tells him, “Don't be nervous, be sure.” He calls her a happy camper. I think he means crazy girl.

Amy decides the best way to bond with Juan is to give him a massage...with his suit on. She discusses how he's one of the most beautiful people in the world.

The Host brings out the 'first impression rose' and the girls are freaking out.

Lauren, the jilted bride, bites her nails and says she needs that rose.

One of the girls from the mid-west said that rose represents her future.

Interesting how normal people lose touch with reality soooo quickly on this show.

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Lauren monologues about her insecurities and starts to cry in front of the camera. “I can't believe I'm the one who's getting worked up.”

I hate to say it, but I did predict this.

Lauren waits alone on the couch. “I want him to see the good energy I have, but I'm breaking a little bit.”

Juan finally meets up with her. Lauren tells Juan about her ex-fiance and how she was ready to be a step-mom to his young son. She's smiling through the story of her break-up, but cries again to the camera.

Andi tells Juan she's a lawyer and he says, “Wow you read a lot.”

She replies with, "I send bad people to jail."

Such compelling conversation for a first date.

                                                                     Sharleen and Jaun. www.wetpaint.com

Juan has some time with Sharleen the opera singer. He compliments her again how much he loves her dress. He tells us her elegance and worldly presence sets her apart from the other girls. He gives her the first impression rose.

She stares at the rose and stammers, “Sure. Thank you.” She's shocked, but she tells the camera she wishes there was more of a connection. She seems awkward to have the rose in front of so many girls who are salivating for it.

I'm thinking Sharleen is just realizing only wackos sign up for this show.  

It's time for the rose ceremony.

The first rose goes to Claire, a girl with long hair and big boobs.

Nikki the nurse is next.

Renee the single mom, also gets a rose.

Andi the lawyer gets a rose. No shock there.

Oh my God, he chose the girl with the dog!

Chelsie the 'science educator' also gets a flower.

Cat is called and Kylie steps forward. Insert awkward moment. Kylie steps back and blinks away tears.

Lucy the fairy skips across the floor for her rose.

There is only one rose left, so of course the host comes out to tell us there's only one rose left.

Kylie, Amy the massage therapist, Lauren, and a bunch of other nameless chicks are left.

Some other girl gets the rose.

Amy cries and says, “I put myself out there completely.”

No, you got on a plane, put on a dress and gave a dude a massage.

Kylie pouts in her neon pink lipstick and lets us know her heart is breaking. She's so ready to find that perfect person.

Lauren says she tired of people feeling sorry for her. She's also shocked she's going home on the first night.

Dear Lauren,

Sell that wedding dress and book a cruise.

She leaves us with these words of wisdom, “I'm going to go home to my family and try to get back to normal.”

Amen to that, sister.