Or better title "Poor Unfortunate Viewer"
This was my face during a certain scene in this episode.
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Sweet Mother of God, what is ABC thinking? More of that later...
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In a flashback we see a young Ursula as a mermaid who is forced by her father (dude from The Ghostbusters!), Poseidon, to lure pirate ships with her beautiful singing voice so they can crash on the rocks, spilling their treasure.
But Ursula soon grows weary of mass murder and confronts her brutal dad. But since his heart has been hardened by the death of Ursula's mom (original!) he tells her as long as she's living in his sea, she lives by his rules.
Knowing the only way to walk away is with legs, Ursula steals a giant plastic bracelet from his vault so she can live on land, singing her heart out like it's the American Idol finale in pubs for drunk pirates.
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*enter Hook*
Cap'N Sexy Eyes is quick to offer her passage on his ship.
But before you can say, heave-ho, Big Daddy and his Triton show up. He strikes a deal with Hook to give him squid ink that will defeat Rumpelstiltskin if he steals Ursula's singing voice with a conch shell.
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How does Poseidon even know Hook wants Rumpelstiltskin/The Dark One dead? Is there a gossip magazine in the Enchanted Forest or something?
Mental Note: Hook has squid ink that can kill Mr. Gold
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Meanwhile, in the race for a happy ending, the Dark Witches (with the help of Mr. Gold) are torturing a newly grownup August, or as his friends call him, Woody. They need to know who The Author is so they can go torture the author to write them a happy ending.
Why? Because everyone knows the only way to get a happy ending is through torture as opposed to like maybe going out into the world and having a life.
August has to endure his painfully growing, extending, wooden phallic...you get the picture...nose towards the fire as Mr. Gold laughs.
Can you imagine the jokes in the special effects room?
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Regina is pretending to be evil, but manages to get a message to Emma by taking over Mary Margaret's body. It was creepy hearing Regina's voice come out of Mary Margaret, but no creepier than August's nose inching further and further...
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While this is going on Hook seeks out Ursula and lifts that eyebrow of his and says he's on to her happy ending and he can help her as long as she does him a huge favour. Nothing big, just opening a portal to fish his ship out of the sea.
Before you can say calamari, Ursula slips one of her tentacles into Storybrooke's harbour and is able to penetrate into another portal.
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Mental Note: Things that can open portals
#1. Magic Bean
#2. Mermaids
#3. Spells (but only certain spells at certain times)
#4. Tentacles
Ursula retrieves the Jolly Roger, but it's tiny and in a glass bottle.
WTH? When did the Jolly Roger end up in a bottle?
Anyway, the ship is quickly transformed to its original size. Hook hands over the magic shell that contains her singing voice, but it doesn't take. So the natural reaction is for Hook to pull a gun on Ursula. He's so charming!
Ursula throws him overboard.
Back in the past, Hook was super keen to have a sexy singer on board, he even told her about Poseidon's offer, which he was turning down because why did he even need squid ink at that point in his life?
But Big Daddy shows up on the ship and is super MAD! Hook then realizes he really does need squid ink and steals Ursula's voice after all of that.
Ursula was so miffed she did the only thing a teenage daughter can do to retaliate against authority figures...she turns her mermaid tail into eight slimy tentacles.
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Dad is disgusted or heartbroken or wishing he was part of the new Ghostbusters movie.
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Emma and the rest of the 'heroes' bust into the cabin to save August. But soon, Mary Margaret is being strangled by Ursula. When all hope is gone, Hook stumbles in, saying he was rescued by Ariel. Not only that, but she slipped through the portal and brought back Poseidon.
Why?
Because he has the magic shell with Ursula's voice. After thirty years, he's ready to set things right.
And maybe get a new breastplate.
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The reunion is tidy and quick. Ursula gets her singing voice back, but unfortunately this probably means she's off the show.
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Or at least until that squid ink thing comes up again.*wink wink*
Mental Note:
If mermaids can cross through portals between worlds why did The Dark One go to all the trouble to groom Regina to manipulate her into casting the curse? Why didn't he just hire a mermaid to take him to find Baelfire in our world?
*gets headache*
Also, Regina had a dream about killing Robin Hood. She confides in Emma and asks if she could find his address and maybe follow him on snapchat.
Hook takes Emma aside and tells her she's his happy ending. Happy ending?
Dear ABC,
We get it. You have a penis thing going on this episode.
*wonders how many weird spam comments will be generated by having the word penis in this post*
Before she exits stage right, Ursula tells them, “Head's up, this is the super secret master plan: The Author can’t give villains their happy endings while the Savior is in the world, so Mr. Gold has decided to turn Emma’s heart dark forever.”
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Hook is confused (me too). He says, “But Emma will still exist even if her heart is dark.”
And besides, this is Once Upon A Time, the rules don't matter.
Ursula shrugs, “I’m just the messenger.”
If we're still fool enough after three and a half seasons to be expecting some larger plot arc that will tie all this together, then we're just, well...foolish.
I'm purely watching for the next August 'lying' situation.
Speaking of August, he explained that the Author was trapped in the Storybook itself. OMG! The Author is Flat Stanley!
