Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 9 "Shattered Sight"

Or better title, "Where's Ruby?"



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With the Snow Queen's 'shattered sight' curse in full swing, Storybrooke begins to turn against itself. Mary Margaret and David trade insults across the bars of their cells while Kristoff listens in, convinced all marriages end up this way.

Anna gives up trying to sweet talk Kristoff, she joins Elsa and Emma, trying to brain storm how they plan to battle the Snow Queen. Anna tells them that the shattered sight spell is based on an old Norse legend. In the story, villagers finally broke the spell by killing the king who had cast the spell.

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With murder on their minds, Emma and Elsa leave baby Neil with Anna as they try to figure out a way to kill the Snow Queen.

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Mr. Gold packs for his final departure from Storybrook and acts as the loop hole answer guy. Hook stumbles in, disgusted with how everyone stealing and beating each other up like pirates. Mr. Gold explains that Hook is spared from the curse because his heart isn't in his chest.

I'll try and remember that for the quiz at the end, thanks, Mr. Gold.

He then reminds us of his diabolical plan that involves the stars in the sky perfectly aligning with the stars on his magic hat.

And once this happens (tomorrow night) he'll have enough power to cleave himself from the dagger.  And once that happens...he'll be able to leave Storybrooke with his powers intact and with Belle and Henry in tow.

Phew. Got that?

With the lesson over for the day, he orders Hook to go find where Henry is hiding so he can kidnap him and put him to sleep like Belle. "They'll have no memory of Storybrooke," he says with a Grinchy grin. "Then I'll finally be the hero...not the villain."

Hey, that's Regina's line.

The Snow Queen walks unnoticed among the violent streets (and by violent I mean someone spits) and retrieves two purple stones from her ice cream shop.

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Emma and Elsa arrive to stop her with their slick hand moves, but the ribbons they wear make it impossible for them to harm the Snow Queen.

Darn. What now?

We flashback to young Emma. She's having a hard time at her new foster home—you know, the one run by Ingrid. Emma tries to run away, but Ingrid takes her aside and encourages her to scare the crap out of the tough kid who is bulling her.

Wow! Great psychology. How did you become a foster parent?

Emma and Elsa try everything they can think of to slice the ribbons, but they seem indestructible. Then Emma has an absolutely absurd idea; she reasons since the ribbons which are bond by unfathomable love can only be broken by incredible hate.

Huh?

Who cares? It's a plan. They go to Emma's number one enemy...Regina.

The Snow Queen lounges in her ice palace and brings out a memory from one of the purple stones. We see young Emma and Ingrid having a fun day at the amusement park. With Ingrid's encouragement, Emma uses extreme concentration and manages to get the toy she wanted from the Claw Machine.

Actually, if you've ever tried, getting anything from that machine is a frickin' miracle.

There are tears in Ingrid's eyes as she tells Emma she is super special and has a wonderful gift and to never give up and blah, blah, blah...they hug.

Then Ingrid tells Emma she wants to adopt her. "I'll be the best big sister you could ever hope for."

Cha-ching! A big sister who will someday own an ice cream shop!

Emma uses her magic to break through the containment spell around Regina's vault. Regina has changed into her usual evil Queen attire that's a cross between Prince and The Matrix.

After Emma and Elsa mock her, she throws a fireball of hatred at them. It works! The magic of hatred breaks the ribbon. They skedaddle out of there speedy quick.

Hook finds Henry in the Mayor's office. He breaks in, but Henry manages to slip away after Hook slips on a floor covered in marbles.

*cough* Home Alone *cough* 

Young Emma goes all fangirl over Harry Potter and Ingrid thinks this is a good time to tell Emma she's magic.

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But instead of telling her, Ingrid pulls Emma into the path of a car and orders her to stop the racing vehicle by trusting her instincts. Emma freaks out and runs away, bummed that the only person who wants to adopt her is wacko.

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Regina is loose on the town and full of revenge. She arrives at the jail ready to kidnap baby Neil. She makes Anna and Kristoff disappear and lets Mary Margaret out of jail. She gives her a sword and the girl fight begins.

We see Ingrid arrive in Storybrooke with her scroll from the magicians apprentice, hoping to find a twenty eight year old Emma.

The Snow Queen is a little upset the girls have lost their ribbons. Still, she offers the purple memory stones. But Emma isn't buying her act. "Magic can't make you love someone," she says.

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I feel another lesson coming...

The Snow Queen replies, "If you loved someone in the past you can love them again."

Um...what about magic?

The Snow Queen knows they've come to kill her, but they're silly baby monkeys and can't even burn toast with their powers let alone take down her.

Emma arrives in Ingrid's ice cream shop and is shocked to see the crazy foster mom from twenty years ago. Emma threatens to call Sheriff Graham.

Aw, Sheriff Graham. Let's have a moment, shall we.

Okay, back to the story.

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Ingrid uses the purple stone to take away Emma's memories of their time together and then gives her an extra scoop of Rocky Road.

Kristoff and Anna find themselves on the beach not far from where their trunk washed ashore. He argues about wanting to leave. Anna sees the bottle that came up from the ship wreck with them through the portal. She breaks it over Kristoff's head to keep him from swimming back to Arendale.

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Now that the bottle is broken, she finds a letter from her mother. She reads a few lines and knows she has to find Elsa speedy quick.

Anna stumbles into the Snow Queen's ice palace because even though she's never been there, she knows that's exactly where to find Anna. She starts to read her mother's letter: it's a confession about Ingrid and Helga. She regrets hiding Ingrid all those years instead of celebrating her special powers. Plus, there's the time she sucked her into an urn and hid it away in a cave forever.

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It is her last wish for Anna and Elsa to take the purple memory stone and allow the kingdom to know Ingrid and Helga.

The Snow Queen has a heart that will not melt!

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She calls Anna a liar and freeze slaps her. But when she grabs the letter and starts to read, she gets all teary eyed. Before they can start an all girl, all family band though, Ingrid has to end the curse.

She realizes she has to die. "It wasn't my powers that made me a monster, it was what I let myself become," she says.

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A swirling cloud of glass enwraps her. She gives both Emma and Elsa back their memories. Then she smiles because she's about to get her happy ending. "I have my sisters love and now I can join them."
 The cloud engulfs her and she disappears.

*Cue the girls running down the hill looking for the kite*

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A cleansing snow of metaphorical portions begins to fall.

As the fluffy white stuff covers Storybrooke, Granny and the dwarfs stop wrestling in the street. And Regina and Mary Margaret laugh at her matrix-hooker outfit.

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It's all one big hug, Storybrook style. But hey, where's Ruby? 

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Check out my other recaps here.

 

 

 

 

Which Storybrooke Bachelor Is Your Best Match?

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Emma Swan can't have all the eye candy in Storybrooke. But with so many eligible characters to choose from, which guy is the best match for you?

Well wonder no more, check the personality quiz I created on Quibblo to help you solve this romantic conundrum.

I tested myself and got the Sheriff so  obviously it works flawlessly.

Good luck! Click here for the quiz.





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Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 6 "Ariel"

Or better title, "Spill the Beans!"

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Snow White is chased by two of the Queen's guards, and ends up jumping off a cliff high above the water. She's rescued by a mermaid named Ariel—hence the clever title.

Back on Neverland, Regina is trying to train Emma to channel her anger to make magic. Mary Margaret mumbles something about the dark arts. Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE) whispers to David that Neal is alive and on the island. David thinks they should keep this a secret from Emma because Peter Pan might be lying, and they don't want to raise her hopes.

Mary Margaret argues back, “Secrets keep us from the people we care about.”

David rebuts, “But secrets also protect the ones we love.”


And Secret antiperspirant is made for a woman.

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Ariel and Snow White talk about true love while sunbathing on the rocks. Ariel gushes about Prince Eric and how she fell in love when she rescued him from a ship wreck a year ago. She empties her sea shell purse and shows Snow White an invitation she found. Prince Eric is having a ball that very night.

Squeals and jumping claps all around.

Ariel plans on meeting him there on two legs. She explains to Snow White that every year at the highest tide, the Sea Queen, Ursula grants mer-folk the ability to walk on dry land until the next high tide...twelve hours. She then asks Snow White to keep her fishtail a secret until Prince Eric has totally fallen for her.

Snow White says her secret is safe.

Yup. She's a great secret keeper. Remember Daniel? The stable boy?

Emma asks what David, CSE and Mary Margaret are up to. Faster than you can say, 'stable boy', Mary Margaret blurts out that Neal is alive and on the island.

Peter Pan spies on Mr. Gold as he tries some hocus pocus in the heart of the jungle.

Let me say it again, the dark scenes are killing me.

Peter Pan says it's impossible to see the future in a place where time stands still. Mr. Gold declares he doesn't need magic to make the future happen. Peter Pan goads over the fact that Mr. Gold has lost his son...twice and now Henry is unattainable. But the only way Peter Pan can die is if Mr. Gold dies. While Mr. Gold cringes under his failures, Peter Pan offers him a way off the island and back to Belle and Storybrooke, but only if he leaves speedy quick.

Regina thinks looking for Neal is a waste of time. With only tracks that show a struggle has happened, Mary Margaret and Emma are ready to follow the dirt trail. Regina mentions that it makes more sense to save Henry first, then get the grown up dude. Mary Margaret uses bizarre logic that Emma owes it to Henry to find his father.

Can't they do that after they save Henry?

Snow White and Ariel arrive in beautiful gowns for the ball.

How? Where did these dressed come from?

Snow White shows Ariel that the little tridents are actually forks. Ariel is amazed and pockets it in her sea shell purse.

I'm only mentioning this because the fork may become an important weapon later on.

        

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Anyway, Prince Eric comes down the stairs, looking fresh faced and ready for love. He smiles at Ariel. She smiles at him. She crosses the floor, and of course she trips. But he takes her in his arms and they start to dance. He thinks she looks familiar. He confesses she is the girl whose face he dreams of every night. After his shipwreck Ursula saved him and showed him a vision of his future, and it was Ariel's face!

Ariel denies this and says Ursula is just a myth.

Isn't this happening way too easy? Especially the dancing. She can't walk across the floor but she does the rumba effortlessly?

He says he is leaving the next day to explore distant lands, and he invites her to accompany him. She's confused because of the whole fish thing. He vows to wait on his balcony for her the next morning—you know, high tide.

The Evil Queen watches the ball through her magic mirror, miffed that Snow White didn't drown, and is in a party dress no less! But that Evil Queen is so smart and so slick, she thought up a diabolic plan and she thought it up quick.

Mr. Gold consults the Belle hologram. She urges him to return to Storybrooke so they can start a family. “Come home to me,” she begs. Regina arrives and starts to magically choke Belle. Mr. Gold tries to fight her off, but Regina's spell reveals that Mr. Gold has been confiding to the dark shadow thing all along.


                                               
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Emma confesses to Mary Margaret that she and CSE touched tongues. Mary Margaret assures her that Neal will understand. She tells her to hope that Neal is alive because she deserves a happy ending and all happy endings begin with hope.

Do you know who else deserves a happy ending. That's right, Schmexy.

Ariel is struggling with Prince Eric's proposal to travel with his caravan. Snow White urges her to tell him the truth and let him decide. Ariel only has three hours left. She stands at the waters edge and calls out to Ursula for guidance. Out of the water on eight tentacles, rises the Evil Queen (except she's wearing a blond wig and answers to the name Ursula).

Regina suggests that she and Mr. Gold team up to fight Peter Pan and save Henry since the Charmings are useless. Mr. Gold reminds her that his death is the only thing that will defeat Peter Pan. Regina says there must be something they can do, maybe something worse than death? Mr. Gold perks up at this and mentions an artifact in his shop.

Darn! If there was only a way to get back to Storybrooke.

The fake Ursula convinces Ariel that Eric will never want a mermaid as a girlfriend. Then she propositions a way for Ariel to keep her legs and keep her man. Ariel rushes back to Eric's castle. The sun is rising, it's almost high tide! Snow White is waiting for her on the wharf.

It's so convenient the castle edges the ocean.

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Anyway, Ariel excitedly tells Snow White she can escape the Evil Queen. She places a cuff bracelet on Snow White. In a plume of green smoke, Snow White's legs have turned into a mermaid tail. Ariel gushes about this latest plot twist. “Isn't it great!” she says. “I keep my legs and you get my tail. Now you can travel to my world and be safe forever.”

The tracks in the dirt lead Emma and the gang to a cave. CSE recognizes it as the Echo Cave, a prison without walls. The only way out is give over your deepest, darkest secret. The cave demands you reveal a truth about yourself, a truth you'd never tell anyone. CSE is convinced Peter Pan put Neal in the cave so that they would all have to dish their dirty laundry in order to save him.

The Evil Queen shows up on Prince Eric's wharf. Snow White struggles to remove the bracelet, but it's permanent. Ariel realizes she was duped. Snow White insists Ariel run to Prince Eric—at least she can have a chance at a happy ending. The Evil Queen starts the choking spell on Snow White. Suddenly, Ariel jumps behind her and thrusts the fork (I knew it!) into her neck.

The distraction works. Ariel quickly removes the cuff from Snow White's wrist, making her legs reappear. Now as a mermaid, Ariel grabs Snow White and dives into the ocean. The Evil Queen stomps her foot on the wharf.

Because what else can she do? There's nothing magical she can do to stop them? Really? Nothing? Fire ball? Shark frenzy? Ice burg?

Emma and the gang enter the Cave of Echoes and peer across a dark, bottomless chasm. Perched on a lone rocky plateau, in his bamboo cage, is Neal. He calls to Emma. Knowing there is no way across, but to tell their secrets, CSE ends the awkward silence by saying his kissed Emma.

Since this is only a secret to David, it's not that ground breaking. However, CSE then tells us that he never thought he'd love again after his Mila died.

Remember her, right? Rumpelstiltskin's wife.

Anyway, CSE's confession of love or 'something kind of like it' for Emma, magically extends a rock bridge a quarter of the way toward Neal.

*cough* love triangle *cough*

Mary Margaret is up next. She says she feels cheated that they missed Emma's childhood. And she wants to have another baby as soon as they get back to Storybrooke.

I'll point out that she didn't mention David necessarily had to be the father.

The rock bridge grows closer to Neal. David goes all gushy, but then he drops the bombshell that since he took the cure for dream shade, he'll die if he ever leaves Neverland. Bridge extends the entire way.

Everyone looks to Emma. She races toward Neal's cage. She tries to smash it open with her sword, but the only way to free Neal is for her to confess her deepest, darkest secret. When she found out he might still be alive she was terrified. As soon as she saw him again in New York, she knew she had never stopped loving him. But loving him and losing him is too painful. She was hoping he was actually dead so she could finally get over him.

The cage opens and they embrace. Now that Neal is free, the plan is to get the co-ordinates off his ceiling star map, get Tinkerbell, rescue Henry, and then get off the island. Except for David, because of the death thing. Emma takes Neal aside and tells him she's still wary of them becoming 'Nemma' again. He totally understands but he's still going to try and win her back. CSE watches from behind the ferns.

Which is easy to do because it's so frickin' dark. All the time. In every scene.

Mary Margaret gives David the cold shoulder since he kept his poisoning from her. She doesn't understand the concept of secret keeping.

*cough* stable boy *cough*

Ariel safely delivers Snow White to a nearby beach in British Columbia, Canada! She encourages her seek out Prince Eric and tell him the truth. Because the truth can set you free.

It can also set up a life long vendetta. See stable boy note above.

However, Ariel takes her advice and rushes back to the Prince's balcony, conveniently overlooking the water. He waits, hoping she'll appear soon. She calls out from the water, but there is silence. She has lost her voice!

The Evil Queen laughs from the wharf, perched on a wooden keg. She took the mermaid's voice on purpose. The only thing worse than telling the Prince and being rejected is never having the chance to find out the truth; never having a chance at a happy ending. Ariel cries...silently and does a full body breech. When the Evil Queen returns triumphantly to her castle, the real Ursula appears and threatens her to never impersonate her again.

Regina and Mr. Gold go to the Neverland beach. She takes the conch shell and sounds the horn across the ocean. Ariel arrives looking really pissed. Since mermaids can travel between realms, she can go to Storybrooke to get the 'special death device' from Mr. Gold's shop. Regina gives her back her voice and tosses her a magical cuff, promising that this time she can have legs and control over them. When Ariel still refuses to help, Regain plays her trump card—just like all the other fairy tale characters, Prince Eric was whisked away to Storybrooke as well.

Giddy up!

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 5, "Good Form"

Or better title "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Stupid Older Brother"

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Henry is bullied by some of the Lost Boys. He picks up a stick and tries to defend himself. Pan watches from the sidelines, then he convinces Henry to believe he's holding a real sword. Henry closes his eyes and magics a weapon from the stick. He fights back and has a small moment of remorse after he cuts the bully on the face.

Hey, I guess Henry is magic too. Swell how that works out at the most convenient times.

Emma and the gang continue to search Neal's cave hideaway. She voices concern that Henry has started to lose faith that anyone will rescue him.

Come on. He's supposed to be the truest believer.

Mary Margaret clasps her hands and announces she has an idea! Regina follows her out of the cave while Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE) tries to flirt with Emma. He tells her he knows what it's like to lose a loved one. She bats her incredible long eyelashes and says she's not in the mood for his flirting.

David tells Hook not to bother trying to pick up his daughter since he's nothing but a pirate. And everyone knows pirates steal and pillage.

Hold on, Neal stole and pillaged. Yeah. CSE has no chance.



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We flashback into the past where CSE is a lieutenant with the King's army. His older brother happens to be the Captain. His brother gives him a sexton (a big brass compass thingy) and tells him they are about to embark on a heroes journey on a special request of the King himself.

Mary Margaret's swell idea is to set a trap by braiding vines. David takes CSE into the jungle where they discuss dating Emma, and David's imminent death. They wrestle and David passes out.

I did prefer him when he was in his coma in the first season.

CSE splashes rum in David's face. The dream shade has almost reached his heart. David only has hours to live not days.

Yikes!

CSE becomes nostalgic when David finds a military badge with “Jones” written on it. CSE tells the story of how he and his brother sailed to Neverland in search of treasure for their King. His brother fought Pan on top of Dead Man's Peak and died. His sexy eyes grow wide with hope as he relates how his brother's sexton may have survived all these years as well. David vows to spend his last hours searching for the sexton that can decode Neal's star map.

Yup. Sounds like an iron clad plan to me.

Lieutenant Sexy Eyes (LSE) and his brother have a battle at sea. A magical sail made from the feathers of Pegasus is unfurled and the ship is soon flying away.

Huh? Magic is so convenient!

 

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David and CSE interrupt the vine macramé lesson and tell the others they're going to look for the sexton. David gives everyone a really long good-bye because he's dying. But they're all confused because they don't know he's dying.

Emma and Mary Margaret move into phase two of their plan which involves a pig and a Lost Boy with a spear.

*cough* Lord of the Flies *cough*

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They trap the kid who bullied Henry earlier. Regina conjures up a chocolate bar, but he's not willing to be their spy. Emma is shocked when he tells her Henry is the one responsible for the cut on his cheek.

Captain Jones and his sexy brother land on a beach. They are on a mission looking for a healing plant that can heal any wound. It's dream shade.

Oops.

Peter Pan arrives and lets the brothers know that dream shade is toxic, but they are unwilling to believe their King sent them to find a merciless weapon that could wipe out whole colonies. Still, Peter Pan points them to a path, giving them one last warning.

CSE slowly climbs up the mountain as David gasps, lagging behind. Peter Pan shows up and offers CSE a way off the island with one guest in return for a certain favor. He says he can take Emma and they can start a brand new happy family. He also requests that he murder David before the dream shade kills him.

Captain Jones and LSE find the dream shade. They argue since LSE worries Peter Pan is telling the truth. Captain Jones has great faith in his King and impales his own arm with one of the thorns. He falters and his last words are, “I'm sorry, brother.”

Yeah, sorry you're such a dummy.

Against Mary Margaret's pleas, Emma agrees to let Regina enchant the bullies heart, and thereby have complete control over him. Regina also gives him her compact mirror so they can see Henry.

When they reach the top of Dead Man's Peak, David turns his sword on CSE, and says he knows about his deal with Peter Pan. He demands to know where the sexton is hidden. CSE confesses he had the sexton all along and hid it on the path for David to find. He only lied to get David to the top so he could save his life. David doesn't believe him. They wrestle...again, and David passes out...again.

LSE holds his dying brother and Peter Pan arrives on the scene. He parts the vines and reveals a magical waterfall with healing properties. Peter Pan says all magic comes at a price. LSE says he'll do anything to save his brother. He pushes past him and takes the water. Soon Captain Jones is sitting up and smiling.

The bully arrives at camp with a message for Henry. He tells him his family is on the island, looking for him. He passes him the mirror so that Henry can see Emma, Mary Margaret, and Regina. Peter Pan comes around the corner and Henry throws the mirror into the bushes, cracking it.

Captain Jones and his brother sail away on their flying ship. They are determined to confront their King; using unholy weapons is dishonorable warfare.

Right. But using a magical sail is totally cool.

They land back in the water, and suddenly (as if by magic) Captain Jones falls to the floor choking, the death shadow creeping up his throat.

CSE makes his way to the magical waterfall, which is amazing since it's so frickin' dark in EVERY scene. Please, can the sun come up? CSE prepares to give David the water to save his life, but he says he will never be able to leave Neverland. David doesn't hesitate. All he wants is to save his family and be the hero.

Gag.

Emma feels better now that Henry knows they're on the island. David and CSE arrive, but tell everyone the bad news that the sexton was picked up by Peter Pan. David then gives a toast to CSE since he saved his life and everything.

Wait. So did CSE really have the sexton all along? And if he did have it, why didn't he use it in the cave earlier?

Dear ABC,

Oh...never mind. 

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CSE dares Emma to kiss him as a reward for saving her father. She rolls her eyes, then finally grabs him by the leather collar and lays one on him. It's a long kiss with a lot of intense slurps and gasps.

What?

Anyway, she tells him that was a one time only thing, then she orders him to collect some firewood.

She didn't push the Sheriff away. I bet she was wishing she was kissing him instead.

*cough* outrageously obvious mention of Sheriff Graham *cough*

LSE's and the crew have a burial at sea for his brother. Filled with rage at the crooked King, LSE vows to never return to the land of liars. He torches the magic sail and pumps up the crew with talk of being their own masters on the sea without mercy. He renames the ship the Jolly Roger and takes over the ship as its new Captain ready to be a pirate.

Peter Pan finds CSE enjoying his flask of rum. He brings up Hook's big, fat...secret. Baelfire! Peter Pan says that Emma's love and Henry's father is alive and on Neverland—as his prisoner of course. “I'll let you decide to tell Emma the truth,” Peter Pan says grinning as he walks backward into the jungle.

The Lost Boys carry a drugged up Neal in his bamboo cage. Peter Pan tells them to hoist him up next to the other one.

Other one?

Neal's cage is lifted and dangles beside an exact copy.

*closes eyes tight and prays* "Please by the Sheriff. Please be the Sheriff..."

Who do you think is in the other cage?

Once Upon A Time, Season 3 Sneak Peek-A-Thon

Oh my goodness, is it that time again, already?

I admit, I was a bit sore with the writers/producers/directors/key grip guy/make-up artists/coffee gofer and basically anyone else who had anything to do with the last episode of Season 2, "Straight On Until Midnight."

However, after a long summer of the Bachelorette Season 9, I'm ready to return to Storybrooke. And most importantly, Hook or Captain Sexy Eyes as I like to refer to him...(CSE) for short.

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The first episode of the third season will be two hours and I'm guessing there will be plenty of back flash footage we've already seen—which is perfectly acceptable if it involves seeing this dude again. The Sheriff of my dreams. *sigh*

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Okay, here's a sneak peek at all the evil fun and inconsistent magical times we're about to be dumped into.

 

 

 

 

What are you hoping to see the first episode?

 

 

 

 

 

Why the 'Once Upon A Time' Finale Flopped

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So the big finale was on this week. Yup, that's right, the finale. The show ABC promoted with the certain destruction of Storybrooke, including a super crazy twist, and all kinds of fairy tale fun.

It was going to be a final episode so awesome it would spellbind viewers and keep them thinking about the show over the summer break. What, I wondered, would be the cliffhanger ending or the clever twist. Would there be closure to certain story-lines in a meaningful way or would there be new ones, intended to seduce us to hold on for another season?

Once Upon A Time's big finale, Straight On Til Morning didn't exactly fulfill the above.

In fact, the very last scene was enough to make me go, "Um...huh?"

The Lost Boys bring Baelfire ashore to see the scary and powerful being only referred to as 'the shadow.'

The shadow steals boys from their bedrooms by luring them to a place called Neverland; an island with mermaids, pirates, and sword fights, but more importantly...no rules. But once the boys get on the island, they're not allowed to leave.

Ew. Yuck. Repeat. Peter Pan is NOT like that. J.M. Barrie is rolling over in his grave.

Baelfire is rejected by the shadow since he isn't the boy he's looking for. One of the Lost Boys call the shadow by the name of Peter Pan and the spooky music starts.

Wait..? That's the twist?

Anyone with half a brain or even in a coma would have figured out the shadow is Peter Pan.

But wait, there's more. One of the Lost Boys shows a picture of the boy Peter Pan has been searching for...and it's Henry.

Oh! That's the big twist.

*picks up phone and calls ABC*

Excuse me, but that makes no sense. A twelve year old version of Baelfire was cast aside because he didn't resemble the boy in the picture.

See the problem?

The Lost Boys are looking at a sketch of a kid who won't be born for another twenty years!!!

The series started out promising. So good in fact, it kept me watching this year when I should have turned off the show. But this season the rules are all over the place. The stakes are raised, only to have an easy way out.

How many times have the characters been in a crunch because they couldn't use magic only to have a forgotten spell or some kind of 'new' magic save them anyway?

A perfect example is in the finale when Emma was able to help Regina contain the trigger. The most powerful spell to disable the most powerful curse was absolved in a couple of minutes when Emma decided she was magical enough to give it a try. Lucky for Storybrooke since she only suffered a bruised knee when the spell was absorbed and the whole town was saved.

Sure. Of course.

I'm not sure how long I can stay loyal to a show that insults my intelligence by adding inconsistent elements for convenience sake. If I wrote a story that way, my agent would make me start all over again. And rightly so, it's cheating.

And let's not forget they killed off the Sheriff in season one. Now if ABC gave him a show, I'd totally tune into that.

Are you going to keep watching Once Upon A Time?

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Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 17, “Welcome to Storybrooke”

Or better title, "Same Plot, Different Title"

A father and son are camping in the woods. They sit around the fire making key chains.

Arts and crafts? Aren't they supposed to be farting and roasting hot dogs?

A lot of time is spent conveying the special meaning behind the key chains. I'm sure it's nothing. I doubt we'll see those key chains again.

Suddenly, the wind picks up and a purple cloud engulfs the pair as they run for cover. When they come out of the tent the next morning, their truck is damaged and all the tress around them are uprooted by the force of the storm.

They walk into the nearest town, only with their backpacks, but confused since they drove through that same area yesterday and nothing was there.

They are soon greeted by the town's Sheriff.

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SCHMEXY!!!!!

Dear ABC,

Nice to see my weekly letter campaign paid off.

Regina wakes up and dances around her new home. She walks around town and smiles as all the amnesiac fairy tale characters greet her as the Mayor. I'm guessing this is the first official day of Storybrooke.

Regina enters Granny's pub/diner/laundromat and is ushered over to her usual stool of importance at the counter.

*Crosses fingers and prayers to the TV Gods* Please let there be more scenes with the Sheriff.

HOORAY!!

Schmexy walks in and gives the Mayor a knowing smile. She tells him, “That uniform looks good on you. It's so well fitted.”

He leans in close and asks her, “Do you want me to come over tonight?”

Yes, please! So far, this is my favorite episode of the year.

 

But the little boy and his dad are at the diner as well. Regina is put off by their presence and she asks Schmexy to fix the problem.
 

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We flash forward to present day.

Regina cries over Cora's coffin. She's soon joined by Mr. Gold. They talk about hearts, and love, and desperate measures. Regina vows to kill Mary Margaret. Mr. Gold councils her to give up on revenge—she can't have everything. If she wants Mary Margaret dead, losing Henry is the price she will pay.

But she's not buying it. She vows, “I will have EVERYTHING.”

We've heard this before. *yawn* More Schmexy, please.

Mary Margaret is lying in bed, depressed over her new 'killer' status. Emma tries to explain to Henry about Cora's death when she's interrupted by Mr. Gold. He shows up at the apartment warning them of Regina's plan. David tells Mr. Gold that he should help protect Mary Margaret since she saved his life.

Back in the past where Schmexy still exists, Regina is trying to hustle the camper and his kid out of Storybrooke faster than you can say, 'hocus pocus'. The kid, Owen, gives her the red and green key chain he made with his dad.

Why?

Because he's a kid and Granny's pancakes put him in a good mood.

Regina revels in her new town where everyone is clueless to their true identity, and are stuck performing the same activities over and over again.

*Cough* Groundhog Day *cough*

 

Soon though, the monotony starts to get boring. She pays Mr. Gold a visit and complains that the town isn't what she wanted when she cast the spell.

He gives her little assistance since he has his own agenda. Regina is desperate for interaction from people who are real. She finds the key chain in her pocket and calls the hotel where Owen and his dad are staying until their truck is fixed. She invites them over for dinner.

In the tomb, Regina frantically rips apart Cora's things and finds a small scroll. I'm guessing it's a spell to kill Mary Margaret without losing Henry...or a recipe for chicken parmesan. Not sure.

Mr. Gold and David break into the tomb and find the room in shambles. Mr. Gold does an inventory and realizes Regina has all the ingredients to make a love potion...sort of. The run back to Mary Margaret's apartment where Emma and Henry are waiting. He explains that Regina still needs the heart of the person she hates the most.

David folds his arms across his chest, and does his best scowl. Mr. Gold impatiently explains this is a blood feud, and the only way to end a blood feud is by spilling more blood.

Or by going on Family Feud.

Henry pipes up, “You guys used to be heroes. What happened to you?”

Seriously. Someone call the Sheriff...from the past.

Regina has Owen and his dad over for lasagna. The son is a bit cheeky and his dad apologizes for his behavior, explaining his wife died recently and they were camping to try and deal with their grief.

Regina gets misty eyed and says, “What good is a new life if you have no one to share it with.”

What does that matter when Schmexy is your bedroom slave?

Regina and Owen make apple turnovers in the kitchen. He tells her she'd be a good mom, and he complains about New Jersey. Regina has a great idea and invites them to move to Storybrooke since she enjoys talking to someone who doesn't believe in fairies or unicorns.

The dad gives her a funny look and slowly backs out of the house with Owen. Regina is crushed.

Emma takes Henry to Granny's pub/laundromat/diner where Neil is waiting for him. He proposes that Henry return to New York with him because all the dark magic swirling around is bound to get him killed.

Henry says, “Why don't they just get rid of the magic? Then no one would be able to hurt anyone.”

Henry, it's not that simple. There was no magic in Storybrooke. Then there was. Then there wasn't. Then there was, but only for special cases. Now it's back for good, but no one is trying to use it...oh, never mind.

While I'm getting a headache, Greg, (the guy who ran off the road after hitting Hook with his car) comes in for take-out and wants to go on a hike—since Storybrooke is growing on him and everything.

Why are we seeing Greg for ten seconds? Why is he still in the script? *cough* Owen *cough*

Doesn't this dude have a job to get back to?

And when can we return to the past to see Schmexy again?

Regina goes to the auto shop to convince the mechanic to work more slowly on the truck, thereby keeping Owen and his dad in Storybrooke even longer. But the dad has already paid the bill and picked up the truck.

She rushes back to her office and opens a little chest. She talks into a Schmexy's glowing heart like it's a CB radio, ordering Schmexy to pull over the dad for drunk driving, and to bring Owen back to her.

She turns around and the dad is looking at her weirdly...again.

 

Schmexy arrives and tries to arrest him for drunk driving while standing up sober. But the dad escapes and takes off in the truck, telling Owen to buckle up.

Emma and Neil search for Henry. David suggests they check out the mines. Some of the dynamite that the dwarfs never use (they always have pick axes) is missing.

For reasons that will never be explained, everyone rightly assumes Henry is going to blow something up.

Neil throws a worried look at Emma, “It's obvious,” he says, “Henry wants to get rid of the magic.”

Henry runs through the forest and ends up tackling Greg.

Hmm. There he is again. *cough* Owen *cough*

Greg calls Regina because its perfectly logical that he would have the Mayor's number on speed dial. He tells her Henry is all alone in the forest.

Owen and his dad try to escape Storybrooke, but Regina and Schmexy chase them down in the police cruiser.

Personally, I'd be in the backseat with him.

Schmexy cuts them off at the town limits. The dad pushes Owen out of the truck, screaming for him to run away. He gives him a leather key chain and tells him that as long as he has this, he'll always be with him, or something like that. Then he screams, “Run. Run. Run.”

The dad is thrown into the back of the cruiser. Regina catches up with Owen and tries to play nice, “I'm sorry. I just wanted us to be happy.”

Run, Owen, run!
 

 

 

Henry has a bundle of dynamite and is ready to through it down the well that also happens to be a porthole...sometimes. Regina finds him and they have a talk about fake love and revenge. “You'll see,” she promises, “we can be happy. We can have everything.”

But Henry shakes his head, “Not like this.”

Emma, Neil, and David show up and Regina gets ready with her fists of fire. Henry steps in the middle or their battle and says, “Magic makes good people do terrible things.”

That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard this season! Hasn't anyone heard of Harry Potter?

Henry pleads with Regina...again. She gives in...again, and burns Cora's spell. Satisfied he's saved the day...again, Henry thanks her, then runs to Emma's arms and walks away with the others, leaving Regina standing all by herself...again

This is just how episode 9, The Queen of Hearts ended.

When Owen takes the State Trooper back to to town limits, there is no Storybrooke sign. The Trooper tells him no town exists there. Owen holds the leather key chain aloft and vows to never stop looking for his dad. 

Mary Margaret decides to pay a visit to Regina and asks her to end it all, meaning for Regina to kill her. Regina performs the magical heart-ectomy and sees the dark spot inside Mary Margaret's heart. Instead of crushing it, she decides to let the hate grow in Mary Margaret's heart until is consumes her. She thrusts it back into her chest and prepares to wait for the royal family to crumble from inside.

From the picket fence, Greg videos it all on his phone. He runs to his car and fingers his old key chain. “I'll keep looking for you dad,” he says.

Hey, it's Owen! Shocking. Took him long enough to come back.

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

1. Schmexy
2. Schmexy
3. Schmexy

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

1. Mary Margaret only had one outfit to show off.
2. Why pick axe wielding dwarfs who are in love with magical fairies have to use dynamite.
3. Owen's dad's hair.

The Dating Game, Storybrooke Style

Welcome to The Dating Game, where one lovely bachelorette interviews three hopeful fellas. But here's the catch folks, only the viewing audience can see the handsome chums vying for the honor of being picked.

Now let's meet our bachelorette! She grew up in an orphanage, and hopped through a series of fosters homes. After a brief stint in jail, she settled into the cozy career of bounty hunting. These days she wields swords, fights Evil Queens, and breaks curses. Meet, Emma Swan!

The lovely Bachelorette, Emma Swan!
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Emma gives a little wave to the audience and shifts in her stool. She glances at the large screen that separates her from the three male contestants.

He always tells the truth, travels by motorcycle, and is handy to have around the camp fire. Meet Bachelor #1!

Hey, check out my cool typewriter.
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August Wayne Booth gives a shy smile and tugs at his red handkerchief tied around his neck.

When his ship comes over the horizon, the seaport village men lock up their wives. He likes long walks on the beach, breakfast in bed, and leaves his women always wanting more. Meet Bachelor #2.

Arrrr you ready for some lovin'?
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Captain Sexy Eyes winks and salutes the audience with his hook.

He holds down the law, volunteers at the animal shelter, and manages to have the perfect amount of sexy stubble every day. Meet Bachelor #3.

Is there a problem officer?
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Schmexy clears his throat and nods.

Emma tosses a flaxen wave over her shoulder. “Bachelor #1,” she begins, “if you had to give yourself a nickname, what would that be?”

August glances up at the ceiling, and touches his chin. “Well, I guess it would be Honest Abe. I can't tell a lie.”

“It sure as hell isn't, Mr. Dependable,” Captain Sexy Eyes snorts. “You left Emma in the orphanage and caught the next bus out of that filth hole.”

“I was protecting her!” August whines.

“The only thing you were protecting was your arse,” Captain Sexy Eyes says.

“Whatever!” Emma huffs. “Okay, Bachelor #2, what is your best pick up line?”

“Oh, Lovey,” Captain Sexy Eyes grins. “All I need is to stare at you from across a crowded room. By the time you walk over, talking will be the last thing on your mind.” He demonstrates his 'look' for the audience causing a cacophony of cat calls.

Emma licks her lips and pushes up the sleeves of her red leather jacket. “Bachelor #3, which is more important; a good sense of humor, an intelligent conversation, or having a passion in life?”

“A killer bod!” Captain Sexy Eyes calls out.

Schmexy looks pained. He runs a hand through his hair. “Um...well, I think all of those things are important. But, for me, the most important thing is—”

“Boobies!” Captain Sexy Eyes interrupts.

August folds his arms in front of his chest and gives him a disgruntled look.

“What about you Honest Abe?” Captain Sexy Eyes nudges August with his hook. “You're thinking it, too! Come on, you can't tell a lie...remember?”

Emma impatiently crosses her legs. “I'm still waiting for Bachelor #3 to answer, guys!”

Schmexy rubs a hand over his stubble. “I guess I would say the most important thing for me is—”

“Say it!” Captain Sexy Eyes nudges August again. “Say, boobies!”

“Oh my, God,” Emma sighs. She flips to her next index card. “Bachelor #2,” she begins, “what song best describes your life and why?”

Captain Sexy Eyes taps his steal hook against his lower lip, frowning in deep concentration. Then he wiggles his eyebrows at the audience, and gives them another smile. “Sexy And I Know It!” The music suddenly starts playing. He climbs up on his stool, gyrating to his anthem.

“Bachelor #3,” Emma yells over the whistles from the audience. “Describe your idea of a perfect date.”

“Well,” Schmexy begins quietly. “That is, I think the most important thing is—”

“All right, goddamn it!” August takes off his red handkerchief and wipes his brow. “I'm thinking of her boobies! Are you happy now?” He starts to cry.

Captain Sexy Eyes rolls his eyes, and makes the crazy sign toward August.

Schmexy says, “You're being a bully. Leave him alone, he's done nothing to you.”

The mischievous smile leaves Captain Sexy Eyes' face. “Says the man who took Emma's mother into the forest to kill rip out her heart as a trophy for the Evil Queen.” He snorts at the end to show his disgust.

“But I freed her,” Schmexy rebuts. “And then I helped Prince Charming escape from the Evil Queen's castle. If it weren't for me, Emma wouldn't even exist.” He leers at the Captain, daring him to respond.

Say, you seem nervous for just a walk in the woods.
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August sniffles, making them turn in his direction. “I'm the one who brought her to this place without magic. If it weren't for me...”

Hands up!
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“Oh, hold on, chap,” Captain Sexy Eyes puts up his hook, stopping August. “Is this the part how you left her as an unprotected infant, then finally managed to catch up to her on the night she was arrested, but instead of stepping in to help her, you let the boyfriend go free? And even when Emma got out of jail you left it up to Henry to find her, like...ten years later?”

Schmexy and Captain Sexy Eyes stare August down.

“When you put it that way,” he says to his boots.

Emma closes her eyes and lets out a deep breath. “Like I was saying,” she tries again. “Bachelor #1, if you were to propose, how would you do it?”

“He'd get down on one knee,” Captain Sexy Eyes starts, “and show you his big wood.” Schmexy laughs and fist bumps him. August bites down on his handkerchief and stomps his foot.

“Bachelor #3,” Emma begins, her voice rising. “What is the most—”

“Wolves,” Schmexy says quickly.

“I didn't finish the question,” Emma says.

“Doesn't matter,” Schmexy tells her. “Wolves are my answer to everything.”

Captain Sexy Eyes gives him an unsure look, then scoots his stool farther away.

“Okay,” Emma says slowly. She flips to the next index card. “Bachelor #2, who do you think should pick up the tab on our first date?”

“Let's get real, Lovey.” Captain Sexy Eyes walks around the screen and struts over to Emma. “This contest was over the second you saw my silhouette,” he says, motioning with his hook to the screen still hiding August and Schmexy.

Emma blinks back at him as he leans in closer. She counts the silver studs in his ear.

“Who do you want?” he asks playfully. “A weepy excuse for a protector who bolted on you the first chance he got, or a confused outdoors man who smells like wet dog?”

Emma glances at the screen again. August is hunched over, still raking with sobs. Schmexy is curled up on the floor, appearing to be sleeping.

Captain Sexy Eyes drops his voice to a throaty whisper. His stubble grazes her cheek as he moves closer to her ear. “Or me...the total package.”

Emma lightly traces the curve of his hook with her finger tips. He gives her a wicked smile and reaches for her hand.

“Thanks for the offer,” Emma says, pulling away. “But I've already had enough alone time with you.”

“Are you mad?” The hurtful tone to his voice is unmistakable.

“No,” Emma motions to the corner of the studio where Jefferson is leaning against the wall, waiting for her. “But he is.” She turns and whips her flaxen waves hitting Captain Sexy Eyes in the face. “Later, losers,” she calls over her shoulder. Jefferson pockets his eyeliner and holds out his arms to her.

Paisley is the new black.
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