Once Upon A Time, Season 5, Episode 4 "Broken Kingdom"

Or better title "Disney Princess in Peril"

My face, during most of this episode.

The writers could have had so much fun with the epic love story of Guinevere and Sir Lancelot...well, they didn't because this is Storybrooke and magical devices and out of context storylines from the past take president.

We learn that Arthur and Guinevere grew up together as orphans.

Parent abandonment is a popular theme on Once Upon A Time.

Anywho, fast forward to adulthood and Arthur is a workaholic who has no time for his lady, enter Lancelot who has an instant connection with Guinevere.

That escalated quickly.

Dagger Danger

Back six weeks ago in Camelot, Charming realized Emma's dagger is the missing piece to Excalibur. Charming wants to give it to King Arthur since they're all good buddies and all, but Snow White says, "Seriously? Then our baby daughter will be under his control and he wants to kill the Dark One. Do the math, moron!"

They argue and Regina watches in stunned delight.

Love Triangle


Five years ago Camelot (still with me?), Guinevere uses Merlin's Gauntlet (magical object for this episode) in order to locate the dagger because it's Arthur's greatest weakness. Lancelot goes with her and they uncover a giant manhole cover that's obviously the Dark One's Special Hidey Hole.

Stairs spiral downward. They look for the dagger, but the darkness starts attacking Lancelot! Guinevere saves him and from that moment on they both know they're hot for each other.

When they try to take the dagger, Rumpelstiltskin shows up and gives Guinevere a vial of magical glitter that can make anything broken look fixed.

That's not random at all. *heavy sarcasm*

Meanwhile, Hook is starting to get all ordery and jerkish to Emma. Rumpelstiltskin watches with his judgy face time.

Stupid Plan...

Okay, back in the time machine folks, six weeks ago in Camelot, Arthur followed Snow White and Charming and found them cavorting with Lancelot talking in whispers about hiding the dagger! Arthur pops out and says, "Ha! I fooled you suckers, prepare to die!" He forces Snow White to hand over the dagger but when he tries to summon Emma it doesn't work because the dagger was a fake...all along.

Lancelot is unimpressed. He says, "Seriously. We wasted so much of this episode on your stupid fight scenes."

Guinevere shows up and blows the magical 'Fix It' power (that was convenient) and erases everyone's memories or brain washes them or something like that.

Snow White and Charming talk like they're hypnotized and demand Regina to hand over the dagger to King Arthur.

She's like, "You two boobs had one job to do..."

Also, Lancelot gets dragged to the dungeons. And guess who's already there?

Then Emma takes Merida and ties her to the front of her yellow bug. I'm guessing this is the 'act of bravery' she's going to force on Mr. Gold to make him a pure hero, or something like that.

Honestly, with all the money this series is making, the wig could have been better quality than the local Halloween shop.


Who was the MVP?

#1. Rumpelstiltskin's judgy face

#2. Merida's wig

#3. The yellow VWB

Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 1 "Dark Swan"

abc.com

Or better title "Eyebrows Make All the Difference"

Well, here we are again, my friends. Another season of OUAT, who will we meet from the Disney franchise this time?

Prophecy

King Arthur and Sir Lancelot race on horseback in search of Excalibur. They find the legendary sword stuck in stone, but before Arthur can fulfill Merlin's prophecy, one of the knights gets greedy and despite everyone's warnings, tries to take the sword. Instead, he dies in a plume of smoke. When King Arthur successfully retrieves Excalibur, they see the end piece is missing.

*Gasp* The dagger of the Dark One is the missing piece!

abc.com

Back in Storybrooke everyone stares at the dagger. Hook grabs it tries to summon Emma, but she's gone realm hopping and is outside of the dagger's magical pull. Instead, we see her emerge from a well and is now in the enchanted forest. And there to greet her is Rumpelstiltskin.



abc.com

When Emma mentions it's impossible for him to be in front of her since he's actually in a coma in Storybrooke, he simply says, "I'm many things."

*cough* loop hole *cough*

Ignoring Rumpelstilskin's giddy prolomation that she'll give in to the powers of darkness, Emma leaves in search of Merlin so he can separate her from the dagger.

Wicked is the Way

The Apprentice gives Regina a wand to help find Emma, but it doesn't work because she's too good. Hook is all sassy and says they need a real villain—Selina, the wicked witch for example.

Good thing they've kept her locked up in the pysch ward.

abc.com

Selina puts on her best 'I'm hot and you're not' face, and tells them all they need is to find an object that is important to Emma and that will help create the portal that will lead them to Emma. But Selina wants them to take off her wrist band that blocks her magic. Regina storms off, not willing to let that happen.

And because all this crazy stuff is happening, it's only natural for Belle to be worried about Mr. Gold dying while she reads a few good books. The blue fairy magics up a rose inside a glass case for her to carry around. As long as the petals are intact, Mr. Gold is still alive.

So every time we see Belle for the rest of the season, she'll be carrying this awkward case. Way to go, blue fairy.

Bad to the Bone

Meanwhile, Emma discovers the enchanted forest is full of peasants who aren't exactly cooperative. Rumpelstiltskin keeps talking in her ear like the little devil that sits on your shoulder who rationalizes all your bad behavior.

FYI, my little devil thinks I'm awesome!

A blue wisp flits by and Rumpelstiltskin tells Emma if she can catch it, she'll find Merlin. She races after the wisp and watches as someone snatches it out of the air and traps it in a bag. Emma tackles the stranger with magic.

Oh, hello. It's the chick from BRAVE.

Instead of fighting her like Rumpelstilskin wants, Emma goes along with Merida. Once they return the wisp to its home, it will grant them the answer to any question they ask it. Merida explains the clans are fighting and her three brothers have been kidnapped, she needs the wisp to tell her where they are. Then she promises to let Emma ask a question too.

They make camp and Rumpelstiltskin sneaks around, whispering to Emma that the wisp will only help one person. She realizes the only way to find Merlin is to betray Merida and take the wisp for herself.

Hmm...not seeing a lot of darkness yet.

Portals Galore

Hook and Henry break Selina out of jail, but not before she cuts off her hand, then reattaches it once the bracelet is off. She says, "See ya, losers." And disappears into a vortex of green.

Oops. Man, she is really wicked.

Not wasting anytime, Selina takes Robin hostage in exchange for the apprentice's wand so she can return to OZ. The wand creates the portal, but Regina is so slick she slaps the bracelet back on Selina, rendering her powerless.

Regina suddenly has the ability to use the wand.

Um...why? Is she bad enough now or something?

With the help of Emma's baby blanket a vortex opens up directly over Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat. The house gets pulled up into the air.

Heartless

Merida sneaks away from Emma and uses the wisp for herself, but before she can follow the wisp to find her brothers, Emma arrives all upset because she wanted to use the wisp first.

Darn! What can she do?

With Rumpelstiltskin's encouragement, Emma decides she has to rip out Merida's heart.

Well, that escalated quickly.

Emma and Merida fight while Rumpelstiltskin manages to convince her to take out Merida's heart. Hook and the others arrive just in time to coax Emma to put the heart back like a nice girl. Emma says, "The darkness will consume everyone I care about. I need to find Merlin, so I have to kill Merida."

Um...what? There's probably more than one wisp around. Or, should could go with Merida and the wisp, then recapture the wisp after it leads Merida to her brothers. Or...oh, never mind.

Anyway, Hook manages to convince her love is the answer and she does the ole heart transplant. Merida goes on her way, ready to take the path of peace instead of the bloody fight she was planning on doing once she found her brother's kidnappers.

abc.com

Mary Margaret gives Emma the dagger, but she passes it to Regina, knowing she's the only one who can handle the burden. Without warning, out of the woods, King Arthur comes with the broken Excalibur stating Merlin sent them, according to his prophecy. They say Emma is the one who will lead them to Merlin.

Go directly to Camelot, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

So everyone, including Granny, the dwarfs, Selina...baby Neal, go to the Camelot.

Six weeks later, Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat slams back down into Storybrooke. But no one has any memory of what happened six weeks ago. Emma walks in with white eyebrows, wearing a long black cloak rocking the Dark One's look.

abc.com

Why?

Emma answers, "Because I'm the Dark One."


Who was tonight's MVP?

#1. Emma
#2. Regina
#3. Selina

Top Five Rejected Taglines From This Year's Blockbusters

Taglines are the industry's one sentence hook that entices audiences into the theatres. As a marketing took, they are highly effective and essential to any movie's campaign.

But for every unforgettable tagline there are at least a hundred that get rejected.

Here are my guesses at the top five rejected taglines from this year's blockbusters.



The Dark Knight Rises...It kicks The Fighter's ass.

photo credit, tumblr.com

The Hunger Games...The perfect movie for anyone who wanted to read the book but never did.

photo credit, comingsoon.net

The Avengers...Scarlett Johansson in tight black leather? Check!

photo credit, imbd.com

The Amazing Spiderman...A kid becomes this amazing spider-man thing.

photo credit, digitaltrends.com

Brave...A movie for your kid, but you have to buy a ticket, too.

photo credit, joblo.com

The Hobbit...A little guy with big responsibilities.

photo credit, albertastars.com

If you like this, click on the Google+1 button below, and help share the funny.

Cheers!

The Bachelorette, Episode 6, "Kissing, Crying and Candles"

Next stop on the love train is *whoo-hoo* Dubrovnik, Croatia.

Emily picks Mother Goose (Travis) to go on a solo date. So much for my theory about him being her cousin. They bum around Dubrovnik and end the date having a private dinner surrounded by candles.

Who will get a rose? Who cares?
photo credit, museumofplay.org

Have you noticed how many frickin' candles they use for this show? It's like they're expecting someone to whip out a Ouija Board. Did you know the heart shaped thing you put your hands on is called a planchette?

Travis confesses he's totally in love with Emily and hasn't felt like this since he broke up with his fiance. Emily says she feels they have a good foundation for friendship—but not romance. Travis moves to the kiss and cry interview area. *Honk* I'm still amazed how much these guys breakdown.

Dear Fellas,

Yes, rejection is hard, but give your head a shake, you're in a contest for a girl you met only two weeks ago. Move on.

Love,

Your Aunt Bethany

Emily takes all the guys, except Ryan, on a group date...to the animated Disney movie, BRAVE. Emily talks about the similarities between herself and Merida, the female protagonist. Um...yeah. The most entertaining part of this episode were the movie clips. So, I'm grateful for that.

Emily dresses the boys in kilts like they're big Ken dolls. This is followed by a five minute montage of the guys walking down cobblestone streets. Emily comments how hot Sean looks.

Sean, not exactly as shown
photo credit, theretroknittingcompany.co.uk

We soon learn they are going to be competing in a mock Highland Games. This makes complete sense since Croatia is full of Scotts. What's the Gaelic phrase for totally stupid?

I won't bore you with the details, but Chris—even with his freaky wolf eyes—loses every event. However, this was brilliant strategy as Emily gives him a shiny mug for being such a good sport. Emily says being brave means doing your own thing no matter what everybody else thinks. She also thinks Sean is the hottest. And that my friends, gets you a rose each time.

The evening portion of the competition involves drinks, candles and some cuddle time. She tells Sean not to worry and to keep up his confidence...even when things get harder. *giggles*

She takes Arie on a stroll as they discuss how much they like spending time together. The soft guitars begin to play in the background and Arie leans her up against a stone wall and proves why he's a race car driver—he rides the curves like a champ. He later says that he feels so much better after their talk. I bet he does. *rolls eyes*

Jef with one 'J', talks about how it's so much easier to be with Emily now that he's made it to first base with her. Seriously, I'm not making this up. There's more cuddling and talk about how much they like each other. This is followed by some open mouthed kissing.

I miss the clips from Brave.

Emily moves on to Chris. He doesn't get the chance to make out with her like Arie did, but he gets the rose...so, yeah...I guess that counts for something. *shrugs*

Ryan does his pre-date primping for his solo date as the other guys roll their eyes. Emily takes him on a fishing trawler to harvest oysters. I love oysters. The trick is to NOT chew. A splash of Tabasco sauce is nice as well. Also, smoked oysters are delicious. Did you know a natural salt water pearl is formed when a foreign substance (parasite/grain of sand) invades the shell of the mollusk? In response to the irritation, epithelial cells form into a sac (known as a pearl sac) which secretes a crystalline substance called nacre, which builds up in layers around the irritant, forming the pearl.

I was thinking about how beautiful nature is when I was interrupted by Ryan's neon turquoise shoes. They finish the date with a private dinner by candle light—lots of candle light. *puts hands on planchette* Is there anyone there?

Ryan whips out a list he made for Emily that includes all the things he's looking for in a wife.

Dear Ryan,

What exactly does 'sexy personality' mean?

Love,

Your Aunt Bethany

Oh that, Ryan. He makes me laugh—he's so clueless! Emily picks up the rose and I don't think we need to ask the Spirits to know how this one turns out. Emily tells him he's too concerned with perfection and she's all about the love. Ryan is shocked and begins to sniff through his tears, trying to convince her to change her mind. I worry he's going to make another list.

Psst, Ryan. It's time for you to go. *calls security* Instead of crying, Ryan spends the cab ride to the nearest airport, giving us a five minute monologue on why he ISN'T a loser.

Arie gives Emily a surprise visit in her luxury rental because he's totally there for her. You see, good boyfriends will always show up to make out with their girlfriends after they dump another guy. They cuddle in her bed and discuss how hard the date must have been for her and...—whoa! Tongue action. Camera guy, zoom out! Zoom out!

The rose ceremony begins with the guys discussing their strategy. Huh? Emily encourages SDD (Single Dad Doug) not to be shy and that she's just a girl who wants to be pursued. Again, I did not make this up. She actually said that.

photo credit, psychologytoday.com

Emily starts her speech about how awesome each one of them are. And they stand like statues blinking back at her like Charlie Brown.

*Lights candles gets out Ouija Board* Is there anyone there?

*Planchette moves to yes* Which bachelor will go home tonight?

Emily cries invisible tears and leaves the room, still clutching the rose.

*Planchette quickly spells out, 'Scripted drama'*

The spirits are upset! She returns without any rose, then The Host arrives from behind the curtain with two roses. Aw, shucks. And everyone gets to stay. *rolls eyes*

When will the fun ever end? Do you think the ending was rigged by the producers?