Once Upon A Time Season 5 Episode 11 "Swan Song"

Or better title "I Have No Idea"

abc.com

Let's recap: Seeking revenge against Emma for turning him immortal to save his life, Hook (now a Dark One with the inability to make choices based on empathy) is attempting to literally drag Emma's entire family to Hell.

Why?

I have no idea.

Maybe because the mid-season finale needed a ticking time bomb.

There's been so much build up to Hook revealing himself as the man he truly is that I was hoping for a flashback of some substance that would explain why he's unable to fight the darkness like Emma. Who, by the way is acting very much like her pre-Dark One self. And wasn't that the whole motivation for season 4? Making Emma's heart dark? Not really much of a threat after all.

Ever Been To Sea?

Okay, so we see a young Killian and his brother, Liam abandoned by their father. Actually, he sells them into ship slavery before mounting a swimming horse...I think.

Mental note: Are all the parents in Fairy Tale Land vicious? Not one character has had a descent upbringing. Except maybe Grumpy, but he hatched out of a huge egg fully clothed.
 
Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke, the Dementors had arrived!

abc.com

And everyone is being branded with a Dark Mark that actually looks like a bumble bee, which acts like a one way ticket on the ferry boat to hell—literally.

The dwarves show up because they have a pivotal role to play in this episode.

Bwhahaha! Just kidding. I have no idea why they're there.

While everyone does nothing and just waits for the moon 'to become it's fullest' Mr. Gold saunters out from the alley to give everyone a lesson on the latest plot hole. If you have a bumble bee mark on your arm you will be swept into hell, no passing Go, no collecting $200.

So everyone, dwarfs included, decide to run to the library because there must be a book about this "Moon That Sends Everyone To Hell".

Before anyone gets a paper cut, Mary Margaret monologues about how she's ready to see the end of the world eating cheese burgers at Granny's with all of her loved ones by her side.

abc.com

Instead of riling up his wife to channel her inner Snow White and kick some Dark One butt, he says, "True dat, babe. Besides these old books smell like book farts."

Emma says she'll meet them there, then she pulls Regina aside and I'm so excited because finally these two will proclaim their love for each other and it will be the love that spilt the world in half and True Love's kiss will sweep all those dementors/Dark Ones back to hell.

But, no. Emma says she has a plan to save everyone. She's going to use Excalibur to suck all the darkness from Hook and the Dark Ones. Then she'll absorb all that darkness, and kill herself with Excalibur.

I liked my plan better.

Anyway, putting an arm around her shoulders Regina takes Emma to Mr. Gold's shop asking for Excalibur. He hands it over without asking for anything in return and says, "Your a brave woman."

This was a perfect scene based on the inner struggle of all three characters with good and evil and the choices we make and who we love...it was awesome.

The show should have ended right there.

Then Emma tearfully tells Regina before she carries out this epic plan to save everyone, that she wants to spend her last moments with the people she loves the most, so could Regina go to Granny's with her?

abc.com

Kiss her, Regina! Kiss her now!

And completely out of character, Regina is like, "Thanks, but I have to hang out with Robin and Baby Hood."

Why would she abandon Emma when she needs her the most? They've been there for each other during the highest stakes! Why?

I have no idea.


Family Ties

Regina leaves Emma in order to deal with Zelena, which is ridiculous because all it took was the use of a sparkly wand which Regina was unable to use until this episode because...why?

I have no idea.

abc.com

Emma drops by Granny's and leaves a goodbye note explaining her save Storybrooke plan even though she's still a Dark One. Saving others by murdering yourself is the most unDark Oneish thing imaginable.

In a desperate attempt to create some kind of last minute loop hole, Regina corners Hook down by the docks and eludes to a super secret past they have together. "Remember the time I hired you to kill my mother?" she starts.

Why would a magical Queen need a drunken pirate to kill her even more magical and even more evil mother?

I have no idea.

But first Hook had to prove he had the gumption to carry out the deed by murdering his own father. Wow, could it really be him? After all those years? Yes, Hook's dad works in a pub. But he reveals that he's a changed man and is truly sorry for selling little Hook and his brother, Liam. He fell under a sleeping curse, was kissed awake by his nurse (his true love) but then she died from a plague.

Though Hook was a fierce pirate who was bent on revenge, he can't kill his dad. Instead he demands he leave the country. His dad is fine with this, but then Hook discovers his dad had another son and called him, Liam. How dare he!

Hook is so upset that he ends up killing his dad anyway.

This dude is out of control.

Fare Thee Well, Love

Back in Storybrooke, the pure hearted Mr. Gold does his best acting and suggests that Belle take his car and go see the world. He gives her a talisman that will allow her pass the town line and says, "Go on, no one uses the library anyway. Enjoy some espresso and IMAX. We'll be waiting when you get back."

Belle is easily fooled and grabs the keys without looking back.

abc.com

After applying some lipstick Emma gets Excalibur but is confronted by Hook. All the drama and tension has led up to this moment. They argue about love and who will pay the mortgage on the house now. Then suddenly Henry is in front of her. Emma goes all slack. Henry takes the sword and transforms back into Hook.

Why did she fall for that?

I have no idea.

Suddenly everyone is at the pond (portal to hell). Hook confronts Emma (AGAIN!) about how he couldn't wait to get revenge on her for saving his life and making him a Dark One.

Um...before he was like, "I love you, let's live together in this house with an awesome view of the sea." And now, just because he's a Dark One, he's sending her entire family to hell—except baby Neal because everyone has forgotten about him.

Anyway, he snatches Excalibur away from Emma so easily while everyone just shuffled around and watched. Regina finally shows up and says, "Hook, you're being a big jerk. Grow up."

Hook replies, "Shit, you're right. I'm going to suck all the Dark Ones into this sword and then Emma will stab me and I will save the day."

Why did he change that quickly?

I have no idea.

Emma's like, "No! I can't lose you. I should be me."

He says, "Your family needs you. I deserve to go to the underworld. And there's that kiss between you and Regina that still needs to happen."

FYI: You can't be the hero if you fix the mess you made.

Emma stabs Hook!!!!

abc.com

Instantly, red leather jacket Emma Swan is back. Hook's grotesque neck wound reappears and he dies in her arms.

Regina is by Emma's side, "Be strong girl. Chin up, buttercup."

Kiss her, Regina! Kiss her! 


Dumb and Dumber

Across town, completely naïve about the portal to hell, Belle returns red cheeked and runs to Mr. Gold's arms. She says, "You can't get rid of me that easily." They kiss and make-up and Mr. Gold is starting to realize that Belle, while well read, has zero street smarts.

abc.com

Wandering Storybrooke, Emma senses Excalibur is close by. She follows the sound to Mr. Gold's shop. And he's all, "Okay, you got me. I performed a quick spell that somehow cleaved apart the Excalibur. When you stabbed Hook, all the darkness returned to the dagger. I'm the Dark One again." And he shows her the dagger, now engraved with the name, Rumplestiltskin.

How come Emma isn't still the Dark One? Her name was the last on the dagger? Why?

I have no idea.

She says, "You fooled us all. So all that awesome character development and struggle with your character these last few seasons was...?"

"Pointless," he answers. "Yes. It's just like season one again. Including your wardrobe."

And here's the big cliffhanger!

Emma makes a deal with Mr. Gold for the thousandth time, she'll keep his secret from Belle if he gets her into the underworld to save Hook.

Ugh.

Who was the MVP?

#1. Hook's half brother

#2. Emma's lipstick

#3. Mr. Gold's car

Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 3 "Siege Perilous"

Or better title "Charming Finds A Mushroom"

Going on a Quest

While searching Merlin's lab, Regina finds a book and concludes that a magic mushroom (yes, that's right) will help them talk with the tree version of the wizard.

Why don't they just look for a spell that will turn Merlin back into a man?

Prince Charming volunteers to find the mushroom because he's been a side character for so long and basically has no conflict with anyone Zzzzz...huh? Oh, sorry I drifted off writing about Prince Charming.

King Arthur joins him on this quest and takes no time in spilling the beans about Sir Lancelot and Queen Guinevere's affair. Then Charming drops the bomb that Sir Lancelot (the knight of the fairest heart) is dead.

Remember that episode when Charming's evil dad tricked Snow White into drinking a potion that made her unable to have babies?

Then this random knight arrives with King Arthur's 'trunk of wonder' which is full of magical stuff they've stolen collected on their travels...including the Eternal Flame that helps light the way through the forest.

Charming sets off with King Arthur, they find the mushroom and Charming has to battle a few headless knights, but alas, during the battle—which King Arthur did nothing—Charming loses the mushroom.

abc.com

No worries, though because when they return to Camelot, King Arthur makes Charming a knight because "the quest is what really matters, not the finding."

Huh? Tell that to the tree waiting for its magic mushroom.

At this point Snow White takes a break from Charming getting all the attention and wanders into the hallway. She is surprised to see Sir Lancelot since he died a few seasons ago. Lancelot tells her the Dark One isn't the one to be feared—it is King Arthur who poses the greatest threat.


How to Love 'The Dark One'

Meanwhile in Storybrooke, Belle wanders the pawn shop looking for something that once belonged to Mr. Gold BEFORE he was the Dark One (it's needed for a super duper healing spell).

Across the street Hook wanders into Granny's pub/diner/laundromat like most characters do and chats up Robin a bit. Granny then plunks down a bag of take out and tells him Emma wants to meet him on his ship.

He's like "What, I'm just at her beck and call or something? I was a pirate for frig's sake."

Granny said, "Dude, what choice do you have? She's the Dark One. That'll be $20 for the lunch, by the way."

abc.com

When he arrives on his ship, Emma magically appears with the pretense that they could 'just talk.' Hook sits down at their little picnic, grimacing at her 'Sandy' from Grease outfit from their first date.

Personally, I prefer the powered wig version with dark magic.

There's a lot of talk about Dark Ones and loving Dark Ones and how Belle loves Mr. Gold...blah, blah, blah...where is this going? Hook talks about how Mr. Gold was a coward before he was the Dark One and that he, Hook, was the villain in that case when he put his sword to his throat and threatened his life.

Tired of this trip down memory lane, Emma finally says, "Do you love me or what?"

"I loved you," he says, emphasizing the past tense.

Hmm...guess who feels threatened by a strong woman? Plus, who is sailing the ship??

Pickup Truck Death Match

Through bizarre coincidental random police work, David finds the magic mushroom in the camp the medieval characters have set up in the forest. King Arthur tells him a magic bean is missing from his  'trunk of wonders'.  This results in a pick-up truck/horseback riding chase scene that should have resulted in a messy death for the dud on the horseback.

Instead he's knocked unconscious and ends up in the jail cell of the ALWAYS empty Sheriff's office.

Why do these people keep leaving prisoner's un guarded?

King Arthur comes in and it's clear the random knight stole the mushroom under his instructions. Not only that, but he swallows a deadly poison that King Arthur brought all in the name of saving Camelot.

If that's not confusing enough, Belle realizes the rose in her jar is thriving. That must mean Mr. Gold is getting better. When she rushes to the store, he's not there.

I guess she should have stayed at his bedside since he was dying instead of going out for Granny's pie.

It turns out Emma has Mr. Gold in her basement! She has the sword from Hook's ship he used against Mr. Gold when he was wimpy Mr. Rumpelstiltskin. She uses it to bring Mr. Gold out of his coma.

A-ha! That's what she wanted from the ship, not lasagna.

When he wakes, she tells him she's going to turn him into the purest hero ever so he can pull Excalibur out of the stone.

abc.com

abc.com

Okay, this last two minutes was the best part of this episode.

Who was tonight's MVP?

#1. Random knight who only got three lines before he died

#2. Magic Mushroom

#3. Granny's lasagna

Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 2 "The Price"

Or better title "Whiplash"

Buckle your seatbelts because this episode did more time travel than Mary McFly.

Storybrooke Runs Amok

The dwarfs are a bit freaked about Emma being the Dark One. They race to the town limits desperate to escape, but when Dopey crosses the line he turns into a tree, firmly rooted in the asphalt.

There goes that plan.

In a bid to break the curse over Emma, Hook goes to Mr. Gold's shop and asks Belle why the power of true love's kiss can't help him get Emma back. Belle says something about power and darkness and whatever...and I lose focus because she's not really saying anything. Then she leaves him with this gem. "It's far easier to hate a Dark One than to love one."

*epic eye roll*

abc.com

Henry tries his best to get used to his mom's new look. Emma feels bad because he feels bad, but not bad enough to tell him why she erased everyone's memories. "Hey, it's just part of the curse," she explains.

Regina shows up and they go all 'mean girls' and Emma drops a hint that something super bad is coming to Storybrooke and only a true savior can save the town.

Regina mumbles, "Stupid savior...whatever."

Meanwhile across town, King Arthur and two of his hot knights ride horseback down Main Street. He doesn't have Excalibur anymore and is also clueless to the last six weeks. They quickly find Mary Margaret and Davie who confesses that Emma is the Dark One who caused this mess.

abc.com

King Arthur doesn't waste time and suggests, "No worries, just use the dagger against the Dark One!"

"She has the dagger."

"We're screwed."

Savior Swap

We flashback to Camelot as Emma and Regina meet Queen Gueneviere. King Arthur then escorts takes them to his courtyard where he shows them a tree in which Merlin is trapped. He says, "Step forward savior..."

abc.com

Emma is about to step forward, but Regina takes her place in order to keep Emma's true identity as the Dark One a secret. Emma knows she can't use her magic because it will be dark and she'll lose control because her inner darkness loves the power too much, baby.

Regina's like, "No problem, I've got this."


Regina's Woes

Storybrooke turns into a refugee camp for lost characters from Camelot. Regina and Robin have a heart to heart about how know no one thinks she can save the town.

I smell low self-esteem.

Meanwhile, Queen Guinevere reunites with King Arthur, and she's upset to learn that he's lost Excalibur.

David pipes up like the nosy eavesdropper he is and says, "If it's here, we'll find your sword."

Before I can change the channel, a black skeleton thing swoops in from above and takes Robin away.

Across town, Emma invites Hook to her new Dark One pad. She gives him a drink and says, "Hey, just because I'm the Dark One doesn't mean we can't still be together."

He's cool with it and they start to make out, but then he steps back and oh-uh, Emma still has weird hair and eyebrows. Geez kids, it looks like true love's kiss didn't break the curse.

He demands to know what happened in Camelot. She says, "I'm tired of talking, do you want to stay or not?"

I like this new Emma, actually. She's all badass and says it like it is.

But he turns her down. "This may be who you are, but this isn't who I am."

Oh my god, he's been hanging out with Belle too much.

There's a foot race through the forest and Regina fights the skeleton thing and loses.  Mary Margaret insists she go to the hospital and Regina immediately assumes this is a reflection on her abilities.

abc.com

"You don't think I can do this!" she whines.

Mary Margaret says, "Um, no. I think you're face is bleeding. Not everything is about your magical powers."


Busted

One of King Arthur's knights gives Regina a big ole amulet since she's the savior. But Regina is worried because firstly, she doesn't know how to dance, and secondly, she's not the real saviour. David teaches her to dance and I can't help but wonder why I'm watching this show.

Then we realize the amulet is like a magical nanny cam and the knight is watching and listening to everything!

Where's Selena during all of this?

Regina goes to Mr. Gold's bedside and monologues about how she hates being the former evil queen and how no one trusts she's good enough to save Storybrooke. Belle taps her on the shoulder and regurgitates the latest research she's unearthed about flying skeletons who kidnap lovers.

Apparently the demon is called a Fury. It's in Storybrooke because someone used black magic in Camelot and now the Fury needs to take a body to the underworld as payment...or something. Plus, they need to wait for a full moon or maybe not, I'm a little hazy on the details. However, I do know if Robin is to be saved, someone has to give their life in his place.

How about the tree at the town limits?


To the Death

Back at the ball, Henry takes a giant leap into puberty and crosses the floor to introduce himself to a young princess named, Violet.

I hope this leads to something important to the plot because this scene took five minutes off my life.

The sneaky knight who has been eavesdropping finally dances with Regina. He calls her bluff and says he was a little boy when she burned his village years ago as the Evil Queen. He draws a sword and tries to stab Regina. Robin intervenes and gets stabbed instead. Then David (who is always poking his nose in other people's business) kills the knight.

These people ruin every party.

Regina begs Emma to stop the Fury. Emma says, "The price is not mine to pay. You're the one who used dark magic in Camelot. The price to pay has to be yours."

Now I've got the theme to the Price is Right running through my mind.


Black Magic

We see Regina struggle to heal Robin's wounds, but her magic won't work because—oh my god this is such a farce—because the sword was cursed to kill her.

She begs Emma to use her magic even though there may be a risk that her magic will go dark. Emma gets a hallucinatory message from Rumpelstitskin that if she uses her dark magic there will be a price to pay, but it's Regina's to pay since she asked for it.

Got that?

Emma uses her magic, saves Robin and doesn't freak out and pull out everyone's heart. But...her hand turned kind of gross.

Big deal.


Price to Pay

Regina rushes to give up her life to save Robin's as the ferryman from the underworld comes closer. But Mary Margaret, David and few dwarfs link hands with her. Six souls were too much for the Fury and it self implodes. The ferryman disappears and Robin is safe.


Grumpy proclaims that if Regina can stand up to that monster, she can save the town.

Bingo! Regina now has confidence.



abc.com

This calls for a celebration at Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat.

Hey, where's Ruby?

Belle and Hook talk about how true love's kiss only works when it's convenient to the plot.

Henry finds Violet again, but neither of them have any memory of meeting each other.

David consoles Mary Margaret about having a Dark One as a daughter.

Emma stands across the street all alone in her black trench coat. With nothing else to do she returns to her house to find Rumpelstiltskin waiting for her. He shows her the secret in her basement—Excalibur is there, stuck in the stone.

abc.com

"You have the power to do what no Dark One has ever been able to accomplish," he says. "Make the sword whole."

Putting down the dagger, Emma tries to free the sword but is blown away by a force. Rumpelstiltskin laughs and says she can do it with magic, but she'll have to pay the price.



Who was tonight's MVP?

#1. The Fury
#2. Henry's Adam's apple
#3. The dwarf who got turned into a tree

Once Upon A Time Season 5, Episode 1 "Dark Swan"

abc.com

Or better title "Eyebrows Make All the Difference"

Well, here we are again, my friends. Another season of OUAT, who will we meet from the Disney franchise this time?

Prophecy

King Arthur and Sir Lancelot race on horseback in search of Excalibur. They find the legendary sword stuck in stone, but before Arthur can fulfill Merlin's prophecy, one of the knights gets greedy and despite everyone's warnings, tries to take the sword. Instead, he dies in a plume of smoke. When King Arthur successfully retrieves Excalibur, they see the end piece is missing.

*Gasp* The dagger of the Dark One is the missing piece!

abc.com

Back in Storybrooke everyone stares at the dagger. Hook grabs it tries to summon Emma, but she's gone realm hopping and is outside of the dagger's magical pull. Instead, we see her emerge from a well and is now in the enchanted forest. And there to greet her is Rumpelstiltskin.



abc.com

When Emma mentions it's impossible for him to be in front of her since he's actually in a coma in Storybrooke, he simply says, "I'm many things."

*cough* loop hole *cough*

Ignoring Rumpelstilskin's giddy prolomation that she'll give in to the powers of darkness, Emma leaves in search of Merlin so he can separate her from the dagger.

Wicked is the Way

The Apprentice gives Regina a wand to help find Emma, but it doesn't work because she's too good. Hook is all sassy and says they need a real villain—Selina, the wicked witch for example.

Good thing they've kept her locked up in the pysch ward.

abc.com

Selina puts on her best 'I'm hot and you're not' face, and tells them all they need is to find an object that is important to Emma and that will help create the portal that will lead them to Emma. But Selina wants them to take off her wrist band that blocks her magic. Regina storms off, not willing to let that happen.

And because all this crazy stuff is happening, it's only natural for Belle to be worried about Mr. Gold dying while she reads a few good books. The blue fairy magics up a rose inside a glass case for her to carry around. As long as the petals are intact, Mr. Gold is still alive.

So every time we see Belle for the rest of the season, she'll be carrying this awkward case. Way to go, blue fairy.

Bad to the Bone

Meanwhile, Emma discovers the enchanted forest is full of peasants who aren't exactly cooperative. Rumpelstiltskin keeps talking in her ear like the little devil that sits on your shoulder who rationalizes all your bad behavior.

FYI, my little devil thinks I'm awesome!

A blue wisp flits by and Rumpelstiltskin tells Emma if she can catch it, she'll find Merlin. She races after the wisp and watches as someone snatches it out of the air and traps it in a bag. Emma tackles the stranger with magic.

Oh, hello. It's the chick from BRAVE.

Instead of fighting her like Rumpelstilskin wants, Emma goes along with Merida. Once they return the wisp to its home, it will grant them the answer to any question they ask it. Merida explains the clans are fighting and her three brothers have been kidnapped, she needs the wisp to tell her where they are. Then she promises to let Emma ask a question too.

They make camp and Rumpelstiltskin sneaks around, whispering to Emma that the wisp will only help one person. She realizes the only way to find Merlin is to betray Merida and take the wisp for herself.

Hmm...not seeing a lot of darkness yet.

Portals Galore

Hook and Henry break Selina out of jail, but not before she cuts off her hand, then reattaches it once the bracelet is off. She says, "See ya, losers." And disappears into a vortex of green.

Oops. Man, she is really wicked.

Not wasting anytime, Selina takes Robin hostage in exchange for the apprentice's wand so she can return to OZ. The wand creates the portal, but Regina is so slick she slaps the bracelet back on Selina, rendering her powerless.

Regina suddenly has the ability to use the wand.

Um...why? Is she bad enough now or something?

With the help of Emma's baby blanket a vortex opens up directly over Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat. The house gets pulled up into the air.

Heartless

Merida sneaks away from Emma and uses the wisp for herself, but before she can follow the wisp to find her brothers, Emma arrives all upset because she wanted to use the wisp first.

Darn! What can she do?

With Rumpelstiltskin's encouragement, Emma decides she has to rip out Merida's heart.

Well, that escalated quickly.

Emma and Merida fight while Rumpelstiltskin manages to convince her to take out Merida's heart. Hook and the others arrive just in time to coax Emma to put the heart back like a nice girl. Emma says, "The darkness will consume everyone I care about. I need to find Merlin, so I have to kill Merida."

Um...what? There's probably more than one wisp around. Or, should could go with Merida and the wisp, then recapture the wisp after it leads Merida to her brothers. Or...oh, never mind.

Anyway, Hook manages to convince her love is the answer and she does the ole heart transplant. Merida goes on her way, ready to take the path of peace instead of the bloody fight she was planning on doing once she found her brother's kidnappers.

abc.com

Mary Margaret gives Emma the dagger, but she passes it to Regina, knowing she's the only one who can handle the burden. Without warning, out of the woods, King Arthur comes with the broken Excalibur stating Merlin sent them, according to his prophecy. They say Emma is the one who will lead them to Merlin.

Go directly to Camelot, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

So everyone, including Granny, the dwarfs, Selina...baby Neal, go to the Camelot.

Six weeks later, Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat slams back down into Storybrooke. But no one has any memory of what happened six weeks ago. Emma walks in with white eyebrows, wearing a long black cloak rocking the Dark One's look.

abc.com

Why?

Emma answers, "Because I'm the Dark One."


Who was tonight's MVP?

#1. Emma
#2. Regina
#3. Selina