The Dating Game, Storybrooke Style

Welcome to The Dating Game, where one lovely bachelorette interviews three hopeful fellas. But here's the catch folks, only the viewing audience can see the handsome chums vying for the honor of being picked.

Now let's meet our bachelorette! She grew up in an orphanage, and hopped through a series of fosters homes. After a brief stint in jail, she settled into the cozy career of bounty hunting. These days she wields swords, fights Evil Queens, and breaks curses. Meet, Emma Swan!

The lovely Bachelorette, Emma Swan!
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Emma gives a little wave to the audience and shifts in her stool. She glances at the large screen that separates her from the three male contestants.

He always tells the truth, travels by motorcycle, and is handy to have around the camp fire. Meet Bachelor #1!

Hey, check out my cool typewriter.
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August Wayne Booth gives a shy smile and tugs at his red handkerchief tied around his neck.

When his ship comes over the horizon, the seaport village men lock up their wives. He likes long walks on the beach, breakfast in bed, and leaves his women always wanting more. Meet Bachelor #2.

Arrrr you ready for some lovin'?
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Captain Sexy Eyes winks and salutes the audience with his hook.

He holds down the law, volunteers at the animal shelter, and manages to have the perfect amount of sexy stubble every day. Meet Bachelor #3.

Is there a problem officer?
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Schmexy clears his throat and nods.

Emma tosses a flaxen wave over her shoulder. “Bachelor #1,” she begins, “if you had to give yourself a nickname, what would that be?”

August glances up at the ceiling, and touches his chin. “Well, I guess it would be Honest Abe. I can't tell a lie.”

“It sure as hell isn't, Mr. Dependable,” Captain Sexy Eyes snorts. “You left Emma in the orphanage and caught the next bus out of that filth hole.”

“I was protecting her!” August whines.

“The only thing you were protecting was your arse,” Captain Sexy Eyes says.

“Whatever!” Emma huffs. “Okay, Bachelor #2, what is your best pick up line?”

“Oh, Lovey,” Captain Sexy Eyes grins. “All I need is to stare at you from across a crowded room. By the time you walk over, talking will be the last thing on your mind.” He demonstrates his 'look' for the audience causing a cacophony of cat calls.

Emma licks her lips and pushes up the sleeves of her red leather jacket. “Bachelor #3, which is more important; a good sense of humor, an intelligent conversation, or having a passion in life?”

“A killer bod!” Captain Sexy Eyes calls out.

Schmexy looks pained. He runs a hand through his hair. “Um...well, I think all of those things are important. But, for me, the most important thing is—”

“Boobies!” Captain Sexy Eyes interrupts.

August folds his arms in front of his chest and gives him a disgruntled look.

“What about you Honest Abe?” Captain Sexy Eyes nudges August with his hook. “You're thinking it, too! Come on, you can't tell a lie...remember?”

Emma impatiently crosses her legs. “I'm still waiting for Bachelor #3 to answer, guys!”

Schmexy rubs a hand over his stubble. “I guess I would say the most important thing for me is—”

“Say it!” Captain Sexy Eyes nudges August again. “Say, boobies!”

“Oh my, God,” Emma sighs. She flips to her next index card. “Bachelor #2,” she begins, “what song best describes your life and why?”

Captain Sexy Eyes taps his steal hook against his lower lip, frowning in deep concentration. Then he wiggles his eyebrows at the audience, and gives them another smile. “Sexy And I Know It!” The music suddenly starts playing. He climbs up on his stool, gyrating to his anthem.

“Bachelor #3,” Emma yells over the whistles from the audience. “Describe your idea of a perfect date.”

“Well,” Schmexy begins quietly. “That is, I think the most important thing is—”

“All right, goddamn it!” August takes off his red handkerchief and wipes his brow. “I'm thinking of her boobies! Are you happy now?” He starts to cry.

Captain Sexy Eyes rolls his eyes, and makes the crazy sign toward August.

Schmexy says, “You're being a bully. Leave him alone, he's done nothing to you.”

The mischievous smile leaves Captain Sexy Eyes' face. “Says the man who took Emma's mother into the forest to kill rip out her heart as a trophy for the Evil Queen.” He snorts at the end to show his disgust.

“But I freed her,” Schmexy rebuts. “And then I helped Prince Charming escape from the Evil Queen's castle. If it weren't for me, Emma wouldn't even exist.” He leers at the Captain, daring him to respond.

Say, you seem nervous for just a walk in the woods.
sensibleserial.com

August sniffles, making them turn in his direction. “I'm the one who brought her to this place without magic. If it weren't for me...”

Hands up!
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“Oh, hold on, chap,” Captain Sexy Eyes puts up his hook, stopping August. “Is this the part how you left her as an unprotected infant, then finally managed to catch up to her on the night she was arrested, but instead of stepping in to help her, you let the boyfriend go free? And even when Emma got out of jail you left it up to Henry to find her, like...ten years later?”

Schmexy and Captain Sexy Eyes stare August down.

“When you put it that way,” he says to his boots.

Emma closes her eyes and lets out a deep breath. “Like I was saying,” she tries again. “Bachelor #1, if you were to propose, how would you do it?”

“He'd get down on one knee,” Captain Sexy Eyes starts, “and show you his big wood.” Schmexy laughs and fist bumps him. August bites down on his handkerchief and stomps his foot.

“Bachelor #3,” Emma begins, her voice rising. “What is the most—”

“Wolves,” Schmexy says quickly.

“I didn't finish the question,” Emma says.

“Doesn't matter,” Schmexy tells her. “Wolves are my answer to everything.”

Captain Sexy Eyes gives him an unsure look, then scoots his stool farther away.

“Okay,” Emma says slowly. She flips to the next index card. “Bachelor #2, who do you think should pick up the tab on our first date?”

“Let's get real, Lovey.” Captain Sexy Eyes walks around the screen and struts over to Emma. “This contest was over the second you saw my silhouette,” he says, motioning with his hook to the screen still hiding August and Schmexy.

Emma blinks back at him as he leans in closer. She counts the silver studs in his ear.

“Who do you want?” he asks playfully. “A weepy excuse for a protector who bolted on you the first chance he got, or a confused outdoors man who smells like wet dog?”

Emma glances at the screen again. August is hunched over, still raking with sobs. Schmexy is curled up on the floor, appearing to be sleeping.

Captain Sexy Eyes drops his voice to a throaty whisper. His stubble grazes her cheek as he moves closer to her ear. “Or me...the total package.”

Emma lightly traces the curve of his hook with her finger tips. He gives her a wicked smile and reaches for her hand.

“Thanks for the offer,” Emma says, pulling away. “But I've already had enough alone time with you.”

“Are you mad?” The hurtful tone to his voice is unmistakable.

“No,” Emma motions to the corner of the studio where Jefferson is leaning against the wall, waiting for her. “But he is.” She turns and whips her flaxen waves hitting Captain Sexy Eyes in the face. “Later, losers,” she calls over her shoulder. Jefferson pockets his eyeliner and holds out his arms to her.

Paisley is the new black.
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Once Upon A Time, Episode 5, Season 2, "The Doctor"

Or better title, "Zombies Don't Cry"

Welcome home!
photo credit, welovesoaps.net

Emma and Mary Margaret trample through the forest with Mulan and Sleeping Beauty, fresh from their failed quest to reach Storybrooke through the enchanted wardrobe. But they stop short when they discover their super safe fort has been attacked. The bodies with holes in their chests tip off Mary Margaret that this isn't the work of an ogre, but none other than Barbara Hershey Cora and her puffy lips.

Among the piles of victims they find one sole survivor...Captain Hook.

photo credit, starstills.com

David struts around Storybrooke with his borrowed Sheriff's star and holster.

Personally, I have more faith in Woody from Toy Story.

Dr. Whale approaches him to discuss the serious matter of whether the Mayor's new attitude of not using magic or killing people is genuine. Instead, David sucker punches him for dating Mary Margaret that one time awhile ago when no one knew their real identity.

After that pointless display of testosterone, David tell Dr. Whale he's trying to build a portal back to fairytale land.

The Mayor visits Dr. Hopper for her therapy session about resisting magic—it's been two days! Dr. Whale bursts into the room and demands a one way trip back to fairytale land.

The Mayor spits out that she has no magic strong enough to give him what he wants, plus there's that awkward mention of a dead brother he's looking for.

Desperate, Dr. Whale storms out of another scene with no real purpose but to give the other characters an opportunity to dump information. Dr. Hopper calmly convinces Regina to tell him about her first time...um with magic.

Rumpelstiltskin and Regina are in a forest clearing playing with a unicorn. A unicorn!!! He shows her how to reach in and take it's heart, but she has a horrible flashback to when Cora did the ole' heartectomy on Daniel (her true love).

Rumpelstiltskin assures her that death only occurs when you will it. He demonstrates the proper technique showing her that even though he holds it's heart, the unicorn is still alive—however it is now controlled by him.

When you take a heart, he tells her, it becomes enchanted and you control it. When Regina resists again he can't hide his disappointment and says, “If you want magic you have to be willing to use the power.”

Here are some other tidbits he's given us; Magic comes with a price, true love is the most powerful magic of all, true love's kiss will break any spell...

The Mayor tearfully confesses to Dr. Hopper that she enchanted Daniel's body and has kept him under glass in her secret vault in the cemetery. Dr. Hopper warns her that as long as she lives in the past, she'll never find her future.

Also, keeping your dead fiance on display is waaaay sicko.

The Mayor doesn't like his advice and blasts out of his office, convinced he and his bow tie can't help her. On the drive home in the rain she thinks she sees Daniel leering at her from across the street...but a second later he's gone—poof like magic.

But that's silly because there's no magic in Storybrooke, except when there is.

David takes Henry to the stables to learn riding and horse grooming as part of his knight in training—in Storybrooke school doesn't matter.

The Mayor visits her mausoleum of love and is terrified to find Daniel's glass casket is *gasp* empty.

Regina meets Rumpelstiltskin and begs him to teach him how to bring back the dead. Rumpelstiltskin does his customary Irish jig of nonsense, and says that transcending death is even beyond his reach.

Up pops Jefferson with a crystal ball to barter. Rumpelstiltskin rolls his eyes at the overly confidant con-artist and reiterates that what he really he needs Jefferson to find is a non-magical realm.

*cough* Storybrooke *cough*

Regina eavesdrops and realizes Jefferson may have some connections that can help her bring Daniel back from the dead.

Jefferson has all the swagger of a bachelor and therefore has yet to become little Grace's loving father. Presently driven by greed, he tempts Regina with knowledge of a wizard who can help her. In exchange he wants a royal passport to move throughout the various realms without any hassle from all those enemies he's made with his shady deals.

Mulan tells Emma she recognizes Captain Hook as a black smith who visited their camp a few months ago. He acts traumatized as he recalls how he survived Cora's thoracic punch-a-thon by pretending to be dead. But Emma isn't fooled and she pulls a knife to his throat demanding the truth.

The Mayor travels to the spookiest part of the hospital basement looking for Dr. Whale.

Jefferson arrives at Regina's castle with 'the wizard' and it's...Dr. Whale! Except he's dressed like a steam punk version of Elton John. 

Light bulb moment!! He's Victor Frankenstein.

Dear ABC,

Frankenstein is NOT a fairytale.

Daniel, my brother...
photo credit, tumblr.com

Dr. Frankie examines Daniel's body. He tells Regina his experiment will require a strong heart that can sustain reanimation. Regina refuses to use one of her mother's enchanted hearts, since she is the reason Daniel is dead.

Wait...no magic? Honey, how the heck are you supposed to bring him back?

The Mayor enters a ransacked room and finds Dr. Whale under a stretcher...and missing an arm. He confesses he reanimated Daniel, but instead of the romantic stable boy, he's now a dangerous blood thirsty zombie.

Yikes! He and the Mayor are going to be Storybrooke's ultimate power couple.

Dr. Frankie assures Regina absolutely no magic is used in his reanimation. She caves and leads Jefferson and Dr. Frankie down to her mother's creepy heart vault. Dr. Frankie looks like a kid in a candy store.

Another bad day for the Mayor.
photo credit,

David arrives at the hospital and questions The Mayor about Dr. Whale's injuries. She admits Daniel has come back via Dr. Whale's gruesome medicine using one of her hearts from the vault. They worry about which heart was used?  

Well, I know it's not Schmexy's because she *sob* crushed his *sob*.

The Mayor quickly deduces Daniel will be acting on his last memories of being in her mother's stables.

Oops, I guess David shouldn't have left Prince Henry all alone.

Emma ties Captain Hook to a tree, leaving him an appetizer for the ogre. His charade cracks and spills the beans about Cora's master plot to find a way to Storybrooke. He tells them she has the enchanted ashes from the wardrobe, but she still needs his ship, and a magic compass. In exchange for his life, he promises to take them instead (since he's super eager to pay a visit to Rumpelstiltskin).

By hook or by crook...
photo credit wetpaint.com

The Mayor and David arrive just in time to save Henry. They lock Daniel in a stall and she convinces David back off with his gun and let her try and talk to him.

This makes sense because zombies always listen to reason.

Dr. Frankie takes the enchanted heart and disappears into a tent on the hillside as Regina and Jefferson stand in the rain, watching him work behind a screen. His shadow hand pierces Daniel's body just as lightening flashes. A heart beat later (sorry, bad pun) he comes out looking crestfallen and tells Regina the heart wasn't strong enough for the procedure.

Hmm...I think he saved it for his brother. You know from that classic fairytale by Mary Shelley.

*rolls eyes*

The Mayor enters the stall and Daniel approaches her slowly, making her cry with joy. Then he zooms in and starts to strangle her. She chokes out that she loves him and BAM! just like that, he's not a zombie anymore.

Dear Walking Dead,

Put down your weapons, all the zombies need is love.

Daniel collapses in severe pain, begging the Mayor to let him die.

Wow, that was quick.

He pleads with her again, urging her to love again. When she tearfully refuses, he lunges toward her, unable to fight the urge to attack. She finally uses magic and kills him instantly.

Sleepy Beauty did a lot of staring this episode.
photo credit, wetpaint.com

Captain Hook leads Emma, Mary Margaret and Mulan through the forest...oh wait, Sleeping Beauty is there too, but she only had one line this whole episode and has no real motivation for this scene. He takes them to a clearing where a bean stalk reaches into the clouds. Emma gives him a look and realizes she not only has to scale an enormous vine, but also battle a giant for the magic compass.

Regina, now smarting from Daniel's botched reanimation, visits Rumpelstiltskin with a new bad ass attitude, and a Marge Simpson inspired hair. She kills his newest apprentice without flinching, proving she's ready for power.

Jefferson and Dr. Frankie visit Rumpelstiltskin and they cackle with joy about how they tricked Regina; Dr. Frankie got to keep the heart, and Regina returned to Rumpelstiltskin super mean and ready for revenge on the world.

Dr. Frankie makes it clear his world has no magic, and that his passion goes by another name. Jefferson keeps his end of the bargain by creating the purple vortex with his hat to send Dr. Frankie back to his world—Europe, I'm guessing.

Dr. Whale arrives at Mr. Gold's shop with his severed arm, and Mr. Gold easily reattaches it, but he offers no hope on the whereabouts of his lost dead brother.

We go black and white to a castle by the sea in the middle of a lightening storm. Dr. Frakie enters his lab with the enchanted heart, pausing by the long metal table. His assistant makes the necessary adjustments to the body under the sheet. The storm rages on. He flicks the heavy power switch and the blanket twitches violently. It's not magic...it's science!

Predictions for the next episode

1. Sleeping Beauty goes missing but no one realizes until the end of the show.
2. Captain Hook and Mary Margaret trade necklaces just for fun, but she realizes her disastrous mistake when the silver key unlocks the handcuffs they slapped on Cora.
3. Granny goes on strike, upset that she's only had one line this season.

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Once Upon A Time, Episode 2, Season 2 “We Are Both”

Or better title, “That Was Easy”

Peer pressure.
photo credit, wetpaint.com

Grumpy and the dwarfs decide to test the town limits by using the scientific method—they draw straws and Sneezy is the poor schmuck. After an impatient Grumpy pushes him over the line, he starts to quiver and emit bolts of lightening.

I'm guessing this isn't good since the music gets spooky.

Storybrooke is in chaos; the Dementor black demon from last episode has destroyed most of the town, and lost fairy tale characters are looking for loved ones...like Gheppetto!

In his small boarding room, a wooden August Wayne Booth suddenly opens his eyes.

This creeps me out like that Twilight Zone episode, Talky Tina, when the doll speaks on it's own.

*Chills*

David pays a visit to the Mayor demanding to know why she no longer has magic to help him get to fairytale land to find Emma and Mary Margaret. Shockingly, she has no real answer for him...or us.

Dear ABC,

Okay, whatever. I will forgive all of the plot inconsistencies as long as you bring the Sheriff back.

In fairytale land, Regina races through the forest on horseback, but Cora, her evil mother, (aka Barbara Hershey, aka Queen of Hearts), casts a binding spell, making sure she stays, and goes through with her upcoming marriage to the King, Show White's father.

The Blue Fairy without her cross.
photo credit, ctv.ca

David needs magic to find Emma and Mary Margaret, and since the Mayor has no answers, he goes to the Blue Fairy—barely recognizable in her Nun attire.

I'm guessing the fairy costume will be the more popular pick this Halloween.

Dear ABC,

What about Nova who was all sweet over Grumpy? 

The Blue Fairy announces that without fairy dust there's nothing she can do to help David. Grumpy arrives with Sneezy who is adamant that he's the town pharmacist. Henry and David exchange worried looks. Apparently, once you cross the town border, your cursed identity becomes your permanent identity.

Regina spends some time with little Snow White, but her anger toward the child is so strong, she fears she's becoming as evil as her mother. When she confides to her father, Henry, he tells her Cora wasn't always a power hungry, evil spell caster. One day she met a man who gave her a book of spells...and she wasn't the same after that.

Ten points if you can guess his name. I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with Bumblestitskin.

The Mayor knows she needs magic to get Henry back. She visits Mr. Gold's shop demanding her mother's old magic book. He laughs and points to the door, but she hints she knows he has something big planned for Storybrooke. And it's this vague notion that's enough to force him to give her the book.

Really? That was easy.

Regina steals her mother's magic book and summons Rumpelstiltskin. He not surprised to see her and confides he's known her family for a long time.

David is feeling the pressure of being the town's leader—plus there's the small problem of his wife and daughter being sucked into a different dimension. Henry suggests he find Jefferson since he can work the hat that is the portal to fairytale land.

Geez, that Henry has all the answers. It's like the writers are telling him exactly what to say.

Instead of actually walking around town LOOKING for Jefferson, David visits Mr. Gold's shop so he can conjure a spell that will lead him to Jefferson.

*cough* lazy *cough*

In exchange for the potion, David promises to stay out of Mr. Gold's schemes.

Why would you promise him that?! What if his scheme is to keep Emma and Mary Margaret in fairytale land forever?

Mr. Gold gives David a tiny flask, and a cool smile, but when he learns memories are wiped clean once you cross the town limits, he's so happy, he smashes all the glass cabinets. NOT.

Rumpelstiltskin explains to Regina that she comes from a long line of powerful magic, but she's hesitant to believe him. In order to convince her, he congers an early wedding present—a mirror that is a portal to another world.

The Mayor opens the magic book; it has a heart on the front (obvious clue). She leans forward and breathes in it's magic.

That was easy. 

David uses the potion on Jefferson's hat and it leads him to an overturned car where he's been conveniently trapped while everyone else has been dealing with the whole magic-has-come-to-town-and-I'm-actually-a-fairytale-character thing.

The Mayor takes her newly minted magic self and busts up a meeting at the town hall. She starts throwing fireballs around, until Henry puts a stop to the crazy pyrotechnic show, saying he'll go back with her. While everyone watches, they leave together.

That was easy.

Jefferson tells David his magic hat is no longer magic and therefore useless. David gets all tough and threatens him with a knuckle sandwich, but Jefferson says they're both doomed to remember one life and forced to live another; then he laughs and runs away like the manic he is.



The Jeffster.
photo credit, tumblr.com



Sheriff Swag
photo credit, tumblr.com

Dear ABC,

Please give Jefferson more air time. Also, I would appreciate it if the Sheriff could now play Rumpelstiltskin.

Henry confronts the Mayor about her overbearing tendency to keep him prisoner. She tries to bribe him with magic, promising to teach him everything she knows...like making huge cupcakes appear out of thin air.

Sign me up!

Regina stands in her wedding gown, looking miserable as Cora lectures her on how to be the best dictator for the kingdom. Regina is disgusted with the unfathomable depths to her mother's evil and pushes her through the mirror, sending her to a different land.

Where? I'm guessing it's where the Queen of Hearts lives with Jefferson's severed head working on hats in her dungeon.

David prevents a parade of disgruntled characters lined up at the town limits, to stay in Storybrooke and to embrace both their identities. They nod and pledge to create a town where everyone is free to be two people...or something like that.

Regina gives Rumpelstiltskin back the book of magic. He entices her with all the amazing things she can do with spells. She agrees to let him tutor her as long as he promises she won't become like Cora.

That was easy.

David arrives at the Mayor's house with his sword ready to rescue Henry; don't forget he's embracing his real identity of a shepherd who is pretending to be a Prince. She breaks down and realizes she can't force him to love her, she tells Henry to go with David.

That was easy.

Dear ABC,

If the Mayor has her magic back and is trying to redeem herself, why doesn't she help David find a way back to fairytale land? I mean Henry would like that, right?

Meanwhile, all kinds of other stuff is happening:

The dwarfs buy some pick axes and decide to mine for fairy dust to help Sneezy get his memory back.

Mr. Gold stands at the town limit, while spooky music plays in the background.

The Mayor doesn't burn the heart covered magic book, but instead locks it up in case she decides to be evil again.

Ghepetto goes to August's boarding room, but the bed is empty.

A camp of renegade fairy tale characters!
photo credit, wetpaint.com

 

Mary Margaret and Emma are Mulan's prisoners. When they arrive at camp, the girls try to escape. As punishment, Mulan sends them to 'the pit'. Emma weeps over Mary Margaret's unconscious body. Out of the shadows another prisoner walks forward, a woman and it's....Cora.

 

Predictions for the next episode:

A new hot guy will be introduced only to be killed off or made to disappear for the next five episodes.

The Mayor will wear something black and cast a few spells.

Belle will get a job at Granny's diner/pub/laundromat, then she'll remember she's supposed to be changing Mr. Gold into a kind man, and rushes off to the pawn shop.

What do you think Cora will do once Mary Margaret wakes up and sees her Granny-in-law?

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Once Upon A Time, Episode 22 "A Land Without Magic" or "A Land With A Bit of Magic When It's Convenient"

Prince Charming struggles to break out of the Evil Queen's castle. He slumps to the dungeon floor, whispering Snow White's name. “I'll always find you,” he says.

He'll find her all right! After he wakes up from his coma he'll ask her out on a date, and then he'll decide to go back to his wife, and then he'll ask her out again and have an affair with her. Then he'll turn his back on her and ignore her, and then he'll want to get back together. But yeah...he'll find her.

The Queen's masked guards show up and escort him to his execution—since Snow White is permanently sleeping from the apple, the Queen has no more use for him. All seems lost until Prince Charming busts a few karate moves, but before you can say Jackie Chan, two more guards block his escape. One raises a bow and shoots his arrow, killing the other guard!

Who is this mysterious rescuer? The guard lifts his mask and it's...SCHMEXY! *Hugs TV*

Dear ABC,

He does scruffy/sexy so well. Note the arrow.
photo credit, tumblr.com

Thank you! I see you got my letters. I'll stop writing now.

Schmexy, in all his super Schmexy awesomeness, tells Prince Charming how he helped Snow White escape—although he left out the part about originally making the deal to kill her to save his wolves.

Ahem...Schmexy confesses he cannot leave the castle as he gave his heart to the Evil Queen, and is forced to be her prisoner forever. “Please don't let my sacrifice be in vain,” he says, and he urges Prince Charming to find Snow White speedy quick.

Henry is rushed into Emergency, strapped to a stretcher and unresponsive. Emma thrusts a plastic baggie of apple popover into Dr. Whale's face—the only Doctor in town. But he refutes her theory about Henry being poisoned since he's showing no signs of neural toxicity.

Wow! Amazing five second diagnosis, Dr. Whale.

Emma dumps Henry's backpack looking for any clues to what may have caused his sudden blackout. The storybook falls out and she touches it. Emma's eyes open wide and we're treated to a seizure inducing rate of fairytale land flashbacks. Ta-da! Emma suddenly believes.

What the heck? Like why now, and not all the other times she's touched the book?

Dear ABC,

Whatever.

I think this song by Carly Rae Jepsen sums up the moment nicely.

Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad. I missed you so, so bad.

Yeah, it doesn't make any sense in this story either.

Emma does her best impersonation of Jack Nicholson from The Shining and goes super crazy when the Mayor runs in to see Henry. Cat fight! How many times have these two punched it up? It's like The Bachelor.

Soon the supply closet is a mess. Emma demands answers from the Mayor. She confesses the apple was supposed to put Emma in a coma. She cries that she has no idea how to wake Henry up. The apple was the last bit of magic, and magic in this world is unpredictable.

Which is interesting because I thought NO MAGIC EXISTS IN THIS WORLD! Hello, that's actually the title of this episode.

*Rubs temples to fight off headache*

Now that everything is out in the open, the Mayor confides only person can help Henry now. The only OTHER person who knows about magic—Mr. Gold.

Um...isn't Jefferson magic? *Reaches for Tylenol*

The Evil Queen is very upset with Schmexy for letting Prince Charming get away. She tosses him up against the wall like she's auditioning for the part of Christian Grey. Except her version would be called 50 Shades of Black Dresses.

Prince Charming stumbles through the woods, running in circles. He realizes he's lost his mother's ring (she said it would help him find his true love) Rumpelstiltskin pops up from behind a log with the ring. Before Prince Charming can lunge toward him, Rumpelstiltskin puts a charm on the ring so that it will glow brightly the closer he gets to Snow White.

A sword fight ensues which is a handy trick the writers like to use to eat up air time without having to write any dialogue. Rumpelstiltskin wins the duel and tells Prince Charming his bravery, grace and gallantry is pointless. The only way out of the Infinite Forest is by magic.

David confronts Mary Margaret outside the Animal Shelter, trying to apologize. He says he tries to make the right decisions but everything gets messed up anyway. David still sucks at apologizing. This is a situation where bravery, grace and gallantry would be very useful. He tells her he's leaving Storybrooke unless she can give him a reason to stay. Mary Margaret lets out a long tired sigh and gets into her car, completely ignoring his teary face.

Rumpelstiltskin shows Prince Charming a vial with a few drops of sparkly, purple goo, and tells him it's a potion for true love—it's the only magic powerful enough to break any curse.

He locks it inside a huge Faberge egg and tosses it to Prince Charming. His task to win back his mother's ring is to keep the potion safe by putting it inside the belly of the beast.

Does he mean Ruby? And why does he need Prince Charming to do this? Can't he just use magic?



Mr. Gold, not exactly as shown.
photo credit, dailymail.co.uk



The Mayor and Emma visit Mr. Gold desperate for a way to save Henry. And now that Emma is a believer, Mr. Gold tells her matter of fact about the love potion made from both Prince Charming and Snow White's hair. He says only Emma can retrieve the potion because she's the product of their magic.

Yes, he actually said that—she's the product of their magic. Barry White should be singing this with a soft saxophone playing in the background.

Mr. Gold hands over Prince Charming's sword and tells Emma she has to use it to get the potion out of the belly of the beast.

Holy crap! Emma has to slice open Ruby?

Emma returns to Henry's bedside clutching the storybook, and vows to save him. I'm thinking it would be smart to open the book to get a few hints about the beast she has to slay.

After Emma leaves, the Mayor slinks in and apologizes to Henry. Jefferson (another hot guy cameo?! Thank you, ABC!) comes out of the shadows and demands the Mayor give him back his daughter. Remember the deal they made last episode?

But she says the deal is null and void because Emma didn't eat the apple. SNAP! Jefferson is furious and storms away.

Emma visits August's bedroom and finally sees his wood. Sorry, I couldn't help it. That's for you, Lexade. He gasps for her to break the curse. Emma begs for his help, but the grain reaches his face, and he shuts down into total puppet mode.

Emma meets the Mayor outside the abandoned shop they always walk by in the street scenes. Emma holds Prince Charming's sword and watches as the Mayor moves a few false walls to reveal an old steel elevator. The Queen hints she punished someone and trapped her in another form—and that's who's at the bottom.

Maleficient and her silly headpiece.
photo credit, twitter.com

Prince Charming charges into an abandoned castle, clutching the Faberge egg, and is met by Maleficent. She was a witch the Evil Queen fought with a super long time ago. Remeber? The Evil Queen threatened to kill her unicorn if she didn't hand over a dark curse. Somewhere in this castle is Sleeping Beauty, me thinks.

Prince Charming demands the whereabouts of the beast that guards the castle and in a page straight out of Be Careful What You Ask For, Maleficent turns into a fire breathing dragon.

Emma reaches the bottom of the shaft and searches the rocky catacombs. She stops to inspect something that looks like the glass coffin Snow White was showcased in. Before she can confirm my suspicions that Sleeping Beauty is inside, a huge eye opens up. Dragon time.

Prince Charming battles with the dragon, clutching the huge egg. What is this? The Triwizard Tournament! *Ten points for Harry Potter reference*

Like family tag-team, the scene switches back and forth with Emma and Prince Charming battling the dragon in different times. Prince Charming decides to ride the dragon like he's trying to escape Gringotts (ten more points!) He sees a space behind the ear flap and shoves it in. He escapes from the castle by jumping through a stained glass window and safely lands in the lake.

Emma gives up the sword and tries shooting at the beast, but the bullets are useless, and because she's a girl she falls down. *Rolls eyes*

Mary Margaret reads the storybook to Henry about how Prince Charming woke Snow White with true love's kiss—say it with me, "the kiss more powerful than magic."

Henry's heart rate stops and there is a frenzy of people in white rushing around. In all the confusion someone slips past the special secret code door, and down the stairs to the creepy basement. We see that it's Jefferson and he goes straight for Belle's cell. He lets her out and instructs her to find Mr. Gold and make sure to tell him that Regina locked her up.

Rumpelstiltskin gives Prince Charming the enchanted ring as promised, and decides to throw in a makeover, just 'cause he's so into fashion that way.

Emma rolls away from the dragon and grabs the sword. She throws it straight at it's belly and makes a perfect hit. The dragon explodes in a burst of fire. Emma squints through the haze and sees the Faberge egg nestled in a mound of ash.

Prince Charming finds the dwarfs surrounding a glass coffin. Thinking Snow White has died, he lifts off the lid, wanting to say good-bye. He gives her a kiss...and well you know the rest. She wakes up and a seismic wave of color washes over Fairytale land.

They walk along the lake shore with majestic mountains in the background. Canada brings out the romantic in every one. Prince Charming puts the ring on her finger and proposes. Snow White mentions the pesky problem of both their parents who are trying to kill them, but she has a solution and tells him it's time to take back the kingdom. *High fives TV*

Emma is in the elevator with the egg. When it jerks to a stop she looks up and sees Mr. Gold smiling down at her. He says the Mayor abandoned her. She can't climb and hold the egg, so she tosses it up to him, but when Emma reaches the top, she finds the Mayor gagged and tied.

Before they can plot revenge, their phones ring. They race to the hospital and find out they're too late. Dr. Whale and the Head Nun tell them Henry has died. Emma slowly approaches the bed as the Nurse takes off his oxygen mask.

Mr. Gold opens the egg and takes out the vial containing the tiny bit of purple. He hears a voice and turns to see Belle. She gives him the message about Regina, but he can't speak. He finally touches her and realizes the Mayor has been lying to him the whole time.

Really? How shocking that he can't trust her!

I command thee to rise!
photo credit, seat42f.com 

Back at the hospital cellos play in the corner as Emma leans over Henry. She cries and whispers that she loves him. Cue true love's kiss.

Henry wakes from the dead!

*cough* Saw it coming *cough*

A rainbow wave washes over Storybrooke, hitting every character, including David who almost made it to the town limits in his pickup truck. Everyone gets that weird 'deja vu' look on their face.

The Mayor makes a last ditch attempt to win Henry's heart, and then makes a run for it, since the whole town hates her. She hides in her house and cries into a pillow.

David and Mary Margaret find each other AGAIN, and finally remember their real past.

Mr. Gold and Belle walk through the forest. She stops and calls him Rumpelstiltskin and they share true love's hug. Before the celebration gets out of hand, he tells her there's something he must do first. He shows her the magic well that will return, that which you have lost. He drops in the vial.

But instead of Bellfire emerging (which was my guess), a purple fog oozes over the sides and engulfs them both.

Henry and the others watch the huge purple cloud envelope the town. Everyone looks frightened...except for the Mayor.

Mr. Gold is bringing back the magic. He holds Belle close and tells her magic is power.

And the Mayor smiles because she knows. GAME ON.

But remember everyone, magic comes with a price. I'm guessing the town will go splitsville with some siding with Rumpelstiltskin, and some siding with the Evil Queen. Prepare for outrageous costumes, everyone.

We have to wait until the fall before we know what happens next. However, over the summer I'll be composing my thesis for ABC. I've already started with a few questions.

If true love's kiss can break any curse, everyone in Storybrooke should be safe as long as Snow White and Prince Charming keep making out on a regular basis.

Is the reason we never saw Sleeping Beauty because she's been trapped underground with Maleficent?

Again Rumpelstiltskin chose magic over his son. I thought he made peace with that two episodes ago? Why change his mind?

What do you think will happen next?