Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 4, "Nasty Habits"

Or better title, "Everyone Gets Knocked Out"

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Neil is kidnapped by one of Lost Boys. There's a lot of tough talk about how awesome Peter Pan is and how no one can beat him. Neil encourages the Lost Boys' monologue while he wiggles out of his ropes. Before you can say, "We can fly!" he knocks the dude unconscious and takes off into the jungle. 

Rumpelstiltskin (all fancy in his sparkle make-up and perm) arrives home and gives Baelfire the latest token from a terror stricken peasant. But poor Baelfire is tired of being The Dark One's son and wants the freedom to play with other kids. Rumpelstiltskin refuses, saying there are too many enemies who would try and hurt him.

Really? I'd bet the opposite. I would think no one would mess with him.

Mr. Gold paints his face with black lines (more make-up?) for his upcoming battle with Peter Pan. A vision of Belle arrives for a hologram therapy session. She reminds him that Henry will be his undoing. Mr. Gold tells her since Neil is dead, he has nothing to live for, and that the only way he can redeem himself is to trade his life by saving Henry.

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Emma maps out Henry's rescue mission. But Tinkerbell soon finds out there is no clear plan to get off Neverland. She refuses to help until they can prove they can help her escape the island—an island she reminds us, that is full of dangerous shadow bane... or something.

On cue, Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE) shares a glance with a dying David, the latest victim of shadow bane... or something. CSE then tries to save the day and reminds them Neil somehow escaped Neverland as Baelfire.

Mr. Gold wanders the jungle and comes across two Lost Boys. He magics them unconscious and takes their spears dipped in shadow bane. Someone crashes through the bushes—it's Neil! Mr. Gold is convinced Neil is another vision, just like Belle. He attacks him with the spear, but Neil calls him Papa and the soft music begins to play in the background letting us know everything will be okay.

Rumpelstiltskin returns home from another pillaging field trip, but Baelfire is missing. He uses magic to follow his trail to a nearby village. He is shocked to find most of the boys in the town are missing. Someone is luring them out of their beds at night. It's the Piped Piper.

Neil and Mr. Gold connect the dots in a bitter sweet reunion, okay it was more like a bitter and bitterest reunion. Mr. Gold confirms the only way to beat Peter Pan is to be wiling to die. But Neil has another way. He takes his dad to the lagoon and blows a conch shell; a sound that giant squids find irresistible. They manage to wrestle a giant squid from the shore. Apparently the ink will render any magical being useless.

What? No sleeping spell or knocking it unconscious? 

Emma and the gang follow CSE to what used to be Baelfire's hideaway while he lived on Neverland. They enter the cave and see drawings on the wall. They search for a clue that will help them get off of the island.

Rumpelstiltskin tracks the Piped Piper the next night and watches from the shadows as the enchanted runaways dance around a fire. He unmasks the flute player and discovers it's Peter Pan. He of course recognizes Rumpelstiltskin from when he was a Lost Boy. Peter Pan tells him that the flute can only be heard by boys who feels unloved and lost—that's why they come to him.

Back at Peter Pan's camp on Neverland, Henry is refusing to dance with the other dudes around the fire. Peter Pan plays the flute knowing no one can resist his impersonation of Zamfir. But guess what! Henry can't hear the flute.

Peter Pan is slightly flummoxed, but he gets downright flabbergasted when he discovers Neil has escaped and that two of his guards were knocked unconscious with a sleeping spell. Peter Pan figures out Neil and Rumpelstiltskin have found each other. Now he's ready to rumble. The first thing he does is knock Henry unconscious.

Sweet Mother of God! Is there any other option on this island?

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Emma finds a broken coconut shell with holes in it. She puts in a candle and the ceiling of the cave lights up with stars. CSE tells them it's a map back home.

See? No one was rendered unconscious and the plot still moved forward.

Mr. Gold and Neil arrive to confront Peter Pan. Neil shoots an arrow, but Pan grabs it. Neil is smug when he admits to putting the squid's ink on the handle.

Smart.

While Peter Pan's magic is rendered useless, Neil grabs Henry and flips him over his shoulder, fireman style. Peter Pan uses this moment to tell Neil about the prophecy; you know, the one about Henry being the undoing of Mr. Gold.

Neil's all like..., huh? what?  He demands answers from dear old dad. Mr. Gold confirms the seers prophecy.

Remember that episode? She had no eyes. *shivers*

Neil is upset that his dad had originally planned to kill Henry. Mr. Gold tries to explain that was before he knew Henry was his grandson, but Neil is still grossed out.

I can see his point. 

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Rumpelstiltskin is shocked to see Baelfire frolicking with the other boys around the fire. He magics him back to their home, saying Peter Pan cannot be trusted. Baelfire is incensed that his dad forced him away from the maniac kidnapper instead of nicely asking him to leave.

Teenagers. *rolls eyes*

Mr. Gold tells Neil he is willing to trade his life's for Henry's. Neil hugs him, but then brings up the old story of how he chose magic over him.

God! Not that again.

Mr. Gold looks at his hand and sees a black smear. The squid ink renders Mr. Gold powerless.

How much of that ink does Niel have left anyway?

CSE dampens everyone's hopes when he lets them know that the star map is written in a code that only Baelfire would know. Emma reminds the group that Neil is dead, and she runs out of the cave weeping for the only guy she's ever loved.

At times like this, I really miss Schmexy.

Neil carries Henry though the jungle. He smiles when he comes across Emma's old camp site. Peter Pan arrives with his brood of kidnappers. “No one gets off this island without my permission,” he says.  Neil realizes Peter Pan let him go the first time, and that no one can outwit this immortal adolescent. Peter Pan smugly disappears with a STILL unconscious Henry.

He's going to have to read this blog to catch up on all the stuff he missed.

Mr. Gold regains his magic. A vision of Belle tries to comfort him, saying that he's a changed man ...a good man. And now that his son is alive, he has something to live for. Darn that prophecy! Mr. Gold has to struggle with his nasty habit of self preservation.

Seriously? That's the reason for the title?

Henry finally wakes up, back at the party of dancing boys. He thinks he just fell asleep, has no idea he's been dragged back and forth across the jungle. He says he dreamt about his dad. Peter Pan reminds him that his father is dead and his mother abandoned him.

His host skills could use a little finesse.

But Peter Pan suggests Henry can now make new dreams, and create a new family. He pulls out his flute and of course, Henry can hear the tune now. He starts to dance and get down with his bad self and all the other Lost Boys.

Where the heck is Simon to tell everyone that the beast is really just a dead pilot? Oh, sorry, wrong island.

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 1 "Heart of the Truest Believer"

 Or better title, "Blood Magic; The Most Convenient Magic of all"

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The show starts with Emma giving birth to Henry while the security guard from the prison looks on. She refuses to hold the baby, and tearfully says she's not fit to be his Mother.

We flash forward to present day as Hook, aka Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE), steers the gang toward Neverland.

Henry lands on a darkened beach with Naomi and Greg. They break it to Henry that they're not in the Enchanted Forest, but in Neverland “The Mother-load of Magic,” according to Naomi.
 
CSE points out to Regina how ironic it is that he's wasted most his life trying to leave Neverland to find Rumpelstiltskin, and now he's got him on board. Emma is bitter towards Mary Margaret and David. She says choosing to be good has never worked out for them. She decides being hopeful sucks and that her parents are useless. Mr. Gold breaks up the meeting and determines he's the one that can save Henry. He calls Emma out, saying she's still a non-believer.

He says, 'Neverland is a place where imagination runs wild, and unfortunately yours doesn't.' Then he disappears!

Greg and Naomi make a camp fire, hoping to connect with their evil counterparts. Out of the woods, the Lost Boys arrive and drop the bomb shell that they tricked Greg and Naomi. Their only mission is to collect Henry. While a freaky shadow thing rips out Greg's soul and Naomi is skewered, Henry takes off into the jungle. He's rescued by a young kid with big ears.

Back on the ship, Emma does chin ups in anticipation of some kick ass action to come. CSE gives her Baelfire's old sword. They throw back a few shooters, drinking to Neil.

In the Enchanted Forest, Neil wakes up surrounded by Mulan, Aurora and Prince Phillip.

So... I guess they found Phillip.

Aurora excitedly tells Neil that she knows Henry since they spent some time in the sleepy room of flames together. She's convinced she can contact him again with a message that Neil is alive and that he loves Emma.

The pirate ship comes under attack.

What is it? A whale? A krachan?

Nope. Angry mermaids. There's a lot of canons fired, then Regina gets bored and tosses a couple fire balls into the water. Emma manages to catch one and they bring it aboard.

FYI, mermaids in Neverland wear a lot of eye make-up and bejeweled bikini tops.

Henry and the mysterious boy with big ears take a rest. He shows Henry a vial of pixie dust, but claims it's useless. Then they talk about how creepy Pan is...you know about the stealing boys out of their beds issue.

Dear ABC,

J.M. Barrie is rolling in his grave.

Neil and Mulan converse about his bizarre childhood and upbringing. Aurora wakes from her sleep and determines she cannot make contact.

I'm shocked that she's useless...just like every other episode.

Neil puts on a sad face. Then he remembers his dad was so magical, he must have left something behind in his castle. Maybe that could help them?

Off to Rumpelstiltskin's castle!

Speaking of...Mr. Gold finds Naomi pulling herself along the ground with an arrow sticking out of her back. I know he's still Mr. Gold and NOT Rumpelstiltskin because his hair is straight and there's not a speck of gold glitter. He magically heals Naomi and asks her about Henry. She tells him Henry took off into the woods. She apologizes profusely and asks for his forgiveness. Instead, he rips out her heart and crushes it like a bag of potato chips.

Mulan and Neil travel to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. He confesses his fear of not having Emma love him back prevented him from telling her he loved her.

What? *scratches head*

The mermaid blows her conch shell and creates a storm. The others argue how to interrogate her; Mary Margaret wants to strike a deal, while Regina wants to kill her. Instead, Regina turns the mermaid into a statue. Suddenly a huge wave engulfs the entire ship.

Dummy. Everyone knows you never, NEVER turn a mermaid into stone.

In Rumpelstiltskin's castle Neil and Mulan search for some kind of magical solution to their problem.

Wait, that's every episode.

Robin Hood shows up and threatens them with his arrows, claiming that the castle is now his.

Does anyone see that this Robin Hood is completely different looking than the Robin Hood from last season?

Neil says he doesn't want the castle, only that one magical thing. Robin Hood tells Neil that Rumpelstiltskin actually spared his life.

Remember that episode?

Soon magical music starts...Neil finds his father's walking stick and a mysterious cabinet is revealed. Neil recognizes the blood magic.

Oh, okay. Blood magic. That's convenient.

Regina and Mary Margaret manage to have a fist fight on the ship. CSE and David decide to join them. Meanwhile, Emma tries to steer them through the storm. Since no one is listening to her, she dives overboard.

That, Emma. It's always about her desperate need for attention.

Henry and the kid with big ears are cornered by the Lost Boys. Henry grabs the vial of pixie dust and gives a lovely speech about how you have to believe in order for it to truly work. He takes the kid's hand and they jump off the cliff...and what do you know, they can fly. They can fly. They can fllllyyyy.

David ties a rope around his waist. He jumps in the angry waters after Emma and brings her to the surface. With the others helping, she's brought on board. She spits up some water and suddenly the storm stops.

Oh my gosh. It's like they had to work together to stop the storm...just like magic.

Mr. Gold finds the head Lost Boy, and says he's in Neverland for Henry. The Lost Boy gloats, promising a battle that will end Mr. Gold's life. Then he slaps down a present from Pan, a crude doll made from corn husks. Mr. Gold starts to cry.

Neil searches the hidden cabinet. He finds a snow globe and concentrates on how much he loves Emma. There is a vision and Neil sees that Emma is in Neverland.

She and the others have made it to the dark beach—except the mermaid, I don't know what happened to her. Emma reminds them all that this island is build on belief, and now is the time for them to all believe...not in magic (even blood magic), but to believe in each other.

I think Sesame Street called that cooperation.

Henry and the kid make it to safe ground. Then the boy reveals that he's Peter Pan. He's been on a mission to find the heart of the truest believer. And now Henry and his heart belong to Pan.


And now it's time for a musical request. This one goes out to Henry from Storybroke, the truest believer and youngest member of the most dysfunctional family.

 

 

 

 

 

Why the 'Once Upon A Time' Finale Flopped

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So the big finale was on this week. Yup, that's right, the finale. The show ABC promoted with the certain destruction of Storybrooke, including a super crazy twist, and all kinds of fairy tale fun.

It was going to be a final episode so awesome it would spellbind viewers and keep them thinking about the show over the summer break. What, I wondered, would be the cliffhanger ending or the clever twist. Would there be closure to certain story-lines in a meaningful way or would there be new ones, intended to seduce us to hold on for another season?

Once Upon A Time's big finale, Straight On Til Morning didn't exactly fulfill the above.

In fact, the very last scene was enough to make me go, "Um...huh?"

The Lost Boys bring Baelfire ashore to see the scary and powerful being only referred to as 'the shadow.'

The shadow steals boys from their bedrooms by luring them to a place called Neverland; an island with mermaids, pirates, and sword fights, but more importantly...no rules. But once the boys get on the island, they're not allowed to leave.

Ew. Yuck. Repeat. Peter Pan is NOT like that. J.M. Barrie is rolling over in his grave.

Baelfire is rejected by the shadow since he isn't the boy he's looking for. One of the Lost Boys call the shadow by the name of Peter Pan and the spooky music starts.

Wait..? That's the twist?

Anyone with half a brain or even in a coma would have figured out the shadow is Peter Pan.

But wait, there's more. One of the Lost Boys shows a picture of the boy Peter Pan has been searching for...and it's Henry.

Oh! That's the big twist.

*picks up phone and calls ABC*

Excuse me, but that makes no sense. A twelve year old version of Baelfire was cast aside because he didn't resemble the boy in the picture.

See the problem?

The Lost Boys are looking at a sketch of a kid who won't be born for another twenty years!!!

The series started out promising. So good in fact, it kept me watching this year when I should have turned off the show. But this season the rules are all over the place. The stakes are raised, only to have an easy way out.

How many times have the characters been in a crunch because they couldn't use magic only to have a forgotten spell or some kind of 'new' magic save them anyway?

A perfect example is in the finale when Emma was able to help Regina contain the trigger. The most powerful spell to disable the most powerful curse was absolved in a couple of minutes when Emma decided she was magical enough to give it a try. Lucky for Storybrooke since she only suffered a bruised knee when the spell was absorbed and the whole town was saved.

Sure. Of course.

I'm not sure how long I can stay loyal to a show that insults my intelligence by adding inconsistent elements for convenience sake. If I wrote a story that way, my agent would make me start all over again. And rightly so, it's cheating.

And let's not forget they killed off the Sheriff in season one. Now if ABC gave him a show, I'd totally tune into that.

Are you going to keep watching Once Upon A Time?

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Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 22, “And Straight On Til Morning”

Or better title, “Doesn't Matter”

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We're aboard Captain Hook's ship while he broods over a sketch of Mila. Bill Smead is worried about the boy they plucked from the ocean, but Hook sees this as an opportunity. He questions Baelfire and it's soon apparent that he's the son of his dead girlfriend. Hook keeps this info a secret and instead offers Baelfire a spot on his ship.

As Henry enjoys the Storybrooke playground, Mr. Gold watches from behind, lurking like he always does. Mary Margaret and David arrive and tell him that Neil had been shot by Tamara and then slipped through another portal, and is now probably dead.

David then drops the bomb about Regina's trigger. Mr. Gold blames himself for Neil's demise and is quite happy to let Storybrooke explode all around him.

Never ask a grieving father to help end a diabolical plan.

Hook walks through the mining tunnels with Tamara and Greg. They take a pick axe and explain that according to their people, once they smash the diamond trigger, it will activate the self destruct sequence.

Regina gets up just as Henry, Mary Margaret, Emma, and David enter the apartment. The room suddenly shakes. Regina tells them the trigger has been activated. Everyone will die except for Henry, since he's the only one born in this world.

Hook arrives and says he's on their team now since Greg and Tamara are crazy pants. He's all about revenge, but he's more into living.

Emma comes up with the super fantastic plan for David and Hook to find some magic beans, while she helps Regina slow down the trigger.

How? Doesn't matter.

In the meantime Mary Margaret and Henry will round up all the magic folk to be ready to leave.

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Hook tells Bill Smead he's not giving Baelfire over to 'the shadow thing.' The Lost Boys arrive like creepy vampire monks and decide to search the ship for Baelfire. Apparently the shadow doesn't like to lose boys that belong to him.

Ew.

Hook retrieves Baelfire from his hiding place, but scoffs at the notion that he's a nice guy for keeping him away from the creep squad.

The dwarfs invade Mr. Gold's shop. Grumpy says Mother Superior (the blue fairy) came up with a spell that will return Sneezy's memories. Once she had a hair from Pinocchio, a creature who returned to his genuine self, the spell was complete.

Ouch. Headache.

Anyway, the dwarfs are there to get Sneezy's beer stein which happened to be in Mr. Gold's shop.

How? Doesn't matter.

Before he leaves, Grumpy gives an extra does of potion to Mr. Gold to use on racy Lacey. But he tucks it away, since the new version of Belle likes bad guys with even worse teeth.

Hook and Baelfire bond at the wheel and talk nautical stuff. Baelfire tells Hook about his dad being The Dark One and how he changed into a bad dude once he became magical.

David and Hook walk through the sardine cannery looking for some loose magic beans Tamara might have dropped. They surprise Greg, but Tamara is his back up and starts firing rounds. A fight/chase/struggle ensues. Greg and Tamara end up getting away with a bottle of beans, but Hook manages to get one.

How? Doesn't matter.

Regina and Emma go into the mine.

How did they know where the trigger was? Doesn't matter.

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Regina tells Emma that in order to contain the curse she will have to absorb all the magic. She WILL die. She asks Emma to tell Henry that in the end she became the person he wanted her to be. She ignores Emma's pleas and starts the magic absorbing act.

Slowly, Storybrooke is taken over by the forest. Mr. Gold and Lacey share a drink while the town screams from the streets. He realizes he wants Belle back before they both die. He pours the potion in her chipped cup and she takes a swig. Instantly Belle has the memories of Sneezy.

Just kidding, it's Belle. And they immediately start to make out.

Damn you, ABC. *Shakes fist at TV*

The both hug each other and grieve for Neil.

David and Hook arrive at Granny's pub/diner/laundromat and announce they have a bean. It's all a go until Emma tells Henry about Regina's plan to suck up all the bad magic. Henry comes up with the idea to toss the trigger into the vortex.

Emma worries this won't work and Henry will be left alone in a forest in the middle of nowhere. Mary Margaret works her Joan Crawford eyebrows and tells Emma they have to try and save Regina.

Emma finally agrees, then Hook grabs the bean. He says Regina owes them her life. Emma gets all in his face slobbering about how Henry lost his dad today and how dare Hook look so sexy when everyone is about to die.

Hook gives her a funny glance and asks who Henry's father was. She tells him it was Neil, aka Baelfire.

Back on the pirate ship, Bill Smead challenges Hook to give up Baelfire or the shadow will destroy them all. Baelfire comes above deck with a knife and his mother's portrait from Hook's desk. Hook confesses that Mila was his true love and that Rumpelstiltskin ripped out her heart and crushed it.

Baelfire blames Hook for destroying his family.

Regina is surprised when the group shows up ready with the bean-portal-trigger-plan. When Emma opens up the pouch it's empty. Hook sails away on his ship, magic bean in hand.

Hook tries to convince Baelfire not to jump ship, but he's not buying into the pirate life. The Lost Boys arrive and take Baelfire without a fight.

The forest takes over Storybrooke. Regina tells Emma, David, Mary Margaret, and Henry that the end is near. Everyone group hugs and Emma comes up with another great idea. Since she's magical when it's convenient, she puts her hands on the trigger as well.

How? Doesn't matter.

After a few minutes, both women are pushed to the ground and the diamond goes black again.

The forest retreats and everyone is alive. Again they group hug. Once the love fest is over they realize Henry is missing. Emma runs through the tunnels and finds Tamara's bag.

Tamara and Greg have Henry and are rushing out of town. It seems the really didn't want the magic of Storybrooke, they wanted Henry.

Emma and the gang chase them down to the waterfront. Tamara throws a bean into the harbour creating a vortex to another world. She and Greg jump in with Henry in tow.

Emma screams as the vortex closes over. Mr. Gold and Belle arrive just in time to get caught up on all the news. When no one has any hope left, Hook turns his ship around offers up the last magic bean. Mr. Gold offers his services since he can track where Tamara and Greg have gone.

How? Doesn't matter.

Hook gives Mr. Gold the stinky eye since he's the dude he's been trying to kill for a few decades. Anyway, Mr. Gold tells Belle she has to stay and take care of Storybrooke since Greg and Tamara were a small part of a large group of wackos. He leaves her instructions rolled up in ribbon about how to put the town under an invisibility spell. He casually mentions the prophecy of how Henry will be his undoing.

Belle starts to cry when she realizes Rumpelstiltskin isn't coming back. He needs to save Henry to honor Baelfire's memory.

Neil washes up on a shore and is quickly rescued by Mulan, Aurora and Prince Phillip.

Hey, guys! How you doin'?

Mr. Gold wastes no time on Hook's ship before he gets out his magic globe to track Henry.

How? Doesn't matter.

His face grows even more lined. He locks eyes with Hook. Henry is being taken to Neverland. Hook grows nervous and tells them they're about to face someone they should all fear—Peter Pan.

The Lost Boys come ashore with Baelfire, but he doesn't match the sketch of the boy Peter Pan is looking for, he's looking for Henry.

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

#1. Hook's leather pants.

#2. The vortex plan actually made sense.

#3. Neil is still alive.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

#1. Mary Margaret's eyebrows. Holy cannoli! Am I the only one who noticed?

#2. Peter Pan does NOT kidnap little boys.

#3. Emma's magical ability is way too convenient.

 

Since this is the last episode until next season, I've decided to start blogging Game Of Thrones. The only thing I know about the show is that there are dragons, everyone is dirty, and there are a lot of battle scenes.

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 21, "Second Star To The Right"

Or better title, "Ew. Yuck. Gross."

Baelfire is being sucked into a green vortex while Rumpelstiltskin's grip slips. As we all know by now, Rumpelstiltskin loses Father Of The Year award by choosing magic over his son. Baelfire gets whisked away to a land where there is no magic...London, England.

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Six months later, Baelfire is a typical orphan, looking like he's ready to audition for the musical version of Oliver Twist. He sneaks into a lavish house, and ravishes a loaf of bread. A young girl is alerted by the barking Saint Bernard, but instead of throwing him out, she offers him more food, she introduces herself as Wendy Darling.

                                                              

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Tamara leaves Neil for her early morning jog/secret diabolical plan. He stays in bed but is soon woken by a screaming Dr. Whale. Mr. Gold and Lacey are having sport by bullying random towns people. Neil breaks up the fight and reminds Mr. Gold he's not being much of a role model.

 

Dear ABC,

Why does Mr. Gold not care about Neil anymore? Didn't he orchestrate the whole elaborate curse just to find Neil?

                                                                   

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Emma and David break into Regina's office looking for the missing magic beans. They find the plant, but, uh-oh no beans, plus no one has seen Regina. Emma can tell from the alarm that someone overrode the security system. Henry is worried. Mary Margaret and David thinks it's Mr. Gold, but Emma is still convinced Tamara is guilty of anything that goes wrong in Storybrooke.

Hook has Regina strapped down on a stretcher as Tamara and Greg watch behind glass. Tamara shows Greg the magic beans she just stole from Regina's office. Greg shows her the gold bag with the big black diamond that he found on Regina (trigger to end the curse and destroy Storbrooke). He's clueless of course.

Obsessed with finding his father, Greg begins to shock Regina, convinced torturing her will lead to information about his dad. Hook walks out, since he's only into torturing and killing Rumpelstiltskin.
 

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Wendy's parents find out that she's been hiding Baelfire in the nursery. Instead of throwing him to the nearest workhouse, Mrs. Darling adopts him.

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Emma takes her concerns about Tamara to Neil. He can't believe his fiance is a stealer of magic beans AND killer of wooden puppet men. But he goes with Emma anyway because she looks really hot with her hair down.

Wendy shows Baelfire around the nursery and excitedly tells him about the magic shadow that comes to the window sill sometimes. Baelfire grow pale and says magic always comes with a price. He begs her to NEVER open that window. Magic breaks up families.

Or in the right hands can defeat Lord Voldemort, but whatever.

Mary Margaret and David pay Lacey and Mr. Gold a visit. Since he still owes David a favor, Mr. Gold shows then a vial that contains one of Regina's tears. In order for the spell to work, he needs one of Mary Margaret's tears.

How can he expect her to cry on demand? Oh, never mind, she's crying already. Well, that was easy.

Now Mary Margaret can see and feel everything Regina is experiencing.

Remember that okay? SEE and FEEL everything.

Mary Margaret takes the potion, hoping that if she helps Regina this time, some of the light will come back in and make her good again.

Right, because it's happened all the other times Mary Margaret helped her.

Back in the Darling Nursery, Baelfire wakes up and sees Wendy sitting on the window sill, eagerly waiting to be whisked off to a magical land. The shadow comes and takes Wendy away, while Baelfire watches in horror.

Emma and Neil walk on the beach and open up old wounds while they search for clues that will link his fiance to the Mayor's disappearance. Tamara crosses their path in her running gear and Emma feels foolish.

After Tamara leaves to continue her fake run, Neil finally apologizes to Emma for being such a loser and letting her go to jail for him. Plus there's that staying away from her for the next ten years thing, too.

                                                               
 

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Regina tolerates the torture treatment while Greg and Tamara monologue about how evil and dirty magic is and their job is to cleanse the land.

Okaaaay.

Apparently they're not the only ones. They tell Regina there is an army of people who want to rid the world of magic.

Has anyone called Disney?

Mary Margaret is getting shocked by proxy in her apartment. This makes sense because she can FEEL AND SEE everything that's happening to Regina. Mary Margaret tells David she can feel intense pain and that it's cold and smells like sardines.

Dear ABC,

Too bad she can't remember the faces of the people towering over her, staring down at her, explaining their diabolical plan in detail.

Emma is on her cell phone with David when he gives her the super important sardines clue. She and Neil go speedy quick to Storybrooke's cannery.

Hey, they should see Cinderella's guy, Sean! He works at the cannery...or he used to. Where are they, anyway?

                                                                   

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Baelfire is woken by Wendy returning from her trip. She tells him she was away for much longer than one night. At first it was lovely with mermaids and fairies, but when night came all the children started crying and wanted their parents. But the shadow won't let anyone leave Neverland.

Wendy only managed to return because the Shadow doesn't want girls. She begins to shake and cry and tells Baelfire the shadow is coming back the next night for her little brothers.

Dear ABC,

Ew. Yuck. Gross. Extremely uncomfortable twist.

Emma and Neil sneak through the cannery only to end up running into David and Mary Margaret. Tamara can see the others on the monitor and lets Greg know that they're about to be found. He won't leave Regina until she tells him the whereabouts of  his father. After Tamara takes off, Regina buckles and tells Greg his father is dead and buried at their old campsite.

Baelfire helps the Darling children ready the nursery, but locking the window and hiding under the bed don't fool the creepy shadow. When little Michael is about to be taken, Baelfire offers to go in his place.

Greg keeps zapping Regina until she's practically dead. David rushes in and shoots at Greg who easily dodges the bullet and gets away speedy quick. Mary Margaret arrives close behind, looking and sounding full of life.

Dear ABC,

Why isn't she almost dead like Regina?

Emma and Neil block off the exit, ready to catch Greg, but Tamara comes up behind and knocks out Emma. Tamara takes her gun and pulls it on Neil. She uses this time to monologue about evil magic and how the fiance thing is just a cover. Then she shoots him in the chest to prove her point.

Emma jumps Tamara from behind and the two karate fight like it's Charles Angels. Tamara knows she can't beat Emma's hair so she throws down one of the magic beans and escapes while Emma struggles not to get sucked in.

Neil jumps to save her and somehow ends up falling in. Emma has him by the hand and begs him not to let go. Her fingers slip, and they both pledge their love for each other. He tells her she has to stay and take care of Henry so that he doesn't grow up without a parent. He lets go and Emma is alone...again.
 

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Greg frantically digs in the middle of the forest and he uncovers a skeleton.

Back at Mary Margaret's apartment the Blue Fairy performs healing magic on Regina. When she pronounces her as good as new, Emma arrives all wind blow and drops the bomb about Neil.

Baelfire is being dragged through the air by the shadow. He manages to escape by lighting a match. When the shadow drops him, he falls into the ocean below and is picked up by a ship captained by Hook.

As Mary Margaret wipes Regina's brow—just like the last episode, she is terrified to learn that both Tamara and Greg have escaped...with her black diamond (the curse trigger)!!!

Tamara meets Greg in the forest. She shows him the trigger and let's him know that their army of magic haters is ready to proceed with the next step in their diabolical plan. Hint, it deals with a big explosion.

Hey, next week is the finale!

Stuff I Liked About This Episode

#1. Emma finally got proof that Tamara was bad.

#2. We didn't have to see Lacey and Mr. Gold make out.

#3. Emma's navy peacoat.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

#1. Peter Pan is NOT a boy stealing creep!!! Yuck. Ew. Gross.

#2. Shouldn't Hook have recognized Baelfire?

#3. There were no fish in the cannery because there are no fishermen in Storybrooke, so how can the cannery smell like sardines?

Once Upon A Time, Season 2, Episode 18, "Selfless, Brave and True"

Or better title, “Pointless, Dumb, and Obtuse."

 

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August Wayne Booth wakes up beside a beautiful Asian woman to find he's grown a woody wooden leg. But what's more shocking than his international travel is the fact she doesn't see his wood (sorry) only a normal leg. 

David makes a depressed Mary Margaret breakfast in bed, but Emma says he needs to be tougher or she'll never get over her, 'I-killed-Cora-and-now-I'm-super-sad-about-my-blackened-heart' thing.

Mary Margaret gets up on her own and tells David she's going into the woods for some therapy—this makes perfect sense because only good things happen in the woods on this show.

She encourages David to start working in the fields with Tiny and the dwarfs.

Forgot about them, didn't you. They're growing bean stalks so they can return to fairy tale land.

Emma and Henry meet up with Neil to head over to Granny's pub/diner/laundromat for hot chocolate. Neil ruins the happy moment by confessing that:

1. When he went back to New York to get a few more things, he noticed Hook had escaped from the closet Emma had locked him inside.
2. His fiance will be arriving in Storybrooke later that day, but it's okay because she's bringing bagels.

Emma tells him he has to tell her the truth about his 'Baelfire' identity.

August goes to the local hospital in Hong Kong and is told be the Doctor that there is nothing wrong with his leg. August tries to escape and soon has the entire psychiatric staff chasing him. But he's helped by a mysterious man who tells him he knows someone who can help...someone called the Dragon.

Was that dumb luck?

No. Just dumb.

Mary Margaret deals with her grief by pretending to be Katniss Everdeen, and does a little target practice. She hits something in the distance and takes off, worried she may have killed an animal.

Shocking when you take a bow and arrow into the woods.

She finds a derelict trailer and is soon greeted by a sheepish and completely wooden Pinocchio. He can move and speak, but he's a dead ringer for those little people in the muscle relaxant commercial.

He tells her this existence is punishment for what he did to Emma in the past.

Does he mean:

                            1. Leaving Emma in the orphanage?

                            2. Or making Neil disappear so Emma would be sent to prison?

Mary Margaret tells him good things are happening, and that Neil is in Storybrooke. At the mention of Emma's former lover's name, Pinocchio gets all down in the grain and says he will never leave his trailer of purgatory.

“What about your Papa?” Mary Margaret asks him.

Pinocchio sadly shakes his wooden head and makes her promise not to tell anyone, especially Gepetto.

I guess he doesn't know about the black spot on her heart—there's no way she can honor a promise.

Neil, Emma and Henry chat it up with Neil's fiance over bagels. Once Emma and Henry leave, Neil drops the bomb to her about his 'Baelfire' thing. The finance thinks he's really hiding his feelings for Emma and she storms out.

August is led through the backstreets of Hong Kong—I love writing the backstreets of Hong Kong. He has to wait with other people needing help from the Dragon and we see that Neil's fiance is among them.

At Granny's pub/diner/laundromat, Regina introduces herself to Greg.

I wonder if she has any idea that he's a grown-up version of Owen?

He enjoys his apple pie without choking while she smiles and tells him to enjoy his stay in Storybrooke.

Mary Margaret rushes in and tells Gepetto about Pinocchio. He and Emma follow Mary Margaret speedy quick. Neil's finance watches them leave with shifty eyes.

Beware the shifty eyed fiance.

August meets with the mystic Dragon man, who calls him Pinocchio. He promises to help him only if he gives over an invaluable item close to his heart—something that cannot be replaced. August offers his necklace that was made from the string Ghepetto used when he was a puppet. The mystic also asks for a gatrillion dollars.

Emma, Gepetto, and Mary Margaret meet up with the Blue Fairy. She tells them Pinocchio is no longer selfless, brave and true, and therefore he has stayed wooden. She is powerless to help him. Only Pinocchio can set himself on the path of .... blah, blah, blah.

The rules don't matter since there are so many exceptions. Just know that she can't fix him. Remember that—the Blue Fairy said she CANNOT help him.

Back in Hong Kong, August leaves the mystic and winds up drinking beer with Neil's finance. She confesses that she's been diagnosed with cancer and has been travelling the world looking for a miracle cure.

She left a picture of her and her grandmother with the mystic. Her cell phone rings and she leaves the bar to carry on the conversation. August takes this opportunity to steal her purse.

There is a knock on Pinocchio's trailer, and he opens the door to see Neil's fiance looking smug.

Never trust the smug looking fiance.

August returns to the mystic with the cash. He tells him the wood is just a symptom and only he can cure himself. He hands August a potion. August quickly leaves and trips down the stairs. He's about to drink the potion, but he's cornered by Neils' finance. She takes the potion and leaves him crippled in the alley.

Back in his trailer, Pinocchio listens as Neil's finance gives him an ultimatum. She tells him she's not magical, but the potion from the mystic cured her cancer and half is left in her apartment back in New York. He can have it if he promises to leave Storybrooke forever.

He's suspicious of her motives, but she tells him it's none of his business and if he doesn't leave now, his only chance to cure himself will be gone.

Greg arrives in his hotel room and finds Regina waiting for him...with the KEY CHAIN! He demands to know where his father is, but she tells him his father left not long after he did all those years ago.

 

Mary Margaret takes Gepetto back to Pinocchio's trailer. Gepetto finally confesses that Emma didn't go through the magical wardrobe alone, but was sent with Pinocchio. Mary Margaret is upset at first since there was room for her to go with her daughter, but then she forgives him, knowing she would have done the same for her child.

Although, looking back. Mary Margaret should have gone instead of Pinocchio.

When they arrive at the trailer, Pinocchio is long gone and on his way to New York city.

Neil's fiance goes back to the mystic. They talk about magic and other worlds. He knows she's was lying about being sick and that's why she had to steel the potion from August. She confesses she's been looking for magic for a super long time, then she pulls out a taser and kills the mystic before he can turn into a real dragon.

Pinocchio finds the famous picture of Neil's fiance and her grandmother just lying on the front seat of her car.

Was that dumb luck?

No. That was pointless. He already knew she was shady.

He turns the car around and heads back to Storybrooke. He goes to the Sheriff's office, but of course it's empty since David is busy planting beans. Pinocchio calls Emma to warn her about Neil's fiance, but before he can get out her name she shows up. He gives her a long speech about not being selfish anymore and that he's willing to give up becoming a real man, to save Storybrooke from whatever diabolical plan she's cooked up.

She pulls out her lucky taser and gives him a long buzz. He convulses and collapses to the floor.

Um...he's made of wood. You can't shock wood.

Emma, Gepetto, Mary Margaret, Henry, David and Schmexy run back into town to see if Pinocchio's is okay.

I added Schmexy for fun.

Pinocchio stumbles out of the Sheriff's office and uses his dying breath to warn them. Gepetto holds his dead son, weeping over his wooden face. Then Henry reminds us all that he was being brave, truthful and something else. All they need is the Blue Fairy.

Oh, hey! There she is.

She confirms Henry is right and uses magic to turn him into a real boy. Yup, a BOY, not a hot dude who drives a motorcycle anymore.

So, she WAS able to fix him after all. The Blue Fairy is a big fat liar pants.

Emma asks little Pinocchio if he can remember what he was trying to warn them about, but he has no memory.

Neil's finance shows up and finally believes about the fairy tale stuff. She tells him Storybrooke is starting to grow on her. He says, “I'm so lucky to have you.”

In New York, August and Neil talk about how Emma has just made it back to Storybrooke. August promises to send Neil a postcard if she breaks the curse. He zips away on his motorcycle as Neil's soon to be fiance watches with shifty eyes. She bumps into Neil and so starts their courtship.

Emma has a little sit down with Henry and she apologizes for lying to him about his dad. He gives her a big hug and all is well.

Mary Margaret and David have a heart to blackened heart. She confesses that she went to Regina's house and when she ripped out her heart she saw where it had blackened because of what she'd done to Cora.

He hugs her and tells her she doesn't need redemption because she's the best, most awesome chick in the whole kingdom.

Greg answers his door and Neil's fiance is there. They start to make out as if they've been in cahoots this whole time.
 

Stuff I Liked About This Episode.

1. I got to write, 'the backstreets of Hong Kong'.
2. David only had a few lines.
3. We didn't have to watch Mr. Gold kiss anyone.

Stuff I Didn't Like About This Episode

1. The Blue Fairy just shows up.
2. August was in Hong Kong for no reason.
3. Mary Margaret only wore one outfit for the entire episode.