The Bachelor, Season 18, Final Episode, "Hot Dog! There's No Wiener"

eonline.com

For the finale, Juan Pablo's family are flown to St. Lucia to meet the final two contestants. The gang not only includes Carmella, but Juan's cousin, Rodolfo.

Claire is first up and she's practically knitting baby outfits. She tells his family she wants four children and later says to the camera, "I could 1,000 percent see myself a part of Juan Pablo's family forever."

Hmm, one thousand percent? Isn't that impossible.

Nikki, on the other hand is a nervous Nelly. Which is surprising since she's already met the Brady Bunch at Carmella's dance recital.

Something I'm sure she's still confused about.

Juan uses this moment to talk about himself and how honest he is.

Yeah, to a fault.

Juan's mother is also honest, like brutal. She uses the phrase "super hyperactive" and mentions that he can sometimes be very rude.

Lovely.


Then his Dad takes Nikki aside, explaining that Juan Pablo isn't the easiest guy to live with. "He thinks he knows the truth in everything."

Um, great parenting job.

But we're not done yet! Rodolfo tells her, "Juan Pablo's a really great guy, but when things are getting rough, he'll walk away from the relationship."

Right. How did this guy get chosen again? Oh, right he auditioned for The Bachelorette. What if Desiree had chosen him?

Juan Pablo needs one last make out session date with each contestant to see who deserves to be the big winner.

Because this show is so ridiculous I feel completely justified in using the term 'winner.'

Claire tells the camera that while she and Juan were in the helicopter he told her something that "that no woman wants to hear."

No return policy?

Actually, she hints that it was insulting, offensive, and just made her feel awful. Then she adds, "Maybe he's not the man that I thought he was."

Newsflash, it's only been a month. You don't know him at all. Unless you count that time you went swimming after midnight...

But Claire decides this date should be used for super serious stuff. She tells him she wants their relationship to be more than physical.

He strokes her leg and says, "I like what I have seen during the entire adventure."

Gag.

Claire then says, "That's the kind of stuff I want to hear. I want to hear about more than like, 'I like kissing you, I like kissing you.'"

I guess Clare is over his helicopter faux pas. She begins to gush about the possibility of a BIG RING.

Why? Because she's going to be the winner, that's why.

Nikki takes a different approach. She says, "I'm in love with this guy. I want forever with him." So she decides to write him a love letter.

Who is she kidding? If she really wants to win this thing, she'll send him photos of herself in a bikini.

Anyway, the date ends with Nikki crying on the couch.

Claire arrives at the kiss and cry podium dressed like the girl who holds the large check for a lottery winner. She holds his hand and gazes into his eyes.

He says, "I appreciate you being here and trusting me all along, but I have to say goodbye to you."

Cue the wrath of hell.

"I saved this moment for the man of my dreams and I thought that was you and I thought I knew what kind of man you were," she says.

Juan Pablo decides to let Claire in on a little secret and wants to tell her the exact, precise moment he knew she wasn't going to be the winner.

My nerves. I have seen it all.

Claire grows a backbone. "It doesn't matter to me," she tells him. "I lost respect for you. I would never want my children having a father like you."

After she and her 'off the shoulder teal gown' depart, Juan gives us this pearl of commentary, "Whew. I'm glad I didn't pick her."

Dear ABC,

Maybe next time interview the Bachelor's parents about what kind of guy he is before signing him up for the show.

Nikki is next in a deep blue gown with a high slit, but there's no guarantee he'll pop the question.

Why? See earlier remarks by Juan's family members.

Nikki tells Juan that he is an amazing person and that she's waited a long time for this moment. "I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I love you."

He replies, "Just know that I love so many things about you."

But not actually you as a whole person like thing.

Juan finds a loop hole and tells Nikki that he promised her father that he would only propose if he was absolutely sure about it. Then he hits us with this slice of mathematical genius.

"I'm not one hundred percent sure that I want to propose to you. At the same time, I'm one hundred percent sure that I just don't want to let you go."

Then he adds, "I like you a lot...a lot."And he offers her a rose. Yup. Just a rose.

And she takes it.

 

                                                                           eonline.com

This is followed by the live "After The Final Rose" show, but to tell you the truth I turned off the TV.

You see, I'm one hundred, no, one thousand percent sure I don't need to see or hear about these wackos anymore.

No big winner. Unless you count the viewers, since this season is finally over.

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 9 "Overnight, Overcome, and Overboard."

huffingtonpost.com

 

Saint Lucia is the tropical setting for the three overnight dates.

 

Let me take a moment to gag.

Juan Pablo says, “This week is pretty important because in a week I will be proposing to someone.”

Someone?

He also says he's looking forward to getting to know the girls better without the cameras.

Uh-huh.

Claire is up first. She wastes no time telling us she's ready to be happy and to be in love.

And I'm ready for this show to be over.

Claire and Juan Pablo spend some quality cuddle time on a yacht. She says she's falling in love and tonight will be the perfect time to tell him. But at the same time it's scary because having all that happiness in front of her, blah, blah, blah...

She'd be saying the same thing about any other guy picked for the show. 

They have dinner which consists of drinks, candles, and pillows. Claire does a lot of lip puckering and hair flipping.

 

Juan Pablo offers the key to his fantasy suite. She mentions how he got upset about their 'midnight swimming' in Vietnam and how he wants to be a role model for his daughter. So how is this different than that moment?

“Well,” he begins, “This is different because there will be no cameras.”

She buys it hook line and sinker. Then she adds this little gem, “From the day he blindfolded me in the car and told me to trust him, I've been falling in love with Juan Pablo.”

And that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is why freaks and weirdos try out for the show.

They go to the fantasy suite where there are more candles and more pillows and more drinks. He tells her she's cute and steals a few kisses. Then he runs his fingers through her hair and asks, “What are you thinking?”

Which we all know is his way of asking the girls if they love him. Because making out with multiple chicks all over the world isn't enough. 

The soft piano music begins and it takes Claire a nauseatingly long time to choke out the words, “I love you.” 

They go in the hot tub and now the background music is soft Latin guitar. 

Hey, I thought they promised no cameras in the fantasy suite. No more footage!!! 

The next morning Juan says, “My sleepover with Claire was great, but today I have my overnight date with Andi. I like her so much.”

Andi is excited because she got her firearms through customs without too much hassle. 

They visit a market place, play steal drums, and have a picnic with a bunch of kids who have no idea who these ridiculous white people are.

Andi says, “I really want a man who I can travel with and enter villages and know we'll always be okay.”

What does that mean?

Juan takes Andi to another waterfall.

 

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Again? Didn't we do this a few episodes ago?

She asks him what her family said during the hometown date. He says, “Your mom was the easiest.”

...all night long. *snort*

Whatever, she thinks he's awesome. They make out under the waterfall...again. I hit fast forward...again.

They have dinner on a couch and Juan takes this time to ask her if she's fallen in love with him yet. He lets her know he's not into forcing things.

Exactly, Juan, because this show is nothing but natural circumstances.

Andi says she wants to over-think it instead of under-think it because there's a child involved.

Nothing she says makes sense. Is it just me? 

I miss Sharleen and Renee. I'm happy they're not on this show anymore, but I miss the conversations of normal people. 

Here's another quote from Andi, “You know Carmella, and I don't know Carmella, but you know parts of me and you know...sometimes I wonder what you think.”

He pulls out the key to the fantasy suite. “That's why it's good for us to have an overnight so we can talk about those things.”

Smoooooth.  

Of course she agrees. 

In the fantasy suite they sit on the same couch and drink the same wine he and Claire shared the night before. I think Claire's lipstick is still on one of the glasses.  

Juan wakes up super happy from his sleepover with Andi. “We frickin' laughed and talked for hours. She could be the one.”

Andi tells the camera that she thought the night was a disaster. She couldn't wait to get out of the fantasy suite in the morning. 

“Every time I started to talk about my feelings or my past he started to talk about himself,” she tells us. “He doesn't care about me. I don't like the side I saw. Then he told me about his overnight with Claire. Why did he even tell me? He has no filter. It's wrong. I can't be with a guy who loves himself more than me. It sucks that it took this long to figure it out.”

She cries because she's wasted her time being jetted around the world to exotic locations making out with this stranger.

I don't want to be the one who told you so, but remember when you didn't want to pose nude, but he convinced you it was a good idea?

 

Sorry.

Who knew? The show is ALWAYS successful at finding true love.

Juan changes into another tank top and lets us know he's excited to see Nikki. He also told us he enjoyed seeing Claire in her bikini all day. 

Nikki arrives in an outfit that can only be described as a Pocahontas bikini top and Austen Power pants. She likes Juan because their relationship is based on honesty. 

He says Nikki is so sexy.

They ride horses and frolic by the ocean. She hopes to tell him she loves him tonight. 

The evening portion of the date consists of them hanging out on the couch with him running his fingers through her hair saying, “What are you thinking?” But she stays quiet because she is so overcome with emotion.

Then he hands her the key to the fantasy suite.

This is so ridiculous.

Nikki takes the key and starts kissing him.

They go to the couch and start to make out again. She pauses and he says, “What are you thinking?”

I'm thinking I'm an idiot for watching this show.

Nikki finally says she loves him. Juan replies with, “You like me. I like you.” And then they make out while romantic synthesizer music plays in the background. 

Juan tells us, “I love kissing Nikki and I can't wait to let her see the real me.”

Whhhaaa?

The next morning Juan puts on a shirt with sleeves and buttons and meets up with the host to provide some footage for this pathetic episode. Juan says, “I feel good. I feel good about these women that I have.”

Juan has no idea what he's going to do at the rose ceremony so he looks at the videos the girls have made for him. 

Nikki's best quote from her video. “Our date last night was awesome.”

Claire's best quote. “You met my family and that was so important because that's my life. That's me.”

Andi arrives to speak with him in person. She lets him know she's not into him and will be leaving on the next plane.

 

                                                                       thebachelor2014

 

Juan says, “It's okay.”

This was the wrong response. Andi says, “It's not okay. It bothers me to hear you say that.”

“I can't force you to feel something. You're here because I like you since the second week.”

“But it shouldn't be okay. The fact you say it's okay makes me think you never had strong feelings for me.”

“Andi, English is my second language. What do you want me to do? Will I die? No. Am I sad? Yes.”

But Andi wants to make Juan cry or bleed or something...and she keeps nattering him. Personally, I think she went a little overboard on the whole 'okay' thing.

Weird that a lawyer would encourage an argument.

If she doesn't want to be with him anymore, why is she still sitting in her lace shorts arguing with him? But apparently Andi doesn't have a flight booked because there's loads of time to squabble.

Juan tells her, “To me it was a perfect date. If you wanted to talk about serious things, you could have told me then. I want you to be honest.”

 

Juan gives her a few crooked smiles and brushes the hair off her face. 

Andi is so mad because she didn't win the argument, and he's not that upset to see her go. 

He tells the camera, “She's a lawyer. I'm not going to argue with a lawyer.”

Juan walks away and gazes at the mountains. Andi monologues in the limo and starts to cry. “Am I ever going to find love?”

 

Meanwhile, Claire and Nikki are forced to stand beside each other for the rose ceremony. The host arrives and tells the girls that Andi is no longer a contestant. Juan Pablo comes out and tells them Andi chose to go home because her feelings weren't strong enough.

Nikki and Claire are stunned but excited since they got a free pass to the Showcase Showdown or whatever the final found is called.

Next week is the reunion show where the women tell all. I'm dreading it already.

 

Juant more episode recaps?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4 "K-pop, Karaoke, and Kissing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 5 "Making Out, Freaking Out, and Backing Out"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 6 "Geysers, Good-byes, and Gagging"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 7 "Reality Bites, Miami Nights, and Cat Fights"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 8 "Bull Riding, Bullseyes, and Bullying Big Sisters"

 

 

 

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 8 "Bull Riding, Bullseyes, and Bullying Big Sisters"

realityrewind.com

There are only four contestants left; Nikki, Andi, Renee, and Claire. And you know what that means? It's the home town date episode!

The first stop is a visit to Kansas City, Nikki's hometown. She takes him to the best BBQ restaurant in town. Yee Haw! And if that wasn't enough fun, she introduces him to mechanical bull riding.

“He made me dance in Korea, so this is pay back.”

Juan does great and she orders them a couple of beers. Nikki tells us she's ready to say the big 'L' word, but for some reason she doesn't feel it's the right time.

Maybe it's the mechanical bull giving you the stinky eye.

Nikki brings Juan Pablo to meet her family. She and her mom hug and cry while Juan Pablo shakes hands with everyone. They sit down and Nikki's dad welcomes Juan to the family.

That was easy.

Nikki's mom is totally on board. Her dad smiles and plays twenty questions with Juan. Nikki's parents trust her and if she wants Juan, they will welcome him into the family.

Duh, you already did.

There's a lot of talk about trust and love and support between Nikki and her parents. The piano plays softly in the background.

Nikki's family seem nice and well grounded. What the heck is she doing on the show?

She cuddles with Juan on the front porch. This would be a good time to say, “I love you, Juan.” Instead she says this, “Okay, good bye.”

She's not sure why she can't say it.

I do. It's because you're sending him to visit another girl he might propose to.

Next stop is Andi's home in Atlanta.

Juan says, “Andi is just...mmm.”

Before she takes him to meet her family, Andi and Juan hit the shooting range.

I won't lie. It was a bit disturbing seeing how accurate Andi was with that assault rifle. She tells us there is no way she can take him home to meet her family if he doesn't get a bulls eye.

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Oh dear.

I'm pretty sure Sharleen wouldn't have taken him to a shooting range.

Juan thinks it was a good idea. “Andi was so relaxed after shooting those guns.”

Andi lets us know her family will hold no punches and she's worried.

I'd be worried how many guns were in the house.

On the door is a sign with “Welcome Home Pookie!”

Andi tells us she's almost in love and her family will tip her in the right direction. Andi's dad makes it clear he's not excited to hear about all the dates with all the other girls.

He tells the camera, “They're infatuated with each other, but he's got three other girls in the same position.”

Andi's dad is the staring role of the voice of reason.

Patty, Andi's mom, does the first interview with Juan. He's a little worried until she asks him for a dance lesson. They salsa and have a good time, until 'the voice of reason' shows up with a few questions.

Andi's dad asks the one million dollar question. “What made you go on this show?”

Juan tap dances around that...sort of.

He tells Juan he can't give his blessing until Juan says Andi is the only girl for him. Andi tells her sister she's really into Juan and is close to falling in love. Her sister says she doesn't think Andi is punch drunk love.

Andi is bummed because no one can tell her that she should fall in love with Juan Pablo.

Ding dong. This is common sense calling. If you can't convince yourself you're in love, other people can't do it for you.

Andi tells us, “I think I felt something different tonight. I think I could be falling in love.”

I think you're feeling the beginning stages of herpes.

Sarasota, Florida is Renee's home. She hasn't seen her son, Ben, for two months.

Hold on. She meets with Juan first BEFORE she sees her son. That's stupid.

She waits for Ben at the ball field. When he arrives in his little league uniform, Renee pulls him in to a hug and I get a little weepy. That is until I realize he has to do this reunion with his mom while Juan stands there watching beside a camera man. 

Juan does his best small talk. Then he and Renee take to the stands. I'm sure Ben is loving having his mom and her TV boyfriend hang out in front of his teammates.

On a side note, the coach looked pretty cute. So if things don't work out with Juan...

Juan gets excited about all the sporty stuff he could do with a son.

Um...hello. Your daughter could play baseball too. *grumbles*

All three arrive at Renee's parents. Renee spends time catching up with Ben while her family interviews Juan.

Renee lets her mom know she's in LOVE with him. Her mom is happy she's sure about this dude, and her father says he hasn't seen her glow like this for a long time.

While the car patiently waits, Juan asks Renee what she's thinking. She says, “I'm thinking about a lot of things.”

Poor Juan, no one can say, 'I love you.'

When he drives away, she regrets not telling him.

Sacramento is up next!

“I'm so excited to be here,” Juan says. “When I'm with Claire I always have a good time.”

They hang out in Claire's favourite park. He says he's looking forward to meeting her family so he can see why she is the way she is.

True, dat.

Claire shares how she and her late dad talked about her wedding. She said when he died the emotional part of her shut down so she wouldn't feel pain anymore.

Juan meets Claire's five older sisters and her mother. I think there was a brother-in-law in the mix somewhere.

Her wisest sister takes her aside. Claire starts to cry and says she hasn't been in love since her father died and if Juan Pablo asked her to marry him, she'd say yes in a heart beat.

Juan talks with the other sisters and they are worried about Claire's 'tender heart'.

Claire's other sister, who is probably the most jealous or at least the most fed up with having to deal with a spoiled sister who cries all the time, asks how hurt she will be if Juan doesn't choose her. Plus, she doesn't think the family can give their blessing when neither one of them have said I love you.

Claire's mother stays quiet while the two sisters squabble. Claire cries and says all she wants is for them to be happy for her. The sister says, “I don't think you're respecting Mama.”

There is more bickering and I can't figure out which sister is more crazy.

Can you imagine what the house was like with these girls growing up?

Juan finally gets to talk with 'Mama'. They have a nice chat and she tells him he'd be welcome into their family.

It's time for the rose ceremony.

The girls arrive in their stilettos and push up bras. Claire and Nikki have another five minutes of not talking.

The Host comes out and says words like; gravity, emotional, turmoil, decision...

Juan Pablo thanks the girls for sharing their amazing families with him. He gives Nikki the first rose. Claire gets the second.

Now it's down to Andi and Renee.

The stupid host comes out and reminds everyone there's only one rose left.

Andi gets the last rose.

Juan can't look at Renee without crying. He walks her to the limo and Claire licks her lips. Renee finally tells him she was falling in love with him. But she's happy because this ridiculous adventure has opened her eyes to what she could have.

Juan is weepy and says he has such great respect for her.

Renee leaves in the limo. She wipes away one tear and composes herself. “He obviously shared more meaningful moments with the other girls. I came here to see if I could find love, and I did. I'm very thankful.”

Dear Renee,

You handled that like a champ. I hope you date the little league coach.
  

Oh my nerves! Another episode tomorrow night! ABC is promising a 'shocking' development. I'm predicting disappointment in the lack of shock.

Juant more episode recaps?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4 "K-pop, Karaoke, and Kissing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 5 "Making Out, Freaking Out, and Backing Out"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 6 "Geysers, Good-byes, and Gagging"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 7 "Reality Bites, Miami Nights, and Cat Fights"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 7 "Reality Bites, Miami Nights, and Cat Fights"

There are six contestants left. Juan Pablo and the girls return to the States. They take up residence in a swanky suite in downtown Miami.

Juan reunites with his family. He tells his cousin that he thinks Sharleen is the one.

       ibtimes.com

Meanwhile, Sharleen tells the camera that she feels the enormity of how serious things are getting and she's still not sure.

Juan arrives at the suite and invites Sharleen for the first one on one date.

Claire is confused. “Why her?”

Dear Claire,

Juan Pablo thinks Sharleen is elegant. He said you were hot, though.

Juan Pablo takes her on a yacht.

Sharleen says he's not her usual type, but she's definitely attracted to him. “The chemistry is magnetic.”

They have drinks on a beach and they talk about her career as an Opera singer. She says, “I've put my singing before everything for so long, but now I'm ready to let other things take priority.”

Juan Pablo tells us, “From the very first day, I like her.”

They go back on the yacht for an evening cruise. She tells us her heart's all a flutter. HOWEVER, even though being with him feels right, there's a little voice in her head that says it's not right.

Dear Sharleen,

Sorry, that's me. You're too normal to be on this show.

When Sharleen returns to the suite, she seeks out Renee, the resident psychologist. Renee tells her that you can't determine how much you love someone by how much time you spend together, and that she should stick around and see what happens.

Dear Renee,

You're awesome.

Juan Pablo chooses Nikki for the next date. And he takes her to his daughter's dance recital.

Sure, that shouldn't give the kid mixed signals at all.

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Nikki is so happy she's about to throw up. “It's not every day you meet your boyfriend's parents, or his daughter, or his daughter's mother.”

Nope.

We get to see Carmella dance and sing, and we also see Carmella's very hot mother. Every one is all smiles and hugs.

I can't wait for Claire to hear about this!!!

For the evening portion of their date, he takes Nikki to the Marlin's stadium. She's wearing a halter top that looks two sizes too big. They play catch and I'm sure a boobie might pop out by mistake.

They do some kissing and talk about family.

Back at the suite Sharleen tells the other girls she can't take the guilt of staying if she's not sure.

They give her hugs, except for Claire who's busy calling the travel agent to book a flight for her.

Sharleen says, “It's taking all of my willpower to do this thing. I'm aware that I may be making a huge mistake.”

She goes to Juan Pablo's room. “I don't want to take the spot of someone else who is already at that place where they know for sure they want to marry you.”

He holds her while she cries and tells her not to feel sorry for her feelings. She leaves for the airport and Juan Pablo cries to the camera—she was going to get a home town rose.

Dear Juan,

Reality bites, doesn't it?

Sharleen leaves in a cab, weepy but somewhat relieved.

Let be a lesson, girls. If you're normal, do not sign up for the show.

The sun comes up the next morning. Claire is super bouncy on the group date. He's taking the girls to a private beach. Whoever gets the date rose, gets to ...um I don't know, I wasn't listening to the rules that closely.

Chelsea reads him notes that her family sent with her so she wouldn't get so homesick.

Andi gets weepy because she's tapping into emotions that she usually keeps under lock and key. Juan tells her not to worry.

 

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Dear Juan,

It was more fun when the girls were more interested in kissing rather than crying, right?

Claire tells him she's the youngest of six girls. And that her family is the most important thing to her. She talks about how her father made a video for her future husband—a video she's never seen. Juan Pablo nods his head and asks if they can kiss.

It starts to rain. Juan gives the rose to Andi.

This means Juan Pablo has chosen to meet her family and that the group date is over and he'll have the rest of the evening date with Andi.

                                                                           wetpaint.com

Claire says to the camera, “What the f*#k am I doing here?”

Dear Claire,

Why did it take you this long?

He takes Andi downtown where they go to a Latin dance club. Juan Pablo can dance. Andi can't. He says, “She smart and sexy.”

Yeah, but not Sharleen.

Back at the suite, Claire and Nikki have the most awkward fight. Neither of them finish a sentence. They say 'like' and 'sh*t' a hundred times. It's stupid.

*Hits fast forward*

Now it's the rose ceremony.

Nikki says, “I just want to be done with this.”

Girl, you took the words right out of my mouth.

ABC wasted the next eight minutes showing Nikki and Claire NOT talking to each other.

The Host gives a speech I fast forward through, then Juan Pablo comes to address the contestants. I fast forward through that as well.

The first rose goes to Nikki, followed by Claire, and the last rose goes to...Renee.

Chelsea is going home.

Juan Pablo gets teary eyed.

I know. You wished Sharleen hadn't left.

Don't cry Chelsea. Don't cry. Don't cry.

Damn it.

She wipes her tears in the back of the limo and says, “It was great to see him so upset.”

And that my friends, is true love.

 
Juant more episode recaps?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4 "K-pop, Karaoke, and Kissing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 5 "Making Out, Freaking Out, and Backing Out"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 6 "Geysers, Good-byes, and Gagging"

The Bachelor Season 18, Episode 5 "Making Out, Freaking Out, and Backing Out."

Juan Pablo may be charming the ladies on the show, but he's no Tom Branson. Just sayin...

Another single father looking for love in Downton Abbey.
www.tumblr.com

The remaining eleven contestants are whisked off from South Korea to Vietnam.

Juan tells us he's excited to take things to the next level.

Oh my nerves. When they start talking about 'the next level' you know someone will end up crying.

Kat says, “Korea was beautiful, but this is like...trees, flowers and nature.”

She should work for Hallmark.

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The girls freak out at the super fantastic luxury apartment.

Nikki lets us know she wants a one on one so bad. Remember how much crying she did last episode?

Renee gets to go on the solo date. She said it would be perfect if they finally kiss.

This should be interesting. I feel like he's kept her around because she's so good at consoling the other girls.

They go to a market place and it's so humid they're both sweating through their shirts. He takes her to a shop where they custom tailor a dress for her.

Then they stroll along, sample food, shop, take selfies, and talk about their kids. It's casual...maybe too casual.

Let's fast forward to the evening portion of the date. Renee shows up in her custom designed dress.

Juan tells us, “She looks good in that dress.”

Good...not amazing. Interesting.

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Renee loves the romantic setting of the restaurant. Juan keeps her talking about her son, Ben.

He says, “She's a good mom. Maybe there is something here.”

Renee keeps leaning in, but he only brushes the hair off her face.

However, he gives her a date rose and a kiss...on the cheek.

They put lighted lanterns in the water and make wishes. Renee wishes for a kiss. Juan explains to us that he's not going to kiss Renee because he respects the fact she has a son at home.

So does Cassandra, but he kissed her!

The group date begins with the girls partnering up to go rowing in circular bamboo rafts. Claire gets the boat with Juan Pablo. He gives her a kiss the first time they get stuck in the vines.

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I guess he forgot Sean's rule about not making out in front of the other girls.

They come ashore spend time at a family garden.

Andi is totally bummed at being on a group date. She takes Juan Pablo aside to whine voice her concerns. He tells her, “I want you to be here. Trust me.”

She buys it.

During lunch, Claire spends a lot of time eating one piece of rice at a time. The waiter even asks if she was going to eat anything.

The sun goes down and that means only one thing—drinks and tears. He takes Claire first for some 'one on one' time and the other girls feel like they're on Claire and Juan's private date.

She tells us, “I'm not just here on a world tour. I'm here for him.”

Juan takes her to his suite because he wants to show her how special she is to him. They make out in the pool.

He takes Sharleen for a walk on the beach. She tells us, “It's hard to go from feeling special and singled out to a random face in the crowd. I need to understand that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”

Hey, nothing wrong with brown bears.

She had a series of questions for him, but once they start kissing she forgets what she wants to ask him.

One by one Juan Pablo takes the girls away. Andi starts to feel doubtful again, but Juan takes her for a walk. They sit on the beach, watch the waves and make out.

Who will get the date rose?

Juan tells the girls he had great conversations with them all. Claire gets the date rose for “doing things out of her comfort zone.”

What? Eating?

Claire tells us she really wants to swim in the ocean. It's four in the morning so she calls on Juan Pablo. He's ready in two seconds. They make out in the waves.

Hello. Undertow.

                                                                            haveuheard.com

 

Claire decides to really get out of her comfort zone and her bikini. She tells the camera, “Total bliss. You know when a baby giraffe is born with those wobbly legs? That's how it feels.”

Things that make you go, hmm.

Nikki gets ready for her date. She decides to wear a silver headband.

Juan says, “Last night I had a great night with Claire. She's sexy and she's got something that I like. But today I'm ready for Nikki. She's so smart and sexy too. I have feelings for both of them so its hard.”

Hard? *Giggles*

He takes her to a temple and they talk about how excited how excited they are to be with each other. Then he breaks the news they'll be repelling down a bottomless chasm.

What about swimming in the ocean? Maybe some pizza and a movie?

                                                                           thebachelor2014.com

Nikki fights the tears and says she's willing to take risks for love. Then she starts to panic and can't stop shaking.

I'm having flashbacks to Chelsie's bungee jump.

It takes them a hundred years to reach the bottom. Juan lets her rest for a bit and gives her some kissing therapy.

What magic does this dude have in his spit?

Nikki reaches the bottom and gets more kissing as reward. They escape and have dinner in a much nicer cave with candles and huge wine glasses.

They talk about faults and she teaches him how to pronounce pediatrics. She says she likes the innocence of kids—plus she has a huge heart and is super compassionate.

In case you're wondering, I'm a fabulous dancer and I make a mean meatloaf.

Juan tells her, “I like Nikki.” And he gives her the date rose.

In case you're wondering, I like maple syrup.

Nikki tells us, “I feel electrified. Like I stuck my finger in a light socket.”

I feel nauseous. Like I ate too much pizza.

The pre-rose cocktail party is decorated with lanterns. The girls are decorated in tight dresses and stilettos. Claire says she's ready to get out of her comfort zone.

Again?

Juan arrives and lets the girls know three of them will be going home tonight. He plants himself beside Claire and she gives the toast. “Here's to finding love and making love.”

Juan tells us, “What am I going to do? I love these girls. It's so hard.”

Hard. *Giggles*

Renee finally gets her kiss. Yay! I think church bells rang in the distance.

Juan monologues to the camera that he regrets what happened with Claire the 'other night.'

He asks her if anyone else knows. She says no. Juan tells her it probably wasn't right but it already happened. So, yeah...

????

Claire gets weepy and tries to explain her motivation for 'the other night.'

He tells her he wants to be fair to the other girls.

Sounds like somebody has some regrets. Sounds like somebody is trying to back out of something.

But she says it's all about how your heart feels. He says he doesn't want his daughter to see what happened.

Well, then maybe you shouldn't have gone into the water, Dummy.

Claire does her best pout. “I feel stupid and embarrassed.”

He says, “I just want you to know what I'm thinking.”

Claire cries to the camera, “I really try to follow my heart. I only have the best intentions. I didn't want to disrespect his daughter.”

She leaves the party and threatens to 'crawl back in her shell'. Juan follows her.

Dummy.

I can't handle this anymore. *Hits fast forward*

The girls are wondering what all the drama is about. I predict this will be the main topic during the 'girls tell all' episode.

It's time for the rose ceremony.

The Host brings up the fact the mood got tense but that's good because it means they're emotionally invested...it's also good for ratings.

Sharleen gets the first rose, followed by Cassandra, Chelsie (go science), and Kat.

The last rose goes to...Andi.

Going home are Danielle, Kelly, and Alli. To be honest, I can't remember Alli. And Danielle seems to normal to be on the show anyway. I suspect she's was doing research as a psychiatric nurse.

Juan cries while he hugs them good-bye.

Danielle realizes there wasn't a strong connection and she said it was hard to see him cry.

Alli pulls it together and lets us know Juan is special and deserves good love.

Oh, don't worry, Alli, he has.

Still Juant more bachelor recaps?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4 "K-pop, Karaoke, and Kissing"

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 4, "Karaoke, K-pop, and Kissing"

sidereel.com

There are thirteen girls left. And their prize for making it this far is a free trip to Seoul, South Korea! The girls squeal because they're so excited to finally visit Seoul.

I'm pretty sure twelve of them couldn't find it on a map.

They land in Seoul and run down the streets full of giddy adventure. They lay about the posh hotel, but soon tears are falling when the group date card is read out loud.

Nikki is bummed to be going on another group date.

But, but...you're in Seoul!

Juan takes the girls dancing at a K-Pop studio with 2NE1. Yes, the 2NE1. He says the girl who can dance is the girl who can steal his heart.

The girls show off their 'skills.' Kat works it like a pole dancer.

2NE1 tries to give them some choreography. Kat is practically bouncing out of her leotard. Nikki has less moves than a white dude on crutches. And Kat's over the top jazz hands make her want to stick needles in her eye.

When they learn they'll be joining 2NE1 on stage that night, Nikki looks like she's ready to curl into the fetal position.

The girls get dolled up in make-up and wardrobe. They enter the foyer of the mega mall with five floors packed with screaming fans. 2NE1 comes on stage and invite the girls to join them as their backup dancers.

Nikki doesn't fall. Kat tells us, “I'm a K-Pop star!”

The evening portion of the date begins.

I'm guessing they're going to a have a restaurant to themselves that only serves booze.

Kat gets alone time with Juan first. Nikki suggests to the other girls how much they should dislike Kat because she has awesome dance moves and they don't. Danielle, the psychiatric nurse, listens patiently, secretly gathering material for her next case study.

When Nikki gets Juan alone she talks about how she's much better at changing diapers than dancing.

Nikki gets the date rose. And they finally kiss.

Elise says, “Yuck, I would never let her around my child.”

But she changes diapers really fast.

Sharleen gets chosen for the solo date. She tells us she's still not sure if Juan is the man she wants to marry.

She sounds so normal every time she speaks. Why is she even on this show?

They go through the marketplace and sample food and do some shopping. She tells us she is pleasantly surprised that he's so interesting and worldly. He asks her to sing for him. She says she never sings for a guy this early in a relationship.

She asks him to close his eyes, then lets it rip.

My eye glasses shatter.

It works. He's enamoured. They make out.

She tells us, “I like Juan Pablo. We could make a go of it.”

They discuss their experiences about moving to different countries when they were young. She tells him she once dated someone who had a daughter and she was conflicted because she knew she'd never have that first with him. He says, “Exactly! I appreciate your honesty.”

She gets the date rose.

For the next group date, Juan takes the girls to a karaoke bar. Then they peruse the marketplace, go on paddle boats, and get pedicures with little fish nibbling on their dead skin. Claire chomps on her gum, doing whatever she can to get Juan's attention.

We move onto the evening portion which I'm guessing will include bitching, back stabbing and boozing.

Juan is determined not to kiss any of the girls tonight, even after Renee asks him.

Awkward.

Claire interrogates each of the girls when they return from their one on one time.

Lauren, the music composer chick, who I can't believe is still on the show, asks for a kiss and when he turns her down, she cries.

Claire uses her one on one time with Juan Pablo to tell him how when she ate the octopus, she threw up in her mouth and then swallowed it back down.

And what does he do with this information?

He kisses her.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Andi gets the date rose.

The girls gather for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party.

FYI, stilettos and ancient temples don't mix.

Claire tells Juan Pablo, “Just being here...?” Then she shakes her head, “has been like more than I would have ever expected. Yeah.”

Hmm. She should work for Hallmark.

Nikki interrupts their alone time, even though she already has a rose.

How selfish!

Claire is so upset she almost eats octopus by mistake.

It's time for the rose ceremony.

Renee gets the first rose, followed by Chelsea, Kelly 'the dog lover', Danielle, Cassandra...yada, yada, yada...

Going home are Lauren, the music composer, and Elise.

Elise says, “This sucks. Who knows what's in store now?”

A twelve hour flight back home, that's what.

Lauren reflects she probably shouldn't have cried when he didn't kiss her. And then she starts to cry.

Dear girls,

Dry your tears. The sun will come out again. And don't sign up for any more reality shows. 

Juant more?

The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 1 "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 2 "Boobs, Blindfolds, and Bathroom Breakdowns"
The Bachelor, Season 18, Episode 3 "Splashing, Soccer, and Poolside Sobbing"

 

Congratulations! You made it to the end of the post. As your reward, enjoy this Duran Duran hit from the 80's.