Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 17 "Best Laid Plans"

Or better title "Kidnapping, Storybrooke Style"

What kind of drugs have the writers been taking?

Snow White and Charming are narcissistic baby-snatchers? And The Author is finally revealed to be... (prepare for disappointment).

Omen for The Charmings

abc.com

A pregnant Snow and Charming sprint through the forest landscape wearing way too much fur for such activity. They stumble upon a unicorn with a double-fisted horn. At once, both parents have visions of their child to be.

Mental Note: Unicorn horns are magical ultrasounds

Charming sees an adorable toddler version of Emma, but Snow is greeted by a teen full of angst and hormons and stuff. Immediately Snow thinks her unborn baby is evil.

abc.com

Ex-squeeze me?  Snow's step-mother is the Evil Queen. Shouldn't a mass murdering tyrant be the measuring stick. Just because teen Emma is moody and bad tempered that makes her evil?

Race To Find The Author

abc.com

Back in Storybrooke, things get stupid. Regina and Emma are puzzling over a picture of a door in the storybook. August goes unconscious or whatever and Henry suggests they take him to the Blue Fairy.

Um...remember last time the Blue Fairy helped August? She turned him back unto an eight year old boy. I don't think this woman knows any other spell.

Meanwhile, Hook catches up to the Charmings and passes along the warning Ursula told him about Mr. Gold's super sneaky evil plan to turn Emma's evil as well.

Mwahahahaha.

Emma merely shrugged because she was only in jail for like a year or something and now she's totally reformed. Then she and Hook hug while David and Mary Margaret whisper awkwardly in the corner. "OMG! She said the 'e' word! Our secret will be out!"

abc.com

Bored with this lot, Regina spends some more time with a much cooler crowd, Cruella and Malificent. They have a phone shot of the illustration of the magical door that apparently The Author is hiding behind.

How do we know this? Mr. Gold takes less than two seconds to deduct. "This page is magicked and he is trapped inside.”

What's the next step? A curse of course. One that's disguised as purple fog because no one in Storybrooke will be expecting that. It's a sleeping curse and soon everyone is knocked out.

While Storybrooke snoozes, the only people unaffected are those who have natural immunity...I guess. So Mary Margaret, David, Henry, and presumably Aurora (wherever she is) are running around town. Henry tells them he took the page with the mysterious door that the Author is trapped behind to the mysterious manor.

Because his plans always work, David decides he and Mary Margaret should use this opportunity to destroy the page to keep their dark secret from getting out.

While Cruella and Maleficent are searching for the page, Mr. Gold pays a visit to his shop to stare at an unconscious Belle.

Creep-factor!!!

Malificent gives him a judging stare, but Mr. Gold is a whiny pants and for some reason the women with all the power still do whatever he says, even though Urusula proved last episode that she can create her own happy ending without The Author.

Babies Gone Bad

Back in Fairy Tale Land, we learn that Maleficent had laid an egg while in her dragon form.

Um...wtf?

Also, Charming has taken to carrying a flask of booze with him. Remember his dad's issue? Anyway, while on the road, he and Snow encounter a peddler who gives them directions to the Sorcerer's Apprentice. I guess Snow is super concerned about having an evil teenager.

Newsflash, it's called puberty.

Snow and Charming listen as the Sorcerer's Apprentice explain that their unborn baby could grow up to be good or evil. But instead of taking parenting classes to assure they raise the baby to treat others with respect and basically be a decent human being, Snow and Charming take him up on his offer to suck all the evil out of Snow’s womb and put it in another living vessel.

Hmm...where can they find another living vessel?

Snow rationalizes that since Maleficent is evil, her 'dragon egg baby thing' will also be evil, so what's wrong with giving it a bit more evil? Charming goes along with this and they're soon breaking into Malificent's castle and snatch her baby dragon egg.

abc.com

Maleficent begs Snow not to take her child. Snow simply says, "Oh, no worries, I'll be right back." Instead, she gives the egg to the Sorcerer who not only poured all of the evil into the egg, he also prepares to send it into another dimension.

abc.com

Before you can say, baby-snatchers, a little fist breaks through the dragon egg. And I have terrible flashbacks to the episode where Grumpy hatched fully clothed.

Where is Nova, anyway?

And since Cruella and Ursulla were staying with Malificent to look after her, they rush to save the baby but are sent into the portal as well.

The Author Appears!

Back at the mysterious manor, Henry waits in front of the magical door, which is now emitting a magical light. Regina, Cruella and Maleficent bust in and demand the page from Henry.

But then Mary Margaret and David arrive to burn the page. In a flash of reason Mary Margaret slows things down and wonders if maybe they're making too many bad choices based on fear and maybe if they just told the truth from the beginning...

Anyway, Emma's all, "Whoa, you guys are baby snatchers!" But she's actually more upset with the fact they lied to her than the actual weird kidnapping scheme.

Sick of the Charmings getting all the air time, Malificent breaks up their family feud, demanding to know what happened to her child. We learn that her daughter, Lily, met Emma when they were teens. She was Emma's best friend for a day when they shoplifted together then ate ice cream and played video games for the rest of the afternoon.

But that girl wasn't evil. She had gumption! I can't wait for her to make an entrance.

Oh, and The Author? When the door was finally opened, the peddler stepped out. Before he can be cornered and forced to give anyone a happy ending, he takes out all the Charmings with this curtain rod and disappears into the night.

Too bad everyone's still asleep. 

Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 16 "Poor Unfortunate Soul"

Or better title "Poor Unfortunate Viewer"

This was my face during a certain scene in this episode.

abc.com

Sweet Mother of God, what is ABC thinking? More of that later...

abc.com

In a flashback we see a young Ursula as a mermaid who is forced by her father (dude from The Ghostbusters!), Poseidon, to lure pirate ships with her beautiful singing voice so they can crash on the rocks, spilling their treasure.

But Ursula soon grows weary of mass murder and confronts her brutal dad. But since his heart has been hardened by the death of Ursula's mom (original!) he tells her as long as she's living in his sea, she lives by his rules.

Knowing the only way to walk away is with legs, Ursula steals a giant plastic bracelet from his vault so she can live on land, singing her heart out like it's the American Idol finale in pubs for drunk pirates.

abc.com

*enter Hook*

Cap'N Sexy Eyes is quick to offer her passage on his ship.
But before you can say, heave-ho, Big Daddy and his Triton show up. He strikes a deal with Hook to give him squid ink that will defeat Rumpelstiltskin if he steals Ursula's singing voice with a conch shell.

abc.com

How does Poseidon even know Hook wants Rumpelstiltskin/The Dark One dead? Is there a gossip magazine in the Enchanted Forest or something?
Mental Note: Hook has squid ink that can kill Mr. Gold

abc.com

Meanwhile, in the race for a happy ending, the Dark Witches (with the help of Mr. Gold) are torturing a newly grownup August, or as his friends call him, Woody. They need to know who The Author is so they can go torture the author to write them a happy ending.

Why? Because everyone knows the only way to get a happy ending is through torture as opposed to like maybe going out into the world and having a life.

August has to endure his painfully growing, extending, wooden phallic...you get the picture...nose towards the fire as Mr. Gold laughs.

Can you imagine the jokes in the special effects room?

abc.com

Regina is pretending to be evil, but manages to get a message to Emma by taking over Mary Margaret's body. It was creepy hearing Regina's voice come out of Mary Margaret, but no creepier than August's nose inching further and further...

abc.com

While this is going on Hook seeks out Ursula and lifts that eyebrow of his and says he's on to her happy ending and he can help her as long as she does him a huge favour. Nothing big, just opening a portal to fish his ship out of the sea.

Before you can say calamari, Ursula slips one of her tentacles into Storybrooke's harbour and is able to penetrate into another portal.

abc.com

Mental Note: Things that can open portals

#1. Magic Bean

#2. Mermaids

#3. Spells (but only certain spells at certain times)

#4. Tentacles

Ursula retrieves the Jolly Roger, but it's tiny and in a glass bottle.
 
WTH? When did the Jolly Roger end up in a bottle?

Anyway, the ship is quickly transformed to its original size. Hook hands over the magic shell that contains her singing voice, but it doesn't take. So the natural reaction is for Hook to pull a gun on Ursula. He's so charming!

Ursula throws him overboard.

Back in the past, Hook was super keen to have a sexy singer on board, he even told her about Poseidon's offer, which he was turning down because why did he even need squid ink at that point in his life?

But Big Daddy shows up on the ship and is super MAD! Hook then realizes he really does need squid ink and steals Ursula's voice after all of that.

Ursula was so miffed she did the only thing a teenage daughter can do to retaliate against authority figures...she turns her mermaid tail into eight slimy tentacles.

abc.com

Dad is disgusted or heartbroken or wishing he was part of the new Ghostbusters movie.
 

abc.com

Emma and the rest of the 'heroes' bust into the cabin to save August. But soon, Mary Margaret is being strangled by Ursula. When all hope is gone, Hook stumbles in, saying he was rescued by Ariel. Not only that, but she slipped through the portal and brought back Poseidon.


Why?

Because he has the magic shell with Ursula's voice. After thirty years, he's ready to set things right.

And maybe get a new breastplate. 

abc.com

abc.com

The reunion is tidy and quick. Ursula gets her singing voice back, but unfortunately this probably means she's off the show.

abc.com

Or at least until that squid ink thing comes up again.*wink wink*

Mental Note:

If mermaids can cross through portals between worlds why did The Dark One go to all the trouble to groom Regina to manipulate her into casting the curse? Why didn't he just hire a mermaid to take him to find Baelfire in our world?

*gets headache*

Also, Regina had a dream about killing Robin Hood. She confides in Emma and asks if she could find his address and maybe follow him on snapchat.

Hook takes Emma aside and tells her she's his happy ending. Happy ending?

Dear ABC,

We get it. You have a penis thing going on this episode.

*wonders how many weird spam comments will be generated by having the word penis in this post*

Before she exits stage right, Ursula tells them, “Head's up, this is the super secret master plan: The Author can’t give villains their happy endings while the Savior is in the world, so Mr. Gold has decided to turn Emma’s heart dark forever.”

abc.com

Hook is confused (me too). He says, “But Emma will still exist even if her heart is dark.”

And besides, this is Once Upon A Time, the rules don't matter.
Ursula shrugs, “I’m just the messenger.”

If we're still fool enough after three and a half seasons to be expecting some larger plot arc that will tie all this together, then we're just, well...foolish.

I'm purely watching for the next August 'lying' situation.

Speaking of August, he explained that the Author was trapped in the Storybook itself. OMG! The Author is Flat Stanley!

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 14 "Enter The Dragon"

Or better title "Hook's So Smart"

Mama's Got Work To Do

abc.com

After Regina's discussion with Mary Margaret she agrees to go undercover. She finds Ursula, Cruella, and the newly reincarnated Malificent, at Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat.

They do shooters and Regina crushes her glass to prove she's still badass.

A young Queen Regina argues with Rumpelstiltskin that he's not teaching her enough magic. Regina has found Malificent's spell book from her mother's belongings and wishes she could be that amazing.

Rumpelstiltskin says Malificent has the power to turn into a dragon because she's so patient, unlike Regina who keeps whining about waiting to learn evil magic to take down little Snow White. So in order to teach her a lesson Rumpelstiltskin sends her to Malificent's castle.

Emma is upset when she learns Mary Margaret convinced Regina to go undercover. Meanwhile, the three witches take Regina for a joyride in the Rolls Royce to reek havoc on Storybrooke.

Meanwhile, Henry uses a magnifying glass on one of the pages August added to the story book. He seems particularly interested in a picture of a door.

The next morning David and Mary Margaret find Regina hanging out by a burned out Sheriff's car. After a night of drinking and property damage Regina tells them she's discovered the three witches are in possession of something very powerful.

The three witches go back to Mr. Gold's cabin. He's intrigued to find out Regina has been with them. He stokes the fires and talks about the 'war' they're going to start in Storybrooke.

Cue evil laugh.

Revenge = Motivation

abc.com

Back in the enchanted forest, Queen Regina visits a drunken Malificent. She's got nothing to live for since Princess Briar Rose got away. The only bit of magic left is a burning tree still on fire since the last time she was a dragon. She keeps giving herself tiny increments of sleeping potion to take the edge off her miserable existence.

On her way back from Malificent's castle, Regina finds out there's going to be a Royal Wedding, Briar Rose's daughter, Aurora is getting married. She rushes back to tell Malificent and they both trade stories about how rotten their lives are because they can't get revenge. Malificent then confesses she can't turn into a dragon anymore.

Regina takes Malificient to the burning tree where she inhales all that evil magic again.

Could it be that easy?

The King comes along warning her to stay away from Aurora. Malificent does all the choreography but is unable to turn into a dragon and kill them all.

Darn.

After Malificent fails, the King takes her and Regina prisoner. But Regina starts to fight with her simple fire balls. Malificent is inspired and somehow finds the magic to become a dragon again.

Convenient!

While Aurora combs her hair before her wedding, Malificent shows up, puts her to sleep and the rest they say is history.

The Quest

Back in Storybrooke, Malificent tells Regina that she's looking for the author as well. Regina is all ears since she's eager for her happy ending. Regina runs to tell Emma and the others that the diabolical plan is to use the author to give the villains their happy endings and to take away the happiness of all the heroes.

Emma says she's going to be Regina's backup no matter what they have planned tonight.

Bring it!

abc.com

While Will and Belle share some chocolate cake, Hook arrives and tells her about the three witches' plan and wants to make sure that Belle is in possession of the dagger. Hook encourages her to get it for him so he can hide it...because everyone knows pirates are great at hiding stuff.

Malificent makes Regina pay a visit to Marco and Pinnochio. She's convinced the little boy can remember something about the author and Regina has to prove she's evil enough to make him confess.

*cough* torture *cough*

After Regina magics Marco and Pinnochio to sleep, Emma shows up and tries to convince her to stop, but Regina is determined to see this through.

Belle and Hook meet. She's worried Mr. Gold might be inside town limits and the dagger is her only protection. Hook suggests that she prove it by summoning him. She does, but no one shows up. She hands over the dagger and drives away.

Hook smiles and turns into Mr. Gold.

Smoooooth.  

Hook arrives at Mr. Gold's shop and tells Belle the dagger is well hidden and they promise to never speak of what they did. He then asks about Will. She says she'll never be over Rumpelstilskin but Will makes her smile.

Malificent takes Regina (and the kidnapped puppet) to Mr. Gold's cabin, and she sees him. When all the villains proclaim to want to find the author, Mr. Gold uses his freaky magic and turns Pinocchio back into August.

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Once Upon A Time Season 4, Episode 14 "Unforgiven"

Or better title "Revenge...Again"

Mary Margaret and David are feeling too guilty from their dark secret (!) to sleep. David vows to run Cruella and Ursula out of town.

A Way To Fight The Evil Queen

zapit2ya.com

Charming and Snow return from their honeymoon and find the castle is under a sleeping spell.
Malificent, Cruella and Ursula arrive and proposition them into working together to defeat the Evil Queen and her totally wicked curse that will destroy everything.

They say the Tree of Knowledge will grant them the answer, but only the valiant of heart can approach.

Snow is leery of the witches, but Charming says they have no other choice.

New Girls In Town

Storybrooke is giving Ursula and Cruella the cold shoulder. Regina tells David and Mary Margaret to play it cool since 'those two couldn't magic themselves out of a paperbag.'

Burn.

The duo make their way to the pawn shop and engage Belle in a conversation about her ex-lover. They say Mr. Gold is miserable without magic. Belle fights back the tears and Ursula manages to steal a small box.

abc.com

Henry keeps looking for clues to the author's identity of the story book. With Cruella and Ursula back in town reminding her of evil times, Regina worries she's ever going to find her happy ending. Henry and Regina discover that Pinocchio's story was written on different paper because August had taken the book apart to write his own story so that Emma would believe and be the savior.

What? *takes Tylenol*

Anyway, since August is dead, murdered by what's-her-name a few seasons ago, they intend to find Pinocchio to see if he remembers how to take apart the book.

Is There A Problem, Sheriff?

Belle alerts Emma and David that a small box had been taken from the shop. They pull over Cruella's Rolls Royce. David searches the trunk and finds a weird pink bauble thing that used to be super important to Malificent. He lies to Emma about finding nothing and lets them go.

abc.com

David finds Mary Margaret and shows her the pink bauble. Within ten seconds they figure out Ursula and Cruella are trying to resurrect Malificent, and with it, their terrible, dark, super bad secret.

They decide to break into the library's basement to grab Malificent's ashes and dump them in the harbour.

Remember when Emma killed her in one shot. Suh-weet!

While Emma is going over security footage in front of Mr. Gold's shop, Hook arrives with grilled cheese and onion rings.

Aw. He's awesome.

She quizzes him on his past relationship with Ursula. She smiles and keeps prying, but he stays tight lipped. She crosses her arms, upset he won't spill the bean. He leaves.

abc.com

Regina and Geppetto have words when she pushes Pinocchio too hard about remembering.

He's just a kid, he can't remember being a motorcycle riding, book rewriting, dude.

Into The Woods

On the trip to the Tree of Knowledge, Charming and Snow ditch the witches and find the tree first, but the tree pushes them away.

Maybe they're not as valiant as they think.

abc.com

The three witches arrive, a bit sore at being duped. Malificent figures out in three seconds that Mary Margaret is pregnant. Even though the child has the potential for great goodness, it also has the potential for great evil and that's why the tree isn't responding to them.

Logic, Storybrooke style.

Who's Sorry Now

Regina pays Geppetto a visit to apologize. He accepts, and gives her a backpack August used to own. Perhaps it will have a clue to help her with the book.

Why didn't he do that in the first place?

When Mary Margaret and David enter the basement of the library, Ursula and Cruella knock them out. Mr. Gold shows up with a knife. "You know what to do," he says, slinking away into the shadows.

Cruella cuts David and Mary Margaret and uses their blood to complete the resurrection spell. The stolen box was just a ruse to get them in the basement. Malificent takes shape in front of their eyes and promises to destroy everyone's happiness.

abc.com

Emma finds Hook and tells him lying is not cool, but she's okay with whatever he did in the past with Ursula because it has nothing to do with their relationship. "I'm going to do what my parents do. They chose to see the best in people."

Meanwhile, Mary Margaret and David are listening.

Awkward.

They say Malificent has been resurrected. Mary Margaret keeps quiet about her dark secret and instead feeds Emma this load of garbage to explain why the three witches are in Storybrooke. "We're heroes and they're villains. That's why they hate us."

Way to teach prejudice, Mary Margaret.

Baby Talk

After the failure at the Tree of Knowledge, Malificent pays Snow White a visit. She says she's pregnant as well, and they should work together to defeat the Evil Queen's curse for the sake of both their children. Snow White refuses to help because she'll never work with a villain again.

Mary Margaret meets with Regina and asks her to go under cover as a villain to undermine the three witches' plan to destroy everyone's happy ending. She tearfully asks Regina to keep her secret. Her big, big, big, secret.

This is it. Oh boy! I can't wait.

She and David are responsible for Malificent losing her baby.

*blinks*

Like losing in the forest or not being born because of the curse?

Meanwhile, Mr. Gold lurks outside the pawn shop and sees Belle kiss that Will guy.

Um. What?

abc.com

Then we see Malificent take the pink bauble from Ursula. She attaches a piece from her necklace, then shakes it like a rattle and starts to cry.

Oh dear. Revenge will be doubled this season.

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Once Upon A Time Sneak Peek Winter Premiere

Whoo-hoo!

Once Upon A Time is back, my friends with a whole new cast of fairy tale villains. The winter premiere (ominously enough, episode 13) is set to air tomorrow night on ABC. The show has been on hiatus since mid-December.

Let's do a quick recap!

ibtimes.com

Last time we saw Mr. Gold he'd been kicked out of Storybrooke by Belle when she realized he'd never stop being the awesome evil person that he is. He of course, takes this in stride and finds Ursula working in a New York City aquarium. He manages to convince her to join him in his latest diabolical quest (break back into Storybrooke), but they need two more people.

Enter Cruella de Vil

ibtimes.com

Now that Hook is no longer under Mr. Gold's power he can freely date and kiss Emma like the charming pirate he is. I"m guessing they're at the only place in town, Granny's pub/diner/Laundromat...

ibtimes.com

After taking the high road by saving Marian and therefore losing Robin Hood forever, Regina thinks happy endings are stupid pants, but Henry is convinced he can find the author of the story book and have him rewrite a happy ending for his mom.

I wonder if Henry's voice has changed yet?

ibtimes.com

ibtimes.com

And poor Belle drowns her sorrows in fruit kabobs...

 

While Regina plays third wheel.

Will you be watching tomorrow night?

Once Upon A Time, Season 3, Episode 6 "Ariel"

Or better title, "Spill the Beans!"

entertainmentoutlook.com

Snow White is chased by two of the Queen's guards, and ends up jumping off a cliff high above the water. She's rescued by a mermaid named Ariel—hence the clever title.

Back on Neverland, Regina is trying to train Emma to channel her anger to make magic. Mary Margaret mumbles something about the dark arts. Captain Sexy Eyes (CSE) whispers to David that Neal is alive and on the island. David thinks they should keep this a secret from Emma because Peter Pan might be lying, and they don't want to raise her hopes.

Mary Margaret argues back, “Secrets keep us from the people we care about.”

David rebuts, “But secrets also protect the ones we love.”


And Secret antiperspirant is made for a woman.

                                                                             tvfanfic.com

Ariel and Snow White talk about true love while sunbathing on the rocks. Ariel gushes about Prince Eric and how she fell in love when she rescued him from a ship wreck a year ago. She empties her sea shell purse and shows Snow White an invitation she found. Prince Eric is having a ball that very night.

Squeals and jumping claps all around.

Ariel plans on meeting him there on two legs. She explains to Snow White that every year at the highest tide, the Sea Queen, Ursula grants mer-folk the ability to walk on dry land until the next high tide...twelve hours. She then asks Snow White to keep her fishtail a secret until Prince Eric has totally fallen for her.

Snow White says her secret is safe.

Yup. She's a great secret keeper. Remember Daniel? The stable boy?

Emma asks what David, CSE and Mary Margaret are up to. Faster than you can say, 'stable boy', Mary Margaret blurts out that Neal is alive and on the island.

Peter Pan spies on Mr. Gold as he tries some hocus pocus in the heart of the jungle.

Let me say it again, the dark scenes are killing me.

Peter Pan says it's impossible to see the future in a place where time stands still. Mr. Gold declares he doesn't need magic to make the future happen. Peter Pan goads over the fact that Mr. Gold has lost his son...twice and now Henry is unattainable. But the only way Peter Pan can die is if Mr. Gold dies. While Mr. Gold cringes under his failures, Peter Pan offers him a way off the island and back to Belle and Storybrooke, but only if he leaves speedy quick.

Regina thinks looking for Neal is a waste of time. With only tracks that show a struggle has happened, Mary Margaret and Emma are ready to follow the dirt trail. Regina mentions that it makes more sense to save Henry first, then get the grown up dude. Mary Margaret uses bizarre logic that Emma owes it to Henry to find his father.

Can't they do that after they save Henry?

Snow White and Ariel arrive in beautiful gowns for the ball.

How? Where did these dressed come from?

Snow White shows Ariel that the little tridents are actually forks. Ariel is amazed and pockets it in her sea shell purse.

I'm only mentioning this because the fork may become an important weapon later on.

        

                                                                             cartermac.com

Anyway, Prince Eric comes down the stairs, looking fresh faced and ready for love. He smiles at Ariel. She smiles at him. She crosses the floor, and of course she trips. But he takes her in his arms and they start to dance. He thinks she looks familiar. He confesses she is the girl whose face he dreams of every night. After his shipwreck Ursula saved him and showed him a vision of his future, and it was Ariel's face!

Ariel denies this and says Ursula is just a myth.

Isn't this happening way too easy? Especially the dancing. She can't walk across the floor but she does the rumba effortlessly?

He says he is leaving the next day to explore distant lands, and he invites her to accompany him. She's confused because of the whole fish thing. He vows to wait on his balcony for her the next morning—you know, high tide.

The Evil Queen watches the ball through her magic mirror, miffed that Snow White didn't drown, and is in a party dress no less! But that Evil Queen is so smart and so slick, she thought up a diabolic plan and she thought it up quick.

Mr. Gold consults the Belle hologram. She urges him to return to Storybrooke so they can start a family. “Come home to me,” she begs. Regina arrives and starts to magically choke Belle. Mr. Gold tries to fight her off, but Regina's spell reveals that Mr. Gold has been confiding to the dark shadow thing all along.


                                               
                                                                              eonline.com
Emma confesses to Mary Margaret that she and CSE touched tongues. Mary Margaret assures her that Neal will understand. She tells her to hope that Neal is alive because she deserves a happy ending and all happy endings begin with hope.

Do you know who else deserves a happy ending. That's right, Schmexy.

Ariel is struggling with Prince Eric's proposal to travel with his caravan. Snow White urges her to tell him the truth and let him decide. Ariel only has three hours left. She stands at the waters edge and calls out to Ursula for guidance. Out of the water on eight tentacles, rises the Evil Queen (except she's wearing a blond wig and answers to the name Ursula).

Regina suggests that she and Mr. Gold team up to fight Peter Pan and save Henry since the Charmings are useless. Mr. Gold reminds her that his death is the only thing that will defeat Peter Pan. Regina says there must be something they can do, maybe something worse than death? Mr. Gold perks up at this and mentions an artifact in his shop.

Darn! If there was only a way to get back to Storybrooke.

The fake Ursula convinces Ariel that Eric will never want a mermaid as a girlfriend. Then she propositions a way for Ariel to keep her legs and keep her man. Ariel rushes back to Eric's castle. The sun is rising, it's almost high tide! Snow White is waiting for her on the wharf.

It's so convenient the castle edges the ocean.

                                                                               facebook.com

Anyway, Ariel excitedly tells Snow White she can escape the Evil Queen. She places a cuff bracelet on Snow White. In a plume of green smoke, Snow White's legs have turned into a mermaid tail. Ariel gushes about this latest plot twist. “Isn't it great!” she says. “I keep my legs and you get my tail. Now you can travel to my world and be safe forever.”

The tracks in the dirt lead Emma and the gang to a cave. CSE recognizes it as the Echo Cave, a prison without walls. The only way out is give over your deepest, darkest secret. The cave demands you reveal a truth about yourself, a truth you'd never tell anyone. CSE is convinced Peter Pan put Neal in the cave so that they would all have to dish their dirty laundry in order to save him.

The Evil Queen shows up on Prince Eric's wharf. Snow White struggles to remove the bracelet, but it's permanent. Ariel realizes she was duped. Snow White insists Ariel run to Prince Eric—at least she can have a chance at a happy ending. The Evil Queen starts the choking spell on Snow White. Suddenly, Ariel jumps behind her and thrusts the fork (I knew it!) into her neck.

The distraction works. Ariel quickly removes the cuff from Snow White's wrist, making her legs reappear. Now as a mermaid, Ariel grabs Snow White and dives into the ocean. The Evil Queen stomps her foot on the wharf.

Because what else can she do? There's nothing magical she can do to stop them? Really? Nothing? Fire ball? Shark frenzy? Ice burg?

Emma and the gang enter the Cave of Echoes and peer across a dark, bottomless chasm. Perched on a lone rocky plateau, in his bamboo cage, is Neal. He calls to Emma. Knowing there is no way across, but to tell their secrets, CSE ends the awkward silence by saying his kissed Emma.

Since this is only a secret to David, it's not that ground breaking. However, CSE then tells us that he never thought he'd love again after his Mila died.

Remember her, right? Rumpelstiltskin's wife.

Anyway, CSE's confession of love or 'something kind of like it' for Emma, magically extends a rock bridge a quarter of the way toward Neal.

*cough* love triangle *cough*

Mary Margaret is up next. She says she feels cheated that they missed Emma's childhood. And she wants to have another baby as soon as they get back to Storybrooke.

I'll point out that she didn't mention David necessarily had to be the father.

The rock bridge grows closer to Neal. David goes all gushy, but then he drops the bombshell that since he took the cure for dream shade, he'll die if he ever leaves Neverland. Bridge extends the entire way.

Everyone looks to Emma. She races toward Neal's cage. She tries to smash it open with her sword, but the only way to free Neal is for her to confess her deepest, darkest secret. When she found out he might still be alive she was terrified. As soon as she saw him again in New York, she knew she had never stopped loving him. But loving him and losing him is too painful. She was hoping he was actually dead so she could finally get over him.

The cage opens and they embrace. Now that Neal is free, the plan is to get the co-ordinates off his ceiling star map, get Tinkerbell, rescue Henry, and then get off the island. Except for David, because of the death thing. Emma takes Neal aside and tells him she's still wary of them becoming 'Nemma' again. He totally understands but he's still going to try and win her back. CSE watches from behind the ferns.

Which is easy to do because it's so frickin' dark. All the time. In every scene.

Mary Margaret gives David the cold shoulder since he kept his poisoning from her. She doesn't understand the concept of secret keeping.

*cough* stable boy *cough*

Ariel safely delivers Snow White to a nearby beach in British Columbia, Canada! She encourages her seek out Prince Eric and tell him the truth. Because the truth can set you free.

It can also set up a life long vendetta. See stable boy note above.

However, Ariel takes her advice and rushes back to the Prince's balcony, conveniently overlooking the water. He waits, hoping she'll appear soon. She calls out from the water, but there is silence. She has lost her voice!

The Evil Queen laughs from the wharf, perched on a wooden keg. She took the mermaid's voice on purpose. The only thing worse than telling the Prince and being rejected is never having the chance to find out the truth; never having a chance at a happy ending. Ariel cries...silently and does a full body breech. When the Evil Queen returns triumphantly to her castle, the real Ursula appears and threatens her to never impersonate her again.

Regina and Mr. Gold go to the Neverland beach. She takes the conch shell and sounds the horn across the ocean. Ariel arrives looking really pissed. Since mermaids can travel between realms, she can go to Storybrooke to get the 'special death device' from Mr. Gold's shop. Regina gives her back her voice and tosses her a magical cuff, promising that this time she can have legs and control over them. When Ariel still refuses to help, Regain plays her trump card—just like all the other fairy tale characters, Prince Eric was whisked away to Storybrooke as well.

Giddy up!