The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 9, "The Women Tell All"

Or Better Title, "The Women All Cry."

 

Each of the past contestants sit in front of a live studio audience to finish the fights they started on the show. One by one the girls sit with the Host to 'vent' their feelings.
 

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It's Tierra time! She tell us she's now engaged and has an obnoxiously huge diamond.

*cough* fake *cough*

Something seems to be missing though...oh right, she forgot her sparkle at home. Here's her best crazy quote of the night to one of the many girls who still hate her, “I'm not calling you a liar, I'm saying that you lied.”

Dear Tierra,

This is a prime time family show, keep that eyebrow under control!

Love ABC

 

The Host brings Sarah up to the stage where she has to watch her last farewell on the huge monitor. That was such an awkward dumping scene. She barely gets three seconds into her montage before the tears started. So she's crying on tape, and she's crying on stage.

She explains being let go by Sean was like him saying, “You're great, but you're not good enough for me.”

Dear Sarah,

We prefer the term, 'rose ceremony'.

Love ABC

Desiree is up next. And we're treated to even MORE past video shots of them making out. How do the other girls feel about having to watch this? Can you say, 'salt in the wound?'

Desiree cries on stage as she watches herself cry in the limo. But she pulls it together and tells the Host, “I didn't expect to fall for Sean, so that was a huge surprise. Next time I won't let my thoughts get the best of me.”

Dear Desiree,

I can understand how your thoughts would confuse you, they confuse me, too. Also, you signed up for a show where the guy might propose at the end.

Love ABC

AshLee arrives with her new blond extensions. Again the other girls are treated to shots of AshLee making out with Sean. Then finally the crushing good bye scene. She confidently says, “Okay this guy doesn't want me, I have to move on.”

Dear AshLee,

Moving on means not showing up for 'The Women Tell All' show.

Love ABC

Sean is brought out to the stage and the audience of women scream like he's Sheriff Graham. Sensing they need some conflict to make things interesting, The Host invites AshLee to join them. Sean gives her a warm hug and compliments her on her hair, which secretly means, “You're hotter than I remember.”

Awesome hair is the best revenge.

Sean tells her she was always the front runner for him, except he needed someone who could create a family with lots of laughing. And sadly, AshLee doesn't make him laugh enough.

AshLee confronts him about all the future talk they did the night before the rose ceremony. He replies, “The only way you'll understand if you're in the same situation.”

Then she drops a bombshell that he told her he had 'nothing going on' with the other two girls. There's lots of oohs from the audience. Sean turns fire engine red and denies EVER saying that to her. 

Dear Sean,

Man up, dude.

Love ABC

We're treated to some off camera dialogue between AshLee and Sean. He still denies what he said, but there is definitely some chemistry still there.

We are forced to watch the stupid blooper reel. My favorite was when Sean couldn't open the bottle of wine and AshLee had to take it from him and do it herself.

You'd think with the amount of wine consumed during the show, he'd be able to do it with his teeth.

At this point I stopped watching, sorry. The Host was promising more footage of Sean kissing the last two while he teases us with details that he's maybe engaged and definitely thinking about falling in love. Definitely.





 

The Bachelor, Season 17, Episode 9, "Bugs, Bikinis, and Bye, Byes"

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Sean takes AshLee, Catherine and Lindsay to Thailand for the overnight dates.

He says, “It's amazing to think these are my last three girls.”

Unless he signs up for the show again.

I fast forward through the next thirteen minutes of footage from previous episodes where Sean does a voice over about the girls as having the potential to be his next wife.

Lindsay is the first to arrive. There's a lot of giggling and loud smacking kissing. Sean takes her to a market where they look at neon dyed chicks.

She giggles, “This will be just like when we go grocery shopping.”

A-huh.

Sean makes her eat a slug.

She tells the camera, “I considered not eating the bug, but once I saw how brave Sean was, I had to do it for him.”

This is me.
 

They sit on the beach and reminisce about how much her family loves him. Sean smiles back and nods.

Lindsay tells us, “Last week I told Sean I was falling in love with him, and this week I definitely am.”

Good to know you're consistent.

“But I haven't told him that I AM in love with him because I'm afraid of getting hurt.”

*reaches for Tylenol*

They have supper in front of lit up neon floats. She says, “This night can't get more romantic.”

Or cheesy.

When Sean asks her IF they get engaged would she move to Dallas.

Lindsay replies tearfully, “I have everything totally open.”

*Refrains from obvious joke*

Then Lindsay does a painful monologue trying to build up the courage to tell him the 'L' word. But just as she's about to spill the beans, dancers show up as the entertainment.

She says, “I feel like I'm in a movie.”

Nope. TV show.

Sean gives her an envelope with a key to spend the night together in the fantasy suite. She grabs Sean and runs down the path to the hotel.

Guess what kind of movie you're in now, Lindsay?

Oh dear Lord! They lounge on a bed and drink. Lindsay does another painful monologue, pauses, leans in closer, pauses...then finally she tells Sean she loves him.

And this is his super romantic reply, “I love hearing you say that.”

One down and two to go, eh, Sean?

AshLee arrives and begins to ooze her adoration for Sean. He takes her cave diving because he wants to force her to trust him into not letting her drown.

AshLee is obviously worried when Sean takes them into the pitch black cave and he gets them lost.

I hope the camera man has a map.

She says, “As much as I'm terrified, I'm willing to do this for Sean.”

 

 

Finally they make it through to the other side, and there's a private beach waiting for them. They make out because no one died. 

Now it's time for their supper ie: large glasses of wine, and Sean's envelope offering. He tells her, “I know you love the qualities that I possess and how those are the qualities you need. I love that feeling.”

Oh, you mean how everyone loves you? Gee, that's big of you.

When Sean offers AshLee the envelope, she pauses. He senses her hesitation and he spells out that there will be no special naked hugs but only a time for both of them to T.A.L.K.

She tells us, “I will do everything in my power to make sure this man is happy.”

Really? Even eat bugs?

Catherine arrives and Sean is all huggy-kissy-poo as if he hasn't been making out the past two nights. He takes her on a boat where there is drinking and snuggling.

He tells her, “I love your weirdness.”

And her mouth, apparently.

They talk about the awkward family visit from last week, but she lets him know she'd move to Dallas speedy quick.

He takes her snorkeling and they make out.

What? No bugs or blind spelunking?

Catherine tells Sean over a supper of drinks, “I didn't want to spend the night in the fantasy suite because I want to be seen as a lady. But now I realize it's not about that.”

That's right, girl! It's about getting that rose!

They spend the night in the pool and make out some more. Whatever.

Sean sits down with the Host to fill air time discuss who he'll be sending home.

“It kills me inside to send her home. She's so full of love. It almost breaks my heart.”

Did you hear that? It ALMOST breaks his heart.
 

I fast forward through the footage of Sean looking pensive at the horizon.

It's time for the rose ceremony. There are only two roses. Sean seems to be struggling...Lindsay lets out a breath and curses because the pressure of having someone give you a rose who may or may not propose to you in the future is scarier than eating bugs.

He gives Lindsay the first rose.

 

And the second rose goes to...(there is a thirty second footage of no one speaking and alternating close-ups of Sean, then Catherine, then AshLee, then back to Sean...).

 

Oh the tension! 

 

Catherine finally gets the last rose.

AshLee walks away stone faced as Sean runs after her, saying how super awesome she is.

But as bad as she feels, I feel worse. I thought this was the last episode. Dear Lord, there are two next week!

*Reaches for Tylenol*