Top Five Worst Fictional Boyfriends

There's nothing better than discovering a new book with a wonderful character to swoon over. I even made a list of fictional boys I wished were real. However, some fellas are best left on the page.

Here are my picks for the top five worst fictional boyfriends.


#1. Edward Cullen

Your date will consist of him piggy backing you through the forest while he constantly reminds you that he's fighting the urge to eat your intestines. Sure, he's refined, well read, and likes classical music, but seriously... he's in love with your blood type, not you.



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#2. Holden Caulfield

Poor Holden. Growing up is tough, but dating a guy who is fighting puberty will make for poor conversation and awkward flirting at Starbucks.

#3. Draco Malfoy

I get the bad boy attraction and the whole badass "my dad's a Death Eater" thing, but the dude can't even perform a simple spell to help you fight the baddies. And let's be clear, if you hang out with Draco you'll need to have gotten OWL's on your defence against the dark arts.

#4. Christian Grey

Call me old fashioned, but ropes and chains are meant for winter driving emergencies—not first dates. Sorry, I don't get the attraction... like at all.

#5. George Wickham

An English accent and a regimental uniform can make a girl's knees turn to water. However, beware because this officer is NOT a gentleman. He'll be selfish and aloof with your feelings. Plus he's so cheap, he'll lie about forgetting his wallet, and make you pay for the date.

BONUS!!!  Heathcliff

Yes, just Heathcliff. A guy with only one name should be warning enough. You'll hope that his cruelty is the manifestation of his frustrated love for you, and that his brutish behavior is a guise, hiding the hero underneath. But...no. He's just mean.


Can you think of anymore bad boys?

Ten Books You Should Read Again Now That You're All Grown Up

Nothing standing out in the best seller list for you these days? Does the Hot & New section at the bookstore look kind of dull?

Then I suggest you step in your own Tardis and revisit your teen favorites from long—or in my case, long, long ago.


1. Forever by Judy Blume

Holy crap! A book with sex scenes. I remember being totally blown away by Michael and Kathy's relationship and was devastated with Kathy's choice. Now, of course I'm digging the ending like a grave yard worker on a double shift.


2. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

Guy Montag's world scared the bee-Jesus out of me and was completely depressing. I recently discovered it makes a great companion to a pumpkin spice latte.

3. Lord of the Flies by William Golding

A perfectly creepy read ruined by homework questions like: Who was your favorite character and why? This time around I found reading without a looming book report was so much more enjoyable. For the record, my favorite character was Simon because he seemed like good boyfriend material. I didn't write that, but that's the truth.

4. The Diary of Anne Frank by Anne Frank

This book felt mysterious and sacred when I read it as a teenager. But now that I have children, I wasn't surprised my focus went from Anne to her parents, especially her father who ends up being the only survivor. How he must have felt reading her words, knowing he'd never hear her voice again.

5. Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

Yes, we're all still a bunch of phonies. Poor Holden. I totally get him now.

6. Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

Plucky orphan + red hair + nemesis that grows into love interest = epic read

7. Nancy Drew by a bunch of writers who went by the name of Carolyn Keene

Any book from the original series. I can't say enough about a girl who wears white gloves and knows how to change a tire on her blue convertible. And don't forget the wonderful sweets by Hannah.

8. Stranger With My Face by Lois Duncan

Lois breaks all the rules for YA. Both parents are alive, the protagonist already has a great boyfriend and none of her friends are into 80's music or fashion designers. She creates tension the old fashioned way, by throwing the main character into a completely unnatural situation and watching her squirm. It's a psychological thriller at its best!

This is the cover I remember staying up late with too scared to sleep.

9. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

No explanation is needed. Just go read it again. Then watch the movie because of Rob Lowe and Patrick Swayze.

10. The Mixed Up Files of Basil E. Frankweiler by E.L. Konigsburg

Two precocious runaways secretly living in the Metropolitan Museum of Art? Sign me up! Great book to read aloud to your kids, too.


What are some of your old time favorites?

Top 5 Fictional Boys I Wish Were Real

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Let me just start out by saying that Edward Cullen is NOT on the list. Any guy who tells me on our first date that he's constantly fighting a centuries old craving to kill me is NOT good boyfriend material—even if he is the cutest and richest dude in school.

Counting down from "makes my face all smiley" to "let's make a family tree together" are my picks for top 5 fictional boys I wish were real.


#5. Holden Caulfield from Catcher In The Rye

All through this book, I just wanted to reach into the pages and hug him. Yet, he had a confidence that I found intriguing. I was certain that all his troubles would disappear if he could only meet a girl like me.

Best Quote: “I don’t give a damn, except that I get bored sometimes when people tell me to act my age. Sometimes I act a lot older than I am - I really do - but people never notice it. People never notice anything.”

#4. Ponyboy Curtis from The Outsiders

He was polite, but tough at the same time. I liked how he never backed down, even when he was scared.

Best Quote: “It's okay, we aren’t in the same class. Just don’t forget some of us watch the sunset too.”


#3. Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables

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That farmer's boy with the quick wit and country manners, not only got under Anne's skin, but he was also the smartest boy in their one room school house, and hence Anne's fiercest competition. He may have called her carrots, but he remembered the 'e' on the end of her name, and that ladies, is something.

Best Quote: 'Gilbert had also sprung from the boat and now laid a detaining hand or her arm. "Anne," he said hurriedly, "look here. Can't we be good friends? I'm awfully sorry I made fun of your hair that time. I didn't mean to vex you and I only meant it for a joke. Besides, it's so long ago. I think your hair is awfully pretty now - honest I do. Let's be friends."'


#2. Ron Weasley from the Harry Potter series.

Goofy, clumsy, fearful but loyal at the same time. He was always facing his greatest obstacles when he was helping Harry. Yet, he was comfortable playing the sidekick.

Best Quote: "...from now on, I don't care if my tea leaves spell 'die, Ron, die,' I'm chucking them in the bin where they belong."


#1. Fitzwilliam Darcy from Pride and Prejudice

Fancy, prudish, but in the end, a hero. After Elizabeth turned down his proposal, he continued to assist her family without her knowledge, citing he felt responsible for the Lydia/Wickham situation, but we all know he was still in love with Elizabeth. Most guys would text you to death, or say bad things on facebook.

Best quote: "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

Who are some of your book boyfriends?

Happily Ever After; Dating Service For Fictional Characters, Session One

 

Welcome to Happily Ever After!  

It doesn't matter if you're a hero or a zero on the pages, our on-line dating service will help you find your soul mate.

We'll have you picking out matching bookmarks before you can say, 'library late fees'.

The chat room is about to get started! Let's see who's looking for love today.

Moderator: Hello, everyone. I see we have a new person in the chat room tonight. Go ahead, don't by shy. Tell us a little about yourself.

Elizabeth Bennet: I am pleased to make everyone's acquaintance this evening. I'm not the kind of girl who usually puts herself out there, but recent events in my family have pushed me into a position where I must find a suitable husband. I really don't want to get married—at least not purely for monetary reasons, but we're in a bit of a stitch in Longbourn and I need to keep roof over my family's head.

Katniss Everdeen: In order to save your family your plan is to marry rich? That's quite a sacrifice you're making.

Elizabeth Bennet: But if I had a choice, I would only marry for love.

Edward Cullen: I've never been in love...it's a human emotion.

Katniss Everdeen: I hunt squirrels in the woods with Gale. He's cool and the other girls think he's hot...I guess he is. I'm too starving to notice.

Holden Caulfield: I'm not into anybody. Well, no wait. I like girls. I really like girls. And guys too. Well, no not in that way. I mean I can appreciate how swell a guy looks all dressed up for a date, but...yeah. Hey, listen, I like girls. All of them.

Victor Frankenstein: I kind of have an on again off again thing with my cousin.

Elizabeth Bennet: ?

Edward Cullen: Elizabeth is such a beautiful name.

Elizabeth Bennet: Thank you, Mr. Cullen. May I ask you what you're looking for in a lady?

Edward Cullen: Oh, the usual I suppose; good manners, a nice smile, the kind who agrees to be taken away from her family and friends so she can be available to my every whim. I want a girl who does whatever I say and loves all the same things I do.

Elizabeth Bennet: I'm perplexed, Mr. Cullen. Even by societal standards of the 1800's, your ideas are positively primeval.

Katniss Everdeen: Would you feed her, though?

Edward Cullen: I'm not sure why that's important, Katniss?

Holden Caulfield: It sounds like Kat has a fear of commitment.

Moderator: Here's a fun twist. Perhaps everyone can talk about their fears as a way of getting to know each other. Why don't you start Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Bennet: Having to marry my cousin, Mr. Collins.

Victor Frankenstein: Hey! I resent that. There's nothing wrong with marrying family. My cousin happens to be really hot.

Edward Cullen: I fear the sun...it makes me all sparkly.

Holden Caulfield: Puberty.

Moderator: Katniss? What about you?

Katniss Everdeen: The only thing I'm afraid of is being picked to join a bloody reality show where I'll have to fight other kids to the death.

Elizabeth Bennet: Pardon me!? Surely there's something that can be done to stop this pointless blood-fest?

Edward Cullen: Did you say blood?

Victor Frankenstein: Do you suppose there might be some spare parts? You know, like a hand or foot, one might be able to take after the festivities?

Elizabeth Bennet: I'm not sure I'm in the right chat room.

Holden Caulfield: Don't worry, Lizzie. These guys are all a bunch of phonies. Every single one of them. Why don't you and I take off? I know a swell bar downtown that sells the best rye and ginger. What do you say? Do you like dancing?

Edward Cullen: Drop that punk, Elizabeth. You'll only end up hurt with a scraped knee. I play the piano and drive fast. But you'll always be perfectly safe with me—even though I repeatedly tell you I'm fighting every instinct to expose your innards to my fangs.

Elizabeth Bennet: Oh, dear! Papa is calling for me. I must make haste and take my leave.

Edward Cullen: Elizabeth?

Victor Frankenstein: Katniss, when does this reality show begin? It sounds fascinating. I'd like to hear more about it. Perhaps you can join me at my family's chateau for tea?

Katniss Everdeen: Will there be food with the tea?

Victor Frankenstein: Of course. Cook always prepares an extra special buffet for guests.

Katniss Everdeen: Count me in.

Edward Cullen: Elizabeth?

Holden Caulfield: She left! You and your phony attitude drove her away. You're rotten.

Holden Caulfield: Edward?

Holden Caufield: Anyone???

Moderator: Sign off, Holden.

Holden: You're all a bunch of phonies!